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Brand New Day
ďFind yourself..
Cause I can't find you..
Be yourself..
Who are you?Ē

"I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong..
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me..
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on..
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me."

"Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it"

ďI used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at allĒ

Sunday Morning ~ May 30th, 2004
Today I am feeling..confused

Music for the day after..
Ignition ~ R. Kelly
Who Knows ~ Avril Lavigne
You Wonít Be Mine ~ Matchbox Twenty
Forgotten ~ Avril Lavigne

ďWho knows what could happen..
Do what you do, just keep on laughing..
One thing's true,
There's always a brand new dayĒ

Good morning!
What a beautiful fucking morning. Itís a gorgeous sunny day, sitting on 73ish degrees at the moment. Simply perfect for a cruise down the coast. I havenít been able to do something like this, purely for pleasure, in a very long time. I borrowed Laurenís car for the day, burnt a few cds and I am soooooooooooooooooooo out of here.
Chat ya later..
( =

"I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you
Screwed it up
You never listened
That's just too bad
Because I'm moving on
I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted
Do you forget it now
You never got It
Do you get it now
Yea yea yea yea yea
Yea yea yea yea yea
Ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah

Gotta get away
There's no point in thinking about yesterday
It's too late now
It won't ever be the same
We're so different now
Yea yea yea yea yea

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted
Do you forget it now
You never got It
Do you get it now
Yea yea yea yea yea
Yea yea yea yea yea
Ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah

I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never Again

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted
Do you forget it now
You never got It
Do you get it now
Yea yea yea yea yea
Yea yea yea yea yea
Ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeahĒ

Sunday Night ~ May 30th, 2004
Tonight I am feeling..cranky

Music to write byÖ
Tourniquet ~ Evanescence
Through With You ~ Maroon 5
Tangled ~ Maroon 5
Somethingís Missing ~ John Mayer
Home Life ~ John Mayer
White Flag ~ Dido
What Happened To Us ~ Hoobastank
Crazy In Love ~ Beyonce
My Last Breath ~ Evanescence
My Stupid Mouth ~ John Mayer
Not Myself ~ John Mayer
If Youíre Gone ~ Matchbox Twenty
Fell In Love With A Boy ~ Joss Stone
To Be With You ~ Hoobastank
Forgotten ~ Avril Lavigne
Unwell ~ Matchbox Twenty
Downfall ~ Matchbox Twenty
Haunted ~ Evanescence
Going Under ~ Evanescence
Leave ~ Matchbox Twenty
Crawling In The Dark ~ Hoobastank
New Deep ~ John Mayer
Changes ~ Kelly and Ozzie Osbourne
Donít Tell Me ~ Avril Lavigne
Could I Be You ~ Matchbox Twenty
Just One ~ Hoobastank
Hello ~ Evanescence
Iím Outta Love ~ Anastacia
Stop ~ Matchbox Twenty
Falliní ~ Alicia Keys
Ready For You ~ Hoobastank
Angry ~ Matchbox Twenty
Bent ~ Matchbox Twenty

ďWe coulda been together..
Think about it..
You ruined it now..
I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it..
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it..
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without meĒ

I can run..
But I canít hide..
Beautiful sunny day. I suppose I was simply seeking solace in the warm of the sun, searching for a sanctuary from this constant, agonizing pain in my chest. Pain caused by emptiness, by loneliness, by self-induced solitude. So what made me think I could find liberation in the ebb and flow of the ocean? Slipping behind the wheel, (whatís good for the gander is good for the goose), rolling down the windows, bumping the tunes, speeding along the coast, ingesting the smell of salt air, marveling at the amazing turquoise color of the water and feeling incredibly all alone.

ďSee, I refuse to believe
That my life's gonna be
Just some string of incompletes
Never to lead me to anything remotely close to home life..
Been holding out for a home life..
My whole life..
I can tell you this much..
I will marry just once
And if it doesn't work out
Give her half of my stuff
It's fine with me
We said eternity
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gaveĒ

Found a semi-deserted area, kicked my shoes off, wanting to soak in the heat of the sand against my bare feet. Sat down near the edge of the water, hoping the roar of the waves would block out the sound of his voice replaying those hateful, cruel words in my head. I hear his laugh, mocking me, reverberating in my ears. It didnít work. Iím having a very difficult time getting my emotions in order. I am completely confused. My head tells me itís time to let go, give up. He is mean to me, cruel, vicious, brutal and fierce. He can hear me sobbing and yet continue to berate me. He has stopped caring. The hatred is so evident in his voice, in his words. He has insulted, humiliated, dishonored and desecrated me. I wanted him to value me, treat me as if I am special, as if I was loved, not like I am ďjust like every other womanĒ. It hurts. It hurts so much. My mind KNOWS that his behavior, as well as mine, is wrong, but my heart, my soul, my body cries out for him. How can I miss him so much after all this? How can he say those awful things to me and simply not care? Who is he?

I miss him. I miss him so much. When will it end? When will I NOT want him to call? When will I NOT want him to be the man I thought/wanted him to be? When will I realize the truth?

