Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 2:22 AM BST

I don't know about you, but while I give good email, on the phone, I flop all over the place like a fish on dry land.
Then again, it's hard to make small talk when you're trying to decide between brands of cereal.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 4:24 AM BST

ok, I admit it, I've actually *written out* what I wanted to say before I made a call so as to avoid randomly bursting out into song or interjecting with comments like "I like monkeys".

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 7:21 AM BST

I'm okay on the phone until Ruprecht the Unstrokable jumps on my lap then it's;
'Hi, (gerrof). Have you..(Purr purr)..Can I make a...(argh claws!) I'm free on the.. (and no don't knead my)...no not you..'
and so on

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 7:50 AM BST

I think I was a little too result-focussed, and forgot she actually has to like me, rather than just agree to more minutes spent in the company of an inarticulate lunatic who likes London forests and supermarkets.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 8:06 AM BST

But not parks.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 9:24 AM BST

I do the same. I hate it. You end up only coming across as a non-loon when you're completely disinterested. Works in normal face2face chatups too.
So you end up only pulling people you're not interested in.
And the ones you're interested in end up with people who're not interested in THEM.

Being a human sucks.

For the rest of this week, I am going to experiment with being a newt.

They always look happy, splapping around in their little ponds and things.
And they've got that whole frilled thing going on.
On the downside, there's the risk people could get the impression my sexuality's maybe a bit... amphibious.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 9:35 AM BST

>i'm in a supermarket

Could have been worse...

"I'm on the blog"

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 1:24 PM BST

What if famous newt collector Ken starts interfering with you?

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 3:00 PM BST

Oh God that was just too familiar. I was actually cringing as I read that.

Lovely.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 5:41 PM BST

Probably there aren't any parks in London. Whereas there are countless forests, of course. And it's a rare corner of London where you can while away a pleasant evening in a supermarket, mentioning that three times will certainly not have made me sound like one of those unshaven crazies escaped from a care home who hang around the potted meats hoping drop a jar of pickled carrots, or find a friend.
Oh God! Why did I ring at all?!

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 5:42 PM BST

Only today have I learnt that you're not exaggerating, Belle.
Oh god, I wish jatb weren't on holiday, she could tell me what to do. Run and hide for several months, change my name and live in Patagonia, probably.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 5:45 PM BST

Thank god there's an illiterate social dysfunctional separated at birth twin of mine somewhere. Can I pretend it was you ringing up on my behalf? Failing that, can you find me a girlfriend?
(I actually tidied it up a little and made it sound less excruciatingly full of pauses than it was)

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 6:42 PM BST

But you got a date, so mission accomplished.

I always make the blokes do all the talking.

Which explains why I don't get out much.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 7:18 PM BST

noo it's worse when you rehearse small talk, listen to her intently, and then, when it comes to arranging something, completely lose the ability to speak, followed by many toe curling minutes of silence.

actually, no, yours is worse. Ring next week, prepare the phone call, be confident, and pretend the last one was perfectly sane and normal.

oh, I should write a book. Top Tip! There is no difference between pretending to be self-confident and being self-confident. None at all. Just pretend you are a confident person, and you are.

That's #9.99 please.

Thursday, 29 April 2004 - 11:46 PM BST

It really could have been worse. You could have called her from the porcelain whilst blogging, texting, and exposing yourself to the neighborhood.

Cheer up. She's probably grinning about how cute and nervous you were.

No parks in London??? Seemed like there were endless miles of them when I visited. I walked Hyde from the Arch to Kennsington Palace (I think) and it took me three and a half weeks, as I recall...

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:10 AM BST

You can't do that with girls, you'd all just sit around till you're sixty, being passive intensely at each other. Someone has to get up and make the first move, and it's pretty much *always* not them.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:11 AM BST

Get me through the next phone call, and the cheque's in the mail.
(got a text; the repeated references to supermarkets were mentioned)

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 12:14 AM BST

Yeah, you're right. *that*s how much of a dyamn fool comment it was.

Hey, nudist phone calls are allowed! Pooing on the phone is allowed, even (as long as there's no flush or confession)

Not that ... erm ... I ... er ... ever do that. But I defend my right to try it one day. When I'm eighty-five.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 1:53 AM BST

oh my... Yes, I hate those phone calls.. I'm currently pondering upon one myself lol... BUT

There's a very good chance that she thought you were nervous and a little shy, and so now finds you even cuter... She sent you a text, didn't she?? She didn't *have* to do that....

Another 'top top':

Think 'friends', 'friends', 'friends'. If you convince yourself that there's no chance of getting any further, then you'll be more yourself when you phone, which is always good for not sounding like a pillock on temazepan. (or however you spell it). Then, you magically throw away the idea that she's just a friend as soon as you walk in the bar to meet her. She's already there then - and can't get away so easily...

And if you want my top chat up line, then I'll tell you it - but I dont' know what I want to be paid yet.. It's top secret - never fails - I promise ya! lol (offers welcome)

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:16 AM BST

What? I have to do more chatting up? I thought that was it, and I could be sullen as I like from hereonin. That's how it works in long term relationships...

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:35 AM BST

Yah, that's one of the gender roles (whether it's nature or nurture, i dunno) that I fully exploit. Passively.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 9:17 AM BST

Oh, I wouldn't think of it as 'chatting up' so to speak.. Just as being witty and charming and beautiful and irresistable... Or just 'being yourself'.. Cool, calm and casual until she's screaming "I WANT YOU I WANT YOU - HAVE MY BABIES!!" At which point you're perfectly justified in humping and dumping her - in quick succession.. ;op

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 2:44 PM BST

lp, I told you, walking into a bar and shouting "I've got great norks!" isn't a chat-up line!

although it probably is quite succesful. :P

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 2:49 PM BST

pish easy, be decisive - "Hi, how are you, would you like to go to [bar that does food/cinema] tonight? about 8? Great, see you then"

(Cinema's good, because you can talk about the film afterwards)

make sure you have wine in the flat. I swear by wine, because then you can say at any point "well, we could always go back to mine, I've got a bottle in the fridge"

although this does not work when you live with your parents.
because they drink the wine the minute you turn your back.

It also may not work with people who do not drink.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:25 PM BST

If you can back it up.....

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:29 PM BST

>I thought ... I could be sullen as I like from hereonin.

spot on, vanessa. it's called "hereonin chic"

it's all the rage in the smarter set

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:31 PM BST

o the shame, the secret shame. you have rumbled me -- that is my goal

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:36 PM BST

>people who do not drink

but then, if she doesn't drink, you wouldn't want to have anything to do with her anyway, right? clearly defective.

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:38 PM BST

shouldn't that be "if you have the front"?

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:41 PM BST

> For the rest of this week, I am going to experiment with being a newt.

so far, so good

[splap]

Friday, 30 April 2004 - 7:47 PM BST

Hmm.
How about turning it into a running joke? Just fess up immediately you meet her, how you had a sudden brain lockup when you rang and so on. Then the next time you ring up to chat up, lead off with "fancy a trip to the forest?" or "i was in the supermarket and i thought of you"