One of my favourite proverbs is: “No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted.” from Aesop, The Lion and the Mouse. I cherish this proverb, which serves to remind me that little things count no matter how insignificant they may be such as giving up your seat on a bus or opening the door for someone. There is within all of us the potential to do good, which brings me to discuss the power of gentleness and kindness.

Are you tired of living in a society poisoned by ill-mannered and rude people and interpersonal conflict? Is there room for gentleness and kindness in your life? Did you know that you could make a difference? Yes, you could. You can change your life and positively influence the lives of others by making gentleness and kindness a hallmark of your approach and attitude to life.

Did you know that gentleness is more powerful than force? The use of force is futile. It does nothing to resolve problems. It provides only a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Look at the situation in Iraq. The US occupation is met with resistance. Force wins nothing but resistance.

Whether we are aware of it or not our actions affect others on an emotional and psychic level. By becoming kinder and gentler and treating others with kindness and gentleness, you can change the dynamics of your interpersonal relationships and touch the lives of others in a positive way.

What does it mean to live by the power of kindness and gentleness? It means responding to others with kindness and gentleness regardless of the situation. It means conducting oneself and one’s affairs with dignity. It means that we exercise restraint and do not say hurtful things. It means extending a helping hand to someone in need. It means giving encouraging support and praise to others even when greeted with anger and hostility. It means not raising one’s voice. It means helping the stranger. It means not complaining about the faults of others. It means expressing tolerance and holding one’s tongue. It means not raising one’s voice, using one’s fist or authority over someone to get one’s way.

How do we cultivate an attitude of gentleness? We do this by cultivating an awareness of the here and now, treating others with compassion and recognizing the humanity and dignity of the other. It’s recognizing that gentleness and kindness are strengths and not weaknesses. It’s a given that we won’t always get along with everyone but by practicing the power of gentleness it expresses that we can live with grace and get on with people without seeing eye-to-eye.

How do these acts of kindness and gentleness get played out? When we follow the path of kindness and gentleness, it has huge implications in the way we treat our families, friends, co-workers, strangers, neighbours, and ourselves. When added up they have an impact on the state of our immediate world and surroundings, and in an indirect way create a more gentler and kinder world. It sends out a message. There’s another way to be. Now that’s making a difference!

Counselling Language
Here are some tips for greeting your clients.

Please greet them with warmth and genuine concern.
Put a smile in your voice.
Show them courtesy and respect.
Introduce yourself. “Hello. My name is ______________. I am pleased to meet you.”
Show them hospitality. “Please have a seat.” “Won’t you please sit down?”



Doing Workshops/Interviewing/Counselling

If you are conducting a workshop about STDs or HIV or any other related health issue such as Caring for people living with HIV/AIDS, please let your clients or attendees know that whatever they say about themselves in the workshop or presentation that it won’t be repeated outside the room. By doing so, you create an environment of trust which will allow clients to share information about themselves. This principle also applies to the counseling and interviewing session. Inform your clients that you will not disclose or share their information to anyone without their permission. “I want you to know that I won’t repeat anything that is said in the room. Anything said in the room will remain/stay in the room. This rule applies to everyone here too. We must respect each other’s privacy. Is that clear? Are there any questions?” Establishing trust is key to developing positive relationships with clients, which will then allow you to be of service to them, to help them deal with their problems and concerns. Clients or attendees may feel comfortable enough to disclose/share information about themselves, which will allow you to help them. For example, a young woman might disclose/say she has symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease or suspects she might have HIV.

If you are conducting an interview/counseling session, it’s vital to do the interview/counseling session in a private place where no one can overhear what is being said. This ensures client confidentiality, which is key to building good relations with your client.


Letting the client know what your role (job) is.

It’s vital to inform (to let) your client(s), members or attendees of your workshop or presentation know what your role (job) is and how you can help them from the beginning. By doing so, you can avoid misunderstandings and disappointments. You will find that clients will present with many problems and perhaps, have the impression that you can help them with all their concerns. So, it’s vital to let them know what you can do for them. Please tell them something about work. For example, “I’m a public health nurse. My job is to treat people with Guinea Worm Disease. Today, I’m going to show you how you can take care of your blisters and begin to remove the Guinea Worms from your body. Is that okay? ” “This is how I can help you. Let me tell you about nutrition for pregnant women. Let me tell about protection against STDs. Let me tell you how you can prevent night blindness.”

