Ohmigod – Shock! Horror! She’s out – the foxiest lady left in the Oz Idol comp. And she’s gone … My Sunday nights are now an empty void. Each week when she sang, I could just tell she was singing to me. When she sang the theme song from ‘Titanic’ I went all gooey and got goosebumps from tip to toe. That’s my favourite song and I always suffer from too much female attention when I sing it at karaoke!
Cosima and I had a ‘cosimaic’ connection. I mean sure we’d never met… but with some chicks you just know, you know?
So in sympathy, I’m going to grow my eyebrows just like Cosima. And to keep the ladies happy – I’m going to grow a ‘flavour saver’ just like Shannon. As for growing Guy’s ‘fro, well it ain’t gunna happen, ‘cause we wouldn’t want to disappointment our female friends by toying with my luxurious locks. Dave, my hairdresser at ‘Snippyworld’ reckons he hasn’t seen trusses as beautiful as mine since Johnny Farnham’s ‘Whispering Jack’ tour. And anyone that charges $8 for a haircut has gotta know their stuff.
Tues – Melbourne Cup
Got all dressed up in my best tan slacks for the office Melbourne Cup sweepstakes. I never win at those things. The horse I selected must have been dead or something because I never even heard its name called throughout the race. Anyway, what kind of a horse’s name is Phar Lap anyhow?
I was supposed to meet up with the crowd from work, but they all said they were in a private meeting all day, and it was about stuff that they said had nothing to do with me, and they weren’t to be disturbed. Anyhow, I was saving up all my strength and charm for Thursday… the one day of the year that I truly shine – the day named after the ones that I hold truly special, the ones I adore, the ones I like to get SAUCY with – Ladies Day!
Had a sickie from work to spend the day with my favourite person - me! I got mum to phone work and say that I had a fever – which was kind of true ‘cause I sure was feeling hot! I even had to have a cold shower to cool down. You should’ve seen the steam!
Pretty much spent the day in front of the mirror trying out different outfits and practicing all my sure fire pick-up lines. Rehearsed all of my Salsa moves – and made sure I stretched out - I don’t want to pull a hammy like last time!
Thursday – Ladies Day
The very name of the day sends electric shivers down my spine. A day. For ladies. What better way to meet a fine filly? Surely a stallion with my animal magnetism is in with a good chance of finishing strongly, or at least get neck-and-neck? I’m not a betting man, but I’ll bet you a shandy that I’d be odds on for a photo finish with a foxy babe in a hat by race 6.
Speaking of Ladies Day, what about my main man Millsy after the Cup? He’s like the brother I’ve never met - he’s the king of L-O-V-E. It’s not everyday you get to flood the spa in a hotel room with a foxy Hilton sister to help you out. I don’t know why he didn’t call me and we could’ve double dated or something?
Mum dropped me and DJ Jammy at the racecourse, in time to view the field. And weren’t there some fine ladies all frocked up and looking for love? We headed in and I cruised over to put a bet on the favourite. When I say favourite I mean me, ‘cause I bet Jammy $5 that I could get some sizzling action from the hot chick in the queue next to me. The horses hadn’t even lined up at the barrier for the first race, and I was already going to be winning some big bikkies!
This was too good to be true! I sidled up and asked for directions “Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.” She mustn’t have heard me, ‘cause she kept looking at her form guide. Anyhow, most girls play hard to get, but I play hard to want.
After losing my first bet to Jammy, I’d lost the betting urge and wanted to devote all my efforts to scoping the fashions in the field …and looking for that special lady.
Got a good vibe when I spied a foxy filly over by the hot dog stand. Purrrrrr! I could tell that this lady was ready for some Warren moves. I laid it on her “Did it hurt?” “What?” (I could tell she was interested) “When you fell from heaven!” She seemed to shudder with excitement - maybe she was nervous when talking to the man of her dreams. She couldn’t seem to look me in the eye, or even at me – and seemed to almost not hear me. Probably dazzled by the Warren factor.
Realising I had to get back to Jammy before his hot chips went cold, I asked the babe for her number. And as I expected she gave it to me. I asked her if she wanted to salsa the afternoon away with me, and she said she had to meet up with some friends, but that she’d meet me at the saucy sounding ‘Mucking Stables’ at 3.00pm.
I decided to get there early and wait for her. By 4 o’clock she still hadn’t showed up. She must have written her number down wrong, cause when I phoned it, the nice person on the other end kept telling me the time. Why didn’t she just text me to tell me she’d got lost? It’s only 5c Virgin 2 Virgin …maybe there’s another ‘Mucking Stable’ where she’s waiting for me now?
