hApPy bIrThdAy tO yOu...
Mood:  don't ask
although knowing that you will never be able to read this, i just wanna wish you a happy birthday and best wishes for everything you do...

crying to jas on the eve of your birthday wasnt the way i picture how things would be; ok, i know i wont be able to celebrate your bday for you but knowing the reality still hurts bad... poor jas had to sit there listening to me bawl my eyes out and talking inaudibly for 3hrs... (sorry jas)... i couldnt breathe or open my eyes after that, but it was good... all the frustration and sadness i carried in my heart was finally out... crying is the best way to heal; i think no1 knows that better than me...

i was still hoping at 3pm on tues afternoon that you will at least invite me to your birthday celebration but when you left after 10mins without even saying a word to me; the world just came crashing right back down.... of course, deep down i wish that we could be alone but even if i have to share you with 300 other ppl, i would have given anything for that to happen... well, this didnt happen; nothing happened... i was left to think all night what you were doing and trying my best not to drive both jas n myself crazy...

although i keep saying (not believing yet) to myself its time to close this chapter of my life and move on, i cant... not just yet... not now and i dont think for at least another few months... but im trying; i really am; at least im not crying every hr which is a vast improvement for me lately...

so, happy birthday kristian... as long as you are happy.... it will be enough.... its all that matters...