Monday 24th November 2003

Week 40, Day 241

It's funny how much can change in the 22 days since I last wrote. I've been to Australia and back, and today work starts all over again - back to reality I guess. For the full story of my Aussie trip (plus photos) go

In other news, well, let's just say, the few days I've been back have been a challenge.

After a few luggage hitches at Manchester Airport I managed to get to the hotel in one piece. I had a nap before Dave met me there. I knew something wasn't right from moment he walked in, he just seemed really down. After dinner, the truth spilt out. We had a long talk and came to the conclusion it was time to go our separate ways.

I've known for a while he hasn't been the happiest person, and it can't be easy for him to live with someone who is having the time of her life at work, when going to work for him at the moment is probably just routine and a way to earn some money. There are so many things I try to pin the blame on as to why this has happened - things I could have done better, signs I should have seen - but in the end I know it's pointless because this is the way it is and I just have to deal with it.

Needless to say, it brought the tone of the weekend down a little. I don't know if I couldn't sleep properly because of jet lag or because I had so many thoughts running through my head. Luckily, Dave and I are both mature enough to see there's no point in being angry at each other and so we still spent the weekend together though I admit it being rather weird. It's hard to come back to the person you love and then have to treat them just as your best friend. Despite the occasional depressed feeling, I did have a good time. We walked around Manchester city, shopped, watched a movie ('Love Actually' would you believe - it was really good!) but the highlight of course was seeing Radiohead on Saturday night.

Ironically, seeing them couldn't have come at a better time. Radiohead have been around to support me through all my hard times and they were there again this time round. I cried through Fake Plastic Trees, I laughed at Thom's happy dancing (seriously, that guy has got himself together - must be something to do with being a father now I guess), and came to the conclusion that every year, those guys just get better and better at playing. You can really hear the difference between a good band and an awesome band when they play. Every note was spot on, the music was tight, and songs were never played exactly like on the album - I love it when bands spruce things up a little live. I bought myself a red t-shirt which has the cover of Hail to the Theif on it and I'll be wearing that around proudly for years to come. I was also glad that Dave enjoyed it, because it's always hard to tell if your friends are going to enjoy something as much as you do!

*sigh*

So what now? Well, after a lot of thought (and I had plenty of time for that), I decided it was time to move out of Methley Place, much as I love the house. Dave has said not to feel rushed about it, it's not like he's kicking me out or anything. I understand that, but although I can look at him now and realise he's no longer my boyfriend, it's still going to be an emotional time for me for a while, and I need my space. So for me, the sooner the better. We've decided though that even when that happens, that we'll still make an effort to see each other now and again. I do still love him as my best friend, and considering he's the only one I have here, I don't want to lose that. Judging by the fact I still enjoyed the weekend and his company in Manchester, I know I'll be able to cope with it and get over the unfortunate situation. I just need time.

It really does feel surreal. I keep waking up thinking I had a nightmare and then the realisation hits and there's just this deep terrible sinking feeling. I hope it doesn't last too long. I'm sure that with work starting again, that'll help comfort me. The thing that gets me in the end, is just how much one change in life can affect everything.

Anyhow, I'm looking to find a place in Leeds to share with others. I've started the net search for available rooms in houses or flats. Even though I can afford to get a small flat for myself, I decided I'd rather find a share house for the simple reason that I need to really make an effort to establish more friendships. And I'm hoping to live with a few girls as I just have too many men in my life over here.

Then there's the issue of the car. As you know, Dave and I bought a car together just before I left. Again, after a lot of talk, we've come to the conclusion that it will be easier for Dave to give me the part I put in for the car, and I'll look for a new one. Until I find one, I'll use this one but obviously, that also depends on where I find a new home.

After I post this, I know I'm going to receive a billion sympathy emails. I don't want them. That's not what this is about and I learned a long time ago that it's just too easy to fall into the trap of self pity, and it's only ever landed me a harder time. That's not to say that I haven't felt sorry for myself, because I do have lapses where I feel that way. But what gets me going again is that things in my life have always turned out ok in the end, and I can see all the positives coming out of this. It's time to focus on myself again and I really have let myself go. Though I've been happy with work and friends, I haven't been happy with myself. I need to get fit again, and do the things I love to do. Before I came over I was in 3 jobs, I used to go to the gym almost everyday, I still had a social life, I had time to spend with Dave AND still spent time with the family. So why can't I do the same here? It's all about priorities and getting rid of excuses. So even though initially it all started out as being a time out for Dave, I can see how it's going to do me a world of good too.

x
Vanessa