The following is a primer for the canon of the Alias television show. This is going to get confusing – here’s how these people should REALLY be. Your job is to glean from these bare descriptions the irony of the fact that their roles are whacked out in my fic. God help you.

1. Michael Vaughn – CIA goody two-shoes, married to Lauren Reed, deep UST type angst between he and Sydney. He was her handler when she was a double agent from SD-6 for the CIA. They were lovers until she mysteriously disappeared for two years.

2. Sark – Highly dangerous, no known affiliations, recently released from CIA custody and kidnapped by The Covenant, a terrorist organization who he doesn’t seem to like working for. Has strange chemistry with Syd, in a Season 1 Spike/Buffy kind of way. Mortal enemies, and all that. Worked with/for Syd’s mom, Irina Derevko. Cocky, British, son-of-a-bitch.

3. Jack Bristow – Syd’s dad. Best dad ever. Period. Also highly dangerous, but will stop the rotation of the earth before he will let anyone mess with his daughter. Also did the SD-6/CIA double agent thing.

4. Sydney Bristow – Our Very Conflicted Heroine. Fluent in over a dozen languages, can kill people with her bare hands, etc etc. Mistress of disguise. Everyone she sleeps with dies. Usually.

5. Eric Weiss – CIA Agent. Requisite Best Friend to Vaughn, though more recently he’s been Sydney’s defender as well. Not good for very much, but highly entertaining.

6. Arvin Sloane – Highly dangerous, former leader of terrorist organization SD-6. Also called Creepy Uncle Arvin for his ability to enforce Inappropriate Touching in the worst possible moments. Obsessed with the Rambaldi Prophesies. Syd hates him. Jack hates him. You should hate him too.

7. Lauren Reed – NSC Agent. British? Australian? French? Ever shifting accent. Vaughn’s wife. Sydney wants to hate her, but, really, she hasn’t done anything wrong.

8. Marshall Flinkman – Former SD-6 agent, converted to CIA. Tech-ops geek. Stuttering, bumbling, flat-on-his-ass in every aspect of life. He makes the pretty toys.

9. Marcus Dixon – Current CIA director. Used to be Sydney’s partner. Sloane blew up his wife in a car. That was sad. Now he’s an emotionless badass playing for the good team.

10. Will Tippin – Sydney’s very nosy best friend, worked for the CIA for a while after he figured out that Syd was CIA. Then he dated ‘Francie’, and eventually ended up in witness protection. Poor guy.

11. Francie Calfo – Sydney’s other best friend. Ran a restaurant, got shot in the head, was replaced by Allison Doren. Doren is all cold and evil and, apparently, Sark’s lover. Though neither of them seem terribly thrilled by that prospect. Also, she still looks like Francie. And has been killed 3 times. Rather inconvenient.