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mythoughts
Sunday, 29 October 2006
Another quiet night


another quiet night . . .
Current mood: complacent

It's 1:43 a.m., and I'm up again, can't seem to sleep. Too much on my mind, sometimes I wish I could just turn off my thoughts so that I can rest, but people like me "survivors" our minds just keep going. Sometimes I feel like crying and I just don't want to stop. I'm not sad or angry for any particular reason, maybe I'm must missing something or someone in my life, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something that "should of" happened. I'm 31 and a single mother of a child that doesn't live with me full time and I miss him terribly. He went to a Halloween party and I just wish I was there to just see him smile and laugh. I got to talk to a really good friend that helped me realize something tonight. I didn't realize my weight was an issue that was deeper than hunger. When you lose someone in death it changes you, changes your perspective on people, life and definitely about love. I didn't realize that gaining weight was my way of venting my anger and hurt so I decided to get back the "old" me. I don't want to be skinny, but I want to be thinner than I am now and happier, if I can't be happy where I am at now, might as well change it, right? It's funny cause I know that once I get to my goal weight, the guys that dumped me for my weight now, don't bother chatting with me. If you don't like me now then you won't like me later. I decided to love myself more and demand my needs as well. In the next year or so, my life will be changing alot of new projects will be happening for me, but even with the good opportunities that will make life easier for me, sometimes I do miss being in love and feeling my heart skip a beat. If you have seen the movie: "The Notebook", then you know the energy the two lovers had in that movie, that's the energy I want and miss. I see these jokes about what "women" want in a man through these bulletins and the funny part is I don't care about a man's salary, his car, or his you know . . . I'm just looking for a guy that doesn't see me as "damaged or lost cause" because of my past, otherwise I would not be known as a "Survivor". Anyway, I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd share my thoughts. If you had any feedback, you are welcome to post. . . .

Thanks for listening,

Posted by blog/onevoice at 12:01 AM
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Friday, 27 October 2006
The New Me


The new me . . .

I'm not sure where to begin and I've never really shared my thoughts online, so I guess there's a first time for everything. . . Lately, I've been going through ALOT in the last few months, some down but it's definitely getting much better as days go by. I reunited with an old high school sweetheart that I had loved for many years and assumed that things were going to be just wonderful, until I found out he was married w/ kids. I cried and cried and moved on to work on my project (MASIE), a non-profit I launched on my own since 2001. Although moving on from a broken heart wasn't as easy as I had hoped so I went on a dating frenzy and met a few guys here and there that didn't really catch my vibe. I met a guy that I thought we are way too much alike, hate to be wrong, impatient and stubborn as hell. Well after a few dates I discovered we were better off as just friends. In the past month, I've been touring for my public speaking and had my mind on other agendas. Having to spend my time on public speaking and 'saving' the world has really helped my broken heart. I do think of him from time to time and wish at least we could've left off being friends if nothing else, but I doubt that could even happen. The main thing is, I realized something . . . that no matter what happens and how many people there are that dislikes me or is envious of my strength, I will always rise above. I'm making new plans for myself, like eating healthier, working out and getting involved in things that I've wanted to do for a long time like: music, art, drama, and poetry. I'm so excited for the new change and looking forward to a new me. I just thought I'd share to all of you faithful bloggers LOL. I'm going to leave this for now and if you want to send me kudos, go right ahead!

