NINE COMEDY SKETCH IDEAS:"Frozen Open""Bullish""Down The Hatch""Robot Ad Agency""Throw Aways""Nuttin' Matters No More""The Museum of Excellent Coffee""I Know That Voice"and"In Orders We Trust"

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NINE COMEDY SKETCH IDEAS:
"Frozen Open"
"Bullish"
"Down The Hatch"
"Robot Ad Agency"
"Throw Aways"
"Nuttin' Matters No More"
"The Museum of Excellent Coffee"
"I Know That Voice"
and
"In Orders We Trust"

“FROZEN OPEN”

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

[LORNE MICHAELS backstage at the Saturday Night Live set. DWAYNE, an assistant with pad and paper, approaches.]

DWAYNE:

Hey Lorne, got your sandwich.

LORNE MICHAELS:

What sandwich?

DWAYNE:

Didn’t you ask for a submarine?

LORNE MICHAELS:

Not a submarine sandwich, a submarine. I wanted a submarine backdrop! Were you listening to me?

DWAYNE:

Sorry, I heard you say submarine, I just thought…

LORNE MICHAELS:

Submarine backdrop, a great big submarine backdrop. Show starts in five minutes, and…. I’ll need it in 45 minutes.

DWAYNE:

How can I…. in 45 minutes?

LORNE MICHAELS:

Then get going! Get some help!

DWAYNE:

Any particular color?

LORNE MICHAELS:

No! Just a submarine! No wait. Oh yeah, yellow, it has to be yellow.

DWAYNE:

I’m on it!

[LORNE MICHAELS looks at his watch, then makes a cell phone call. The screen splits between LORNE MICHAELS and PAUL MCCARTNEY, who is in a room with a speakerphone.]

LORNE MICHAELS:

Hello Paul?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

Oh Lorne, hi.

LORNE MICHAELS:

What’s, uh, what’s going on? The show’s about to start, you guys were gonna open. Everything’s ready.

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

Lorne, about that. There seems to be a little bit of a problem.

LORNE MICHAELS:

A problem? The cryogenics you mean?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

No Lorne, it’s not that.

JOHN LENNON (off-camera):

Cryogenics aren’t the problem Lorne, the problem is Paul wants to do “Golden Slumbers” and I wanna do “I’ll Cry Instead”.

LORNE MICHAELS:

Well, you guys sort all that out and get over here already, the show’s about to start, you guys were gonna open the show. [ELLEN, an assistant with pen and pad, comes up to LORNE MICHAELS.] Wait a minute. Yeah?

ELLEN:

I got your message about the strawberries. So now you don’t want costumes for different fruit, you just want the costumes to be strawberries?

LORNE MICHAELS:

That’s right, just strawberries.

ELLEN:

No pears? No apples? No….

LORNE MICHAELS:

Just strawberries! A whole field of straw- I mean, a whole lot of strawberries! You did not hear me say “a field of strawberries”, okay? I just want a lot of strawberries.

GEORGE HARRISON:

Oh I see what Lorne’s doing.

JOHN LENNON:

What, a “Caine Mutiny” sketch then?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

Look Lorne, no need to sweat, we’re on our way.

LORNE MICHAELS:

Uh, okay then.

[LORNE MICHAELS hangs up, the screen is no longer split.]

RINGO STARR:

So how was it, being cryogenically frozen?

GEORGE HARRISON:

Cold. I wish I’d brought a sweater.

RINGO STARR (writing):

Bring…. a…. sweater.

GEORGE HARRISON:

Yeah, and I kept seeing this snowman.

RINGO STARR:

A snowman, really? Like some sort of vision you mean?

GEORGE HARRISON:

I don’t know, it had this carrot for a nose, I think its eyes were coal.

RINGO STARR (writing):

Carrot…. for.... a…. nose.

JOHN LENNON:

So Paul, don’t think we’re not thankful that you had me and George cryogenically frozen, right before we died. Okay, but I’m not doing “Golden Slumbers”. I made a promise to myself in…. 1974, I would never perform “Golden Slumbers” ever again.

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

Okay, well, but, wow, see, ‘cause I made a promise to myself in, uh, 1968, I would never perform “I’ll Cry Instead” ever again.

JOHN LENNON:

Alright, well, let’s see then….

GEORGE HARRISON:

Paul, could you explain again why you unfroze me and John so that The Beatles could perform on Saturday Night Live?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

The time has come, that’s all. The world needs us, the world needs The Beatles, now, more than it ever did before.