Anyhow that’s her loss. I’m still waiting for a special lady (or similar), so text me at my web text number 0403 879 867
Being a love machine can be hard work, and I’m feeling exhausted. So I’ve decided to go on hols for the week to a very special destination. DJ Jammy told me of a place overseas where the choons are phat and the ladies would love a man with my special gifts. So I’ll be cruising the streets, in a land far away where I can dazzle a whole new nation of babes.
So I went to see Cindy at the travel agent again to book the tickets. Meow! She is one fine kitty cat. Anyway – mum and I are all booked for our big trip and ready to jet out this Friday.
So if you wanna see me in the flesh and face-to-face – you’re gunna have to wait. But relax, you can still send me a message of love – if you’ve got a Virgin Mobile it’ll only cost 5 cents – even while I’m overseas. How cheap is that!
Nothing much... too much packing.
Friday – Halloween
Thanks for the tip, DJ Jammy. Not! Turns out that although Devonport Tasmania is technically across the water, it isn’t actually overseas. So imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find the duty free shop at the airport, and couldn’t get the cheap bottle of crème de menthe that I’d been dreaming of.
And as I was expecting to be lying on a beach on an island for the last five days, I only packed my cords, a couple of tight t-shirts and my speedos. It was cold, and I kept waiting for a call from a hot lady to warm me up.
Went to the local nite spot – Porkies. Met some lovely ladies and got an invite to a Halloween party tomorrow night…… woohoo – looks like my holiday dreams might come true!. Being Halloween – it’s a fancy dress party – I do love to dress up. The girls suggested I go as myself – probably best - I don’t wanna wear a mask and scare off the babes!
Ohmigod! I think it’s finally about to happen – I’ve gunna have a date! Sizzle! I met the cutest lady at the Halloween party. She was a witch and had the second best costume at the party. I spied her across the room and strutted over and said “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants”
And she’s as funny as I am! She (Wendy) made the funniest joke about me taking off my mask, and couldn’t believe that it really was mine and that I could be born with such a beautiful face.
So we’re going to go someplace special. I’m torn between Karoake or Ten-Pin Bowling. Either way, I’m stylin’ at both so I can’t lose. I’ll think we’ll go for bowling cause those shoes look S-E-X-Y with my tan slacks…
Mum leant me the Camira we’d hired to pick her up, so we don’t have to catch the bus! And as we all know … there’s nothing that the babes like more than a guy with his own wheels.
I met Wendy at her door and thought “This is a chick that likes to party, cause she was wearing the same clothes as last night”. Turns out Wendy really was a Witch and that she also wasn’t wearing a costume or a mask like me.
I ran so fast from her house – which isn’t easy in bowling shoes – that I broke a nail as I leapt into the car and dropped it out of there.
What a waste of the day I’d spent in front of the mirror getting ready and practicing all my lines and hot Salsa moves to punctuate each bowl in my own sexy style. But at least I get another night on the couch watching Australian Idol waiting for everyone to text me. C’mon, you know you want to…purrrrrr.
Thursday 23/10 Night
I’ve just got back from the ARIA’s. 48 hours later! What a mad 2 days. I’ve only just got home.
I met so many celebrities, and you know most of them just couldn’t get enough of the Warrenator. It was sooooo Delta’s night – she totally cleaned up and wasn’t it good of her to throw the boys from Powderfinger a couple of gongs? That’s just what I look for in a lady – generosity.
I nearly freaked when I saw all the paparazzi…. I mean I’m used to having my photo taken by strangers… being an attractive kinda guy and all…. but they just couldn’t seem to find me amongst the other famous faces.
In the game we call them “celebs”. Most of them were as tired and emotional as newts by the end of the night. Had a great chat to the Wiggles, and impressed them with some new moves I learnt at Salsa class. I think they’re pretty keen to use them in their show, but halfway through my routine – just before breaking into my climactic ‘forbidden dance’ - they told me they had to go to the toilet. All four of them. At the same time. They’ll never get the chicks acting like that.
How rock and roll is it that I’m just getting home after 2 days? I managed to meet Delta and yelled to her, “Congratulations! You've been voted ‘Most Beautiful Girl In This Room’ and the grand prize is a night with me!” She laughed and thanked me – no-one can resist the Warren magnetism! So I texted Mum (she’s got a Virgin Mobile, so it only cost 5¢), and told her not to worry about picking me up ‘cause Delta just did. Sizzle! But Delta must be a bit forgetful because she didn’t show, and after 2 days of waiting I caught the bus home.
I’m pretty much given up on Delta. I mean there’s so many fish in the sea, and when you’re one smooth shark – like the Great White Warren, you can afford to be choosy. She really isn’t my type anyhow.