Here are some questions that you can use to get/encourage/facilitate the clients to talk about themselves.

How can I help you today?
Please tell me what’s on your mind.
What can I do for you today?
When did you learn about your HIV status?
Could you tell me how you are feeling today?
Please tell me what happened.
I’m here to help you. Please tell me what’s on your mind.
Are you feeling anxious about giving birth? Please tell me what you are feeling.
How are you feeling today?


Checking for understanding

When explaining a step (how to take vitamins or supplements), a skill (how to make rehydration fluid, how to dress a baby, how to use a condom), or technical vocabularies such as the reproductive system or digestion always check for understanding. Make sure your clients (audience) understand what you are saying.

Is this okay?
Is that clear?
Would you like me to speak more slowly?
Can you hear me?
Please feel free to interrupt at any time.


Interrupting the client

You’ll find quite often that when a client is agitated or upset or nervous or anxious, they will tend to speak very quickly/rapidly. Sometimes, they may speak in a very soft voice, which makes listening difficult. You might miss what they are saying so, quite often you may have to interrupt the client and have them repeat what they are saying. Don’t be afraid to interrupt. Don’t be shy. Understanding the client is key to your being able to successfully help them. It’s part of your job. It shows that you care what the client is saying to you and that you want to understand them. Here are some ways to interrupt your client:


I’m sorry to interrupt you. I couldn’t understand what you just said. Could you repeat that for me, please?
Are you trying to say this ………………..?
I didn’t quite catch what you said. Could you say that again for me please?
Could you tell me what ………….means?


Listening cues

When the client is speaking, it is very important to let them know that you are actively listening to them. Listening cues are a means to let the clients know that you are actively listening. They are verbal and non-verbal listening cues, which are often used together. Non-verbal listening cues include nodding your head, maintaining eye contact, good posture, and are leaning forward. Here are some verbal listening cues:

Um-hmm
I see.
Please go on.
Please continue.
I understand.
I hear what you’re saying.


Ending a counseling/interview session or presentation/workshop

Always end the counseling/interview session or presentation/workshop on a positive note. Thank the client for coming in to see you or attending your workshop or presentation. If there is to be a follow up visit, then inform the client of the next appointment or presentation/workshop. Arrange an appointment or inform them of the date of your next presentation/workshop. Write it out for them or give them a flyer. Before the client leaves or just before you end your presentation or workshop, ask the client if they have any questions. If they are to take vitamins or supplements, then ensure before they leave that they understand how to take them. Better still, provide them with a handout on instructions. Here are some ways to say good-bye.

Thank you for coming.
See you on the 20th.
Please call me if you have any questions. Here’s my card.

Counselling Tips
Techniques to help you understand your client(s) are to put yourself in their shoes and try to see their world from their perspective. Imagine yourself living their life (lives). Imagine yourself living their daily struggles and seeing their world through their eyes. Imagine what they are feeling and how they are trying to deal with their problems. This is a way to understand their problems. One of the purposes of counseling is to help clients manage their problems more effectively. Another is to empower them, to help them self-determine and improve the quality of their lives and relationships. Imagine what it would be like to be a poor young African woman married with several children living somewhere in the rural area of her country. Imagine what it would be like to be supporting her family on less than one dollar a day. Sometimes, her husband who is away and working in the city sends her money but otherwise she must cope with very few resources.


