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Rant number two
- The big kitchen debacle!

Written : 12/21/05

This week brings not only the Christmas Eve, but if you consider Monday the first day of the week, it's got Christmas itself along for the ride too. And to top it all off, my youngest brother's birthday is this week too. What this has to do with anything, we'll get to a bit later. Right now, I have a little story to tell.

The other night, I was peacefully napping the afternoon away. Or maybe I was watching Becker. Now that I'm pretty much sitting around all day every day, it all kind of blurs together. Anyhow, I was doing my thing when my dad pops in to inform me that all other residents of my house would be heading out to hockey for the night, and that I would have to feed myself. This is trouble, because my culinary skills are limited, and I'm just too damned lazy to cook what I can. But no problem, there is usually plenty of shit I can just throw in the microwave, so I go about my business as usual.

Some time later, probably around an hour or so, I headed up to the kitchen to see what I'd be stuffing my face with that evening. This is where all the trouble starts. Normally, there's a place for everything and everything's in its place. This was not so today. Today, the kitchen counter was occupied by two things that slightly irked me. There were a trio of canned noodles and the remnants of a cake.

Now this is where that bit about my brother's birthday from the first paragraph comes into play. The day before was his party, with all the little kids and whatnot. Long story short, we went to Ruckers, I got served at DDR (no surprise there), and we came home with about half a cake. Much of that cake was eaten between this time and where I've gotten in my story, and there was only a couple slices left. Only, there was something horribly wrong with those slices...

Look at this travesty! Look at it! Who cuts a piece of cake like that? Who takes the middle out of a chunk of cake? I've been around my fair share of cakes, and I've never ever seen anyone cut a piece of cake like this. Do you know why? Because that's not how you cut a sodding cake! A square/rectangle cake is cut in a checkerboard pattern, not all willy-nilly like this. You may think that I'm getting all worked up about nothing, and while it's true that getting worked up about nothing is what I do best, the worst is yet to come.

Taking a closer look, you can clearly tell that not only did someone take the middle piece out of the chunk of cake, but they had also cut it into smaller rectangles! Seriously, who cuts rectangles? And such small rectangles at that. Come on. If you're gonna eat some cake, cowboy up and have a real piece, not some pussy little rectangle sliver. The fact that someone in my family has stooped to this level of wimpitude is infuriating. I refuse to believe that I'm related to someone who would opt to only have a sliver of cake when a normal-sized chunk is available. Again, maybe I'm getting worked up about nothing, but consarnit, this is an insult to cakes everywhere. Except for the round ones. I mean, unless you're eating him piece-by-piece, even Cookie Puss gets cut into squares (or as close as you can get where the edges are concerned).

Obviously, I dealt with it in the only way a poorly-cut cake will respond to.

I'll have to admit that bad cutting aside, the cake was very delicious. While it was certainly no homemade cake, the bakers at Safeway have done a commendable job at making the only truly good grocery store cake. Seriously. I refuse to eat cakes from any other grocery store on account of most of the time they taste horrible. Bad cake is the one thing that infuriates me even more than poorly-cut cake.

Like this one time, my mom bought a orange cheesecake. At first, I was a little skeptical, as I love cheesecake, and the orange didn't seem like a good place to go with it. But as far as I could tell, the orange was just a layer of goop placed on top of the cheesecake, so I could simply scrape it off if it didn't work. I'll tell you this much, it didn't work. Orange cheesecake is fucking nasty. And it gets even worse. See, the orange wasn't just on top after all. No, that shit was infused into the very cake itself, so even the smallest bite would incur the sickening wrath of orange and cheesecake combined. That was the worst experience with a cake I've ever had.

But back to my story. I mentioned some canned noodles before, and boy did I have problems with those noodles.

Notice, if you will that before my parents left, they have the nerve to leave out three cans of noodles and place labels on them. Labels for what? Labels noting who should be eating what. Why would they do this? Why not just leave out the noodles and let us fend for ourselves? This is crazy.

So as the story goes, two of my brothers would be arriving home within the hour, explaining why cans were left out for them. I'm sure you'd figured that out, but just to make sure. But I had an hour before anyone got home, and all the noodles could have just as easily been mine. I guess my biggest problem is with the fact that I got delegated the Spongebob noodles.

Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. I'm the oldest of the bunch, and I'm the only one who they give the character noodles.

Upon shifting the camera a little, we see that there is a stack of more cans of noodles. Why is it that when there are a whole bunch of cans, that we are assigned to eat a specific can? And why am I the only one who gets the character noodles? I'll grant you that I'd prefer these over the mini-raviolis (so I like my pasta and beef separate, sue me), and I guess my parents are aware of this, but I know my youngest brother is a huge Spongebob Squarepants fan, and that he would more than likely want the Spongebob noodles over the mini-ravioli. Am I going anywhere with this? No. Not really.

So the last thing I want to rant about is the noodles themselves. They're obviously shaped like Spongebob characters. I've got no big issue with this, but I do have a problem with how they're shaped.

Look at the Spongebob noodle. At first glance, it looks like everything is in order. But then you notice that he's been relieved of arms and legs. Okay, we can make a concession here in that the shape may be a bit big or too complicated for the noodle machine. No problem so far. But take a look at these!


Well well well, what's this? Both the Mr. Krabbs noodle and the Patrick noodle get full shapes. Limbs and all. What is this? Why doesn't the titular character get the best noodle? You don't see Mr. Krabbs' name on the can, do you? No. Because they're Spongebob Squarepants noodles. That in mind, Spongebob should have the best noodle! If I had my own brand of noodles, and a secondary character got a better noodle than me, you can bet I'd be right pissed. Old Spongebob had better get his agent on the phone, because as much crap as his face is on, Heinz is clearly giving him the short end of the stick.

Look at the poor Spongebob noodle. Doomed to live out his days as a sauce-covered amputee, only able to sustain himself by gobbling up any stray forks that might accidentally wander into his mouth. Such is not the live that any noodle would want to live. Heck, I don't think any Spongebob merch wants to be an amputee. Don't worry though, I put him out of his misery. He was yummy, but not as good as the cake. One can only expect as much.

You know, as little importance as any of the above has on anything, I feel a little better having gotten that off my chest. Hey, it's not like there's anything important in my life to complain about, so I have to pick out the little things. Besides, it's been way too long since I just went off on any little thing, so it's a healthy venting if nothing else. I just wish it had been as interesting to read as it was to experience. Mmmm, that was good cake.

~Ryan
E-Mail: Mr_Hotshot64v2[at]hotmail[dot]com