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For the Children of Phil and Misty Hardin

Many people have asked us about our failed pregnancies. Some want to know dates, names, and other things. So I decided to put it all on this website so that our friends and family can know our children.

First let me say, for those who do not know, we have had so many miscarriages that we have lost track of the number. Basically, we have been trying for a baby since about two months after we got married. I have not known every time I was pregnant, I'm sure there were times I was only a month or so along, and lost the baby, and did not know about it. But using the best of my memory, I have taken at least 7 but not more that 12 pregnancy tests that were positive in the last 5 years.

~The baby we did not name~
This was a pregnancy that I did not know about. I just woke up one morning in pain and bleeding. I went to the hospital and the doctor did an ultrasound. He said that there had been a "fetus" (as he so callously called it) and that it had died. We were told that I had a lining of scar tissue in my uterous, from all of the previous miscarriages that went untreated. I would need to have a DNC and clean out my system for the next pregnancy. I guess I did not feel an attachment to that baby, but just a sadness that I never got to know him or her.

~Kalysta Butterfly Hardin~

I knew I was not ready to become pregnant, so I didn't have the DNC right away. We decided to put it off because at the time we did not have insurance. Phil had just started his job at True and we would get the insurance soon. But not soon enough. Three months after the miscarriage, I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter, Kalysta. I went to my OBGYN and had an ultra sound at 12 weeks. From what he could tell, the baby was a female, and was in good health. The only problem was the lining of tissue I had was right in the middle of my uterous. He said that the baby would not live past 4 or 5 months, because she did not have enough room. He suggested an abortion. AN ABORTION? To save me from any pain? NO WAY! I did not know what God had planned. I could never order a doctor to kill Phil's and my child! If God wanted her then he had to take her.

I remember clear as day the first time I felt her move. I was with Adam and my little sister, Sarah on a road trip to Tennisee. We were in the hotel room, and all of a sudden, KICK! KICK KICK KICK! I grabbed Sarah's hand and put it on my belly. We both laughed. And then cried.

While I was pregnant with her I craved fried chicken and pickles. I had gone to fright fest at Six Flags with Phil, Adam, and Heather in October, and I wanted 4 pickles on a stick!

On September 12, 2003, she died. Her birthday (as I call it) would have been February 12, 2004. She was five months to the day when she died. To make matters worse, while I was in the ER who should happen to wheel his pregnant girlfriend past my room? Josh Walker's daughter was born on the day that ours died. (For anyone who doesn't know who Josh Walker is, he is the guy who was convicted of Abuse of a Minor child, my niece Jasalynn. He was the reason that Jasalynn was ripped from our lives.)

Her name means "Most beautiful butterfly" and God
holds her in Heaven today.

This is Kalysta's song.

A hundred days had made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don�t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I�m dreaming of your face

I�m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I�m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it�s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated
but I hope it gets better as we go

I�m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I�m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it�s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won�t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it�s all said and done
it get hard but it won�t take away my love

I�m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I�m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it�s only you and me

~Zachary Amos Hardin~

I became pregnant with Zachary soon after that. We were so excited! After my last miscarriage my body had cleaned itself out. There was no tissue left after the DNC was done.

On Aril 9th, 2004 I went in for my ultrasound. I was so at ease. I changed into the scratchy paper gown and anxiously awaited the doctor. He came in, all smiles, and set up the sonogram machine. As he moved around on the screen, I cought a glimpse of a baby. Then, suddenly, he moved the screen out of my view. I was silent. I stared at his face, waiting for him to say something. He started at the screen for what seemed like forever. Then he turned it off, said, "Alright. Go ahead and get dressed and we'll talk in a minute."

He came back in the room a few minutes later and said, "I'm not hopeful." My heart sank. What was wrong now?? He told me that the baby was severely deformed and would not live much longer. I didn't understand. It took at least 10 minutes for the shock to sink in. I remember sitting there, hearing his voice talking to me, but I don't remember a word he said. I got in my car and started driving. I had this strong urge to drive into traffic, the river, anything. So I drove to Phil's factory and had him paged. He came out and I told him the devistating news. I don't even really remember anything that he said. All I know is that he got his lunch box and took me home. A few days later, on the 11th, I had the miscarriage. The following day I was to have the DNC. Phil and my mother were both there. While I was under, I was dreaming that was giving birth. How cruel! I awoke to find Philip hovering over me. I was groggy and disoriented. I asked him, "Where is the baby?" Confusion registered on his face, then a sadness. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to send me into panic, but by not responding that is what he did. I kept asking "What's wrong with the baby? Where is the baby?" Finally I calmed down enough. I was quiet for a while as my mind cought up with my body. Then I remembered that the baby was dead.
Zachary Amos Hardin died on 4-11-04 and his "birthday" would have been July 21. He was almost 6 months when he died. His name means "God remembers the troubled"

