Wow, didn’t take me long to stop writing. I don’t even have an excuse, it’s not as if I have a job or go to school or actually do anything. I have no clue why I didn’t write, I just didn’t. I’ll try to be better.
Even though I haven’t been writing, I’ve still been going strong. I actually lost 5 pounds last week, (8 pounds total in 2 weeks), I’ve been walking 2 times a day, (in the last 2 days anyway), I’ve been drinking tons of water, (3 to 4 1 liter bottles a day), and I’ve been careful with food. I got Dr. Phil’s “The Ultimate Weight Solution”, (the Husband bought it for me, but that’s a whole other story), it’s a great book. I haven’t read too far; he wants you to actually do “homework”, which takes some serious concentration, but so far, I love it. I love his straight talking attitude. I just don’t understand why my own mind does talk to me that way. Although, it is getting better. I do have a new outlook on my life in general and am pretty comfortable with it. One step at a time. It is that simple. I’ve stopped being angry at myself because I am overweight, out of shape and old. I do something every day to fix the first 2 and realize there isn’t anything I can do about being old. I do what I can do now, and I’ll do more when I can do more. That’s it.
( =
Monday, February 16th, 2004…
Week 1/Day 1…
Music: Maroon 5 ~ This Love
I am feeling: sweaty and tired
OMG!! This is so not as easy as I hoped it would be!! Seriously, I thought I would make my mind up to do something and the rest would just happen. Ummmmmmm, NO!! I have to fess up, I am in far worse shape than I imagined. Throughout my life, before the massive weight gain, I have always been “chunky”, but, even with the extra poundage, I was still able to do most physical activities without feeling as if I was about to die. Bleeck. I just got back from my first walk. Ewwwwwwwwwww. It sucked. I took my dog, who, in reality, took me. Or, an even better description, she dragged my fat ass for 10 minutes, which seemed like forever. 10 minutes. How can 10 minutes take so long? ::sigh:: I can’t believe how hard it was. She’s weighs, more or less, about 50 pounds, but she’s “sturdy” and strong. Just the short time we spend on foot has left me achy and winded. My arms hurt, the front of my thighs hurt, my lower back hurts, and we have to do this again today. I am a mess. Oh well, onward and upward…
This morning was icky as well. I awoke at 5:30ish to a panic attack. It’s the second one I’ve had in about a month. If you haven’t experienced an episode, you have no idea the surge of dread that floods through one’s body. Knowing it’s just an attack doesn’t help, my body betrays me and my mind jumps right in. As I clarify away each symptom, my body will hit me with another and my brain will whisper the “what ifs” in my ear. So, I sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, trembling, heart pounding, barely breathing, wishing so bad I had someone to wake up to support me through these next few minutes, (Anxiety Attacks are only supposed to last 10 minutes. Whoever said that hasn’t experienced then to the degree I have.). I felt alone, and scared, but, I MADE IT!! I guess that is the whole point of my sob stories this morning. Things may have popped up and made my first day a tad bit bumpy, but, I MADE IT!! I got through the attack and I got through my/our first walk. I did it. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but at this moment, I will take any, and all, successes I can get. Woohooooooooooooooooooooo!!
( =
Sunday, February 15th, 2004…
The night before…
Music: Breathe ~ Melissa Etheridge
I am feeling: Headachy and tired
I’ve been reading other people’s journals/blogs for most of the day now, trying to get a feel for what I am about to begin. It has been uplifting to read about the stories/success of others. Good for ya’all. ::standing up and clapping:: First thing I am going to do is join a weight loss webring. Not sure if I am truly ready to allow people to peep into my struggle, but, WTH, time to dive in. I have been attempting to set up a cute little web site as well, but, this is it for now. I have found so many interesting and helpful goodies on these sites, I hope ya’all don’t mind if I list your page in my favorite reads.
I stepped up today and faced two of my fears. I actually weighed myself (ACK!!) and figured out my BMI (double ACK!!). Ready? Not sure if I am but…
My weight is, ::closing eyes:: 211. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Two hundred and eleven pounds. (Doesn’t look as bad when I spell it all out.) Wow. At 4 feet 11 and ½ I weight enough to make two of me. Disgusting.
My BMI, according to this site **BMI** is ::closing my eyes once again:: 42.6. Above and beyond the obesity level. I am ashamed to have allowed myself to become this ultra massive person. I am embarrassed. I hate what I have done to myself. I am doing my best not to beat myself up over this, to simply accept what has happened and move forward. It’s not so easy. It is easier to numb my pain with food and Diet Pepsi and I would like nothing more than to do that as I type. But, not this time. This time WILL be different. I promise.
Okie doke. Time to set a few easy to obtain goals for my first week. I believe in setting oneself up for success (believe it or not), so for week one I am only setting 3 simple targets.
1. Drink 3 One liter bottles of water.
2. Walk 10 minutes 2x times a day.
3. Eat 5 small meals a day and keep a food log.
Perhaps these seem a tad bit too simple, but baby steps. ( =
Below are the “models” of me before and after.
Please feel free to sign my guestbook or drop me an email at xnevercinderellax@hotmail.com. I’m going to go work on my weight loss chart and other goodies. Thanks for dropping by. ( =