Always,
Kim

Posted by blog/onevoice at 12:01 AM
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Wednesday, 30 August 2006
Emotional Exhaustion
Mood:  don't ask
It's 11:19 a.m. and I am here at Borders in the downtown area. It's nice to be out of the house when I want to. Not that I was tide down or anything, but today I've been feeling blah and irritable. I kept thinking about my short lived romance with Skip, Sachiko screwing me over, the Fiscal Sponsor & the consultants, on top of that my flash backs that I still haven't been able to get rid of, the thought of my dad's illness and his death can happen anytime soon and afraid I won't be there to say goodbye and Rick Phillips who's an editor for KoreAm that wants to do a movie about my life and the upcoming conference that will be held in October 19-21st in Mankato, MN. This is alot to process and I want to scream! I want to talk to someone and vent, but I don't want to hear any positive reinforcements, it's not that I don't believe in them it's that I know myself better than anyone. I'm not going to quit or try to commit suicide or anything, I just want to vent without being judged!!! Is there anything wrong with that???? I feel so emotionally exhausted and I'm tired of talking to various people and hear people say: "You're better than that, don't let it get to you, I can't believe you're not over him, You'll rise above this don't worry." I can't take it anymore! I want to cry I want to scream and vent and say, "No More!" So what if I don't want to be a pioneer for other survivors? I'm literally too damn tired to go on. What I don't get is, why is it that I'm strong enough to get out of an abusive situation and reclaim my life, but I can't get anyone to want to be with me? Why is my personal life so chaotic? I'm 31 years old and I have nothing to show for in my life, never graduated from H.S., didn't attend a University, I had one boy and one girl, but neither I got to parent or to keep, my non-profit is falling apart and I fall in love with all the WRONG guys!!! I am sooo tired that I really NEED a vacation but without sex, hidden agendas, and without a man wanting to take an interest in me. I just want to go somewhere and just be at peace. Well, I don't know what else to say, so I'll close before I regret something later. Thank you for allowing me to share . . .

Always,
Me

Posted by blog/onevoice at 5:41 AM
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Monday, 28 August 2006
A lesson learned. . .
Mood:  a-ok
Hi there it's 6:06 p.m. and I'm at the coffee shop typing up my story. Before I begin my rant I want to give you an update of what's been going on. I arrived back to MN from Deer Park, TX on August 3, 2006; since then I had a meeting with my consultant in regards of the next step with the non-profit. Then the next thing I knew I got a call from Metro State University in regards of a client that I've been financially assisting. There's been some conflicting issues in regards of her statement and mine, however she told a different story to her Administrative people at the school she attends along with my consultant who happens to be her professor and also my Fiscal Sponsor. I got an e-mail last week on Friday, not this past Friday but before it. It's been putting me on the edge lately and so today, I walked in the office to confront them what had happened. We're going to continue to have an additional meeting sometime this week so we'll just have to see how it pans out, on the upside to all of this drama, I got an e-mail and a phone call from Rich Phillips from KoreAm which is a magazine journal based out in Los Angeles and he's also a producer for Sundance films, he was so intrigued with my survival story that he wants to do a movie on it, so I've been hanging out in coffee shops to type up my story. I still want to manage my non-profit, but I don't feel as if I'm receiving the support I'm looking for here in Minnesota and since there's been some past issues in regards of me and the system it hasn't been getting better. I do plan to move out of state soon and maybe just let the non-profit fall as it may and just remove myself from the confliction of things. The last thing I need right now is additional drama on top of the one I deal with everyday. As far as my sleep pattern it's been up and down, I wish it would stay consistent for longer than a few days. Trust me I do miss sleep, everytime I close my eyes I get flashes of my abuse, the trafficking, and for some odd reason Skip. I get up and get a drink (water of course) then I jump online and from there I'm awake. I didn't go to bed until 6:30 a.m. this morning and woke up about 12 noon to 1 p.m. So I had about 6.5 hours of sleep. I hope I'll be tired tonight to fall asleep. Well, just thought I'd jump in to share some thoughts of mine. Thank you again for reading.

Always,
Me!