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it,
well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will beĒ

I donít know if I can ever forgive him. I donít know if I can forgive him as a person let alone as the man who was supposed to love me forever. I donít know if I can ever forgive myself for staying here when I should have been there, but, now, my head keeps telling me I was right to be wary of him, that I knew there was a demon inside of him who would someday turn on me, and he has. He has proven to be the man I was afraid of, that I want to hide from, BUT, how much of this transformation has to do with me? IF I had shown up there years ago, could I have stopped the hatefulness? Is what he says true, that I could have saved him, or are my suspicions correct that he would have turned into a beast eventually anyway? I have a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse for this lasting so very long without a touch, a hug, a kiss. Three years is a long fucking time to be trying to keep a relationship alive at this distance. I am aware it is my fault, but every thing I was afraid of, he has become. Was I justified or simply the cause? I am sentenced to live whatís left of my so-called life wondering if I turned the man that I love into a raging brute. Sucks.

ďWe could have made it work,
We could have found a way,
We should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone,
The consequence we pay
For throwing it all away,
For throwing it all away...Ē

Monday Morning ~ May 31st, 2004
Today I am feeling..pensive

Music for a sunny day..
Everybodyís Fool ~ Evanescence
My Love Is Like Whoa ~ Mya
Hangnail ~ Nickelback
Cry Me A River ~ Justin Timberlake
Bring On The Rain ~ JoDee Messina
Tangled ~ Maroon 5
Happy Endings ~ All-American Rejects
I Donít Want To Fight Anymore ~ Tina Turner
Your Body Is A Wonderland ~ John Mayer
Blue Day ~ American Hi-Fi
The Middle ~ Jimmy Eat World
What Are We Fighting For ~ Live
Material Girl ~ Madonna
Hand Me Down ~ Matchbox Twenty
My Happy Ending ~ Avril Lavigne
Pieces ~ Hoobastank
Donít Think Iím Not ~ Kandi

Buenos Dias!
It is another delightfully sunny day. Perfect weather. ( =
Itís early and itís already warm. I promised Lauren I would go hang with her today, I already have a headache and would love to do nothing more than crawl into the back room and hibernate in the dark BUT considering how I have been accused of being nothing but a lazy ass loser, Iím going to Laurenís new apartment. I refuse to live down to anyoneís underestimation of the person I am any longer. I am woman, hear me roar, yada yada yada.
I donít think Iíll tell Lauren, no trembling bottom lip, but I rarely have to tell her, itís not as if itís so difficult to figure out. Weíll have lunch and watch movies, talk about her job, her boyfriend, her new apartment, the fact that she is taking the CBEST test in a couple weeks and Iíll be reminded over and over again what a loser I am. Of course, she would never say it directly, but I can see it in her eyes. Oh how far the mighty have fallen, but, after all, I would have been a loser no matter what. Weíll see.
I have decided I am going back to school in the fall, but, with a definite change in my major. I ran into a former acquaintance at 7/11 yesterday who is a pharmacy technician now, studying to be a licensed pharmacist. I could breeze through a tech program in a few months enabling me entry level employment and then return to school to complete my degree. That way I would not be stuck in restaurant labor forever, although for now, itís the simplest solution. When I do return to the university, I will double major in health care and sociology, minor in English. Not too bad for a lazy ass loser, huh?
Iím outtie for now. Ciao.

Monday Night, May 31st, 2004..
Tonight I am feeling headachy..

Music for a quiet night..
Whisper ~ Evanescence
Come Out And Play ~ Offspring
Hey Leonardo ~ Blessed Union Of Souls
One More Sad Song ~ All~American Rejects
Good Bye To You ~ Michelle Branch
Downfall ~ Matchbox Twenty
Here With Me ~ Michelle Branch
Why Worry ~ All~American Rejects
Bed Of Lies ~ Matchbox Twenty
Like I Love You ~ Justin Timberlake
Canít Get You Out Of My Head ~ Kylie Minogue
My Paper Heart ~ All~American Rejects
Jaded ~ Aerosmith
Drive Away ~ All~American Rejects
No Scrubs ~ TLC
Could I Be You ~ Matchbox Twenty
Too Far Gone ~ All~American Rejects
Heaven ~ Live
Cold ~ Matchbox Twenty
My Own Worse Enemy ~ Lit
Slipped Away ~ Avril Lavigne
Damaged ~ TLC
Disease ~ Matchbox Twenty
Stuck ~ Stacy Orrico
Just For ~ Nickelback

DONKEY: Uh-uh. You know you was always me, me, me. Well guess what? Now it's my turn. So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me, and you don't appreciate anything that I do. You're always pushing me around, or pushing me away!
SHREK: Oh yah? Well if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

I finally watched Shrek but only because it was the lesser of the two evils provided. Shred or The Fight Club, I choose Shred. How cute is this movie? I loved it. I laughed my lazy ass off. I canít believe I waited all this time to watch it. Completely adorable movie.

