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‹— scribbles 11.23.01 —›
lately i've found myself staring out the window a lot, not knowing what i'd expect to find. every sound or car door i hear, i'm up in an instant. no matter what i do, my mind always ends up in the same place. i go to school, play tennis, go out. i'm always in laughter, having "fun". as soon as i come home to my room, all alone, i find myself drowning in tears. this "happiness" i show is fake. all i truly want is real happiness, to experience unconditional love and be happy being the person i am. i had all of that but it just .. disapeared so suddenly. i wish so badly that i could have things back to the way they were ..








‹— scribbles 11.25.01 —›
i've been thinking a lot about early graduation. a while ago, le told me that i should do it and that i can. i've been thinking a lot about actually following through with this, but I don't know if i should. as of right now, it's like 75% yes. i mean it's not that i want to leave my friends, but inside, my heart, it's telling me that is the right thing for me. i've been looking for a new start in life cause of all the recent tragedies occuring, and i can't help but to think .. is this the chance i've been looking for? i don't know. i mean, i know if i go through, i'll give it my all, my dedication, everything. but also, i know i'll miss my friends, but i also know it'll make me happier. gosh, so many pros and cons .. i'm going to have to decide soon .. very soon ..










‹— scribbles 11.27.01 —›
a lot of you out there may think i'm just going through another one of those "breakups", but to me it's more than that. every night before i go to sleep, i lay there and reminisce, i can't help this, it just happens. i think of all the things that i had with duy and i cry myself to sleep, cause it hurts so much. for the past two months i have been trying so hard to forget about this and move on. the more i try, the harder everything gets, the more pain i feel. when i try to just not deal with it, it hurts even more. i try to keep myself busy with homework or whatnot, but at night, all the pain returns. i try to see pass the past and move on, but even this hurts more, the most. regardless of the path i take, there is pain involved. yall may think this is just another "guy", but to me he is so much more. when we first started going out, i admit, i thought it was just another guy, but in time, the five months we spent together, duy grew to be a part of me, and when he broke up with me, that part of me was ripped away. inside, it's like i'm so empty, like a whole chunk of me is my gone; my heart, the ability to love myself and any one other than friends and family. this shit hurts so much, it's not even cool. all the hurt i've had in my past breakups added up isn't even anywhere need this. i've been put through a lot by some ex boyfriends of mine .. some harsh ish. but this time, it's way harder than all combined, and everyday, the hurt grows stronger and stronger, making everything harder and harder. i just want things back to the past. all i want is you, duy nguyen ..














‹— scribbles 11.29.01 —›
been considering the whole early graduation thing more and more each day. had a talk with my mom about it yesterday, she thinks it's a good idea, told me to talk to my dad and then decide. right now, my percentage has went up to 90% yes i want to leave. i've been discussing it with some of my closest friends, getting their opinions. some have my back, some don't. let me put it this way, the decision is already hard enough, some people make it harder; by implying that i'm being selfish. i don't know what to do. the main thing i know i'm going to miss out on is my senior year. what to do .. what to do? if i graduate early, i got a lot to do, and i mean A LOT. besides this whole early graduation thing, what else is going on through my mind? .. of course, duy ishness. i miss this boy a lot more each day, and it gets harder each day. and as it gets harder, i see more fake happiness coming. i don't know what to do about anything any more, i just wish i could say to him "duy i miss you, i wish you were here with me right now to help me through all this" .. but sometimes you just can't speak the words of your heart. got a lot of hw and all that ish to do .. gotta go watch gladiator in a bit for movie critique. i was supposed to watch it with duy .. but i guess that changed .. ggrr ..













‹— scribbles 12.01.01 —›
seems like everyday gets harder than the previous day. i know that i talk too much about duy and all, but i mean, i can't help it. i mean, we did everything together for the 5 months we were together, went so many places, and now .. it seems that i can't go one place without remembering that me and duy went there. i just wish so badly that i could just wake up and find all this to be a really l o n g nightmare. i just wish all this would go away. what sucks even more now is that we're not even much friends, we don't even talk no more. everything is so hard and unclear without him. seems like i'm lost in a maze and the only way that i can find my way out is by duy .. with duy there by my side. i know that sometimes you can wish stuff and they're just going to always be wishes .. and i fear this is one of those scenarios. why do things have to change when you think they're only going to get better? so much is happening lately, so many breakups. everything is so sad. the thing that might make everything sadder .. is that i think i've finally decided what i'm going to do about early graduation. i've decided that i'm going to go for it. i've wanted a new opportunity at a new chance in a fresh start, and i truly believe this is it .. so i'm chasing after it. i just hope that my friends are there to have my back on this situation. the only harsh things that i can think of by me leaving this is breaking my bonds with my friends. i know that when i leave early, it'll be all good in keeping touch within the first couple months .. but then it'll start decreasing and all .. and then no connection and breaking of the bond. regardless, it happens. the other thing is missing out on my senior year. that's the main thing that's keeping me back, not having a senior year .. it'll be hard, but i guess i just got to accept it .. right? .. i don't know. i know that i may sound selfish or whatnot, but truly, there is only one thing that would change my decision from leaving. to be straightforward, i love my friends to death .. but there would be a more worthwhile reason to stay. who knows if this decision is final? who knows what will happen .. and if things will happen. all i know is that this is my decision for now, we'll just have to wait til the end of my sophomore year to be sure .. to see if things will have changed .. cause i know that if you're by my side, i wouldn't leave .. but the question is .. will you ever be ..


















