~Dear God,
thank you for waking me up this morning...altho I think you made a mistake but then again I guess I shouldn't say that because you do not make mistakes. Sorry I take it back. But seriously tho'...do you think that maybe you could NOT wake me up next time? I honestly do not know why I even bother...I wake up to the same crazy life every-damned-day. It's never-ending. The pain is too much for me to handle. My mother always told me that God never gives more than we can handle but I'm starting to think that you made an exception in my case. I feel as if I only have one thing to be thankful for right now...and sometimes handling THAT can be hard. I'm trying God. Please...grant me strength and patience throughout this day. Amen.~
I feel the warm tears sliding down the side of my face as I open my eyes from saying my prayer. I'm feeling like shit right now as I try and let my eyes adjust to the bright light of the morning. Atleast I hope it's morning. Lately I've had the bad habit of sleeping til 3pm. Yes, I know...*I'm a bad bad person.*
It's so hard waking up everyday and going on. Atleast the nitemares are gone but, sometimes...randomly throughout the day I see the blood.
I whimper a little at the thought. My chest rises and falls and I try to choke back the tears that I know are coming. I open my eyes even wider, hoping it will stop the flow. The daylight is killing my eyesight.
*Who tha' fuck opened tha' damned curtains?*
I look straight up at the mirror over our bed that has completely taken over the ceiling. That was my idea when we got the house built. A perverted thought enters my mind and I smile but then I shake it out. Oh what the hell I might as well tell you...
I used to love looking up at the ceiling mirror when B and I would fuck.
It brought a strange rush I couldn't explain.
I quickly shake the thought....knowing we'll never have those moments again just makes me sick to my stomache. I just want to throw up. As I look up at the mirror I throw back the covers and examine my nude body. Yeah..uh huh...I sleep nude...and what??? So anyway, I'm thinking about getting a breast reduction or something.
My breasts are entirely too big. Shit I'M big. I think I've gained some weight.
I start to grab the flesh around my abdominal area...I feel my thighs and I become digusted. Dr. Gibson said this would happen. The medication she put me on would make me gain weight. I guess that's the price I gotta pay to be *Happy.* Fuck that I'm far from happy. I'll be happy when a fuckin' miracle happens and my husband is brought back to life. She also said that I looked fine and that the stupid eating disorder was going to make me feel as big as a house.
Fuck her she doesn't know what she's talking about. That woman is about the size of one of my thighs and her ass looks way too much like a wall. It's her job to say shit like that because she's a "Woman Doctor". I mean...think about it...that woman gets paid to stick her index and middle finger inside my pussy! I'm not getting shit outta it because I don't even dig girls! But whatever...speaking of pussy....
I look at myself through the mirror.
Time for another shave I guess. I look at my well pedicured feet and my red toenails. They look pretty. Check. Next my legs...they still look good considering I haven't touched a piece workout equipement in months...ok years. Nevertheless..they're still shapely. Hips...big as ever...I would turn over and try to look at my ass but I think that's going to be kinda hard to do. Tummy...eh. Need to work that. Breasts...hmmm, fine.
My skin still looks great. It's amazing what Avon Products can do for you. Oh and facials too. As I stare at the mirror once more my mind goes blank. I feel as if there's something I'm supposed to be doing but I don't remember what....
I guess I'm in pretty good shape for a mother.
*OMG THAT'S IT!
SHIT SHIT SHIT..FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!!* I say out loud.
*JUNIOR!!!*
I look over at the CD Alarm clock. *11.13am.* Shiiiiiit!!!!*
I throw on my terry cloth bathroom and rip across the room. Cursing in the process of course. My heart is racing. Here it is, I'm laying in bed playing with myself and being utterly depressed when I have a son that should have been in school hours ago!!! *
I'm such a bad mommy. I'm such a bad mommy!* I say to myself.
Something blue and white jumps in front of me and I run into it. It screams. I scream too. It's only the maid.
*Mrs.Demi what's wrong???!!! Are you ok? Is it another nightmare???!!!*
*Where tha' hell is J.R?!!!* I don't listen for her to answer.
