I woke up early this morning around 4am, with the moon shining bright, as headlights on the interstate. Sleep. Something I had been deprived of for days. I laid intertwined in the cold blankets and stared out the window. I hated nights like this. They were the kind that kept you up all night staring at the walls trying to make sense of what had happened. Nothing, and no one could ever make me understand why the pain in my heart seemed to overtake me at times. I can hardly ever sleep anymore. I’m used to these nights by now, I do not know why they bother me so much.

The moon keeps on shining, regardless of how you feel. I often wondered how it could shine so brightly when I felt like falling into darkness. I rolled over so the moon was not shining directly on my face. I gazed at the mirror and felt the old feelings come rushing back. The mirror was decorated in her presence. There were photos of her stuck in between the glass and the wooden backing. There were stains on the wood from split nail polish and lotions. It smelled like her, the whole house did. Her presence was still in the house no matter what he did. I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep but thoughts of us kept keeping me awake

I hid under the covers hoping the memories would just leave me alone for one night. No such luck. It did not matter how many countless nights I laid awake, she never left my mind. God had his own way of tormenting me. I cannot escape the memories that come to my mind. I can’t block the images of her from resurfacing, no matter how hard I try, she’s here, everywhere, but at the same time, she is gone.

Everything in my life reminds me of her. We were together for four years. In that time you really get to know a person, and you accumulate a lot of feeling, and memories. I love her, even more than I did five years ago.

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Walking her dog had never been something that Adrienne had particularly enjoyed. She despised it. The whole concept of it was just disgusting. Why did animals have to do their “business” outside? She would never understand. She sat on the park bench and tied the leash around the iron arm railing.

She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. Life was hard. Her parent’s had just gotten a long over-due divorce, and she had moved into a one bedroom apartment. She really didn’t like either of her parents and was financially able to support herself. She did not need the help of her parents, who still insisted on giving her money every month for rent and food. She was lonely. She wouldn’t admit it to them though. They had warned her before she had moved out that she would be, and she didn’t listen. She thought maybe getting a dog would make her feel a little less alone, so she had bought a golden retriever. She named him Lucky hoping that he could ease the ache in her heart for companionship. He did help a lot, she liked not being alone in the huge apartment, but she longed for human companionship. Someone who shared her thoughts and feelings, someone she could talk to and actually hear a reply.

She heard Lucky bark and looked up just as he was bounding away. Somehow he had managed to loosen his leash, and was now making a getaway. She jumped up and took off after him, hoping she could catch up.

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“Stupid witch!” Nick yelled kicking the nearest tree.

His day had not been one of his best. He had gotten in trouble at work for showing up late. His boss had chewed him out for more than an hour. He was just tired of working at the local drugstore. He had woken up an hour or so later than he had planned and ended up missing about an hour and a half of work. He did not think it was that big of a deal. To someone though it was. He did not think he would ever hear the end of it.

His mom had been on his case a lot too. That’s the person he was currently mad at. She never stayed out of his life. She busied herself by ruining things for her son. It was her idea of fixing things. She never minded her own business. She felt like she deserved to know everything going on in his life, and it was really annoying. He was lonely yes, but he didn’t crave her company either. He wanted someone his own age, someone he could connect with, not his mother.

He walked further through the city part taking in the pretty day. It had warmed up drastically from the morning time, and many families had their children out. He wanted a family. He always dreamed of being the dad that helped coach his son’s little league games. He wanted to be involved in his children’s lives, since his own father never even bothered to call them on their birthdays.

He wasn’t really watching where he was going until a golden retriever came bounding out of the bushes a few feet away. He knelt down to pet it as it came to rest at his feet. He held the dog’s tag in his hand and read the inscription. Lucky. What an ironic name for a dog without an owner. He didn’t look very Lucky to Nick. Nick gathered him in his arms and stood back up. It was then he seen the brown eyes gazing back at him. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and instantly he knew that he loved her, or that he would grow to love her.

~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~

Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along

Knowing that the one person you loved unconditionally with every ounce of your being was in the arms of another man literally could tear you up inside. I loved her, for five straight years. We pretty much remained friends for the first year that we knew each other, but I loved her. Every time I seen her I grew to love her a little more. I spent a year on my own falling in love with her. I never had the guts to tell her how I truly felt though, I was always afraid that she would laugh, or refuse to talk to me all together, and that was something I could not take. I needed her in my life, even if we were only friends.

I, being the naïve person I was, believed that I had found my soul mate, and we would be together forever. Have children, the two-story house and the white picket fence. Those dreams came suddenly crashing down around my shoulders after she told me she had been seeing someone else for the past eight months. How can you lie, telling a person that you loved them, knowing full and well that you had someone waiting for you back at your apartment?

I never expected that she would cheat on me. She always made me promise that I would never do it to her. She said it would hurt her too much. Look who got screwed over.

But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I got out of the bed and pulled on my t-shirt and blue jeans. I couldn’t sleep; there was no use in just lying there when I could be up moving around. The thoughts of loneliness continued to plague my mind. Why did it hurt so badly? Why couldn’t her memory just leave me alone? I couldn’t stand the nagging whispers in my head any longer.

It was almost five. Darkness still enveloped my surroundings and the moon just seemed like it was getting brighter. I walked downstairs and sat on the bottom step. I remembered when we had both of our families over at my house for holidays. My living room was one of the largest rooms in the house, and we would pack it full of family and friends for Christmas, and Thanksgiving.