JOHN LENNON:

I seem to recall you saying something like that when you unfroze me back in 1986. You said, oh yeah, the Martians were attacking, right, so therefore the world needed The Beatles more than ever before?

RINGO STARR:

That’s right, I remember that.

GEORGE HARRISON:

Something you ate, wasn’t it?

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

I was watching this movie, “War of the Worlds”, and it…. okay, I made a mistake that time.

GEORGE HARRISON:

This cryogenics stuff works great though, I don’t feel any pain.

JOHN LENNON:

Wait a little bit.

PAUL MCCARTNEY:

Look, we have to decide on some songs. And I have to call Lorne and tell him we’re gonna be late, that we’re not gonna make it in time for the opening.

JOHN LENNON:

Leave that to me, just dial the phone. Yoko’s already in the studio, right?

PAUL MCCARTNEY (dialing):

Yeah. Okay, here. [hands JOHN the cell phone]

JOHN LENNON:

Hello Lorne? Yeah hi, it’s John. Look, we’re gonna be a little late. Yeah. Well, uh, from uh, from what we can tell, Paul’s grandfather said something to Ringo, and now we don’t know where he went, where Ringo went. Yeah. But don’t worry, he couldn’t have gone far. (PAUL MCCARTNEY, RINGO STARR and GEORGE HARRISON break out laughing).

LORNE MICHAELS:

Okay, well I guess, just get here as soon as you can. [LORNE hangs up the cell phone]

SIMON COWELL:

(standing next to LORNE MICHAELS) Lorne! What’s up?

LORNE MICHAELS:

Hi Simon.

SIMON COWELL:

So is this true, you actually booked The Beatles? How the hell did you manage that? George Harrison and John Lennon are dead!

LORNE MICHAELS:

Cryogenics. But how’d you hear about it?

SIMON COWELL:

Someone was asking me if I knew where they could find a “field” of strawberry costumes. Figured it out. So are The Beatles doing the opening?

LORNE MICHAELS:

Well, they were, but there seems to be some sort of problem. Something about Paul’s grandfather and Ringo. They were all giggling in the background, so I don’t know. Anyway, they’ll be here, just not for the opening.

SIMON COWELL:

You know, Reuben Stoddard would sound great singing with them. I can have him here in, oh, 20 minutes maybe, in time for their second song.

LORNE MICHAELS:

Gee, I don’t know, Simon.

SIMON COWELL:

Let me call him?

LORNE MICHAELS:

Just let me ask them first. I don’t want them to think I’m just…. You know, I really just wish I could find someone to open, I’ve only got, what, 30 seconds to find someone now, I guess. I thought I was gonna have The Beatles opening the show, but….

SIMON COWELL:

Most people don’t know this, Lorne, but I happen to do this great version of “Strangers In The Night”.

LORNE MICHAELS:

You?

SIMON COWELL:

Yeah. I mean, that is, if The Beatles aren’t gonna make it in time.

LORNE MICHAELS:

I guess I don’t have a choice. So, yeah, go out there, Simon! Make me proud!

[SIMON COWELL runs out onstage as someone throws him a microphone.]

SIMON COWELL (calling to the band):

“Strangers In The Night”!

[BAND begins playing “Strangers In The Night”]

SIMON COWELL (singing):

Strangers in the night, what were the chances, uh, exchanging glances, strangers in the….

[YOKO ONO walks up to SIMON COWELL, who stops singing. YOKO ONO holds out her hand, and SIMON COWELL hands YOKO ONO the microphone.]

YOKO ONO:

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

THE END

------------

"BULLISH"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

[Two businessmen, STEVE and WAYNE, are sitting on a log in the woods, computer notebooks on their laps.]

STEVE

Gee, this sure is great of Wallace and Shawn Investments to take all of the employees from our branch office to a corporate retreat in the woods.

WAYNE

Wallace and Shawn is always doing great things. They’re the best company I’ve ever worked for. Now where were we?

STEVE

Oh yes, so you were saying that Company B would be a good, solid investment?

WAYNE

That’s according to some of my preliminary calculations. But I want to know what you think, so that together we can find the best investment for our clients.

STEVE

Good idea. Oh-oh, here come some bears.

[TWO BEARS attack STEVE and WAYNE. There is a struggle and a video effect transition. Now we are looking at the TWO BEARS sitting on the log.]

WAYNE

I can’t believe it. I’ve been swallowed by a bear and I’m still alive!

STEVE

Me too! Boy, are we lucky!

WAYNE

Is that you, Steve?