Something extremely important to establishing a relationship with your client is to be physically, emotionally and intellectually present to them. What does being present mean? It means that you are giving your client your full attention. You are actively listening to what they are saying and demonstrating understanding. A technique to show that you are actively listening to a client is to rephrase what they are saying, and then repeat it to them to check for understanding. Imagine this situation. You have gone to the doctor. You complain about feeling unwell. You tell the doctor that it’s hard for you to swollen, that you feel hot, that you feel pain in your arms and legs, and have the feeling of wanting to throw up. Your doctor then reframes what you are saying. He might say. From what I am hearing, you have a sore throat (gesturing to the throat), a temperature (gesturing to the head), nausea (gesturing to the stomach), and muscle pain (gesturing to the arms and legs). Is that correct? This demonstrates to the client that you are listening and trying to understand what they are telling you. You can then probe deeper into their problems. If you repeat what the client is saying for example it’s hard to swollen etc you are not showing empathy. Empathy is adding to the conversation. It is showing listening and understanding. And empathy is different from sympathy. Although sympathy has its place in human relations, in the counseling relationship, it can get in the way of your helping and empowering the client. The empathetic relationship is about helping the client to move on and deal with their problems. Saying to a client who tells you about their HIV status “poor you” or “that’s too bad” doesn’t do them any good. They are still HIV positive. They may feel better temporarily but it doesn’t help them deal and cope with their HIV status. But if you say to them, I can imagine what it is like to be HIV positive, well, you are moving in the direction of establishing a healing relationship with the client. Sympathy expresses pity and pity for a client can get in the way of your helping and empowering them and can leave the client stuck and unable to move on. Empathy allows you to recognize and acknowledge the emotions of your client and allows you to step into their world.

Another aspect of being present to your client is showing it in a physical way, a non-verbal way. This means that while you are interviewing/communicating with your client you leave your arms and legs uncrossed. Crossing your arms and legs creates an impression of being unavailable to the client as well as showing a lack of interest. Another important thing is to do the interview in a comfortable, relaxed setting where you are facing the client in an open and friendly way for example, sitting across from each other on some comfortable chairs. If you conduct the interview behind a desk, the desk itself presents a psychological barrier and hinders the establishment of communication with your client. You should maintain a good posture. Slouching (poor posture) demonstrates a lack of interest. It’s important to be relaxed with the client and not to fidget. If you appear nervous and uncomfortable, the client may feel that he or she is making you feel this way. In the west, maintaining eye contact shows interest and sincerity to what the client is saying. Looking away shows disinterest. Find out what is appropriate in your host country. Leaning forward also demonstrates interest. Leaning backwards demonstrates the opposite message.

You should listen with empathy and compassion. You should put aside your own concerns and problems. You should only be thinking of your client. Empathy involves stepping into the other person’s world so that you can understand them. It involves devoting your full intellectual and emotional capacity to your client. While counseling, you are not thinking of your own concerns and problems. This is very difficult to do at first but with patience and perseverance one can learn to detach from their preoccupations. Nevertheless, you must cultivate the awareness of your own feelings and be aware how they impact on others. If you are having a bad day, it’s likely to reflect in your dealings with people. You should be honest with people and let them know how you are feeling.

While listening to your client, try to understand and see them in the context of their environment. What’s it like to be a young African man or woman diagnosed with HIV/AIDS? Whatever you do never judge or appear judgmental to your client! If you do, you can never establish a meaningful relationship with a client. If you see that person as someone with AIDS, you are judging them. You need to see them as a person first. You mustn’t label them or blame them for their situation. If you blame them for their diagnosis, you can’t help them. They will walk away.

Listening in counseling is developing the ability to make sense and understand your client messages, stories, problems that s/he is expressing in a verbal (speaking) and/or non-verbal way (gestures, body language, facial expressions). In time, you will be able to interpret your client’s non-verbal messages. For example, if a client tells you verbally that she is okay but her facial expressions tell you otherwise (she looks sad) then you know something is wrong. You must probe deeper. For example, you might ask, “Has anything happened since I last saw you?”

When counseling, you mustn’t ask too many questions and ask only questions that are only relevant to helping the client move on and grow. You must allow the client to speak. You must be comfortable with silences and pauses. Sometimes, it takes time for a client to open up and share with you their concerns and problems. Open-ended questions are best. These require more than a yes
or no answer because yes and no questions (does, do, did) don’t provide much information.


Here are some counseling rules to follow:

1 Be non-judgmental! Don’t judge your client. Don’t see them as a problem. See them as a person first.
2 Be empathetic not sympathetic. Empathy allows you to recognize the feelings of the other person. It allows you to step into their world and help them cope and deal with their situation.
3 Be respectful. Showing respect demonstrates acceptance for the person. Be honest.
4 Be present to your client. Being present demonstrates that you are making yourself available to them to be of service.

