The Two W*nkers Of The Apocalypse
Yep, I was right. Laura and I were watching 'Dreamcatcher' in the bedroom with our headphones on, and as soon as 10.00pm came we were in the middle of a warzone! Herman had put 'Apocalypse Now' on full blast! Charlie don't surf? Charlie f*ckin' does surf! Straight through my headphones and into my bloody ears!
Man that C*ntster is predictable.
Anyway, we finished watching the film (it was pretty darn good!), and bang on 00.55 Herman's film finished and he went to bed and shagged his hippo, sorry, his wife. I put my earplugs in and read my book (Jarhead) for a bit and then went to sleep.
In the morning I awoke to the grunts and yells of his b*tch being buttf*cked against the wardrobe.
Laura and I went to the City and got a quilt and a cool Egyptian quilt cover. I also bought my comic and a book about an English guy who was in the Vietnam war. Then we went to my mum and dad's for a bit.
Later we picked Mike up and went to 'Trekkers'. The manageress had a very short skirt on which I didn't notice at all...*cough*
Something has been troubling me about the removal job I did yesterday, and I mentioned this to Mike. When I got to the house a girl from work was there to help. I'll call her 'Dizzy'. Dizzy didn't really do much helping though. At one point another guy from work turned up while we were outside the flat (I'll call him Jizz). Dizzy said to Jizz, "How did you know I was home?
Ok, first alarm bell. This isn't supposed to be Dizzy's home, it's meant to be my mate's sisters flat.
Jizz said to Dizzy "So you're moving you're stuff out?"
"Yes" replied Dizzy.
Another alarm bell.
Back in the flat I saw a box with a letter on top of it addressed to some guy and.....Dizzy!
I told all this to Mike and after Trekkers we drove past the flat and he confirmed that Dizzy lives, or lived there!
Have I been set up? There was a woman with a little girl at the new flat that I assumed was my mate's sister, but I have a sneaky suspicion that this was my mate's missus, and the kid was his!
The thing is, I turned up early to move the stuff, and a guy came down to open the door for me, who I assumed was my mate's girlfriend's partner. He seemed like he had only just woke up, and I got the feeling he didn't really want me to be there right then, so I politely said I'd return in 20 minutes. I went and got some breakfast and then went back to the flat where my mate was now waiting for me. What would have happened if I had carried on upstairs? Would I have found Dizzy in bed up there?
And another thing. The 'boyfriend' dissapeared after a while. My 'mate' said he had gone to work. Gone to work? When you've got to be out of the flat that day? Hmmmmmm. Somethin' aint right here. I'm gonna have to confront them tomorrow and find out what the f*cks going on! Oh yeah, and why was the 'sister' at the new flat and not the old one? How did she get there? Holmes, the game is afoot!
I have been thinking about joining the Territorial Army. Seeing as we only have about 30 years of oil left I can see the world degenerating into a Mad Max scenario, and military training is gonna come in handy. I have sent off for an information pack anyway.
Scott was in when we got back and he seems to have got himself invilved in a certain secret society that I shall not name. Infact I really can't write any more about it 'cos it could have far reaching implications. It could also be financially rewarding! Doh! There I go again. No more! Stop writing about it you damn fool!
Right. Yrt again I am off to fight against the capitalist pigs that invaded my country.
Tally ho!

Ummmm.....
Hello peeps! Yes I know, I've missed a day again haven't I? Sorry about that.
Ok, what's happened recently? Well, a guy at work has been caught stealing stock from the company! He was seen going to his car 5 times during the day on CCTV and the security guards decided to stop him and do a thorough search. They found 6 ink cartridges, and the guy got arrested. Silly boy.
'Course, if he's been doing this for years he may well be a rich man by now! Clever boy!
On Friday we went to that rough pub again, but it wasn't rough at all while we were in there. We played some pool and Laura and I were actually quite good at it! I think Laura actually potted 6 balls in two shots!
Our friends were a bit late 'cos it seems that someone had slashed one of their car tyres at work! Hopefully the person who did it will have been caught on camera. Then we can kidnap them and torture them. I can practice interrogation techniques and also catheter insertions.
We saw the estate agent lady again the other day and Laura asked if we could move in a day early, and the lady said yes, so that's cool.
This morning I had to help a friend from work move his sisters stuff from her flat to another flat.
Jeeezus! She had the biggest 3 piece suite ever and we had to carry it down 4 flights of stairs! She also had the heaviest TV ever, and the most awkward wardrobes to carry! If Norris McWhirter was there she could have broken the world record for most f*ckin' annoying furniture! I half expected Roy Castle to be at the bottom of the stairs tapdancing whilst playing the trumpet and singing "Dedications what you need.....".
It took us 4 hours to do it. I was totally knackered by the end of it.
Every time we loaded the van with stuff and then went back inside to get more stuff I amused myself by pretending I was in the SAS. I ran up the stairs holding an imaginary rifle and pretended to kick everyone's doors in and clear the rooms like you see them do on TV. I had great fun. I think I am the most out of shape bloke in the SAS though.
When I finally got home Laura had made a good start on packing all our stuff into boxes. Man, we've got so much stuff!
A bit later we went to The Barly Mow, which used to be a favourite canalside pub of ours when we used to live on a narrowboat.
I wish we hadn't bothered 'cos it's just been refurbished and it seems to have lost all it's rustic charm. It looks like a bloody wine bar now, so we won't be going there again.
We decided to leave after one pint and we went to a militaria fair in Buckingham instead (we saw some signs and just followed them 'cos we were bored).
By the time we got there they were closing and there were only a few stalls left. There were loads of cool looking WWII German helmets. Some SS ones were going for about £650!!! I 'phoned my dad and told him and he was gutted 'cos when he was a Hells Angel they all had German helmets! He would have been rich now hehehe.
While we were there Laura bought an original letter sent to the troops just before D Day from Eisenhower, which is actually pretty cool.
I wanted to buy an American army helmet so I could wear it when I'm driving my forklift, but I've got a big head and none of them looked like they would fit. Infact, have you ever bought any army surplus stuff? It's never big enough. It's like they get it from the Oompa Loompa army or something. My dad reckons they must get it from the Chinese.
Speaking of Oompa Loompa's, go here:


The Oompa Loompa Network

Anyway, after the fair we went a charity shop and I got a camouflaged shirt for £4! And it bloody fits just about aswell! Obviously charity shops don't get their stuff from the Oompa Loompas!
Then we went to a pretty nice pub (very quiet) and had a drink. On the wall were a set of 5 huge pebbles. On closer inspection I saw that it was actually a painting! It was excellent. It looked really real and 3D and you had to look at it very closely to realise that the pebbles weren't real. Well, I thought it was good anyway.
Afterwards we went to my mums for a bit, then we went shopping and spent £50 on Mueller Rice. At least that's what it seems like. We didn't come home with much else.
I am dreading tonight. 'Apocalypse Now' is on at 10.00pm. All three hours of it. That means Herman C*nster is going to be watching it until 1.00am at full volume. B*stard. And what the f*ck is my mental state gonna be like after that? I'm already having loads of Vietnam flashbacks all the time!
Laura said something today that got me thinking. She was talking about a website and said "WWW dot blah blah blah whatever dot cum", instead of dot com.
And then it occured to me. That's what porn site URL's should end in. It would be so cool. www.bigjuicyjubblies.cum, www.blowyourload.cum, etc.
How cool would that be? Make up your own and post them on here!
Right, I loaded in the new patch for Vietcong last night and now I'm gonna kick some Yankee butt!
Cya later dudes!