STEVE

That’s right, Wayne. Now - if we could just get rescued.

STEVE

Yeah, if someone would just come along and slice these bears open and let us out.

WAYNE

That sure would be great. Boy, it sure is stuffy in here.

STEVE

Of course, by the time we’re rescued we might have a whole pile of work to catch up on. Even though we’re at a corporate retreat, the work just never seems to stop coming in.

WAYNE

I’ll say. Everybody brings their business to Wallace and Shawn. Say, wait a minute, I can still work my computer from in here. How about you?

STEVE

So can I! This is great! Now, what was it you were saying before we were eaten by these two bears? Something about Company B being a good investment?

WAYNE

Well, according to my calculations it would be.

STEVE

Let me see something. [We hear the sound of fingers rapidly and loudly typing on a keypad]. I think I’ll just look at a three-year chart with a 40-degree inverted curve to the median average, and….

WAYNE

Steve, you always seem to come up with great new ways of finding great new perspectives!

STEVE

Wallace and Shawn encourages me to find great new perspectives.

[There is another video effect transition. Now we are looking at STEVE and WAYNE sitting on the log again instead of the TWO BEARS. Bear parts are scattered about, and there are scratches on STEVE’s and WAYNE’s faces. A forest ranger, RANGER DAN, is standing next to them.]

STEVE

Thanks for slicing open those bears and getting us out, Ranger Dan.

WAYNE

Yeah!

RANGER DAN

Don’t mention it, fellows. Just keep coming up with great Wallace and Shawn stock tips!

STEVE

Now remember what I told you, only buy Company B if it goes below 30.0372 dollars per share.

RANGER DAN

And sell as soon as it reaches 32.78321. You bet!

[RANGER DAN exits, all waving goodbye. WAYNE looks into the camera.]

WAYNE

Bet? Did he say bet? It’s not a bet with Wallace and Shawn. Nothing stops the people at Wallace and Shawn from working their hardest to come up with great stock buys you can be sure of.

STEVE

And you can bet – ha-ha, I mean – you can be sure, at Wallace and Shawn, our dogs never eat OUR homework!

WAYNE

No! And we’re not bears either!

STEVE

And we’re not bears.

VOICE-OVER

Wallace and Shawn. The inside track on safe investments.

THE END

------------

"DOWN THE HATCH"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

PENNY FOYER, a lab scientist in her lab coat and laboratory, is perpetually mixing things, putting beakers on burners, etc. in an extremely harried, brisk manner.

PENNY:

(talking into a cell phone) Well, that really sounds awful, Cindy, but I really do have to go. I, no really, I have something I’m doing that is super import-, will you please listen? I have to go, no, I have to, goodbye, I’ll talk to you later. (PENNY hangs up her cell phone.) Now was the blue stuff supposed to turn red after three minutes at 200 degrees, or no, four minutes. Or…

(In walks STEVEN WILSON, wearing glasses and a lab coat.)

STEVEN:

Well, look who’s still busy as a bee.

PENNY:

Oh Steven, if you knew what happened.

STEVEN:

Now Penny, you tell Steven all about it.

PENNY:

I was trying to mix just a little of that, you know that perfume, for myself, “Tigress VI” or something….

STEVEN:

Tigress X, you mean. They’ve been improving that one practically on a monthly basis.

PENNY:

Tigress X, whatever. So then the phone rings, and it’s Marvin, and you know, he starts telling me about his date with Mary, and I start yelling at him because , anyway, so I mixed Tigress VI all wrong, and….

STEVEN

Tigress X.

PENNY:

Well, it’s not Tigress VI or Tigress X, and I, see, I put some on before I even knew I had mixed it wrong. So look.

(PENNY rolls up her sleeve and shows STEVEN an eyeball in her elbow.)

STEVEN:

Wow, that’s pretty good, an eyeball in your elbow. I’d like to try some of that.

PENNY:

It’s not funny, that’s just one of the things it did. Every few minutes it’s something else. I shouldn’t even be stopping to explain this to you, I’ve been trying to find a way to reverse it, but so far….

STEVEN:

Show me some of the other stuff it did.

PENNY:

No Steven, Steve, I really can’t stop what I’m doing, I….

STEVEN:

Oh PLEASE, Penny?

PENNY:

Oh, alright! Fine! Look! (PENNY, her back to the audience, opens up her blouse to STEVEN.)

STEVEN:

Oh my God! I’m glad I didn’t eat yet! Ughh! (PENNY closes up her blouse and resumes running around the lab mixing things and such.) In fact, that’s why I came by. I thought if you were still here you might want to go grab a bite with me.