I run across the enormous hallway and into his bright ass room. His race car bed is still unmade. I see covers and pillows on the floor as well. I'm very confused. Panicked I run downstairs.
*J.R???!!!* I run downstairs past the sculptures, past the ugly ass paintings that B insisted that we put up and past the huge cement Lion Head mom sent from China. I remind myself to remove it later. It scares the shit outta me. How would you like it if whenever you walked in the door you see some ugly shit like that all in your face??? Yeah...exactly.
So I run towards the living room and the maid that's in the kitchen sees me and I just KNOW she's thinkin' I'm a crazy bitch and that she better get a raise for all the hell I raise in this house. But fuck it's my house...I do what I want. Well actually it's B's house but whatever that's not the problem right now.
Pheeew finally.
I see our 5 yr old son J.R...sitting there in his 8-ball pj's with his game controller in his hand. He's a spitting image of his daddy too. The green eyes..the curly black hair...and that SKIN. He's going to be a heart breaker when he gets older. He's all calm and shit. Concentrating very hard at killing some zombie in a haunted house.
And I know I look crazy with my hair in my face but once again..that is not the point. But wait there's more...I see another little person...one other than my own oh wait..there's 2 noooo 3!
*J.R...what are you doing at home...you were supposed to be in school hours ago???* I manage to get out without sounding too winded.
His friends all look towards me and smile. I would smile back but...I just came close to a heart attack and my son is at home from school!!. See this is how it starts...they don't go to school and they become hoodlums and wear their pants all low and...and...rob old ladies and...and...*Ok So I'm over re-acting.*
*Mommy...it's summer time* He says to me very calmly without taking his eyes off the screen.
So yeah...here I am. Looking really dumb. So..I try a different approach.
*Uh...well uh...what are they doing here?! And who are they?* And why are they STARING at me like that, I ask myself.
He starts to look exasperated *Mommy, you remember Mike and them. You said I could have a sleep over when I asked you on Thursday. I can't believe you don't remember...they got here lastnite.* He says to me matter-of-factly. He's so well spoken.
Ok...different approach...
*Well, I don't remember. Ummm...I must have..*. My voice trails off. I know exactly what happened. That damned medication.
He turns to look at me with those soulful eyes. *It's Ok mommy. I know you weren't feeling well.* He smiles at me warmly. My heart melts.
I turn away from the living room slowly and walk towards the kitchen. As I walk away I hear one of his friends say...* You're mom is really crazy.*
I would turn around and say something but before I can I hear a crash and then a scream...then a cry. *Oh Lord* I pray.
I turn around to see J.R on top of Mike or whoever the ugly little kid is. Mike now has a bloody nose. The 3 other boys are sitting there looking dumb founded. I really don't want to do this right now...but whatever....I adjust my robe.
I storm back into the room. Push the button on the X-Box and turn off the T.V. and slam the cabinet doors on the wide-screen. I'm not furious but I need to make them believe I am.
In reality I'm too tired for this. As they hear the doors slam..it's like everything in the house stopped. I look dead at J.R. He doesn't say shit...just bites his lip and looks down at the Persian rug. Then I look at his ugly friend.
*No...I'm not crazy. I'm just a little sick..and I'm tired. As a 6 yr old I'm not sure if you understand this or not but it's hard not having a father figure around here.* I feel my heart pounding faster and faster in my chest and once again I feel myself choking back tears...but I go on...
* I don't know if anyone has ever told you that it's not nice to say things like that to ppl or ABOUT people. Now, I want all of you little boys OUT of my house. I'm calling parents.*
I'm expecting J.R to protest but again he doesn't say anything. So I tell them to go upstairs and gather their things. I tell the nanny to get the numbers and help them with their things. The boys look really sad.
I take J.R by the hand and take him to the kitchen with me and I set him on the counter.
I don't say anything. I'm not exactly sure what I want to say to him. It'll come I guess.
I can feel his eyes on me as I turn to the refridgerator.
*Did you eat yet?* I ask without looking at him.
