Yay.For.You

Month: march
Day: 28
Year: 2003 10:18 pm.
People come into your life and you know there ment to be there. What was your purpose?
I am starting to see a pattern. I remember you saying something to me before...'Short and sweet'. Why must it be short? why can't we make it 'long and sweet?'. HA! I know...i'm mixing two people up. I thought the first was just a bad fluke but must not of been. Now I see it. I want to change..people do change. In a long enough period...if your around that person long enough it might be so suttle you won't be able to notice it. It's there tho..not til you compair it to your memory of them from a while ago will you notice it.So when this change finaly happends, and hopefully it will be for the better, i'll be glad to have you back.
Your ment to be there. I know it. To make me see every thing i've done wrong..even though you say it's not my fault. Thats just to make me feel better and not blame it on my self.
Don't give up on me.

Month: march
Day: 24
Year: 2003 8:30 pm.
feels like ska
Sometimes I feel like the world should stop for me. When something horrible or an event that happends that will change my life I just want to stop every thing. But..it keeps going. I don't know what stoping every thing would accomplish..thats just how I feel. Yeh, I know every one feels regret but thats just a learning experience.

My mind has been pretty empty lately. I feel like I sometimes don't comprehend things..or that i'm watching my self as I go threw the day instead of actually seeing it. Almost like a story. I think my life would be borring as a book..well...more like confusing. I want to feel like i've grown up alittle..but every now and then I go threw these little episodes where I feel like i'm two. I think Scott likes seeing me like this. He's wierd. He's to perfect. Some one I can picture my self marrying..in 10 years. Nothing will work now.

Month: March
Day: 23
Year: 2003 1:29 p.m
Tonight was fun~ It's been a year since me and scott had our first kiss. We just wanted to spend the day together.
For a girl I suck at this shopping thing. We went to the arcade and Sparky convinced me to play Inital D. I finaly played and it spit out a card to me that some one left before. Oh..kay~ I got clover #3. Geez..Depressing! To predict your own death. Thats kind of sad..well only if your afraid of losing some one. I guess i'd be afraid to lose scott...If I had no one then there would be no fear of dying.
~Pictures~ Robert says i should touch up my pix with photoshop Xp. thats all. I got lazy~ good night.

Month: March
Day: 21
Year: 2003 12:39 a.m
I think i'm pmsing right know..yeah just to let the public know. I'm right on the edge of crying for no reason..well I found a few reasons. Having a reason to cry makes me feel better. Mabye...Any ways...This saturday will be 1 year for me and Scott...one year since he first kissed me. I still havent made up my mind. Every time I mention him finding a new girl, one that will commit her self 100% to him all he does is hug me tight and tell me that he loves me. I know he likes chaotic girls, I talked to the girl he liked before me. Yeah, she's alittle screwy but then she tells me that i'm worse by far. Every thing that i've put him threw makes me feel worse. Trying to push him away doesn't even work. He knows me to well. I'm just wondering when he's going to give up.

Month: march
Day: 9
Year: 2003 9:29 pm.
I'm mad at my self. I ruined every thing! right when everything was going good..I had to say what?!?! yes that. ;-;

Me and scott are fine. I think...?? =\ Been better. Were kind of drifting appart a bit.

gah...I can't consentrate!! I keep thinking about something else!! >< someone..

Month: March
Day: 2
Year: 2003 10:19pm.
I remember I always would talk about how I wanted my memory erased like in helix...exept in Helix it's only the useless memories..and the girl that was having this done, her X-boyfriend was worried that she would forget about him and all the times they spent together. If I got it done I think my X would be happy. But then If I got my memory erased, or if non of anything ever happend that I regreted I wouldn't of gained that experience to never do it again. So thats why I don't regret. It's all a learning experience..although i'm sure I didn't think this when it happend. I'm glad I stuck it threw and made to where I am today.

Scott came over today. We seem to be alot closer lately. Although i've been trying to get him to tell me about his relationship history...it's hard to try and get him to talk about it. Well eventually he did. When I asked what there names were he hesitated. He said that i'm a nut and will probably track these girls down and kill them. Does that really sound like something i'd do? well any ways, we played ff7 and xenosaga while I baked cupcakes. Scott kept eating all the mix. =)
I can honestly say he's the only thing keeping me alive.

My mums hell. We got in a fight last night so I just went over to Scotts house and cryed on his chest. We just layed there for a while in his bed talking. Then he cooked for me, no really, he COOKED. not microwaved..cooked! I was suprised, didn't taste to bad eather. Well eventually I had to call my mum for a ride...so I called a few bar's numbers and finaly tracked her down. She was really happy. I was just like...oh no..she's been drinking! yep, she was. Drinked herself stupidly happy. I didn't want to bug any one else for a ride because it was late, past 12 and I showed up unexpectedly. Oh yeh..not to mention she forgot me for 2 hours after saturday school. Oh well. I'm fine at the moment. blah~

Month: March
Day: 1
Year: 2003 5:57pm.
Scotts so romantic, He bought me a video game. hahaha. I'm easily pleased.

Month: February
Day: 27
Year: 2003 9:59 pm.
~sigh~ I tryed to talk to Kat. That failed horribly. I just can't bring my self to talk to her like I use to.

