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The Wicker Chronicles: Essays, Poetry, Short Fiction
Saturday, 18 June 2005
not exactly a news flash

I haven't spoken to my father in 6 years. This is not exactly news; anyone who knows me well knows what an abominable creature he is. I've also written about various experiences of mine with him, and posted them on this blog.

I've been told by well-meaning people that in order to truly forgive him, I need to reestablish a relationship with him. Which, from my point of view, would put me in a position to be abused and rewounded all over again, because that is what he does. He's a master manipulator. He's mentally cruel by nature. He wants a relationship with me not for my benefit, but so that he can present the false reality to his friends, family and colleagues that he has a relationship with his oldest son again. I'm just a prop, a last component that will complete the tidy tableau he's designed for others to see. I know this because that was my function for about twenty years, so how exactly would that change now?

There's also the fact that he has succinctly stated his views on homosexuality in public forums, that it not only profanes but perverts the image of God. He also compares it to bestiality, saying that homosexuality strikes at the essence of what it means to be human. As you can imagine, as both a Christian and a gay man, his zealous stance doesn't exactly inspire much confidence in me that he's capable of a rekindled relationship.

Most of my friends are like, excuse me? Did we hear you right? They're shocked that I would even consider a relationship again after all that he's done to my mother and brother. But I'm not interested and never have been in doing the easy thing when it's not the right thing. I've wanted to make the honorable decision, even if he has never dealt honorably with me.

So as Father's Day swings past, the annual questions rise: Should I make contact again, and what would that do to my life? I've been so protective of what I've regained over the past 6 years, untainted and uninfluenced by him. My mind hasn't been clouded and anxious, constantly worried that he's going to be angry and disappointed with me. I don't want to give him any more material that he can save up and use against me. I don't want to give up the peace and the confidence that I've so carefully built out of his absence.

Posted by blog/wicker_chronicles at 7:20 PM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 18 June 2005 8:03 PM CDT
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Sunday, 19 June 2005 - 1:56 AM CDT

Name: jeremy
Home Page:

For myself, I know that to make contact would disrupt the fine veneer of sanity i have created around myself. If you read my blog today, your story is similar to mine.

But, in the same voice, forgiveness comes in time, I have learned that facing my life and my death. I have attempted to contact him and he does not want to know me from Adam. He won't even make me a topic of conversation because I am Gay and Hiv+...

if you make contact, have the understanding that you may not get what you need from him, and he may spit in your face as well, so be prepared.

It is sad when we, the eldest children, of the family are spurned by our parents. I encourage you to stay in the healing process and I know I sound so stupid and trite, but I have learned a few things about my father, and he is a sad creature, whom I now have nothing but Pity and Hope that he will be forgiven for the abuse he heaped on me.

Don't contact if you feel that your "process" of living will be interrupted. Sometimes a distance and silence is necessary for us to regain equilibrium after that kind of abuse.

Don't feel bad if you don't call or contact. we all heal in our own time. Don't add fuel to his fire of hate, it will only scar you further. WE have to protect Ourselves from that.

I pray that you can find some wisdom in my words and maybe find it in your time to be able to pray for him, because you know the greatest way to heal a heart is to pray for that person until the pain goes away.

I once prayed for his death, now I pray for his salvation. I know that i will never repair the rift nor get or need his approval. You will move past this eventually.

Prayer and faith will help you do that. I encourage you to stay fast to your faith and practice, God will see you through this weekend and for the rest of your days.

Know you are in my thoughts and you are not alone.

Peace from Montreal

Monday, 20 June 2005 - 10:49 AM CDT

Name: G.
Home Page:

Thanks Jeremy. These questions I raise every year are somewhat rhetorical; I've made my decision not to contact my father for some very good reasons, but I still come back to that decision now and then and review it. It's an annual ritual. I do pray for him, and hope that some day he will realize the ramifications of what he did and how his behavior continues to hurt people. But, I don't expect anything. I've moved past that. I have an excellent relationship with my mother and stepfather; my stepdad is more of a decent human being than my biological father could ever aspire to be. I took him and my mom out for a wonderful father's day dinner yesterday, and now that's a good memory I can look back on. What can we do but try to build good memories for the future? We can't change the past, but we can change what we do in the present. We can build new memories with the people we love.

Monday, 20 June 2005 - 11:55 AM CDT

Name: jeremy
Home Page:

Yes, I know, I go through this each year myself, and I have this same discussion in my head. It happens on every "family" oriented holiday. Neither parent is in my life, but I do have my hubby's inlaws who make me feel human and loved, we went to see them last weekend. So at least I have family contact with inlaws and Peters brothers and sisters and their spouses.

I thought about you yesterday - I am glad you had a good day. It is true we cannot choose our family, but we can choose to create our own. That is a gift. Sounds like your step dad fills that void quite nicely.

Keep writing.


Monday, 20 June 2005 - 10:05 PM CDT

Name: scapegoat
Home Page:

It is enough that you have hope for reconcilliation. When it is time, you will be ready for it.

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