We were two young people in love. We had our own little family. My 3 dogs, Pudge, Rolls, and Meanie, and her cat, Purfect. She had given Lucky to my little brother Aaron, because he did not get along with the other dogs. She had gotten a cat instead, and surprisingly it took to the dogs. She had tried to leave that cat with me when she left me. I couldn’t keep it though. It just added to the memories that I had of her, and I could not have it in the house too.

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
in fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

By the end of our relationship she had almost completely moved into my house. All of her belongings were there. She didn’t want to take all of her stuff with her when she left. I had to pack the things for her and put them into her car, because she refused to pack them. She had a bad habit of wearing my t-shirts and sweatshirts and things and I had to go through everything she packed to get all of my clothing back.

I could not grasp the fact that she was actually moving on without me. It blew my mind how she made me believe that she loved me, and then cheated on me, broke my heart, and left me to pick up the pieces. I loved her so much. I can’t even begin to make you understand how much Adrienne meant to me. She was like my other half, my better half. I could not remember what my life was like without her in it. It was a harsh reality, I’ll tell you that. It was like all of these things were there with me, and then all of a sudden they were tugged away, and I could never have them again. I wanted her too come back to me. I wanted to hold her in my arms and pretend like everything was ok, but it wasn’t. I just wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to feel a little bit of the pain that I felt every time I took a breath. I wanted her to be hurt like I was. I didn’t want to be the only one falling apart all of the time, but I loved her and I couldn’t let go that easy.

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left

I know I have to forgive and forget if I am ever going to get on with my life. I know in my heart that it is really over, that she is really not coming back this time. I need to forgive her for all of the hurt she caused me, and then I need to put the past behind me and move on with my life, becoming stronger. It would just take some time. I needed to get my closure.

I grabbed my car keys off of the counter top and locked the doors behind me. It was still early morning, but I needed out of the house. I got my truck out of the garage and decided to drive around for a while and clear my head. I felt like a big pile of emotions. I felt so many different things all at once. Anger, Hurt, Betrayal, Resentment, Forgiveness, Sadness, hopelessness. All of these emotions took over my heart and made it difficult to distinguish one from the other. The mission of this trip was to try to put her behind me, to try to forget her. I had no idea if I could even do it, I could try. It couldn’t get any worse, I figured I was as low as I could get.

I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
and all the baggage that seems to still exist

I am tired of all of this. I cannot sit here and pretend that I am over her, because I am not. She was a major part of my life, and it will take more that a few up all nights to make me forget how much I love her. Although, I can’t mope around forever, because as much as I hate to admit it, she is not coming back. It’s truly over, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can move on with my life. I really did want to get over her. I couldn’t keep myself locked away in my bedroom forever, as much as I would like to. I couldn’t have her back, so there was really no use wishin I could.

I parked my truck in an open field just off the main road and got out. It was still pretty dark out and the stars were still vivid in the distance. I climbed atop the hood of my truck and lay down to where I could gaze at the stars. I know I looked pretty funny, but it really did make me feel better, so I wasn’t going to get down anytime soon.

I started talking aloud, to God, to myself, to the stars, to the man in the moon, whoever was listening. I started out relaying the story of how we met, being careful not to leave out any detail. I wanted to be precise about everything. I felt like maybe this would be some form of therapy for me. I told about all of the good times in our relationships. The picnics in the park, the movies and plays we attended together. I told about the bad times too. I told the sky about the countless fights we had had over the course of five years, about how many times we had almost broken up. I made it clear how much I loved her, despite her flaws and imperfections. I began to pray to God that he would help me change my heart, and finally learn to forget about her. I prayed that he would take away the resentment, for the heartache and pain she had inflicted upon me.

It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
is not knowing what we could have been
what we should have been

About an hour later, I finally felt like I was actually staring to get somewhere. The pain had started to diminish, and it didn’t quite hurt so badly. I know that if she had stayed longer and kept her act up, if I hadn’t had found out, that ultimately it would have hurt a lot worse than what it did. I could always play the “what if” game, if I really wanted to imagine what my life could have turned out right. We might have gotten married, even had children. Everything happens for a reason though; it just wasn’t in the cards for us.

I rolled off the hood and landed on my feet, in more ways than one. I finally felt like there was actually a way out. I didn’t feel like I was drowning so much anymore. I climbed into the drivers seat and started the truck. I let it run for a bit and turned on the radio. It was a little after seven. The sun had already started to rise on the western side of the sky. It was a beautiful thing to witness, and I was seeing it alone, and he was actually ok with it. The way home took awhile, I drove through town a couple times before I parked and went into the local coffee house.

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
don’t worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright

I was actually confident that it was all going to be ok. It would still hurt, and I would probably have late nights every once in awhile. I would still miss her, but I think it’s her memory I will love and miss the most. It’s not easy getting over someone you care about a great deal.

She’ll think of me one day. Maybe not right now, but when her new love interest decides he can do better, she’ll miss me. She’ll remember how much I loved her and she’ll probably even try to come back to me. Under normal circumstances, I would probably take her back, but this time is different. This time, I’m actually healing and I won’t want her back in my life. The only thing she will be to me is a fond memory I will keep tucked away in my heart. I’m going to be ok without her.

While you're sleeping with your pride
wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
and on with my life

Right now she knows I’m hurting, and she knows she caused that pain. She’s probably still feeding her pride, knowing I’m the one who got hurt this time. I know I still wish I could have her in my life, but when she least expects it she’ll be feeling the same way I do. I will get on with my life, I’ll learn to forget her, and when she thinks of me, I’ll be long gone.

Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah