[06.04.02]
unhappy endings: took the day off and went to Great Adventure with my friends. LOVED the ride Nitro, hated the viper; feel that the Scream Machine should be renamed the Head-Banging Machine. overall, it was great just chillin out, butat the end of the day, found out that my brother had gotten into acar accident. totally bummed out my day. luckily everyone in the car was fine, the worst injury was bruises and a chipped tooth.
i find life very "strange" sometimes... like how you can be high-on-life, thinking that everything is good in the world and then have yourself totally brought back down to earth with sobering news of that sort.
on another thought...
longevity of idioticity: a bar full of asians for my friends send-off/farewell party. (i left early, but heard that shortly after i left a fight broke out) typical you might say.. asians fighting.. but this time i would have to root for my asian-man. why? here`s the deal.. some white guy got is his a.ss-kicked.. why? cuz he told some asian girl to "go back to China". i have to say this guy had balls to say that, considering that the majorityof the population there that night was over 75% asians. oki oki.. i really dont approve of a.ss-kicking, but in this case, i`m glad that they united to show that guy some sense. maybe next time he wouldnt be so stupid, but idiots are idiots, right?
[06.06.02]
finding religion: my mom tells me last night that she prays now (my uncle taught her the other night). how strange.. to find religion after all these years.. my mom was raised catholic (cuz of the HK schooling system) but she personally neverbelieved in it until my brother had the accident. i find it somewhat ironic that she would pray to Jesus when she really doesnt believe in him. i asked her why she is now chosing to pray and she simply answered "your brother is a christian, God spared the lives of those in the car. it was a miracle." i think that maybe the testimony of my brother`s beliefs is showing through to my mom. i personally think that if it was really a miracle, then God would have not allowed the accident to have happened. cynical arent i? but i guess my mom`s point is that the miracle is the fact that no one was hurt, though the damage to that car was immense. makes me think about my own beliefs. i still wonder if i really believe in God sometimes.. hmmmm.. sometimes i really just think its hard not too.
[06.07.02]
not a girl...not yet a woman: been thinkin about my life, and sometimes i wonder how i got to where i am now. im not a kid anymore, meaning i have to take reponsibilities for myself; but i also feel that im not truely an adult yet (living at home and the attitude about just having fun). then again sometimes i just feel old, wheneveryone atparties areway hooched out or thuggie. people tell me that im young cuz im only 23... *sigh*
unable to go back in time (or still act like a child) i can only look forward to my life, which is somewhat scary but exciting.. i have been thru many experiences and obsticles in the last 23 years and each time i have grown from them, buti still feel like a kid in many way. still naive aboutmany things at times, but jaded and more cynical than before.. every morning i wake up still the same, its just me, not any more of a woman.. i wonder if one day i`ll just wake up and think "today is the day, today i`m a woman"
[06.11.02]
=): Happy 25th Birthday Mr. Dover!! bein a quarter of a century aint that bad! hope you have a good one today
[06.18.02]
running with the pack: i sometimes wonder if i really care how other perceive me or my friends. i think like any other person, i would care if my reputation was on the line, but just being known in a social scene isnt something bad or even avoidable. but being in a social circle, do the actions of a "pack member" play a reflection on you or the group? i think inevitably it does.. doesnt it? people like to talk, they generalize about you and your friends though they have no idea what you personally are like. i`ve see myself being critical of a girl if i`ve heard that her friend is a "ho", so whose to say that other people dont generalize like i do and label my friends and i for the actions of an individual. i guess i just find it disturbing to hear something negative said about someone i know. but what can i do about it, they chose their own path right? being in a social asian circle sucks sometimes cuz its extreme small these days, definately not the six degrees of separation.. more like two degrees
[06.20.02]
1,2,3...no more?: im so sad that AA doesnt display the hit counter on peoples pages anymore... darnit.. i was gettin up there to my 10,000 hit =*( now i`ll never know!! please someone fix it!!! write a petition, do something... how will i ever survive??! j.k pretty sad huh? hahaha
another note: what does it mean to be whipped? im not talking aboutthe physical leather paraphenials, but the emotional ones that people talk about that occurs from relationships. what does it mean to be "whipped".. guys that are whipped basically get de-masculinated (in a sense), because they lose their selfishness and ability to make decisions. they wait on their girlfriends hand-and-foot, give up their time with their friends for you, and make you into their first and utmost priority. i think to most girls that sounds great, right? but for myself.. it annoying. i think every relationship has to have a health balance of all elements otherwise its just a master and a slave situation.
when i think about my relationship, im definately the more giving one, thats basically just the way that i am with people. but does that make me whipped?? if anything, i doubt that my man whipped me into being a good girlfriend, i think i just come that way... pre-whipped. haha okay, i dont give up my friendship and time to my girlies for him, but too me being a good girlfriend is being balanced in your priorities, and gving up something for someone else will always in the end make you resent them for it.
[06.25.02]
out in the wilderness: went upstate to Saratoga this weekend to go fishing. the weather was cloudy and rainy during most of the day, which sucked. it made the river we were fishing in an infested mosquitoes pit, had tons of bug repelent on mybody, but forgot my face and ended up with a big bite on my forehead (which swelled up and made me look like a klingon from startrek) so we left for a lake. caught some fish, but they were kinda small. had to hook the worms on by myself, which was pretty gross, towards the end i was pretty cool about it cuz most of them were dead and had stopped squirming.
being upstate reminded me of how small the asian population is in America, living in the city there are always asians around, i think ive come to take that for grated... but up there in saratoga springs, asians are very scarce. had all the white people staring at us for the most part
Happy Birthday to Etana! "im Etana... yeh yeh... Buffalo Gamma... yeh yeh!" miss you girlie!
[06.26.02]
muddy muddy: lately life seems to be pretty predictable. seems as though i got myself "stuck in a rutt", considering my career isnt going anywhere fast, my social activities have turned into a routine, the different social circles that i spent time with have dwindled as well... the more i think about it, the more i realize that ive "let myself go" in terms of the activities i pursue and do.
RESOLUTION: its time that i get out of this trend and do something different. no more daily boring grind.
[06.28.02]
Hygene: early in the morning.. taking the train into work. how is it that people already smell bad? its the summer season, shouldnt it mean that people would bathe more?
Being Anonymous: so i guess being a member of AA, would make it hard for you to be anonymous, being that you put up pictures of yourself, your significant other and friends and take the time to write your personal thoughts. but i often wonder how many people REALLY read your page... well its freaky when you actually realize who does and doesn`t and what they actually get from your site. it freaks me out somewhat to know that someone you personally do not know might spend extended hours reading everything on your page and from that basis only assume that they know you. they leave you messages as if they are your friends giving you advise and their opinions (not that i mind much when people do). in all honesty how much do you really know anyone? i personally doubt that strangers after reading my page would even really have an inkling of who I might actually really be. i think im a very complex person, with many different facets to my personality.
on another note with being anonymous.. i think that some people on AA can be "fake". with the ability to be anonymous, anyone can pretend to be what they are not, or what they would like to be. basically you can reinvent yourself on AA, which makes it all the harder for you to really think that you know someone.
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