PENNY:

Oh Steven, I would love to, but I can’t. I really have to find a way to, to come up with an antidote. Or at least a way to reverse SOME of these things.

STEVEN:

Like what else?

PENNY:

No Steven, I’m sorry, that’s it, I haven’t time. (Cell phone rings.) Oh God, there’s my cell phone again. Yes, hello? Well, I’m sorry if I sound that way, but I’m really busy right now. In fact Gregor, this isn’t a very good time….

STEVEN:

Would you look at that!

PENNY:

Hold on a minute. Look at what? What happened?

STEVEN:

Your neck! A sharp little, uh, reddish thing is sticking out.

(PENNY picks up a mirror.) Oh, that looks terrible! Okay, Gregor, sorry, I really have to go. No, I, you’re kidding me, she did? And she told me, well, anyway, no, I really do have to go. I’ll call you later. I’ll explain it to you later. Gregor! No, stop. I’ll call you later. (PENNY hangs up the cell phone, and looks at herself more closely in the mirror.) Boy, that thing’s really something.

STEVEN:

I’ll say. You really did a number on yourself this time.

PENNY:

Stupid perfume.

STEVEN:

Say! What is - I mean, who is that? Va-va-va-voom!

PENNY:

What are you talking about?

(PENNY has grown another head.)

STEVEN:

Hey baby, what’s your name?

PENNY II:

Penny II. What’s yours?

PENNY:

What’s going on here? Oh no, I’ve grown another head!

STEVEN:

Not too bad looking either.

PENNY:

Steven! I’ve grown another head!

STEVEN:

Yeah, I can see why, uh, that would upset you. But she’s really hot, Penny! Don’t you think?

PENNY:

Maybe if I mix some of this triochlorate with this Ecstasithian-30 and heat it to 450 degrees.

PENNY II:

You’re handsome.

PENNY:

And then cool it to 300 degrees for two minutes….

PENNY II:

What about 350 degrees? (PENNY looks hard at PENNY II. PENNY II suddenly smiles.) Ha-ha-ha! She believed me! As if I know anything about this stuff!

STEVEN:

She really had you going! (STEVEN leans out of the lab and shouts down the hall.) Hey, Alice, you really oughta see what’s going on in here!

PENNY:

Okay Steven, you win. I’m not going to get anything done with everybody interrupting me. Where did you say you wanted to eat?

STEVEN:

Look at your foot, it shrunk down to the size of a, a walnut!

PENNY:

It what? (Looking)

STEVEN:

Just kidding!

PENNY II:

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, Steve!

PENNY:

Now you two cut that out. (As all three exit) I was thinking of the coffee shop….

STEVEN:

Fine with me.

PENNY II:

I’ve never been there before, but if you two like it….

THE END

------------

"ROBOT AD AGENCY"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

[A group of robots are sitting around a table in a boardroom, all dressed in business attire. On the wall is the company name, “R843w5 Advertising Agency”, underneath which is written the phrase, “Our Robots Know People Best”. When the robots talk it is always with that typical robot intonation, like when a computer talks.]

ANNOUNCER

(Off-camera voice) And now for another visit to “Robot Ad Agency”. This week’s episode, “The A-9 Airlines Account”.

ZORP

Well, my fellow robots, who’s come up with a great idea for the A-9 Airlines account? And remember, I said a great idea, not a good idea, ha-ha-ha.

KLUG

I have a great idea for you. You will love this.

ZORP

Oh yeah.

KLUG

And I did not even have to originate this idea myself. I stole it from someone I overheard talking on the subway.

ZORP

You, you stole it? Was it, was it from a person or a robot?

KLUG

A robot.

ZORP

Excellent, sir.

KLUG

Thank you kindly.

ZORP

As always. So now let us hear this great idea of yours.

KLUG

I will tell you. Picture a happy robot with a ticket to fly on A-9 Airlines. Happy, that is, until he tries to go through the metal detector….

ZORP

Robots are not permitted to fly. You know this.

KLUG

Wait, this is very funny.

ZORP

Okay, continue.

KLUG

So when he gets to the metal detector, he sets it off.

ZORP

I see. That is funny.

KLUG

Wait. So he empties his pockets….

VINK

That would not help.

KLUG

Right. So he tries everything. But he keeps setting off the metal detector.

TRAB

Because he is made out of metal.

KLUG

Exactly. So finally he takes off his own hand. He takes off his own foot. The metal detector still will not stop going off. So he takes off his -

BUEG

(sexy female robot voice) Ooh, this is disgusting.

