In the middle of the morning , I had nightmare and flashbacks and I suddenly scream and sit up. He had noticed earlier that I was moving a lot didn’t pay much attention.
Nick wakes up quickly, puts his arms around me, and says “ShhBrie.. it was just a bad dream.. everything’s ok.”
“No, it’s not.” And I start crying.
He knew that we would be traveling this road for a long time.
When I calm down he asks.. “Do you wanna tell me about it?”
There was a silence for a few minutes.
“I was reliving it again.. everything.. then.. he .. he came after me.. he followed me, he watched me .. and then he got me. He took me .. he took me somewhere. He.. he said that.. he would make me pay for what I did to him. Nick.. I’m scared.. I’m so scared…”
“I know.. I know baby….But I won’t let anything happen to you. I won’t be letting you out of my sight. I promise, He will never hurt you again. “ He calmed me down and stayed awake til I finally feel asleep.
The next few months have been trying The nightmare of that one night had still not cleared my mind. I have tried to go on about my usual routine but it seemed to get harder and harder. I feel worthless and hollow. I am scared to go out and do anything. Nick has been with me through this whole thing and I know that this is taking its toll on him too.
All the sleepless nights, the dreams and the unforgettable feeling of hopelessness. It’s getting harder for me to be who I was. I don’t know who I am any more. He took me out to dinner. I know he was trying to help, help me forget but it didn’t work. I felt that every guy was watching me, just waiting for a chance to make a move.
As the days rolled by Nick and I grew farther apart. Each day I kept pushing him farther and farther away. . I withdrew within myself, not letting anyone in. One day as I sat on my bed writing, I made a decision.
Dear Diary,
I shut the book and lie back down and start to cry.
*~To Be Continued~*
Nick has done everything he can to try to make me feel better. I can’t seem to do it. That night haunts me every day and night. I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t be what Nick needs me to be. I can’t commit to him like I want to. What is happening? I can’t do anything. I’m scared to go out and do anything. It’s hard letting Nick touch me since then.. I feel like I let him down. I can’t be what he needs me to be. I can’t let him stay in a relationship like this. I can’t do this to him. I have to let him go… I have to.. there’s no other way.