He wandered the hospital halls for me. Finally, after about 15 minutes he found me in the snack room rolled up in a ball on the couch.
“Brie, Brie…you have to talk to me. Don’t push me out.” He saw that my bed was still down and I made no response.
“I am hurting too. But you know that I am and always will be here for you. I love you.” I finally lifted my head, eyes filled with tears that were now streaming down my face and with bruises on my face.
“You have to talk to me.. what’s wrong? Are you afraid of the results? I know about them already. Honey, my heart aches and reaches out for you. But you have to know that this changes nothing between us.”
“Yes, it does, it changes a lot.”
“No, Brie, it doesn’t. I love you so much and always will and nothing could ever tear us apart. God, I would lay down my life for you without a thought.”
“Stop”
“Stop what?”
“Brie, tell me what’s inside of you, that I know that is aching to come out. Talk to me, please…”
I looked at him with sincere, scared eyes and looked deep into his worried, scared and pleading eyes.
“ Nick, he…he raped me.”
“ I know…that son of a bitch will pay early for it too… I will make sure of that.”
“That’s not all. This means that I am not a virgin anymore.”
“Yeah, it does, but that doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does, Nick, yes it does. It matters a lot to me, and I thought that it meant a lot to you.”
“It does.”
“Well…it doesn’t sound like it. Remember when we made that promise to each other about staying virgins until our wedding night…so we could show each other how we truly cared about each other?”
“Yeah. But what are you trying to say?”
“Well.. I broke that promise.”
“No, no. Brie, you didn’t.”
“How can you say that?” getting angry and frustrated.
“You were not a acting part in it, you were not conscious when he forced sex without your consent. You don’t remember it..nor know the feeling and pleasure of it. It meant nothing.”
“But..”
“But nothing , Brie. To me, you never had sex.”
“But I did, I betrayed your trust.”
“No, no.. you didn’t, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But our wedding night…it..it won’t be the same.”
“Yes it will, you have never had unforced and legal sex with anyone before. This doesn’t count and never could.” He took his hands, cupped my face in his hands, and wiped the tears away.
“Hey, I promise it will be the best and most memorable night of our lives.”
“Really, Nick?”
“Really”
“So you are not mad and it will not upset you that I am not a virgin now?”
“No, not at all, not in the least, I fully trust you. I know that you would never lie to me. Why would you ever think that I would be mad ?”
Sighing, I said “I just thought… I just thought that you would not want marry me after this and that I would lose you.”
”Lose you me?, Brie, you could never lose me. Don’t ever think that.”
“Nick, I just, just feel so empty inside…like my dignity had been taken from me. I also feel all these emotions all at once. I feel… feel ashamed, violated, hurt, angry, sad, and lonely.. and it’s just not only that. it’s the fact that another man, a man I don’t even know, put his hands on me. A man that wasn’t you.”
“You are not lonely…I am here, Katie is here and you family and friends… we love you very much. I know that I know that you are scared and I do anything in my power to keep you safe in my arms. I wish… I just wish that I could take all the trouble and hurt that you have been through…I wish I could fill that void that you feel.. I just don’t know how.”
“I know…everything was just so violently striped away from me and it’s hard to fill that hole that was once there. I just don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t feel like I am me. I don’t know what to think or what to do… I’m just so scared… scared of what will happen and what might happen.. It’s just so…so.. overwhelming.”
“I know, I just wish I could help. I want to, but you have to let me in and no matter what you can always count on me.. I will always be here for you.”
I smiled and gave him a kiss and said “This… this changes a lot you know, especially about our pact”
“Brie, stop.. Like I said before, it doesn’t change our pact. We still have not willingly had sex with anyone else before and plus….about the marriage thing… You are so worked up about it.. don’t worry so much… I promise, we will get married…when the right time comes.. ok?”
“Ok” I gave him a hug and whispered
“ Thank you.. you don’t know how much this means to me.”
“Your welcome” We pulled apart, sat down on the couch again, and started talking again.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Do you feel better now that you talked about it?”
“Yeah.. it is, with all this stuff that has happened tonight, I just bottled it up and tried to hide my feelings and I know that I can’t do this alone, I just couldn’t admit it. I’m sorry that I shut you out. I just couldn’t face you right then. I needed time to think and find I a way to tell you. You just may not know just how hard this is for me”
“I know it is going to be hard for you…you are going to have some ups and downs but baby you gotta understand that I am by your side always.”
“I know, I am glad that you are because, I don’t think that I could make it without you..”
“ I would never let you go through this alone, it’s too much for one person to take.”
He wrapped his arms around me and he gave me kiss on the check and noted that we should probably go. He held my hand all the way to his house.