Open up the transfer window, let some hot air into this room!

FROM WHAT APPEARED TO BE THE HORSE’S MOUTH – Keeping abreast of the 44DD bra that is world football...

Reports in Scandinavia are claiming that Jari Ligott-Migoinng, Finland’s answer to Wayne Rooney, will join Everton later this month for a brief trial period. This is not the case for now, but one thing’s for sure – he’s stirring a lot of excitement over there. One player the club are definitely not interested in is half-Asian, half-Italian defender Sarjan Peppusloni-Harhtsclab. With his flowing black Roman locks and cocky Delhi swagger, Sarjan is proving to be a big hit with the ladies and has recently launched a rock career with his group, the originally titled Sarjan Peppusloni-Harhtsclab Band. Moyes’ lack of interest is a shame as, ignoring his off-field extravagancies, he’s a wonderfully talented centre-half. I’d like to take him home with us.

Moyes is, however, still keen to bolster the rearguard and has been keeping close tabs on Fulham’s Alain Goma. Further defensive reinforcements are likely to come in the form of promising Hearts left-back Derek Dannew and Icelandic/Spanish/American centre-half Skor-Juan Moore. David Weir will assume the captaincy in a backline that should read something like:

Weir, Goma, Skor-Juan Moore, Dannew

In front of them, Moyes is searching desperately for some creative midfield talent, with Chilean playmaker Juet-Al di Pies topping his wanted list. If this falls through, then a deal for Nigerian hardman Daref Ari Sawanka is likely to be struck.

An injury and suspension-hit forward line is likely to result in Moyes bringing in some attacking cover. He has already consulted his friend and former Everton manager Walter Smith, who did a search on Championship Manager for Striker, Scottish, Over 30 and Cheap. He came up with the following results:

Spencer, John (Motherwell)
Johnston, Mo (Windy City Donuts)

Moyes is more likely to move for Inter Vaggina youngster Paulo Canugo, who’s contractual disputes with the Serie D side have left him in limbo. Millionaire owner Loads Armani has spent heavily on the club’s youth academy, producing established first-teamers like Bene Volente, the Mr Nice Guy of Italian football, as well as narky half-African ball-winner Ivabone T’Picwiju. However, talk of Brewerybreath striker Dermot O’Logical coming to Goodison should be ignored. Kenwright has had it in for the Irish ever since he choked on a roast potato at a U2 concert; that’s why he sold Dunne, Phelan and Farrelly, and why he deliberately ignores Colm’s Corner on Toffeeweb. By the same token, there is no chance of Hamp O’Mann signing for the club. He is set to remain at Tranmere, whom he joined from Bulgarian league side Summerov Promisis.

Joe Max Moore’s recent departure was an amicable one, so much so that he was sure to suggest some burgeoning MLS talents to David Moyes before he left. Now, you may have heard of American band The Eels; but what you may not have known was that singer Mr E’s brother is currently plying his trade with Utah Bulls. Bugsbun E is developing into a fine all-round defender, so much so that his Spanish coach El Mer suggests that this is his season. Bugsbun, though, is quick to deflect the attention onto Welsh team-mate Daffyd Uck. Daffyd’s rather unusual surname stems from his baptism when, halfway through the ceremony, he urinated in the holy water. Keep an eye out also for Frenchman Porqui Pigue, who’s been hamming it up all season with his wide range of skills at Hillbilly Jazz, whilst Korean midfielder Yo Semi Tisan has a deadly shot belying his diminutive stature.

Once and for all, one must dispel the notion that the MLS is a Mickey Mouse league.

Whilst Moyes is likely to move for at least one of these players, scouts have returned from watching the Dim Sum Yo Fish County Championships in South Korea unimpressed by striker Shin Gard, a distant cousin of our very own nt. Gard has become an overnight sensation in his homeland, but wants away as he feels his game is not maximised by his club Gung Ho’s style of play.

Meanwhile, representatives from the club have been spotted regularly checking out the talent at the latest in the line of semi-pro nouveau riches. Following in the footsteps of the upwardly mobile Rushden and Diamonds is West Country club Simen and Gerfunkels who, despite their lowly status in the Pot Noodle Premiership, represent a model of what Everton should aspire to be.

Simen and Gerfunkels have imported players from all over the world. The signing of Japanese striker I. Yama Rok shifted hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of merchandise, but Russian-Italian striker Soundov Silenzi may soon demand a transfer in order to placate the various ‘families’ he was born into. It’s nice though to see an American making a mark on the English game, what with Homer Ward bound for stardom, and Spanish playmaker El Condor is a wonderful pasa of the ball. However, Nigerian hardman Oseh Cilia is suffering from shaky confidence after finding his route into the first team blocked after a short spell out. Apparently, he just went up to wash his face and, when he came back, someone had taken his place. The club biologist often jokes about how apt Cilia’s name is, given that he likes to get up the noses of the opposition. He is attracting interest from North Eastern rivals Parsley Sage Rosemary upon-Tyne.

Anyway, can confirm that Chilean hotshot Juan Kinnear will not be signing for Everton. He did, however, come very close to doing so after Moyes travelled to Argentina to watch him in the big Buenos Aires derby match between Boca Selecta and Cluba Cluba Cluba Cluba Cluba Chameleon. The centre-forward then travelled back to Bellefield with Moyes and was sat in an office awaiting contractual negotiations when Bill Kenwright walked in.

JK: Hey, I’m Juan Kinnear!

BK: Oops! Sorry, I’ll come back later.

Needless to say, Juan was not overly impressed, but it’s nothing new; the club have experienced similar problems with Goawayam Jerkinoff and Cumabak Wenivacum.

The story behind Egyptian striker Duyathinkam Sexi’s near-signing is legendary on Merseyside. It is a fact that he was considered by then-manager Walter Smith but, when Smith raised the issue of Duyathinkam Sexi, the board responded with a resounding ‘Not in that tracksuit, but I like the way the club crest accentuates your cheekbones’. Sexi has since retired from the international scene, though his younger brother Anduthinkam has emerged as a right-back of considerable clout. Scouts from Everton will be present at Egypt’s friendly match against local league side Tutenkamen Hotspur next Saturday, and could be assessing anyone from the following likely starting line-up:

1. Ifuwan Mabodi
2. Anduthinkam Sexi
3. Kummon Shugga
4. Letmino
5. Ifu Rilly
6. Nidmi
7. Justa Kumman
8. Tuchmi
9. Kummon Uppan
10. Tel Miso

Egypt will start the match with 10 men, as they ran out of lyrics.

Meanwhile, L’Equipe are reporting that Rangers have beaten Everton to the signing of Vaseque Tomi. At £500,000, the French defender will be a snip for Alex McLeish’s men, but it may result in the departure of Ball.

But, to end with, some good news: Oliver Sarmi is on his way. The Egyptian U21 international will join Everton pending the arrival of a work permit, and he’s eager to link up with the Blues. He’s desperately unhappy at Cleopartick Thistle and recently issued a statement saying, ‘I would rather be anywhere else but here today’.

From What Appeared To Be The Horse’s Mouth – Where no news is good news.



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