Met the cutest uni work experience babe in the tea room at work. I offered her a chockie bickie and she accepted … but then again what lady can resist the approaches of Warren? She was pretty taken with me (dah!), and I knew I was in when she invited me to join her after work at a place I’d not heard of before called ‘Hole in One’ (sounded kinda saucy) … she said it had heaps of cool parties. She was going to meet me there, so I found the right timetable and caught an express bus to the front door. The night sure was going great so far!
Sure as I’m hot with the ladies, this place did have heaps of parties. Unfortunately they were all for 12 year olds, and I left the Putt Putt Golf after a few closely contested rounds that I almost won. And the babe did a no show. Can’t understand why she didn’t text me to say she wasn’t coming (only 5c Virgin to Virgin … perhaps she’s foolishly with another network and it costs too much to text).
Oktoberfest. Time to meet some pretty l’il frauleins over a few oversized beers. At the very least some German backpackers – we all know how lasses from the cold countries need to warm up with a hunk of burnin’ love.
After Friday night’s golf I sure had worked up a thirst, so I headed to my local keen for some dancin’ and romancin’. Mum gave me a lift to where I heard the action was hot and heavy and where the ladies appreciated a man of my style. I strutted in lavishly decked out in my best cords and a shirt that I bought from the shop where Mark Holden buys his gear. Now my local is a bowls club and you could have heard a pin drop when I entered. The doorman wanted to chat – probably to pick up some style tips but I told him– “You can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a ladies’ man, no time to talk”.
I settled in with a white wine spritzer and scoped the action. It must have been too early, because all I could see on the dancefloor was the ‘Grab a Granny’ going on. Tried out some Salsa moves, but this stuff was harder to shimmy to than DJ Jammy’s House choons. I was feeling like flexing my groove thang, so requested the ‘Chicken Dance’ of the duo playing in the corner. They mustn’t have had their hearing aids on as they ignored me. I felt my chances of hooking up with a babe younger than my nan were pretty slim, so headed home, and made it just in time to watch “The Bill”.
You know i like to groove ladies, so i thought i'd do a bit of Salsa dancing - i've got the fever !! Boy what a night !! I had a great time, and learnt some serious moves. My new nickname is "El Warriachi" The only minor problem was that my spray-on paints didn't quite let me shake it as easily as i'd hoped.
I’m going on holidays in a couple of weeks, so I went to see Cindy at my local travel agent ... Phwor! She was so hot, hot, hot. I told her I’d like to take her to paradise with me. She suggested that I take a trip to hell. I said ‘do you have a map cause I keep getting lost in your eyes’ I think I was just too much Warren for her to handle because she didn't say much after that.
That night - went to see my good friend DJ Jammy spinning the choons at "Singlez" at the Railway Hotel. I decided to try out my new Salsa moves. Must have had one too many Shandis - cause Salsa and Jammy’s house choons weren’t a good mix. I think I may have strained my hamstring. Never mind - i'll be back on the dance floor before you can say "Hasta la Vista, Baby!"
Was feeling a bit better in the morning – so I decided to go to the Motor show….. Jammy told me there’d be heaps of girlie girls there and my strike rate for the weekend so far wasn’t looking too good.
Jammy was right – lots of girls – but they were all with their boyfriends – nice one Jammy.
Here’s a picture of my dream car.
Until next weekend
Had a wild weekend - which all started off a big bang on Friday night. I was meant to go out with my friends from work to watch the Rugby at our usual after work drinking hole, but when I got there I couldn’t find them and they didn’t respond to my texts - must have been a bit noisy where they were!
Anywaaaay, there was a nice looking young lady who seemed to be more interested in me than the big game … so I decided to stay on. I said to her - ‘baby someone had better call god cause he’s missing an angel’. She had to leave cause it was her hair washing night but she slipped me her number as she left. Unfortunately when I called her today it’s the RTA hotline. Does anyone know a Simone with black hair? I think her dad was a thief too - cause he must have stolen the stars from the sky and put them in her eyes!
Saturday nights, I like to head to my local karaoke bar and sweeten the honey-trap with my Lionel Ritchie ballad medley. I got some serious eye-contact that night!
Who can believe that Levi was voted off Oz Idol!!!!! He is soo cool. I bet he doesn’t have any probs with the ladies! I tried out for Idol. I didn’t make it through the first round. Dicko just said ‘I was a no talent wussy little looser – but I could tell the real reason was that Marsha had a thing for me, but didn’t want to mix business with pleasure! She said ‘in all my life I’ve never seen anyone quite like you, you’ve certainly got something going on boyfriend, I’m just not sure what it its!’
If anyone else has had a near miss at Oz Idol like me – text me your story and I’ll post it on my site. Text me at my web text number 0403 879 867. If you've got a Virgin Mobile it'll only cost you 5¢.