I remember visiting a replica of Sun Yat Sen’s home in Taipei near Taipei Main Station one muggy humid afternoon. It was an oasis amidst the pollution and modernity of the surrounding city. There I had a chance to learn more about this incredible individual who succeeded to liberate his people from Manchu bondage and oppression. Then, I discovered that he had visited Japan in 1924 to attend the Pan-Asian conference that took place in Kobe. I read the speech he gave. His speech was prophetic and an attempt to influence Japan’s course of action. Regrettably, his words fell on deaf ears and failed to sway the powers that be. Japan had by now become the only Asian nation to establish itself as a world power on par with other powers. It had succeeded to librate itself from the shackles of foreign domination by abolishing the unequal treaties forced upon her 30 years previous to the date of the speech. In 1924, Japan was its own master and flexing its prowess. San Yat Sen's speech was an attempt to remind Japan of its historical relationship to China, to honour the Rule of Right and to oppose the Rule of Might. However, Japan, in looking forward, denied its past and emulated the European powers to its own detriment and demise. It followed a dangerous course of action that brought it defeat, dishonour, shame, the atomic bomb, and American occupation.

Did Sun Yat Sen have a premonition of what was to come? I think he did. So, why did he fell to convince Japan? How do you convince powerful nations to take a different course of action?

Now, less than a hundred years later the tables are reversed. China is on the cusp of becoming the new superpower while America embroils itself in conflict after conflict. India too is posed to play an international role in the years to come.

I wonder if China will heed the words of its national hero and follow the Rule of Right.

The situation in Iraq ain’t right. We ought to know this by now. The situation continues to escalate and there appears no hope in sight. The Iraqi situation tells me the world has walked away from its collective responsibility to do something. What will it take to mobilize countries to take action!

We need to help the Americans find a solution. We need to ask Iran to support peace initiatives in Iraq and to ask its Shite brothers to lay down their arms. We need to give the Iraqi people hope for a better tomorrow. Let’s stop the violence! Let’s work for a peaceful situation. Let’s work for world peace.

The situation in Iraq ain’t right. We ought to know this by now. The situation continues to escalate and there appears no hope in sight. The Iraqi situation tells me the world has walked away from its collective responsibility to do something about the situation. What will it take to mobilize countries to take action!

We need to help the Americans find a solution. We need to ask Iran to support peace initiatives in Iraq and to ask its Shite brothers to lay down their arms. We need to give the Iraqi people hope for a better tomorrow. Let’s stop the violence! Let’s work for a peaceful situation. Let’s work for world peace.

I’ve also just finished reading the screenplay the Kiss of the Spider Women. Here’s my take on the screenplay.

Both Valentin and Molina are tragic figures caught up in delusions, fantasies and idealism. Valentin is a fool. He thinks he can do something to change his world. He thinks revolution is the answer. What an idiot! What does his idealism get him but a prison cell! And Molina is nothing but a pawn changing sides along the way because of his sexuality and desire for intimacy with a heterosexual man. Molina is first used by the apparatchiks of the prison system and then, when he falls for Valentin, a heterosexual man, changes sides and become Valentin’s pawn.

Why does he change sides? Is it because he takes stock of his life? His mother is on the verge of death. He has become a middle-aged queen with no prospects who gets off diddling teenage boys. What’s there to hope for? He has nothing to lose. Is he tired of living? Is he tired of his sordid existence? What makes Molina change? Why the turnabout? What did he hope to gain by protecting Valentin from the authorities and becoming his pawn? It’s a dog eat dog world no matter how you cut the cake. Is this his last chance for redemption? Perhaps, I think it is. He has been given a chance to set the record straight and redeem himself in his own and perhaps, Valentin’s eyes, a man he now loves who just happens to be heterosexual and who has shared with him. I think he wants to be a martyr to his love for Valentin. He knows the prison authorities are on to him. Does Molina really understand the risks? I don’t think he does. How could he when he has lived a deluded life by living in his head, wasting his time chasing heterosexual men, diddling boys, and dreaming up fantasies! He is overwhelmed by love for Valentin and will do anything to honour it.

