I battled the positive symptoms
(a.k.a. the hallucinations) of an illness known
as schizoaffective disorder (a schizophrenia-spectrum
illness) for three years of my life, and Sublime
Madness is the true story of my experiences
with the illness with special focus on my actual
hallucinations. There are a few things that I want
you, kind reader, to know about my illness, before
you read Sublime Madness. First,
it’s common for the schizoaffective’s
hallucinations to be sexual. This, certainly, proved
to be true in my case. If sex or sexual perversion
(of an innocent nature) offends you, then you, probably,
shouldn’t read this book. Also, it’s
common for the skin tone of the schizoaffective
to change, when they’re hallucinating. I include
this fact, because I want you to know why my voices
so often chide me about being ‘yellow’
in the book. Finally, it’s very common for
the schizoaffective to have delusions of being reborn.
In my opinion, that’s why there are so many
of us in mental institutions who believe that we’re
Jesus Christ.
Once, during my longest period of psychoses (eight-months)
my friend, Larry, picked me up at my house late
into the evening. We went back to his apartment,
smoked some marijuana, and watched his big screen
TV, while the stereo played in the background. It
was a typical night. I remember everything that
happened in my head on that night, lucidly. My mind
created beautiful images to flow along with all
of the music that was playing on Larry’s stereo.
I remember that I didn’t get any sleep that
night, and Larry woke up in the wee hours of the
morning, pissed off, and wanted to take me home.
As Larry drove me back to my house, I was telepathically
communicating with everyone in traffic, and Larry
asked my why I had shaven my beard at his place.
I felt my cheeks. I was clean-shaven. I told him
that I must have shaven at home, before he had picked
me up the night before. Larry swore to me that I
was wearing a full beard, when we were hanging out
at his apartment on the previous night. At the time,
I didn’t believe him, but to this day, his
story stands firm. I don’t remember shaving
my beard over at Larry’s place that morning.
My memory of events in the real world during my
psychotic period is shoddy to say the least, but
my hallucinations stand out to me. Sublime
Madness is the true story of those hallucinations.
Ninety-five percent of the voices in this book are
written as they happened, word for word, and where
I have added something in to help the story along,
I have tried to remain as true to the original voices
as I possibly could. I did, however, take several
liberties with the real world events for two reasons.
First, I don’t remember them all that well
to begin with, and then, of course, I had to give
the book a little dramatic flare.
For example, Valentino’s, the restaurant portrayed
in the book, really is a restaurant that I worked
at in Manhattan. However, Tom and Stephanie, the
two central characters introduced at Valentino’s,
worked with me at a restaurant in Plano, Texas,
in real life, shortly after I had returned home
from New York. For the sake of continuity, I have
condensed the time frame that the real world events
and the voices occurred in. I have, also, molded
the real world events around the voices, so the
voices flow continuously and have the chance to
tell their own story. After all, the plot of Sublime
Madness all takes place in my hallucinations or
as I like to think of them, my subconscious imagination.
I’ve often thought that if a Hollywood movie
director could get an audience to feel the things
that I did, when I was psychotic, it would make
for one hell of a movie (it’s my dream to
have my hallucinations animated). This book is my
own attempt to do just that. Sublime Madness
is intended to entertain. I hope you enjoy your
read.