Posted by blog/onevoice at 12:24 PM
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Monday, 17 July 2006
Finding my soulmate?
Mood:  down
It's 1:17 a.m. and I am currently in Deer Park, TX. About a month and a half ago, I reconnected with a jr. school classmate who I had a secret crush for years, well once we got connected everything was going so fast that I saw past the red flags, on June 23rd, he flew me from MN to TX to come and be with him, which I did without hesitation. I loved him, I truly loved him. I actually thought he had plans for divorce as he told me and that our love would be the classic fairy tale romance of old love reconnecting, well that situation was very short lived, I got to stay in his apartment for nearly a month until he did a 180 on me. Told me that his feelings for me were never true and treated me as though it was my fault for falling in love with him. I couldn't understand what had went wrong? I was so surprised with his behavior. Earlier he was compassionate, loving, caring, and very attached and romantic. Within a flip of a switch he was extremely hateful and disgusting, it was almost as if I had met his evil twin. I looked in his eyes the last time as he demanded me to get out of TX, since he was the one that flew me here in the first place, I never saw so much hate in his eyes, I became afraid. Before that evening, I kept hoping I was just in a terrible nightmare and that all this would soon fade, but that evening, all I could think about is his hate. I didn't want to believe it. The only memory I have of him is the pain of lies and how he broke my heart. I gave him my last breathing heart and now I have become hesitant to open up to another man. I know life isn't fair, but sorry guys, I'm afraid to love again. The other day, I thought I'd do another search for another classmate of mine, "Joey Williams" a boy I had a secret crush as well, I think I found him on myspace and I was so surprised to see that he hasn't been married, no kids but would like some and that he's still searching for his soulmate? I don't know what to think anymore, my heart is still in so much pain. Joey and I spent alot of time together in the 5th grade, more times than Skip and I and I should've gone with my gutt feeling to just keep Skip as a casual friend and go find Joey. There was something between us even though we never uttered a word. I am waiting to hear his response and I pray that it is him. For now I will let you go.

Goodnight,
Me

Posted by blog/onevoice at 7:37 PM
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Thursday, 1 June 2006
Old feelings resurfacing
Mood:  lyrical


Tonight has been the first time I have felt happy and I mean genuwinely happy in a long long time. I got to re-kindle my friendship with two important people in my life. My old friend Sherry & an old secret crush I had with Norman aka: Skip. I got to e-mail and chat with them both and I laughed and reminised with them the old times. The thing I can't seem to shake off is that I'm actually chatting with Skip. I didn't know he had feelings for me and he didn't know either, but for over 15 years our constant wonder about each other brought us together tonight. The only down fall is that he's married and well, I didn't mention to him about my ex-boyfriend, who somewhat still lives with me. The more I look at Kyle the more I am certain that Kyle isn't the one. I do believe in my heart of hearts that I am staying with him because of financial reasons and for suppression purposes, before I knew my heart could feel again. The only thing I fear is that the one man I had wondered and dreamed of loving knows nothing about my life in the trafficking trade. To develop a personal relationship with such trauma can be scary, but I pray that he isn't afraid of loving me back. For once, I want to truly be happy. I'm still stressed about the bills, but for today the laughter and chatting with to of my closest friends made me forget the problems for a moment and that felt good. I just had to share this feeling tonight before I was off to bed! Thank you for listening, always!

Goodnight,
Me!

Posted by blog/onevoice at 5:12 PM
Updated: Sunday, 11 June 2006 9:32 AM
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Thursday, 11 May 2006
Recovering from a Major Fatigue
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: My thoughts


It's 5:11 a.m., most of the time I'm still awake at this point, but surprisingly I just got up. I went to bed around 6 p.m. and got up at 5 this morning. I was so extremely tired. I was sick all week last week before I left to Los Angeles, and then I was sick when I came back. I could've canceled my flight, but I wasn't the one that paid for it, so in a way I couldn't. I'm doing much better except for this major fatigue that I wish I could get rid of. I haven't been receiving a whole lot of calls in regards of my show being aired last week, but oh well maybe it was good that it didn't. Plus, I'm far from being ready to handle high call volumes anyways. I finally got my pens!!! Now, I just need to sell them to get some funding for my non-profit. I have to drop off the phone bill for Robin to sign the checks. I'll need to meet with Sachiko or at least talk to her about the money situation and etc. I'm so far behind that it's depressing me. My money order for Erin hasn't reached to her and she's been so ever patient and I feel so bad. At least I can send her the box and the pens, and she can use that to sell the church for funding opportunity. Hopefully something will work out, it just have to. I know that God didn't bring me this far and just dumped me. Well, I'm going to brew me a cup of coffee and start my day! I will chat with you later and thank you for listening!