Valentin is no fool. Perhaps, he realizes Molina is a stool pigeon out to rat him to the authorities. I think Valentin suspects Molina. Perhaps, Valentin doesn’t care anymore and realizes he won’t get out alive. Although idealistic, Valentin is an intelligent man. He knows his goose is cooked. Who is there to rescue him? He’s played the martyr for a cause, which fails to give him any comfort. How sad! Perhaps, he sees Molina as a means to continue the cause until the very end.

On the other hand, I think Valentin sees Molina as a diversion, an escape from the harsh reality of his existence and personal failures. Did Valentin really think he could change his world? He sacrificed his life and the love of a woman for a cause and winds up in a prison cell. Poor idiotic fool! Didn’t he realize the authorities were on to him? Why did he hand over his passport to Uncle Americo? He could have used it to save himself. Molina and Valentin have both squandered their lives for different ends, which make them both tragic figures - Molina in the pursuit of finding love in the arms of a heterosexual man and Valentin to a noble cause. I think Valentin sells himself short. He should have examined the pros and cons of getting involved and Molina should have known better than sexually interfering with young boys. What were these men thinking? Better still, they weren’t thinking through their decisions. This makes them tragic because they are like most people who don’t think or let others do their thinking for them. So, these two misfits of society, pillars apart in sexuality and identity, find themselves sharing a prison cell. They don’t get it no matter how you look at it that they are both condemned and heaped with abuse by a society that sees them as contemptible and expendable. Society will always hold certain people in this regard. And what makes their story so compelling and intriguing is how they eventually put aside their differences to come together and share with each other what’s left of their humanity. In spite of everything, they redeem themselves in spite of what the system has does to them.

Do give it a read. You won’t be disappointed.

Perhaps, I’ve mentioned that I love reading screenplays. I find them an enjoyable read and the language visually rich and evocative. I’ve just finished reading Vertigo, rated one of the ten best movies ever made. It’s a masterpiece and perhaps, Hitchcock’s best film. Here’s my take on the screenplay.

Scottie in the end sacrifices Judy a.k.a. Madeleine. I kept asking myself why? Why does he do it? He finds her again. She loves him. He loves her. Why does he confront her with her past deeds? Why doesn’t he let things just go on? Because his ego won’t let him forget that he was played the sap, made a fool of, victimized, and made to play the scapegoat. Poor Scottie sacrifices his love for another human being, a profound love, that happens perhaps once in a lifetime for some people in order to recover/regain his dignity. What was he thinking in the first place by falling in love with another man’s wife? You know he’s human after all. He blames himself for Madeleine’s death, as he couldn’t stop her from committing suicide, and as a result goes into a deep depression because of guilt and most important of all, because of overwhelming grief. He was mourning the loss of a profound love.

Why did Scottie allow himself to fall into Elster’s trap, to be set up? Why didn’t he listen to reason? Why did he believe such bull? He’s an educated man after all, a lawyer, and a former police officer. He should have known better than to fall for such nonsense, that Elster’s wife was possessed. The thing is Scottie is a stereotype for people today who really believe in past lives, walk ins, UFOs and so on. Why didn’t he walk away? Why didn’t he listen to Midge? Elster was hoping Scottie would go along with his request for old time sake. Elster was right. A school friend betrayed poor Scottie. Scottie was too good-natured to realize a school friend would pull a fast one on him. Poor Scottie! But didn’t he realize that Judy was also a victim of Elster’s plot. She isn’t very bright. She’s too stupid to see behind Elster’s attentions and intentions. She was a bigger fool! Perhaps, Hitchcock was hinting that women perhaps blonds are just dumb and stupid who only care about frippery, dressing up and painting the town red. I think Hitchcock was a misogynist at heart. You wonder if a blonde didn’t jilt him in his youth. Judy was desperate. She’s a stereotype for many young women even today. Here she was living in an apartment hotel working at a dead end job with no prospects. She is very much like her mother and follows her mother’s example by letting men look after her. First, there’s Elster and then Scottie. You wondered who had her before. Perhaps, she was lacking in some morals. She was alone in the world. Lonely, desperate people will do stupid things. She needed a man to feel alive and would do anything to keep one. Along comes Elster who remakes her in the image of his wife Madeleine and for his own ulterior purposes. Then and perhaps as now, women feel they don’t account for much without a man in their lives. This is how I see Judy. Couldn’t Scottie see that not all women are like Midge? Judy didn’t have Midge’s upbringing and opportunities. Judy is hungry for life and will sell her self-respect to get something out of life even if it is allowing men to remake her. Poor Judy! She’s just a victim. She isn’t to blame. I don’t think she would have gone along if she really understood Elster’s true intentions. She only learns of the truth at the last minute in the Bell Tower just before Elster throws the body of his dead wife whom he has just murdered out the window. Why did Judy tear up her confessional letter to Scottie? Why didn’t she come clean? Did she really think she could pull a fast one on poor Scottie? I think she was copying learned behaviour. She can’t or doesn’t know how to think.