VINK

I too hate it when robots remove their own body parts. Would you like to go to lunch with me later?

KLUG

You are both wrong. It is very funny.

VINK

No, it is you who are wrong.

KLUG

It is my belief that robots might be offended, but that people will not be.

ZORP

Okay. So, let us hear another idea.

VINK

I have an idea, and I did not steal it from anyone.

KLUG

Oh, I am so proud of you.

VINK

You can be quiet now, as I am speaking. My idea is that we give away free “AA” batteries to recovering alcoholics who fly A-9 Airlines.

KLUG

I find that stupid.

VINK

You are being offensive, I would like to finish.

ZORP

Continue.

VINK

This would be a joint promotion between A-9 Airlines and Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you see? Alcoholics Anonymous, AA. A-9 Airlines, AA. AA batteries. Do you see? Do you see?

KLUG

AA batteries, AA batteries. Your mother runs on AA batteries.

VINK

You wish to offend me, however, you are not correct, my mother does not run on AA batteries. And furthermore, you are wrong if you believe that there is something fundamentally displeasing about AA batteries.

ZORP

Could you two please stop this? I feel like I am watching a malfunction.

BUEG

(sexy female robot voice) I too have an idea that I would like to provide you with.

ZORP

Please.

BUEG

(sexy female robot voice) Well, we all know that airplanes like having people inside of them. Mm. Mmmm, Mmmmm….

ZORP

Yes?

BUEG

(sexy female robot voice) Excuse me. Okay, but now, what we want is for people to like being inside of airplanes. This is the reason why we want to show an A-9 airplane taxiing into a hangar, and then show the same footage in reverse, faster, and then forward, faster, faster! Then, in reverse again, then forward, reverse, faster, faster, faster! Thus, it will suggest the human sex act, and people will wish to fly A-9 Airlines.

[All of the robots murmur their approval, stand up, and exit the boardroom.]

ANNOUNCER

(Off-camera voice) And that concludes this week’s edition of “Robot Ad Agency”. Please join us next week, when the Robot Ad Agency has to come up with an idea for the B-3 Airlines advertising account. Good night.

THE END

------------

"THROW AWAYS"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

ZORP and KLUG, two cavemen, are standing on line with empty (animal skin?) sacks, chatting. A banner at the head of the line reads, “WEEKLY ROCK RATIONS”.

ZORP

What are you gonna do with your rocks this week, Klug?

KLUG

Oh. Well, I’m planning to throw some at Ermp….

ZORP

Mm hmm.

KLUG

….throw a few at Kladge….

ZORP

Oh yeah.

KLUG

….not sure what I’ll do with the rest.

ZORP

Those are all excellent choices, sir.

KLUG

Thank you kindly.

ZORP

As always.

KLUG

So what about you?

ZORP

Me? I think I’m gonna take my rocks to that thing by the lake again.

KLUG

You mean that thing Bodge has every week? Where everybody throws all their rocks into the lake?

ZORP

Yeah, I’ve done that a few times. It’s actually a lot of fun.

KLUG

You know, I was gonna do that, I was all set to do that, uh, last week. But then, you know me, I wound up throwing all my rocks at Bueg.

ZORP

Ha-ha-ha, Bueg. Well, that’s a good thing to do with your rocks, too.

KLUG

Actually I had one left over. But I figured one rock wasn’t enough to bring to the lake.

ZORP

No, that would have been okay.

KLUG

Just one rock?

ZORP

Oh sure, they don’t care.

KLUG

Who did I finally wind up throwing that very last rock at…. Hey, remember that really great rock I got a while ago? That one I was saving?

ZORP

Sort of an orangey, uh….

KLUG

Right, well somebody stole it!

ZORP

You’re kidding!

KLUG

Yeah, but then, okay, now get this: Last week me and Vink are throwing rocks at each other, and he hits me right in the leg with that same rock!

ZORP

The exact same rock?

KLUG

Look. [shows KLUG his leg] Left a mark right here.

ZORP

So it was Vink who stole the rock.

KLUG

Well, that’s the funny part. I asked Vink about it, and he said, no, he got that rock when Lert threw it at him.

ZORP

So Lert….

KLUG

Wait. So then I asked Lert, and he told me he got the rock from somebody throwing it at him.

ZORP

Who?

KLUG

He couldn’t remember.

ZORP

Wow. How do you like that.

KLUG

Yeah. Anyway, the important thing is, I got the rock back.

