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I Try, I Pray, I Know, I Guess

I try my very best,
To pretend that I am ok,
Silently, I paint this fake smile,
Upon my face.
I pray that the world,
Will never really see,
All this pain, I've been forced to endure,
And this lonliness that is killing me.

I know they'd all be shocked to learn,
Just how broken I really am,
And I wonder if they could ever really say,
That they truely understand.
For, I once used to Live my life
With a passion that burned so deep,
But, that was before I was told,
That my kids, I could not keep.

With out any justification, from them,
And surely no remorse or shame,
Their Lives go on, as mine slip away,
And now I know that things will never again, be the same.
I some times have alright days,
But, mostly I just want to die,
To go on living with out my kids,
I merely ask, 'But Why? '

I guess they got what they wanted,
But, may the Lord have mercy, upon their souls.
'Cause judgement day will come,
And we'll see what for them, it beholds.

written June 06,2004



I sat staring out the window, searching for some understanding,
Some peace of mind.
Oh, how I long for the comfort I once felt, the feeling of belonging,
And the tranquility in life, that I now cannot find.
I feel empty inside,
Like a part of me is missing, or maybe has even died,
And with this anguish burning from deep with in my Soul,
It's these bitter, angry tears, that I cry.

The sudden realization, that there is nothing I can do, ever,
Pounds in my head, chanting the song of a loser, an involent.
The ties that once held me to my Hope are now tangled around my throat,
And their choking me with nothing but pure resentment.
Oh, if only I would have known,
Such torment I could have saved this poor old heart from.
If only I would have listened to what all the others had said,
Long before all this mass destruction, was done.

But, I am a fool of all fools,
And I deserve only what I get,
And staring out across what is now just The Ruins,
I know this I shall Never forget.
I took a chance,
Then I watched it all come tumbling down,
Shattering into a million pieces of What Might Have Been,
Upon the ground.


My Last Words

I believe, -
That the time has come for me to move on,
My breath shall no longer blow,
My heart shall no longer beat strong.

My physical body, I shall leave behind,
But, my Soul, will finally be free.
There will be no more pain, and no more tears,
And no one again, will ever hurt me.

Sadly, I leave behind, what's always meant the most,
Only because I know I am not what they need.
They deserve to be happy, not what me suffer,
So you see, their better off, indeed.

So as I prepare for my long journey Home,
I finally begin to feel some peace of mind.
Soon all this suffering will be long forgotten,
And true happiness, I too, shall find.

Written December 29,1997



Out into the mystical moonlight,
Lurking amongst the half dead trees,
My biggest fears have come to pass,
And their bringing me to my knees.
The not so silent echoes,
Fill the damp and dreary air,
I can hear the sounds of tortured cries,
That seem to be coming from out of nowhere.

There are shadows upon the ground,
Which decieve what little I can see.
I thought I smelt recognition,
But, my imagination has once again forsaken me.
I continue to wander, alone but in silence,
Moving, but not really going anywhere.
All because I have been unjustifiably forbidden to ever move on,
This Burden, I Alone, must now bear.

I guess I will never know,
All the secrets this old soul has with held.
Their long forgotten, erased by pain,
Empty empathy, so viciously impelled.
I beg and I plead, just to be set free.
Released somewhere in the evening mist,
Where I can put this all behind me and pretend,
This pain never really did exist.

Written June 21 1999 @ 6: 40 pm


Oh Daddy

This coming June,
It will have been one year,
Since you passed away,
And left me here.
I miss you so much,
And it's almost unbearable at times.
I feel so empty and alone,
This Misery is about all I can call mine.

I like to imagine that you're up there in Heaven,
Looking down over me.
Some how it makes me feel closer to you,
Since with you I can no longer be.
Oh Daddy,
How will I ever go on?
I dont think I'm going to make it with out you,
Unlike you, I am weak, I am not that strong.

Daddy, can you hear me,
Please, Dont Leave.
I need you now, more than ever,
Please sat with me.
Oh Daddy, I Love You,
And you are The Greatest Man I Ever Knew,
I miss you, and I forever will,
And hopefully, I'll see you soon.

written may 01,2003 @9: 23 pm


The Greatest Man

Just the other day,
I lost the Greatest Man I ever knew,
The man who gave me life,
And whose heart was always true.
He taught me to be strong,
And to stand up for what I believe.
He taught me about honor,
And showed me how a good man is supposed to be.

He never, once hit,
Nor did he ever lie.
But, at times he could be so brutely honest,
He'd unintentionally, make me cry.
He always stood beside me,
Through all the thick and the thin,
And I know if he had the chance,
He'd do it all over again.

He adopted me with out hesitation,
And he gave me the Hepner name.
And I know going on living with out him here,
I will never again be the same.
My Grandpa, - My Daddy,
He is all the same to me.
He truely was the Greatest Man I Ever Knew,
And in my heart, and in my Soul, he will forever be.

I Love you Daddy, Where ever you are.