‹— scribbles 12.03.01 —›
so much is going on right now, trust is an issue at the moment. do i believe my closest friend or do i believe a long lost friend? i have no idea who to trust anymore. a part of me is just so lost. last night, i had a long conversation and found out so many things that hurt me so much, made me feel like shit. it hurts so much to know that one person could just do all this stuff to me. now, one friend is telling me one thing and the other another. everything is just so fucked up right now. even after he said all that stuff about me, my feelings are still the same, nothing changed. i don't know why. even though i was in so much pain at first, it was just like, whatever, take it, you love him, and now, i still love him the same, nonetheless. duy, remember when i told you "nothing will change the way i feel for you"? i mean it with all my heart and how i'm taking everything now is solid proof of that. i don't know why everything has changed so much, i thought we were so happy together .. but i guess sometimes the things you want the most are always the most impossible. i just miss you so much, without you here, things are just so horrid. christmas wish list? i don't have anything on there except for duy and nobody can give me that, so i guess nobody has to get me anything this christmas. lucky yall. early high school graduation: i am so confused as what to do right now. different people are giving me different things, it's so hard to decide everything out. some friends are telling me to follow my heart, but what my heart says ends up hurting my other friends. i know that truly, i want to do this, but friends are so important to me that i don't want to hurt them .. but what may not hurt them might end up hurting me more. if i stay for another year, who knows .. things may change .. things may not, and i guess the question is .. am i willing to take the chance .. or do i want to leave .. i have no idea ..
















‹— scribbles 12.04.01 —›
during bible study today, anh dat's words touched my heart so badly that i almost broke into tears. i held it back, in fear of making a scene. but today, what he said, i could relate to it so badly that i felt as if anh dat and me were having an one-on-one conversation. i swear, it was so awesome. i never really imagined that somebody of his age, and somebody of his position could say something to me that i would actually relate to, not including God. when i first decided to accept christ, i admit that it was just in the meer fact that i wanted a "fresh start" in life. when anh dat called us out at arrival, and rose started talking about the reason why we were deciding to accept christ. what she said, it made me realize that God loves me and he gave us only son to make up for our sins. it wasn't until today that i realized that God truly loves me and that he truly cares for me. you guys, words can't express how glad i am that i accepted christ, he is the light in which i follow everyday, to make it through each day. every day life gets harder, without God and MY angel from above, angelica guanlao, i wouldn't be able to make it through any day. i remember when michelle got into christ, i was so against it, but NOW i realize everything what she truly felt, the feelings of knowing that you have God, is so wonderful. having christ is the most wonderful feeling i've ever experienced. but you see guys, even though i have this feeling, i truly wonder if i will ever find any answers to all the questions i have right now. i admit that being young, you shouldn't take breakups heavily, nor personally. but i truly believe that this guy is the one i've dreamed of all my life. i don't know how i could ever make him see that, but i'm not going to try cause if things are meant to be, friendship or relationship, he'll come back my way. anh dat, i truly want to thank you for giving us that wonderful sermon at TBS cause without that, all the anger i have inside, all the hurt would still be here. but when we ended TBS with our prayer, i felt all the air being knocked out of me and when i got it back, i had this .. cleansed feeling, a feeling that everything is going to be okay. right now, i'm so focused, i feel so loved! but going back to duy, if he ever reads my thoughts, i want him to know that i'm not giving up in what i feel. cause i believe in the feelings i have so strongly, that in my heart, i know .. that you are the one i've been searching for so long. all the neglection i recieve hurts .. but when you truly love somebody .. you just begin to ignore it .. cause in your heart, nothing can change the feelings i have .. nor the way i look at you .. duy nguyen, you'll always be the one i want cause no one could ever replace you .. or the feelings. without you, i'd rather not ever experience those feelings ever again .. god bless .. *God, will you please lead the way through each and every day. God, will you please watch over him and make sure he's safe and warm. God, will you please watch over all my friends and make sure that they are safe. Most importantly, God would you look after my family. in the name of my savior, Jesus, Amen.*






