ZORP

Excellent. Hey, it looks like I’m up. So - maybe I’ll see you at Bodge’s thing down at the lake?

KLUG

Maybe, if I have any rocks left. You’re sure it’s okay to come with just one rock?

ZORP

Even one rock. [ZORP advances to the place where they fill up the bags with rocks.] Hey, Trab. Oh careful, not too many sharp ones.

TRAB

Don’t like the sharp rocks?

ZORP

No, not too much.

THE END

------------

"NUTTIN' MATTERS NO MORE"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

In what would look like the far distant future, if you lived during the 1930s, Wilson Padgett’s a New York City newspaper reporter, and a darn good one too. But it’s the future, and the news doesn’t just cover what’s going on in the world, it’s covers what’s going on in the galaxy. So every time Wilson gets the scoop on a great story, and foils a bank heist and such as part of the whole thing, there’s always a bigger story that steals the headlines – a whole planet that’s been blown up by someone somewhere, usually. Wilson is frustrated, but the editor doesn’t care, because a bank heist is small news these days. Everyone is being given a steady dose of stories about gruesome things happening somewhere in the galaxy. It’s unrelenting, and the people are wearied by it, but it’s what’s happening. It seems like we’ll never return to the days when the local, city crimes are big news, not with all the competition from all the bad stuff happening throughout the galaxy.

But Wilson Padgett won’t give up. “I’m not giving up, baby!” he says to his girl, Gloria. Wilson starts his own newspaper. Everybody says it won’t fly, city news is old news. But Wilson knows what the people really need. Faces brighten everywhere to see headlines like, “Guard Killed In Bank Holdup!”, “Joe Pillazi Caught In Hide-Out In The Rockies!”, “Mayor Announces Crackdown On Crime!”, “Three Shot By Murphy Mob!” The spirit returns to the city, and Wilson kisses Gloria. Meanwhile, however, a spaceship quietly hovers above the Earth, the same one responsible for wiping out all of those planets….

THE END

------------

"THE MUSEUM OF EXCELLENT COFFEE"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

It is nighttime in The Museum of Excellent Coffee, after hours. We see two security guards standing, talking amidst glass display cases.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Things seem pretty quiet.

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

Oh well, things seem pretty quiet. This is just your first day at The Museum of Excellent Coffee.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

I suppose.

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

You sound a little skeptical.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Well, it’s, it’s a coffee museum. Cups of coffee in glass display cases. What can happen?

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

What can happen? Did you say what can happen?

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Well, I mean, we’re just guarding cups of coffee…

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

Excellent coffee! The best cups of coffee ever made!

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Okay, excellent coffee. But…

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

Listen, let me tell you a little story. A story about something that happened five years ago, in fact, it was five years ago to this very day. I had only been working here at The Museum of Excellent Coffee for about three months, when it was broken into by, well, he most have been one of the world’s most devious criminals... [flashback effect]

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

A break-in?

It is nighttime in The Museum of Excellent Coffee, after hours. A CRIMINAL dressed in black and wearing a black ski mask, using sophisticated tools, stealthily opens up the glass display cases containing cups of coffee. Placards describe each cup and why it is excellent. The CRIMINAL empties each cup of coffee into the same thermos one by one, replacing the empty cups with coffee from another thermos, then returning them to their places in the display cases.

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

(voice-over as we see the CRIMINAL)

Oh, this was no ordinary break-in. It was this criminal's evil intention to replace all of the coffee in the museum with ordinary coffee. It was his plan that only he would know that all the coffee in The Museum of Excellent Coffee would be, would be…(he can’t say it)

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Ordinary coffee? (MUSEUM GUARD #2 nods) Didn’t you see him? Didn’t it set off the alarms?

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

He shut off all the alarms while I was on my cofffee break. The important thing is, we found out about it.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

But how?

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

He thought he’d committed the perfect crime. But he made one mistake.

CRIMINAL spills a little coffee while pouring it into one of the cups.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

(voice-over as we see the CRIMINAL)

How did he slip up?

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

Let’s just say he wasn’t as good at pouring as he thought. Next day, janitor noticed something, forensics came in, figured it all out, tracked him down. We got ahold of his thermos, (voice-over as we see lab technicians working in laboratory) brought it down to the lab. Wasn’t easy, took several weeks, but they were finally able to separate all the coffee back into all the separate cups in which it all belonged.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Amazing! So did they close down the museum while they were working on it in the lab?

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

Well, most people can’t actually tell the difference between good coffee and great coffee anyway. No, the museum acted like nothing had happened. And then everything was put back the way it’s supposed to be, no one the wiser.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

Wow!

