In Which Lark's at War for the Forseeable Future and She's Never Been So Scared
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: watched Frasier again, reading some Oscar Wilde
The title of this one makes me really happy. It's the title of McSweeney's issue number 12 only it's 'Timothy McSweeney' instead of 'Lark.' I've never even read it, and it's probably that kind of writing that seems good, but kind of gives me a head ache, and is a little pretentious. That's my guess from excerpts, anyway. But interesting and attractive somehow. Anyway.

I did a very brave thing today. I crossed the street (it took a long time; I kept dropping my folded paper because I don't have pockets so I had it tucked into the flap of my faux-pocket, and I kept having to go back and get it, and campus is wide to cross) and asked whether the golf courses needed help. It was a HUGE relief as I approached the place when I saw the marquee that said "Help Wanted." It was SUCH a relief.

They didn't have me fill anything out, though. The chick who was there had just been hired herself, so I left my name and phone number. But this is hope, just knowing that they were hiring when I went is some how a huge comfort to me that God's still taking care of me, even if I don't get a job (although it would be lovely, it being just across the street and all).

I've come to a sad conclusion about my lack-of-job-ness. I think it is in part because of my unwillingness to give of my time and effort and work. It's been years since I was involved in a church and never since I regularly volunteered anywhere or showed up on a frequent basis to help anybody. It's just not something I've done.

I tried to early in high school, but I was REALLY scared of people then and the furthest I got was leaving a message on some organization's answering machine in which I was very nervous and forgot to leave a number. And it's still scary to me, for reasons some better than others. One, I'm still scared of people, although much, much less. Two, I'm lazy, I might as well say it. Three, I'm worried there will be nothing I CAN do that's really useful. I'm not even that good at cleaning things. And, you know, part of that's a pride issue, wanting do something apparently useful, you know, important.

So, should I manage to muster the courage, that's going to be changing soon. The Humane Society is right down the street about two blocks and I'm going to try to get myself to go down in the next few days and fill out a volunteer application so I can go in and help clean the cages. We'll see if this happens. It's ridiculous how nervous the thought of this makes me.

There's this line in my head at which point the prospect of doing something makes me way too nervous for it to be considered a possibility. Actually going in to the Humane Society is one of those things. But so was the golf course thing. So we'll see how much courage I can muster tomorrow.

That and since I'm going to be around this summer and the church always has a nasty time finding people willing to clean the church building while they're deprived of student labor, I'm planning on volunteering to do that the weeks where I'm not going on yet-unplanned trips. Some poor devout soul who's already doing tons of stuff for the church always ends up stuck with it alone, so we'll see if I can fix that.

It occurred to me the other day as I was lying half asleep on the floor that one of the big problems with me is that I consider disobedience an option. And sometimes not even an option, sometimes just the inevitable. It's not okay. {sigh}

And because I feel like it, here are some movie lists.

Movies that have made me sob in the last few years:

1. Big Fish
2. Finding Neverland
3. V for Vendetta

And these are the only five really necessary movies:

1. Lord of the Rings
2. Legend of 1900
3. The Maltese Falcon
4. Rocketman
5. the Crocodile Dundee movies

Therein lie the highest fruits of human achievement. Once you've seen Paul Hogan put a knife through the head of an anamatronic snake there's really nothing else you need to see there.

Alright, enough for now. Have a lovely day.