Trying to be silent and still, she gulped in large breaths of air, not being able to breathe through her nose as she clutched the monkey pillow that she made four years ago. Hearing her parents arguing with the shouting and screaming of strained voices. Her knees curled as close to her chest as they could as the sun fell low on the Chicago suburb , bringing crystal diamonds in the sky that no one could touch, where Vesteva wanted to be, where she can't be touched.

The radio that sat next to her stared at her with the blinking twelve, flashing like red police lights that fears her future. Lifting her shaky hand, releasing the tight grip off of the pillow she slowly turned the radio on, bringing the soft tunes of a Brian McKnight at a low volume. Trying to cover the sounds that were unwanted, the crying of her baby sister began to envelope the house, echoing throughout the empty house full of fear and hate.

Knocking on the door scared Vesteva as she nestled her comforter close to her chin, wiping the tears away from under her eyes as she tried to sniff through her nose though nothing escapes because it's stuffy.

" Vessie, your mother and I have had a little talk and we believe that you need some counseling. You can't be-," her father began to explain until Vesteva broke out in tears, screaming negative thoughts out loud.

"No, no, no," she repeated, chanting so that her father couldn't have another say. She shook her head back and forth as her wrists met her eyes, covering them from the redness that she didn't want him to see. " You don't understand! I don't want to go there! I just want to stay at home! I hate everyone and they hate me!"

Her father grabbed her wrists as she ripped away from him, not wanting him to touch her. Screaming in madness, no one understood her thoughts, what she went through. " Just go away!". Her father sprung to his feet as the bed creaked from his weight releasing off of the broken mattress. He walked over to the door filled with Ben Affleck pictures as he took one look behind him, seeing his daughter in something that he never wanted her to face. Letting out a sigh because he couldn't get through to her, he closed the door with a light squeak, leaving Vesteva sitting there alone in the darkness with her radio still lightly playing. Letting out slight moans of wanting to be somewhere else, starting a new life or else ending the one she has. Something inside of her kept tingling, giving her a response to some unknown question.

Her sister continued to scream as she fell back against her pillow and stared up at the ceiling. Glowing stars and butterflies filled her eyes, unlike nothing that filled her heart. Being unwanted in this world she had nothing to live for, her grades being bad, her friends pushing her away except for one, and being 18 and never having a real relationship before. She closed her eyes as she pictured herself at school, being haunted and tormented as students came up to her expressing their hatred that shouldn't be shared. No way out, no escaping from the pain that reaches her head to toe, always having it come back in memories, leaving scars on her childhood.

Her phone that sat next to the alarm clock began to ring on low tone, making her jump with a quick twist of her head. She ignored the call, and having her own phone line no one else in the house picked it up. The fourth ring came and she reached over and got it, breathing in deeply through her mouth and letting it all out in a gasp of air.

" Hello?" she lightly squeaked out, nestling herself slowly under her covers.

" Ves? What's wrong?" her best friend Abigail asked without a greeting.

" Oh, nothing, I'm fine. What's new with you? Excited about that big football game Saturday?" Ves changed the subject. Abby could hear the sniffs in the background, wanting answers from what was happening though she knew how Vesteva was. Closed of from the world just as she was at some times. That's the reason that they were such good friends, they understood each other.

"Oh yeah, go Dukes! But really, I just wanted to tell you that I have to work tomorrow after school. So you are going to have to walk home or take the bus. I'm sorry but this job is important to me."

" Yeah, I understand. It's no problem."

With that they both said their good-byes silently as they hung up.

Vesteva just sat there with the mellow tunes of the radio playing. Just thinking about things, she didn't want to go to bed so early, seven o'clock, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to get to bed anyway.

" Ves, I have news for you," her father announced through the door. She didn't respond to his words, not saying anything or going up to open the door. " We have an appointment for you tomorrow with this group. Baby, I think it's best that you go, it can really help you out. I'm going to call Abby and see if she can take you there and pick you up since we are at work."

Tears began to brim her eyes as the thought came to her head. If this came out at school about her having to go to a counselor for problems, then what are people going to think of her? Everything was worse enough that this was going to dig a grave even deeper.

Again she didn't say anything, keeping it all in to herself as she silently cried.

Vesteva had a fear of falling asleep that night, trying to keep what happened behind her as she grabbed her notebook that she catapulted off of her bed. Looking at the blank sheet of white, lined paper, no words could express what she was feeling. Her radio was turned off as the clock was now set to it's correct time, midnight. Six hours until she had to wake, starting the tension in her body for returning to hell in two more quick hours after that.

As Vesteva sat there in English one the next morning, hoping that the teacher wouldn't call on her she dove low in her seat with her legs crossed. Her long, dark brown hair that was naturally wavy hung in her face as it fell all the way down to three inches below the shoulder. Watching the teacher in silence she felt the jerk forward as the boy behind her began to kick her chair. She pretend to ignore it, not bothering to turn around because she knew that if she showed him that she was angary, that he would win.

He began to send short whispers, continuing to push her chair forward so that her legs slid under her desk.