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

(looking at his watch) How do you like that, looks like it’s time for our coffee break.

MUSEUM GUARD #1:

That’s, that’s alright. You go on without me.

MUSEUM GUARD #2:

I know what you mean.

The two nod to each other solemnly. MUSEUM GUARD #2 exits as MUSEUM GUARD #1 alertly keeps an eye on things. Close-up of a cup of coffee with placard in a display case. Fade out.

THE END

------------

"I KNOW THAT VOICE"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

STEVE WELLS

Good evening, I’m Steve Wells, and welcome to another exciting edition of “Controversial Books”. Tonight we’ll be discussing, “I Know That Voice”, the new bestselling coffee table book featuring photographs of the people who did the voices of your favorite TV cartoon characters. Seated to my left we have Roger Pat Smith, the book’s author, seated to my right is Vlad Stefanpoitchen, the voice of the famous Quick Draw McGraw’s famous sidekick, Babbalouie, and then seated to his right is Marjorie Harrison, school librarian at Madison Elementary School in Des Moines, Iowa. Let me begin tonight with you, Marjorie. Why are you holding your hand to the side of your face as if to block your peripheral view of Vlad?

MARJORIE HARRISON

That’s exactly it, Steve. I do not wish to see Babbalou- I mean, uh, Vlad.

VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN

She don’t wanna see me, Steve.

STEVE WELLS

And just why is that, Marjorie?

MARJORIE HARRISON

This book, this is a terrible book.

STEVE WELLS

You don’t like the book.

MARJORIE HARRISON

It shows the people who do the cartoon character voices. We are not meant to see these people’s faces. It, it ruins the cartoon characters.

VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN

I get this from people all the time, Steve. One guy, this neighbor of mine, he tells me, like, if I should ever tell his kid I’m the voice of Babbalouie, he’s gonna shoot me.

STEVE WELLS

Ha-ha-ha! Shoot you?

ROGER PAT SMITH

This may sound strange, but in putting together this book I’ve come across quite a bit of this type of thing. Parents feel that it’s, well, that it’s like unmasking Santa Claus. And they are not too happy about it.

STEVE WELLS

Well, the book seems to be selling pretty darn well!

ROGER PAT SMITH

Lots of people love it. They always wanted to know what Fred Flintstone really looks like, or Wilma, or Wally Gator. Or they think they want to know, anyway.

STEVE WELLS

How’s that?

ROGER PAT SMITH

Okay, well, sometimes the actual faces that go with the voices don’t quite meet up with people’s expectations. It’s, how shall I put it, a little traumatic sometimes.

MARJORIE HARRISON

That’s exactly what I’m talking about. The elementary school students who come into my library are shocked by what they see in this book. Yogi Bear, a bearded, b-b-bald man. Huckleberry Hound, an elderly woman. It’s gruesome, Steve, what this book is doing to the delicate psyches of our young people.

VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN

I say that’s too (bleep) bad for them, (bleep) (bleep) it. I’m sick and tired of holding it in. I have a right, a Constitutional right for people to see what Babbalouie really looks like.

MARJORIE HARRISON

You’re a disgrace.

VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN

Put your hand down already, look at me! I am not an animal, I am a human being!

[VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN grabs MARJORIE HARRISON’s hand and tries to pull it from her face. MARJORIE HARRISON punches around blindly until she connects with VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN’s nose, momentarily flooring him.]

ROGER PAT SMITH

Oh my (bleep).

STEVE WELLS

Actually, you shouldn’t be too alarmed, Roger. We get this quite a bit around here, what with the show being about controversial books and all. Sometimes I think we make Jerry Springer jealous.

ROGER PAT SMITH

What I’ve experienced with this book, I totally didn’t expect it. You know, at first I was just going to do a book about the history of TV cartoon characters, but gradually it just seemed to naturally evolve….

STEVE WELLS

That’s very interesting, but if you will excuse me a moment, Roger. We’ll be right back in just a few moments to find out more about the faces behind your favorite cartoon characters.

MARJORIE HARRISON

You make me see your face, Babbalouie, I swear, you will have my attorney to deal with.

VLAD STEFANPOITCHEN

Kwees-draw, I theenk maybe thees lady she no like us. You uptight little - hey lady, put down your (bleep)-ing hand, face the truth!

THE END

------------

"IN ORDERS WE TRUST"

(comedy sketch idea)

Jonathan David Steinhoff

©May 15, 2006

[A sculpture garden with what appear to be life-size statues of different Greek gods (but turn out to be the Greek gods themselves), and a park bench.]