Always,
Me

Posted by blog/onevoice at 11:24 PM
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Friday, 5 May 2006
Returning home
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: My thoughts
Right now it's 2:51 a.m. central time, which is actually 12:51 a.m. western time. I'm up as usual and this is my last evening in Los Angeles, CA. I got to do some shopping and walking around as well as get through two seperate interviews and such. I'm making plans to come back to LA and make it more of a vacation. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to meet up with a specific person here in CA, but oh well if she's serious about volunteering she'll call I suppose. It just irritates me that someone would call for an interest to volunteer and not return my calls. I got alot of web hits since the Montel show, but not alot of calls that I expected. Maybe, this was good? I still need to do alot of work and keep it going. I am seriously thinking about transferring the headquarter office from MN to LA. I really like it here and the people appear to be alot more friendlier and less two-faced. I just can't stand MN. I can't really pin-point what it is, but I just don't like it. I'll be flying back tomorrow in the afternoon, so I'll be watching some movies that I purchased. Once I get home, I'm going to sell the moves and probably get 1/2 back from the value price. Oh well, it's better than nothing. Well, I don't know what else to say, but I just feel sad all of a sudden. Hopeful things will lighten up. I'm going to get ready for bed. Chat with you soon!

Goodnight,
Me

Posted by blog/onevoice at 8:59 PM
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Monday, 1 May 2006
Getting Ready
Topic: My thoughts


It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm up as usual. You'll be glad to hear I'm not as depressed as I was a few days ago. I'm going to be on Montel Show later today at 1 p.m. in MN. I'm nervous and at the same time, just curious what would happen? Here's the site in case you want to get more information: http://www.montelshow.com/show/?showID=4865

You'll notice on his site it displays my information, well my work information so I need to be ready for calls coming in. I called my friend, Smiley cause he'll be handling the crisis calls all this week while I'm away to Los Angeles, I told him whatever happens don't panic. Funny that I suggested that, maybe I should've suggested that to myself. Yes, I am nervous and scared at the same time. I've been invited to several homes of my volunteers to watch the show together. I feel honored and at the same time, the show isn't so much about joy and happiness, but a story that I kept in silence for so long. I'd rather be excited about being on Oprah for launching my non-profit, that's something I want to be excited for. Well, I thought I'd jump in and share the news.
Thank you for listening . . .

Goodnight,
Me

Posted by blog/onevoice at 7:38 PM
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Tuesday, 25 April 2006
Missing Pieces
Mood:  sad
Topic: My thoughts


It's 1:00 a.m. and I'm sitting here in front of the computer with a glass of wine. I tried to call my son today, but no one picked up the phone, as usual. I've been thinking alot about my baby lately. Alot of things are happening for me as far as my non-profit, but inside I feel like something is missing. I need to get my son back and I'd like to find an attorney that believes in my fight. I can be rich, famous, and have everything in the world at my finger tips, but I would trade it all just to have my son back in my arms. Lately, I've been having dreams that I had both my babies in my arms and that I was living in a small country home happy and full of peace in my heart, but then when I woke up, I realized it's only a dream and then my tears fall. I know my blogs are becoming depressing and I apologize for this. I can't seem to stop thinking about my son and it hurts too much. I didn't give him up, I fought the best that I could and they took him away. I know in my heart that I have to keep fighting and there's no doubt about that. I just want to stop grieving. I got an e-mail today, it was from my son's father's sister-in-law. She e-mailed me a picture of Carroll and when I saw it, I cried. (Another long story, I'll have to share with you.) I can't seem to go to sleep, so I turn on the tv to make up the noise from a silenced room. The show on Montel that I was taped for a month ago, will be airing on May 2nd and I'm scared of what will happen next. Good or bad, maybe both??? It's just the anticipation of waiting of what the outcome will be? Well, it's getting late so I'm going to close for now. Thank you so much for listening . . .

Always,
Me

Posted by blog/onevoice at 7:17 PM
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