" What a loser," the boy laughed at his own saying, making Vesteva's current football star crush laugh beside him. Her face began to turn red in embarrassment, hoping that no one else heard the what he said. Tears welling up in her eyes she only just put her fingers in her mouth and began to bite her nails, hanging her head low so that no one could see how sad she was. She looked at her watch on her left hand, reading that there was still fifteen minutes of class left and it was only November, the beginning of the school year. She tried to sniff silently but it only made the teacher draw an eye on her.

" Excuse me, Miss Hartner? Are you okay?" Mrs. Nastle disrupted her current topic to pay attention to her.

" Yeah... I'm fine," Vesteva answered quickly, not showing her face. She couldn't tell the real truth to the teacher, everyone would make fun of her more, being a cry baby in class.

Clearing her eyes a little more, she thought about when the class would end, like moving to a different country every 50 minutes. Seeing new people, more comments made to her, and more ignoring like she was the only one in her world. Wanting to let people in, though Abigail was already out of school. She graduated last year and was waiting one year to start college so we could go off together. It didn't put a damage on her education because now she's trying to earn the money to go.

Vesteva grabbed a pencil and began to scribble notes that she half missed from her tearful episode. When the bell rang, she dragged her black boot cut jeans with a gray sweater off to her next class, History where she has to construct a project by herself because no one would work with her and the pairing was uneven.

As the final bell rung for the end of the day, Vesteva let out a sigh of relief, thanking God for letting the day pass without an outburst of anger shooting out of her. She walked slowly down the hallways, keeping her shoulder tightly against the lockers. She clutched her books to her chest so no one could knock them out of her hands. Sounds of laughter filled around her from groups of peers or students she's never seen. Posters hung on lockers, bulletin boards, and poles about the Homecoming Dance that was next Friday. Whenever one passed, Vesteva just looked up at it and sighed. Even though it being senior year, nothing seemed important enough to put full attention towards it. She knew she wasn't going to find a date, there was no use to it.

Closing her eyes tightly for a few seconds she whispered, " It's not you.... It's not you...," in a quiet repeating pattern. She placed her hair behind her ears though keeping her head still, she tossed her eyes to the side, watching all the smiles that people showed that could never show upon her face. Reaching closer to where her locker stood she noticed something different, always knowing what things have change because she had nothing else to pay attention to. Racing over to her locker in a hurry speed walk, she lent out her arm to find a broken lock hanging in the hole of the handle. Sucking in all the feelings, she didn't dread fear if anything was taken. She just stared at the lock, looking at the worn out numbers in white. Being able to block out all other sounds, her mind was being controlled by an object as her heart was in some other place, or not even there.

" Watch out!" some boy screamed as a football came passing over Vesteva's head, barely missing the right side of her cheek as she caught the breeze. Waking up from a dream, she was snapped back into reality and saw the football player stare her straight in the eyes, noticing that it was her dark brown eyed crush. " Sorry." He announced, and carried on with his business.

" I am too, " she murmured beneath her breath, giving out a slight laugh. How could so many things happen to a girl who hasn't committed anything, only patience, strength and a good heart? Understanding life was a challenge among most things. Everyone is probably asking that same question in their heads but could never mean it until they were in Vesteva's shoes.

A girl came rushing down the hallway, running in Vesteva's direction with a light purple spring jacket on with a light yellow backpack. It bobbed up and down as each step came closer to her. Vesteva opened her locket find her coat missing which had the possession of her wallet. Putting her arm against the locker next to her she cradled her head there, rubbing it back and forth as if this didn't happen.

The girl came to a stop as she stood directly behind Vesteva, then placing a hand on her shoulder. " Vessie, you know things are going to get better, it takes time," her classmate Leigha soothed her, rubbing her hand on her shoulder then with a light comfort. Leigha was known as the all around girl, friends with everyone. Vesteva and her were close entering Freshman year, being great middle school buddies. As soon as everyone introduced each other those first two weeks that school began, people went their separate ways and Leigha was one of them.

" Takes time? How long have I been waiting? I can't go through this every day 'til May." Vesteva cried into her arm, using her other hand to help talk. " Just leave me alone for right now, okay?"

Vesteva cleared her eyes with her sweater, drawing back her tears as she began to dig through the mess of papers in her lockers that the criminal had left. Luckily she never hung anything on her locker door, so she couldn't believe that anyone would even want to break into there. Her wavy long brown hair bounced back and forth as the front layer wavered over her shoulder. Remembering that she had her notebook in the front pocket of her tote bag, her eyes widened, scrimmaging to the back where the bright orange bag hung. Quickly pulling it out, dragging math and English papers on the ground, she held up her knee for support placing the tote bag there.

" Thank God," she mumbled as she felt the spiral rings between her fingers. Forgetting about the useless papers on the floor, she placed a couple books in her bag and used the same lock to lock her locker up even though it as slightly damaged and could barely lock.

Walking down the crowed sidewalks she passed the tennis courts, seeing one of her ex-friends doing a back hand spring with her racket. Never knowing why that friendship ended, Vesteva never wanted to ask because of fear. Dragging her feet across the hard cement walking away from the hell in her life, she stumbled over the crack between the tiles. Falling forward, she caught herself before she fell then peered around to see if anyone was watching.

Her father reminded her this morning that Abby wasn't able to pick her up from school so she would have to walk over to the building herself. It wasn't a great distance from the school, about seven blocks away. Then Abby would pick her up afterwards. How embarrassing, her best friend knowing that she has psychological problems.