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Review of a box
- a Corn Pops box

Written : 08/03/05

I'm no stranger to reviews of food. X-Entertainment has tons of 'em, and that's like my favourite website ever. Matt's done reviews of many types of food, ranging from Wendy's 99 cent Super Value Menu to potato-flavoured soda. But the most prominent of these food reviews (at least to me) are the cereal reviews. They're probably what really pushed me to start up this X-E clone site. Heck, I've even written one myself (and there was supposed to be a second, but I procrastinated too long and lost the pictures). And today would seem to be the day that we get to review a second cereal on this majestic website. Or maybe not.

While I will be taking a quick look at a long-standing favourite of mine, the subject of this article is not in fact the cereal, but the box that it was contained it. Another small point of interest, an excuse for me to put in another link, is that I'm looking at a completely run-of-the-mill cereal here. Most cereal reviews are reserved for those which are less likely to stick around for decades. Just something I noticed like five minutes ago. So anyhow, it's time to get down to business. Why do I always end up using that sentence or one very much like it?

Aaah, the beautiful sight that is the Corn Pops box. So full of majesty and... orange. Oh crap. Used majesty twice. Someone buy me a thesaurus. This picture is clickable.

As I was saying, I love Corn Pops. Of course, I wouldn't choose them if say, a certain ninja-themed cereal were available, but they're still up there. From way when I was just a little Ryan to today, the Pops have stood the test of time and remained up on my chart of best cereals out there. Note that no such chart actually exists. Yet. So why do I gotta have my Pops? Is it the clever advertising campaigns? No. I absolutely loathe the new ones. It's really just that they taste good. Duh. I mean, considering that they're named after a vegetable and taste nothing like it is a big plus. I also like the crunchy texture, though that in itself can cause a bit of a problem.

You see, the Corn Pop's rigid texture has a certain tendency to cause irreparable (but not really) damage to the roof of one's mouth. I'm sure everyone's eaten a cereal that does this, and I've even encountered folks who won't go near a certain cereal because it gashes your mouth. This trait goes hand-in-hand with Cap'n Crunch as far as infamy goes, but several other cereals do exhibit the trait, and unfortunately Corn Pops is on the list. On the upside, it does very little damage compared to Cap'n Crunch.

And if you've got no other reason to like the Pops, just look at all that great nutritional information! Seriously, what else am I suppsed to write here? I've got this gigantic colum to fill up with some kind of words, be they babbling or other wise, and I'm not even past the customer help line yet?

Though it does strike me as a bit odd why they might need to include a customer help line on a box of cereal. What exactly would you need to phone Kellogg's for? All the nutritional information and ingredients are right on the side there, so that pretty much covers any real reasons you could have to call them. So what does that leave? Would you phone because you want to know the exact RGB values of the Corn Pops' orange colour so that you can use that exact colour for a bland background on your website? Maybe to tell them how much you love Corn Pops in hopes of them mailing you some kind of free Corn Pops information kit? Maybe just phone sex? The mysteries of this mysterious phone line might never be solved... Perhpas I'll call and ask why exactly I should be calling.

Just for kicks, here's another link to cereal.

Ha. I said kicks. Like Kix.

But as I was saying before, just look at how much of those nutrient things are in this stuff! Okay, maybe it's not that much. I'm no health nut, and I don't care at all about getting my recommended servings or getting all four food groups every day. It's all just fancy hippie-talk to me. But some people live by what the health board says, so whatever.

So anyway, the box claims that Corn Pops are a source of seven essential nutrients. Now assuming that the first block of crap there doesn't have anything to do with these nutrients, and we factor out the milk, it's clear that Corn Pops contain nine nutrients! Iron, thiamin, niacin, vitamin B6, folate, pantothenate, phosphorus, magnesium, zinc. Nine. Now as far as I know, nine is not equal to seven. So two of these mustn't be essential. Fakes! Going the easy way and singling out those which are the least abundant, I'd say that the phosphorus and magnesium are the fakes. Though it could be folate and pantothenate, because I've never heard of them before. Mystery not solved. We'll just have to let the nutrients sort this out among themselves. Has anything in this article been pertinent at all? Or even rational?

Holy crap! Look how much thiamin is in this stuff! Assuming that the serving is one cup, and a bowl is like 3 cups, add milk into the factor, and you're effin' loaded with this stuff. Further research indicated that thiamin is actually vitamin B1 in a clever disguise. I did not know this. Also, check this: "necessary for carbohydrate metabolism and normal neural activity". Does this mean that if I had a thiamin deficiency I'd go loony? Is it too late?

*looks at next picture* ....Screw this. Center'd!

Think about it this way; did you really want me to ramble on and on about Butter-Crunch Squares? Didn't think so. But as kind of an angry afterthought, why does everything always have to have goddamned nuts? I hate nuts. They ruin so many things, from cookies to... other kinds of cookies. And brownies. But criminy! Why the nuts? Don't people realize that their products would be much tastier and open to a much wider audience, so to speak (think about how many people are deathly allergic to the things), if they were nutless? Oh, wait. I don't hate peanuts. Peanuts and I are cool. Totally cool. Particularly those of the honey roasted variety. Oh man... I wish I had some right now.

You won't be able to tell, but I just took a short walk to the corner store, and upon verification that they did not in fact sell honey roasted peanuts, I became both very sad and very angry. Sure, the grocery not twenty yards away probably has some, but I didn't think of that then and it's too late now.

