Sunday, 19 June 2005 - 1:56 AM CDT

For myself, I know that to make contact would disrupt the fine veneer of sanity i have created around myself. If you read my blog today, your story is similar to mine.

But, in the same voice, forgiveness comes in time, I have learned that facing my life and my death. I have attempted to contact him and he does not want to know me from Adam. He won't even make me a topic of conversation because I am Gay and Hiv+...

if you make contact, have the understanding that you may not get what you need from him, and he may spit in your face as well, so be prepared.

It is sad when we, the eldest children, of the family are spurned by our parents. I encourage you to stay in the healing process and I know I sound so stupid and trite, but I have learned a few things about my father, and he is a sad creature, whom I now have nothing but Pity and Hope that he will be forgiven for the abuse he heaped on me.

Don't contact if you feel that your "process" of living will be interrupted. Sometimes a distance and silence is necessary for us to regain equilibrium after that kind of abuse.

Don't feel bad if you don't call or contact. we all heal in our own time. Don't add fuel to his fire of hate, it will only scar you further. WE have to protect Ourselves from that.

I pray that you can find some wisdom in my words and maybe find it in your time to be able to pray for him, because you know the greatest way to heal a heart is to pray for that person until the pain goes away.

I once prayed for his death, now I pray for his salvation. I know that i will never repair the rift nor get or need his approval. You will move past this eventually.

Prayer and faith will help you do that. I encourage you to stay fast to your faith and practice, God will see you through this weekend and for the rest of your days.

Know you are in my thoughts and you are not alone.

Peace from Montreal
Jeremy

Monday, 20 June 2005 - 10:49 AM CDT

Thanks Jeremy. These questions I raise every year are somewhat rhetorical; I've made my decision not to contact my father for some very good reasons, but I still come back to that decision now and then and review it. It's an annual ritual. I do pray for him, and hope that some day he will realize the ramifications of what he did and how his behavior continues to hurt people. But, I don't expect anything. I've moved past that. I have an excellent relationship with my mother and stepfather; my stepdad is more of a decent human being than my biological father could ever aspire to be. I took him and my mom out for a wonderful father's day dinner yesterday, and now that's a good memory I can look back on. What can we do but try to build good memories for the future? We can't change the past, but we can change what we do in the present. We can build new memories with the people we love.

Monday, 20 June 2005 - 11:55 AM CDT

Yes, I know, I go through this each year myself, and I have this same discussion in my head. It happens on every "family" oriented holiday. Neither parent is in my life, but I do have my hubby's inlaws who make me feel human and loved, we went to see them last weekend. So at least I have family contact with inlaws and Peters brothers and sisters and their spouses.

I thought about you yesterday - I am glad you had a good day. It is true we cannot choose our family, but we can choose to create our own. That is a gift. Sounds like your step dad fills that void quite nicely.

Keep writing.

peace
jeremy

Monday, 20 June 2005 - 10:05 PM CDT

It is enough that you have hope for reconcilliation. When it is time, you will be ready for it.