‹— scribbles 12.05.01 —›
went out today with allen.anil.dan.danny.david, had me some fun. so many kodak moments, wish i had me a camera! right now, i feel so free, honestly. my heart is so much lighter, i wonder why! as of right now, the way i look at relationships and love is that i don't want to have anything to do with them for a long ass time, cause it's too much emotional baggage to carry. and i don't think that i can take anymore of it .. one guy after another .. one thing after another, after a while, it begins to tear you apart. i just want to be carefree and heartbreak free. i'm not saying that i'm going to avoid guys forever, just committment and relationships, until i can fully say that i'm over him. so as of right now, those are my insight on that. next thing, i need a change, a new way of life, so i'm in a way changing back to the "old" me, don't know if it's a good decision, but as of right now, i'm just chilling. life right now is less stressing and i'm so lazy, give me 2 weeks and my grades will drop, just watch! i don't know, just feel so carefree, i wonder why ..











‹— scribbles 12.07.01 —›
went chilling at hk today, had me some clean old fun. back to the lick for lick game, my arm all swollen now, haha. oh wells, i had fun though. chilled with that hot girl lisa! whoo hoo! man .. some major shit gonna go on within the next month or so, and so called at hk tomorrow at hk. what is that shit? oh wells, gonna go check it out and see if any of my boys are involved, if they are, man .. hold up. i got their back all the way, i don't give a fuck if i'm a girl or not, if any of my boys jumping in, fuck it, i'm going in right after them. i don't give a fuck. something else is going to go do within couple weeks or shit, wonder if i can walk out alive .. haha .. i guess i just gonna wait and see what this world has planned for me ..










‹— scribbles 12.10.01 —›
up to today, i thought i was pretty much over duy, thought all the hurt and pain stopped. but today, when i was chilling in le's room, all these memories came rushing back into my head. i couldn't help it. endless tears just started coming out, no matter how much i kept trying to stop it. i always thought that this was just a dream, a nightmare that i would wake up from. but i guess, reality just hit me. duy is gone .. for real this time and he's not coming back. everyone is telling me to move on and to find someone new. maybe that's for the "better" but who's to say what's the best thing for me .. but myself? i truly feel that the only one that i can be happy is being with duy or no one at all. i don't feel right telling my friends that i don't want anyone else but duy, cause they truly don't understand. they just say "you're young, get over it".. and honestly, you guys, i don't need it .. it just adds more to the hurting. everyone is asking me what i want for christmas this year, and i'm telling you guys now, i don't want anything, so yall can save your money. all i want is one more night with duy .. and none of yall can give me that, so .. yah. -sigh- i remember going to back to the last place me and duy were together last week. the park at notre dame, the night that we went to astroworld. after we got back, we went to the park .. me and duy just sat under the tree .. moonlight .. breeze .. quiet .. he was just holding me .. it felt so good to be in his arms. i went back there last week and i sat down on the same exact spot and i could .. actually feel his arms around me. i just miss him .. i miss you duy. i wish i could tell you this and have it mean something, but i guess i don't have the guts. duy nguyen, i still love you as much as the day you left .. nothing's ever going to change that and i mean it .. i love you now, and forever .. all of eternity ..
















‹— scribbles 01.09.02 —›
a fresh new year, a fresh new start, yup². i am no longer sad and worried about life anymore, i'm taking it one day at a time and i can actually say that i'm happy with the way my life is going right now. everything that i felt before the whole break, or from the last time i scribbled has changed. the whole "duy" scenario has been dealt with and is now over. let's just say that i found out a lot of stuff about duy's personality that i came to hate, which led to me understanding that he wasn't the person that i needed in my life, so i got over it and let it go. i guess sometimes the things you want the most are always the hardest things to recieve. and in the end, when you sit there and ask yourself, why did you put yourself through all that .. you can't even much answer the question. the only answer that you could come up with is you wanted to hang with the past. i guess that's the whole reason why i was still tripping over duy for 3 months. a lot has changed since the last time i noted in here. i don't know. i guess what i'm saying is since a new year has started, a lot about me has changed too. i don't know if my changes are for the better or for the worst, but truly and honestly, i love the way my life is right now, as well as myself. so upfront i'm telling my friends now. if you really care about me as a friend, accept me the way i am or .. don't even bother being my friend at all, aight? cause right now, my life, my personality, my perspectives are just that i don't want no more stress or anything, just happiness and laughters. so all the hate, all the stress can kiss my ass goodbye, aight? i know that the way i live my life might not please some .. but i love my life right now. so understand that, and if you can't, then all i can do is chunk the deuce and keep on rolling out. anyways .. i think that this is all the scribbling i can spit out today ..