VV- Click this picture to make it real big! -VV

And now, now we finally reach the meat and potatoes of this article. Though it may end up shorter that I expect and then the first part will end up being the meat and potatoes of the... Bah! Perish the thought, matey! This little "personalty quiz" you see floating mysteriously above these words is the entire reason I decided to write this article! And after more than a thousand words and two spellchecks we finally arrive! And I have no idea how to go about it. Oh well. I guess we should see about these question thingies, no?

1. People often describe you as:

  • Confident
  • Energetic
  • Easy-going

    Now there isn't any real problem with this question, other than how do you know what people describe you as? I have no idea which of these three options people would say about me. Usually when people desribe someone else, they're giving the description to someone other than the one they're describing. Maybe I'm looking a little too deep into this, but search your feelings, and find the answer you will.

    2. When talking to someone, you:

  • Sometimes make eye contact
  • Always make eye contact
  • Never make eye contact

    3. When there is a party, you:

  • Usually planned it
  • Are the life of the party
  • Become a wallflower

    4. Your favourite past-times generally include activities like:

  • Extracurricular clubs/organizations
  • Going out with friends
  • Reading

    Now questions two and three are generally spotless (that and I just don't want to have to come up with some kind of problem with them), but I have a huge issue with four. What if I don't like those past-times? I mean, yeah, I partake in all three, but I wouldn't place even one of them in my top ten things to do. So what do I do in this case? I don't really prefer one over the other, so do I just get a 0 for a neutral answer? Why isn't Kellogg's more considerate of us recluses who don't like to read that much!?

    5. Your favourite time of the year is:

  • Fall/Spring
  • Summer
  • Winter

    I like fall, but I hate spring, and I don't want to be lumped in with those hippie spring-lovers.

    6. You have the most energy:

  • In the morning
  • All day long
  • In the evening

    Does "all day long" equate to "mid-day"?

    7. You dream vacation would be:

  • A safari
  • A week anywhere with lots of friends
  • Relaxing on a beach

    8. You favourite movies are generally:

  • Action/Adventure
  • Comdey
  • Romance/Drama

    No issues with seven, but I'm sure glad that all the movies ever filmed can be lumped into three categories. I mean, you're only really missing horror, but still. Concur!

    9. When things don't go exactly as planned, you:

  • Take charge of the situation to change it
  • Go with the flow
  • Accept your fate and don't re-plan

    Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. This isn't my Batman mousepad.

    I guess that gag doesn't work so well in text. Anyhow, aren't the second and third answers the same thing, just with varying religious connotation? I don't really have a Batman mousepad. I wish I were that cool.

    10. When preparing to go out, you:

  • Wear something that you like
  • Wear something that your friends will like
  • Throw on whatever's clean

    One might assume that should you choose the third option, you're also choosing the first, because it would be illogical to own something you don't like. Also, it should be noted that if you don't choose number three, you've got a 50% chance of wearing dirty clothes. Should you choose the second option, you're not really trying to impress your friends, but the other lonely bar-goers, and are simply trying to get laid.

    Well, the questions had a few problems here and there, but how about the results? I'm predicting some very flawed logic within the next few paragraphs. You know, I think maybe I'll just show you the pictures of the results, and then correct them in text, rather than judge them directly. (I'm taking it into assumption that you answered all "one-pointers" for the first result and so on)

    You're a leader, or so we think! More than half the questions were totally irrelevant when it comes to exposing leadership qualities! People often look to you for guidance and to make sure you don't fall asleep during the party you planned. You're typically out, going on safari, but have a definite need to be alone so you can admire your outfit without people learning how narcissistic you are. You tend to be creative, opinionated and honest, though none of the questions in our quiz came even close to trying to prove that you posess these traits.

    You're even more in love with yourself than the last guy! People are often drawn to your ego and those tight pants. You have a large circle of friends you'd forget in a day and are always on the move because you took too much speed. Others admire your eagerness to drink the most with energy and an unwaivering egotism. We should have put some answers in this test that would made for some good jokes.

    You like to be alone, you ugly, ulgy loser! You say it's because you like to be, but it's really because you've been shunned by most for being a loser. You take life in stride because you have to and keep opinions to yourself because the jocks will beat you up otherwise. Others look to you for test answers and appreciate your ability to wear clothes that don't smell like ass. Although reserved in all social situations, you hold online company with unique individuals like "n00b_killAh" and "r0x0r_the_hax0r".

    Wow. I've never had to stretch for content so much. Or, to make content that I deem worthy of being read by anyone. It's not a very tight screening process but it is there. Please find me funny. I don't have good looks to fall back on.

    I was going to make fun of these little people and their bilingual onomatopoeia, but I just don't have it in me to go on for much longer. It was a lot harder to type this than you might imagine.

    To be perfectly honest, I'm just trying to slowly ease into a new less-formatted article format. You know, putting pictures beside text rather than in between, using asterisks to denote my thoughts, not having standard block paragraphs (i.e. some that are a single sentence) and just generally letting my thoughts go all over the place even moreso than usual. I think that the best way to improve is to let go of all standards, and then slowly build my own style around the mess. So until then, you might see more articles like this one. Hope this works out for the best.


    E-Mail: Mr_Hotshot64v2[at]hotmail[dot]com