Poor Scottie! He could have regained his self-respect and kept Judy if he wasn’t blinded by hate. Hate is such a powerful emotion and sometimes I think it’s more powerful than love. In the end, there are no winners in Hitchcock’s film Vertigo. There are only losers. Madeleine and Judy are both sacrificed by men they loved and trusted. Elster is on the run from the law and well Scottie he has his ego to keep him warm at night.

The Canadian Journalist Robert Fulford wrote a column about Marguerite Duras and Robert Brasillach for The National Post on January 23, 2001 which was of interest to me because I’ve enjoyed reading Margaret Duras’s books. What interested me about the article were his comments about Marguerite Duras whom he labeled a Nazi collaborator, a thoughtless one though. He bases his comments on Laure Adler’s biography Marguerite Duras: A Life (Gollancz). Marguerite Duras is the author of many great novels (The Lover) and screenplays (Hiroshima Mon Amour).

Marguerite Duras achieved international recognition with her novel, The Lover, a story about a young girl, herself, who crosses color and class lines in love. The Lover became a worldwide success and was translated into dozens of languages and made into a movie by Jean-Jacques Annaud.

Marguerite Duras was born in French Indochina on April 4, 1914 and died in Paris, France at the age of 81 on March 3, 1996. Her parents were schoolteachers there. As she disliked her family name Donnadieu, she changed it to Duras, the name of the village in southwest France where her father’s family came from.

Apparently, she wrote hack propaganda for the French government. According to Kaplan whom he quotes, she wrote for “the committee responsible for publicizing French bananas. She left bananas to work with tea.” And she helped to write a book explaining the virtues of the empire, built on the assumption that whites should rule the world, which she denied ever writing.

In 1940, she joined the Vichy government’s Paper Allocation Agency, which determined which books could be published. Then, she jumped ship and joined the Resistance at the last moment, coming out on the winning side, he writes.

His comments raise several interesting questions. Should we read authors who have led less than exemplary lives? Should their books carry a disclaimer and state the author’s former or current involvement in questionable activities? It's something I'm gonna think about.

I re-read Snow Country and Thousand Cranes by Kawabata. I love his work. The relationship between Shimamura, a Tokyo dance critic, and Komoko, a young mountain geisha, in Snow Country hint at the delicate intricacies of Japanese relationships set amidst the breathtaking backdrop of the snow country. Men of means, as is Shimaura, are allowed dalliances with geisha. He’s bored and looking for a diversion. She becomes his diversion, a respite from work and life in Tokyo. Perhaps, she too needed a diversion living as she is in a household doomed with the threat of death. The poor Yukio is dying of intestinal tuberculosis and his mother is a semi-invalid. And Komoto rather than just keepings things strictly business-like with Shimamura allows her emotions to get the better of her. She throws herself at Shimamura. It’s a doomed love affair. Nothing can come from it. She confides in him. Yet, she and her life remain an enigma. Her past and relationships are unclear. In the end, she rescues the unconscious Yoko from a burning fire. We are left with the image of a young geisha clutching the unconscious body of Yoko and crying, “This girl is insane. She’s insane.’ Poor Komoko and all women like her who turn to prostitution to support themselves and their families.