*Ummm...I had ice cream.* he answers quietly. I swear...kids are soooo weird sometimes. ICE CREAM??? *Nanna gave it to me.*
*Yeah? Well Nanna is stupid.* Upon saying that I want to take it back. I don't really like saying things like that around him...I don't want him to think it's ok to say that to others. Oh and Nanna is the other housekeeper that looked at me funny. I do not like her.
I find myself about to make him his favorite...chocolate chip pancakes and some weird sausage that he likes...I can never pronounce the name but hey...he likes it. I think it tastes like shit so I just fix myself a cumberland sausage.
As we sit down at the dining room table I make sure that he sits next to me and not alllll the way down at the other end how B used to do. That used to irritate me but B said it made him feel like a king. I smile at the thought.
*Mommy are you mad at me? * He takes a huge bit out of his pancakes. He is soooo adorable. I just wanna pinch him.
*No honey, I'm not mad at you. I'm a little disappointed though. What's gotten into you lately sweetie? This isn't like you. You already know how I feel about violence and fighting.* I say calmly. I wait for a response..none. So I go on.
*And then last week when I took you to the mall...you pitched a fit and copped an attitude...which by the way you still never told me why. Oh and then you threw something at Nanna last Monday.*
*It was just an eraser.* He answered.
*J.R it doesn't matter what it was...you just don't throw things at people.....what am I telling you all of this for? You already know how to act. Just recently you started acting up what's going on???* I look at him intently but he isn't looking at me. It's times like this when I really need B. He died before J.R was even born. I didn't even know I was pregnant until about a month after he died. Sometimes I wonder if J.R is angry because he isn't around...
*nothing* He mumbles under his breath. I can barely hear him.
*What? Brandon R. Martin Jr. LOOK at me when I'm speaking to you.* I didn't mean to raise my voice. I hate doing that. I hardly ever have to...but lately...damn.
My heart breaks.
*I said "nothing" *. He looks up at me and I see the tears in his eyes. He'd been crying. My heart breaks again. * Oh Lord.* I pray. I find myself having to do that lately. I bring J.R's chair closer to mine and I scoop him up into my arms. I can feel his little body just trembling. Then came the sniffles and the whimpers and the hiccups.
With him still in my arms I take him up to his room and close the door. I don't say anything. I just wait til he's ready to talk. All I can do it kiss his forehead and play in his hair. Which by the way...is in desperate need of a stylist.
*I miss daddy.* He finally says with a small voice. I try not to look directly in his face because I KNOW that he's looking at me with those liquid eyes. So I just look straight ahead at the enormous 6x6 poster of B. It was originally just a regular pic but one day I was showing J.R a bunch of pictures of B and he found one that he really liked. So I took it to Kinkos and I blew the picture up into a poster and gave it to him as a B-day present. He was ecstatic. The picture wasn't anything special. It was just a picture I took of B when he took me down to the beach in PR. He did look sort of angelic tho..with his white shorts and his white *beater* on. His eyes and hair glistened and most of all his necklace of the cross. So...I dunno.
* I miss him too * I finally say with my eyes still on the poster. Finally I just give in and look J.R in his eyes. * I love you sweetie.*
* I love you too mommy *
I look around the room and it's a mess. I guess all the money in the world couldn't get the maid to come in here.
*Sweetie why don't you go take your bath and then we can figure out something to do together later OK?* I say putting him down. I begin to pick up his covers and fold them and make his bed.
* Ok. * He says with a small smile. Next thing I know his shirt is on the floor and he rips into the bathroom. I hear the bath water running. But before he totally disappeared I noticed something gleaming around his neck.
*J.R? Could you come here for a second please?* I call to him from where he left his shirt. He sticks his head out of the batthroom slighty. My heart skips a beat as I see B's cross necklace hanging from around J.R's neck. I don't think he notices me looking because he's still looking at me blankly. I tell him never mind and head towards my own room.
I peel of my robe and hop in the shower myself. As the hot water washes over me...my mind begins to race again.
That necklace was the very same one that B wore when he was alive. I know that's the one. I also know that B was buried with that necklace...