I suppose I had a decent time. Itís even hotter where Lauren lives so we sat on the balcony and chitchatted. We talked about me finally getting a job, she said Anthony would probably still hire me but I donít know why. Heís told me at least 5 times to come by to start training and I never show up, a pattern with my life it seems. Why would this guy hire me now? Heíd have to be a real freak. I know heís doing it as a favor to Lauren but I think Iím much rather get my own job with someone who doesnít know anything about me. A complete fresh start. I want to get my lazy ass out there to apply before the summer job seekers hit the streets but right now I can barely walk let allow wait on tables. My life is such a mess right now, being the loser I am, I have no idea where to start to put it all back together. Baby steps I guess.

I have such a horrible headache tonight. Too much sun, a little alcohol and constant chatter will do that to you. My knee is hurting as well. Iím going to break down and go to the doctor. I should have gone Friday. I am so fucking stupid at times. I donít want to go. I hate the whole idea of that man touching me again. Why am I such a stupid ass? Heís a fucking doctor! People go through that kind of exam all the time, itís no big deal. Grow the fuck up. It truly is time I started viewing life as an adult instead of some fantasy filled child who believed in the wrong things. Reality sucks. Itís crazy how fast my mood can change. One moment Iím okay, calm and composed, the next, I am hurting so fucking bad and full of anger. My chest feels so empty. My fucking eyes fill up with tears. I fucking hate it. How can he talk to me like that? How can he so easily say the things he said? How can he be so unaffected by his own words? How can he not care? How can it not keep him up at night? How can I be so stupid? Why canít I simply stop feeling? Why canít I look at what happened and just get over it? FUCK!! I am so fucking pathetic!! I really hate myself right now.
I hate that I allowed him inside of me.
I hate that I gave him the ability to destroy my dignity.
I hate that I laid there with him.
I hate that her heard me.
I hate that he used my most naked moments to trash me.
I hate that I feel used.
I hate that he threw it back in my face.
I hate that he mocked the things I said to him during those moments.
I hate that I feel humiliated and embarrassed.
I hate that I still hear his hateful words in my head.
I hate that it was so easy for him to say.
I hate that he didnít and doesnít care.
I hate how mean, cruel and brutal he can be to me.
I hate how cavalierly he threw the sex references in my face.
I hate that he told me to be an adult about it.
I hate that I feel like a fool.
I hate that I canít stop thinking about him.
I feel so ashamed. How could someone who professes love for another devastate their dignity in that way? How can oneís conscience not be filled with guilt after an attack like that? Iím going to go take a bath. I canít handle this anymore. I feel so dirty.

Tuesday, June 01st, 2004
Tonight I am feeling frustrated..

Crutch ~ Matchbox Twenty
Better Off Dead ~ New Found Glory
Flavor Of The Weak ~ American Hi-Fi
Just For ~ Nickelback
Too Much Of You ~ Kelly Osbourne
True Blue ~ Madonna
Disconnected ~ Kelly Osbourne
Not Myself ~ John Mayer
The Young And The Hopeless ~ Good Charlotte
One Day In Your Life ~ Anastascia
Case Of The Fake People ~ TLC
Come Dig Me Out ~ Kelly Osbourne
Everybodyís Fool ~ Evanescence
Standing Still ~ Jewel
No Scrubs ~ TLC
You Donít Seem To Miss Me ~ George Jones & Patty Loveless
Up And Gone ~ Hoobastank
Unwell ~ Hoobastank
You Donít Even Know Who I Am ~ Patty Loveless
Black And Blue ~ New Found Glory
Freak Out ~ Avril Lavigne

How long has it been since you REALLY read these lyrics?

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with.Ē

You fucking amaze me. You think you can pop in whenever you want, toss a few cute remarks out and all is forgiven? Nope. I really hope you had a wonderful 3 day weekend. I hope you enjoyed your time off. Obviously, you had better things to do than spend any ďqualityĒ time with me. Seems to be a habit youíve developed lately toward the weekends. Also, itís very nice that you could hardly keep yourself awake when we spend the evenings together but now you can stay up all night playing your game. Makes me wonder, who is the cause of your insomnia now?


Anyway, I had quite a busy, perhaps productive, definitely frustrating, day. I finally bit the bullet and called Cal Lu. I had to get Lauren to drive me all the way there so I could fill out my application then placed on a waiting list. Seems all the undergrad spots are spoken for at the moment, maybe, just maybe, enough people will drop out so I can get in. Fate fucks me in the ass again. This is the first time in the history of Cal Lu that they are full with students waiting to get in. FUCK!! Not to be discouraged, I contacted 2 other colleges. Both seemed thrilled with the prospect of me attending their school. ( = Not too bad for a lazy ass loser, huh? Only problem is, one is in Reseda, an hour and a halfish trek, to and from, and the other is up north. Either one I decide on means a move. Itís time, but I donít have enough cash to afford a place. Bleeck!! Means I need to get my ass in gear and get a job this summer. Oh well..

Iím off to take a bath. Ciao.