Date- December 3, 2002
Wow, its been a really REALLY long time since I last updated, more then a month to be exact. I decided to finally update after reading somebody's livejournal and realizing there were a few things that have been bothering me lately that I felt I had to write down. There are some people who are lucky enough to have a great family. One that loves them, cares about them, and will always be there for them. I am not one of those lucky ones. My parents have been divorced since I was in first grade. They didn't love each other, or me and my siblings, enough to stay together. You know that song by Blink182 "Stay Together for the Kids"? This sounds really lame but I get teary every time I hear that song because my parents didn't do that, and if they did my life would've been so different, I could've been a much better person and I wouldn't be so depressed all the time. I always feel ignored and looked down upon in my house. Because of these feelings I've learned not to share my feelings or thoughts with my family, because I know they won't care, or I'll get in trouble or treated differently because of them. Feeling like this at home has made me feel like this in school. Too often I hide how I'm really feeling; depressed, ignored, worthless, suicidal. Moving to a new school hasn't helped with these feelings. Everyday I go to school wondering why I decided to switch schools. Nobody knows me. Out of the people I do know, I'm only friends with a few of them. So when I'm not with those few people, I feel worthless and ignored. I have nobody to talk to about how I feel or what I'm thinking. I've been reduced to writing down everything on this sad excuse for a webpage, to try and get any random person who decides to read this to feel sorry for me. My mom has noticed that I've been depressed, and even though she's been saying that she's going to send me to a therapist for years, she's made no attempt to. I actually want to go, just so I can have somebody to tell all my problems to. Instead my older sister goes. Apparently she's much more important then I am. And I've grown to just accept my position in my family, and in life in general, as nothing. People always wonder why I plan on moving far far away after high school. The truth is I would run away if I had somewhere to go. Sometimes I feel that if I stay here any longer, I might act on my thoughts. I'll just run away and never look back.
Band I'm listening to at the moment- Saves the Day
*Kirstin*