This is Zachary's Song

Not A Day Goes By

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me,
with your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by


~False pregnancy~
While Philip and I were seperated this past year, we still pretty much saw each other 2-5 times a week. At least once a week, in the Biblical sense. I became pregnant, or so I thought. My belly was growing. I was sick all the time. The pregnancy test was positive. So I went for an ultra sound. It turned out that I had a "sack" for a 20 week old baby, but there was no baby. He called it a blighted ovum. This is caused by a sperm and an egg meeting, and (not in medical terms) the sperm "changes its mind" and falls off. My body then thought that a baby was growing, so prepared a room for a baby. But no baby had ever showed up. =( So I was told that a "miscarriage" would happen soon. I don't really remember dates for this pregnancy. But I know I was in college at the time, so it had to be between August and December of 04.

It was after this miscarriage that Phil and I had some blood work done, to see if there was a problem with him, me, or a mixture of the two.
It turned out that the problem was me. My body sees a pregnancy and thinks it's an infection, so it attacks it and eventually kills it. I have something called PCO (Pollysystic ovarian disease) I have a higher miscarriage rate than the normal female. But if I take this medication called "Glukeophage" then I have a lower micarriage rate than anyone else. So I started taking it about May of 05.

~Jadam Robert Hardin~

In late November of 05 I knew I was pregnant. I was excited, and scared to death. But I knew I had been taking that medicine. I waited another month, and told Philip of my pregnancy the day before new years. We were both thinking the same thing. We wished that we had been more careful. We were scared. Worried. Skeptical. My belly grew and I could no longer hide the pregnancy from people who saw me on a regular basis. In early January I started letting people know about the baby. My doctor was worried about my blood pressure, it was getting dangerously high and he wanted me to think about going on bed rest. But we had just bought this new car, and I didn't want to put the responsibility of it on Phil. On Wednesday, January 25th, I had an ultrasound. I had this monitor attached to me that let us hear the heartbeat. He sounded like he was desperatley trying to kick his way out, which made us laugh. The doctor said that he was smaller than he should be, and contributed that to my blood pressure. He said that he wanted to take some blood. I came home and made a basket for Philip. It had a baby book, a bib that said, "I love my daddy" and some baby caps that said "It's a boy" I also had framed the ultrasound picture from that day. Phil came home and found the basket, and he was so happy! I think there were even some tears in his eyes.

On Thursday I got a call from the doctor's office. I was to go to Saint John's in Saint Louis for more tests.

When I got there we could still hear a heartbeat and a small amount of movement, but there was some blood. I sat in the cold, lonley room alone and waited a while more. After two hours the doctor came in and hooked up the ultrasound machine. We looked on the screen. The heartbeat machine was hooked up, but there was no sound coming from it. The doctor said to me, "The fetus isn't alive, I'm sorry."

After being unhooked from all the machines, the doctor came back into the room to explain it to me. He said that my blood pressure was too high. Something about my heart rate constricting veins or something. I don't know what exactly he said, I was in a daze. I just told him that I had no reason to live. I was in the hospital for a few days. On Friday I had the DNC alone, I did not want any company.

Jadam Robert Hardin died on January 26th, 2006. His birthday is June 5, 2006. He was almost 5 months. His name is a mixture of some of the men in my life that I love. J is for Joshua Younkin, adam is of course for Adam Younkin, and Robert is a mixture of my dad's middle name (Dad Younkin) and Phil's brother's first name.

This is Jadam's song

Dancing with the angels

Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I'd do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can't get you out of my mind
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

Chorus:
You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

Chorus

Bridge:
We're only here for such a short time
SO I'M GONNA STAND UP
SHOUT OUT
AND SING HALLELUJAH
AND ONE DAY I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN


Chorus:
You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels



I have written this all out very matter of factly. Perhaps because I have not yet sat and wailed my heart out over Jadam yet, and I am making this website less than a week after losing him. My heart is broken, and so is Phil's. He told me that on Friday when I was in the hospital, he was filled with so much emotion. Sadness, pain, and rage. I need him to feel that with me, it is too much for one parent to bare.

To our friends and family members, we hope you will remember our children with us on their special dates. On their birthdays and on the days they died I light a candle for them, and cry.

Some people don't know what to say, and that's alright. It bothers me when someone doesn't know what to say, and then just says whatever comes to mind. If you don't know what to say to us, just tell us you're sorry for our loss. Don't tell me that God has a plan. Don't tell me it's not the right time for us to have children. Don't tell me to keep my faith in God. I know all of these things, and they do not make losing a child any easier. You can hug either of us. You can give us a pat on the shoulder. You can tell us that you're there for us, and that you're sorry. We appreciate all of your love and support. Below is the ultrasound of our son, Jadam. I had one for Kalysta, but on my trip to Oregon a few years ago I had a backpack stolen, and it had my Bible with the picture inside of it!

Email: phil_hardin16@yahoo.com