I think i'm being ignored now more than ever. My mum still seems to think nothings wrong. Nothing Nothing Nothing. I don't know what I can do to make it more aubvious!! She's not the only parent i've ever had, I think I need help now more than ever. This goes beyond all the guy problems, teenage attention, but she still ignores every thing. The school councler and my doctor talked to her about it..but what does she do? nothing. she acts like I never think about these thigns. But then again...how often do I really talk to her? It's wierd. She doesn't really seem like she wants me to have a mind of my own, and I know I seem alot different but when I open my mouth words come out that she never agrees with. So I just sit there quietly. Things always seem to go wrong when I talk..so I just don't.

Me and Scott arn't at our best right know. He said he doesn't know how much more he can take. Thats prolly kuz earlier I was upset about school stuff...mabye just every thing. It wasn't him but he seemed to think so. I didn't mean for it to. I'm suprised he's stuck around for this long, really I am! I don't see how a person can put up with me. I'm such a pain in the ass. I don't know what to say...

Conclusion: I'm ignored, a nut and Scott hates me. Not really...god, i'm so negative right know. Mabye when I sleep and wake up i'll be fine? Mr.Rogers died today. =(.

I noticed that every ones first relationships, they always rush into them. I guess they just don't know how much it hurts because they have never felt that pain before. So they rush in, get hurt and are never the same any more. So just be carefull.

I took a pic of my self! it sucks tho..blah~ I hate how I look. Freshman even think i'm freshman. How sad is that? I think it's because i'm small. 5'3 and 109lbs. I hate my self..and I need sleep. I'll be fine when I wake up...I always do.

Month: February
Day: 24
Year: 2003 9:14 pm.
My eyes hurt ><
mabye I should take out my contacts, I don't remember the last time I had them out...any ways. Alot has gone on these last few weeks. I've finaly started to open my self up to scott more. We've become alot closer and i've been a good girl. Not doing the usual shyt I do like get mad for no reason. I should get a cookie. So were closer now, I behave my self, and every thing is wonderfull between us. Better than it's ever been. I'm happy.

I havent been able to consentrate for long periods of time...i'm sorry. well i'll write when I can.

Month: February
Day: 19
Year: 2003 11:29 pm.
uhh...I forgot why I'm here.

Month: February
Day: 17
Year: 2003 2:39 am.
Time doesn't heal all. It just dilutes it. like adding water. I remember saying this sometime before...The only thing that can heal a broken heart is love. or as the quote goes "love, not time, heals all wounds" Love isn't an emotion you can explain..so how do you know it exists? It's about as real as dragons and elves are. Although..I believe it exists, but now a days it's thrown around to much. A husband can say, "I love my wife" but at the same time say "I love pizza". I'm sure we all do the same thing every day..put our loved ones up to the equivelant of food or something less meaningfull. I'm in love. I'm in love with a memory. I am over him...but not over what happend. I guess thats just the way it works. I don't want to pull my bandaid off to the world and expose it to see if it'll heal.

I wonder about Scott sometimes. I know I expect to much from him..I should never expect any thing so i will never be dissapointed. But I am. Stupid me.
I made him sad today...I could tell. He tried to make me promis him that I would never leave him. What am I supposto say to that? I don't know.

It's about three in the morning...I think i'm getting sleepy...think...

Love is such a strong word..when I think of it I think of giving my life up for that person...
i'm going to go so i don't say any thing stupid.

ick. old.

Month: February
Day: 12
Year: 2003 I've been told that I changed alot. Alot since I moved at least...mabye it's just the person I was talking to or something..I know i'm more open around some people than others. Since I moved here I know I've done somethings, tryed somethings I would of normaly done, or mabye I would have normaly done them if I had the chance? I don't know. I don't know any more.

I don't want to sound like a whiney freshman or any thing but I don't think I know who I am any more. I forgot all my morals and beliefs..I know I had some before. I just can't remember any more. I also don't remember alot about my past relationships. My mind must be forgetting every thing. Mabye this is like that story Helix by Banana Yoshimoto, where the girl goes in to this seminar to have her memory erased, not all of it just all of the useless things. Her X boyfriend had a problem with it...I love that story. Mabye my mind is forgetting all the useless things or the things that hurt me the most. I wouldn't mind that. I know I didn't do any thing THAT much to make me forget all this.
I guess I have changed. Now I need to get to know my self again.

I feel nieve when it comes to Scott...or mabye he's the nieve one. He talks like we'll be together and have kids, what life would be like for us after high school...first of all were not together any more. Yeah, Ok sort of. This still scares me. I feel like I have his life in my hands, I can make him happy or crush him any time I want. I don't like it when guys give me this kind of power. I never feel good enough.

I go threw stages...just wierd ones. One was my germ stage. Yes, I had a problem with touching things as simple as a door knob. Going out in public, I was paranoid. I feel paranoid all the time. Like some ones always watching. I guess it doesn't help that my brother took off my window curtain and now the world can see in my room. It freaks me out. I can't do any thing without feeling like a tv show. watch me watch me!!

Really....This might be it. 1:43am. No sleep. I wouldn't call it insomnia. Just me.