ZEUS:

Yeah, well it wasn’t my fault, you’re the one who got her angry.

HERCULES:

I got her angry, but thank you for not even warning me. Thank all of you for that.

HERMES:

You think that if we knew she could do something like this we would have let you provoke her?

HERCULES:

Next time, if you know someone is the granddaughter of Medusa, think. Think about what might happen.

ATHENA:

I’m just glad we can still move our lips.

HERCULES:

Now that is the one good thing about all of this. Because now I can still call Zeus a great big wee-wee.

ATHENA:

Hercules, talking that way to your father!

ZEUS:

Young man, if I could reach my lightning bolt….

HERCULES:

Zeus is a great big wee-wee, Zeus is a great big wee-wee!

HERMES:

Great. Turned to stone and forced to listen to the most dysfunctional family in all creation. This is worse than “Married With Children”.

ATHENA:

Oh look, a mortal has come.

[A man in ordinary clothes, WALTER, sits on the bench, takes a sandwich out of a paper bag, and begins eating.]

HERCULES:

The nerve! Eating a sandwich like that in the presence of the greatest gods who ever lived. I’d like to….

ZEUS:

Hey you!

[WALTER stops chewing his sandwich and stares forward as if in a trance.]

HERCULES:

I don't think I'm gonna like this.

ZEUS:

That’s right, you. Listen. See that spray paint can next to you on the bench?

[WALTER looks at the empty bench next to himself. Suddenly there’s smoke, a flash, and a spray paint can appears on the bench.]

ZEUS:

Take that spray paint can and go to the statue of Hercules.

HERCULES:

Now wait a minute.

[WALTER obeys.]

ZEUS:

Paint on the Hercules statue, “Hercules is a spoiled little brat.” Go on, do it! Zeus commands you!

WALTER:

Yes, oh great Zeus.

[WALTER obeys.]

ZEUS:

Now go and eat your sandwich.

WALTER:

Thank you, oh great Zeus.

[WALTER returns to the bench and resumes eating his sandwich.]

HERCULES:

Wait! Go get that spray paint can again! Write on the Zeus statue –

ZEUS:

Hold it, now….

H. Write on the Zeus statue, “Zeus is a big fat wee-wee.”

HERMES:

This isn’t right.

HERCULES:

Stay out of it, Hermes.

ATHENA:

Hercules, you and Zeus really have to find a better way to work out your issues.

HERCULES:

You too, Athena, I’m warning the two of you.

HERMES:

You two should see yourselves with all that paint.

HERCULES:

Okay, that’s it. Now spray paint the Hermes statue. Write, uh, write this, “I am Hermes, and I want my Mommy.”

ATHENA:

Real mature, Hercules.

HERCULES:

Then write on the Athena statue, how about, “Praise Allah”.

ATHENA:

Now that’s going too far! You! Paint on the Hercules statue, “Jesus Lives”.

ZEUS:

This may not have been such a good idea.

HERMES:

Hear me:

paint on the Zeus statue, “Hebrew National Has To Answer To A Higher Authority.”

ZEUS:

Maybe we need a truce of some kind.

HERCULES:

Zeus is a big fat wee-wee, Zeus is a big fat wee-wee!

ATHENA:

Zeus is right.

HERMES:

I’ll go along with a truce. Hercules?

HERCULES:

Oh fine, you’re all wee-wees. Okay, uh, finish your sandwich and get out of here.

WALTER:

Thank you, oh wise and powerful gods.

HERCLUES:

Oh wise and powerful…. on second thought, don’t finish your sandwich, just get out of here.

WALTER:

Thank you, thank you, oh wise –

HERCULES:

And powerful gods, right. [WALTER exits.] Okay great, so now we have a truce.

[A great big shaggy DOG, big enough to be a person in a dog costume, comes along and wee-wees on HERCULES.]

HERCULES:

Well, that was quite a truce, wasn’t it.

ZEUS:

I had absolutely nothing to do with that.

ATHENA:

Neither did I.

HERMES:

Hey, dogs do that stuff, it doesn’t mean we had anything to do with it.

ZEUS:

(in a low voice) Good boy, good boy.

HERCULES:

That does it. Come here dog, listen, get the spray paint can and spray on the Zeus statue, “I brake for evil people“, no wait, uh, “Mohammad Is My Boyfriend”.

ATHENA:

Here boy, here boy.

HERMES:

Nice doggie.

THE END