Here I Am!
Sorry for the couple of days gap peeps, but I have been a bit busy. We have found a new house! Yayyyy! Check this out, it's detached (no neighbours yayyy!), it's got 3 bedrooms, 3 toilets with funny hose like bum washer things (the house belongs to some Kuwaiti Muslim oil baron people), 1 bathroom, 1 on-suite shower room and loads of space! And it only costs £80 a month more than this s*it hole! We move in next Thursday and we are all f*ckin' delighted.
Anyway, what has been happening apart from that? Well, we had to sit this assessment test thing at work the other day, to get an overall average of our abilities or something, I don't know. It reminded me of a 'Twilight Zone' episode where all the kid's have to take a test when they reach a certain age (I think it was 13). Anyway at the end this kid had a big smile on his face 'cos he had passed, but his parents were crying. The twist was that the Government terminated anyone getting over a certain percentage 'cos intelligent people were seen as a dangerous threat to the Government! They had lie detector thingies to see if the kid had been warned by his parents.
Anyway, it wasn't very hard, but Gerbil Boy made a point of shooting through the test at high speed, and when he finished he slammed the test down onto desk and sat there with his arms folded and a smug grin on his face.
Later when we were saying to each other that we had gone back over it at the end to check it and some of us had changed some answers, he piped up "Well I didn't check my work. It was a piece of p*ss and I didn't look back or change a thing!"
We all ignored the pr*ck.
He also said something else today that only a professional kn*b would say. A mate of mine walked passed my fork truck and got a shock from it. "Oww, electric shock!" he exclaimed jokingly.
"It's not an electric shock actually", sneered Gerbil Bollox, "It's a STATIC shock. You'd get thrown across the room if you got an electric shock from a fork truck battery".
My mate replied "Yeah, and you'd get thrown across the room if you got hit by the one that fell off your truck the other day too!"
Hahahaha! This was a rather clever rebuttal as he was referring to the the event the other day when Gerbil Butt's battery 'mysteriously' fell off his fork truck. Hahahahaha.
Jeeesus that Gerbil guy is a w*anker.
He also keeps grassing a mate of mine up for not wearing his Hi-Vis jacket (all the agency staff have to wear them). Who does this guy think he is? My mate works on a completely different section to him, and anyway, he ignores the temps on his own section who don't wear their jackets!
And he had a go at me the other day. I went for lunch and the next thing I know he's come in the canteen, walked over to me and said that my boss would rip my head off if he knew I had gone to lunch early! Then he walked off saying "Not that I care what time you go of course". What?!?!? If I was early it was only by about 60 seconds!
What a f*cking pr*ck!!
I watched him the next day. He went to lunch a whole 5 minutes early and came back out at his normal finishing time! I think I'm going to kill this guy.
He did get a b*llocking the other day though by my boss 'cos he came in with no steel toecaps on hehehehe.
After work today we went to Homebase and got some glue to fix a cupboard door at home with and we also got some tape to tape up all the boxes we've been collecting from work to pack all our stuff away in.
After that we went to Stony Stratford to go to The Cock Hotel. Unfortunately it was closed, so we went to another pub. That was closed too! On further inspection it seemed that every pub in Stony Stratford was closed due to 'Unforseen Circumstances', as one sign read.
Why was this? What could have happened? Were the body snatchers taking over all the pubs? Is it the CIA refurbishing with added bugging devices ready to listen in on my conversations? Who knows?
Talking of bugging, on the news today I saw that Clare Short MP has accused the British Intelligence Services of spying on UN Secretary General Kofi Annan during the buldup the the Iraq war. Tony Blair, instead of denying the allegations like any sane Primeminister, just said that he wasn't prepared to discuss the actions of the Security Services and that they do a good job and we need their intelligence in these times! So it's true then Tony?
If it is true then this is an illegal act! But will anyone get done for it? I doubt it. If you or me did it we would be locked up for about a thousand years and buttf*cked by Big Bubba on a daily basis or something but when governments do it they just get a slapped wrist and told to stop messing about.
I've been talking to my mate Scott about joining the army recently, or maybe the TA. I know it plays havoc with my moral viewpoint but there are a few advantages to joining. Firstly, it's a great opportunity to kill Americans (friendly fire and all that, although it's usually the other way 'round!). Also, after a few years, I could leave the army and go into 'close protection' and become a bodyguard for Tony Blair. Then I could shoot him. That would be fun.
Hmmm, I bet 'Echelon' (you know, the big computer system that monitors your emails, telephone conversations, and well, everything really) has picked this up now. The words 'Tony', 'Blair' and 'shoot' together will have set alarm bells ringing I can tell you.
I play this game quite a lot. During 'phone conversations to my dad I regularly throw words in like 'terrorist' and 'bomb' and stuff like that.
My mum panics when I do it to her hehehe. It's great fun, you should try it.
Rightyho, I'm off to do something or other.
Ta Ta for now.

The Horror.......The Horror.....
I woke up at 0010 this morning to another 'Nam flashback. This is very odd 'cos I was never in 'Nam. I could hear this weird ethnic chanting resonating through the ether, and the sound of machine gun fire in the distance. I got out of bed, removed my earplugs and placed them on the bedside table.
The sound was clearer now, but I couldn't pin-point where it was coming from. I opened the bedroom door and walked towards my brother's room, having a piss in the sink on the way.
At first it sounded like my brother had left his radio on, and I cursed him for it, but I decided to go downstairs and make sure. I walked down the stairs and made my way across the living room. It was now I realised that the sound was not coming from my brother's room but from the f*ckin' Munsters living room!!! B*stards!!! Another loud f*ckin' war film, this time at gone midnight!!
If the Munsters were standing in front of me right then I would have crushed their windpipes with my bare hands!
I walked back upstairs and got back in bed trying not to wake Laura, but it was too late. Laura was awake and all hell was about to break loose!
Laura ran downstairs and started banging on the wall with both fists, shouting at Herman C*nster to "Shut the f*ck up you baldy f*ckin' w*anker", and "We've been very polite neighbours and all you are is a f*ckin' c*nt!".
As I'm sure you can guess, by now I had the pillow over my head and was burying myself deep under the covers, wriggling my legs frantically and hyperventilating, gasping "Oh God no, oh God no!" over and over.
After what felt like a lifetime Laura came back in triumphant mood. She said that when she banged on the wall she could hear Herman leap off his sofa with fright!
Well after that things were quiet, but I couldn't sleep. Infact neither of us got any sleep all night and we left for work at 0515 totally exhausted.
At work Laura's boss didn't bother having a meeting with her so Operation 'Up Yours' is postponed for the moment.
After work we went to the estate agents to complain and ask for our money back. They said that the only way out of the situation is if our landlady cancels our contract.
Then we went to the pub and I'm sorry to say the C*nsters have driven me back to drink! I had two pints of Kronenbourg! And I got p*ssed on them dammit!!
We went back home and there was a message on my mobile from the estate agents saying that the landlady won't release us from the contract.
Well that was it! Laura got on the 'phone to the landlady and told her that our nextdoor neighbours were a*seholes and that she wouldn't like living here and if she didn't give us our money back she better damn well sort some soundproofing out.
While this was going on my brother and I were upstairs bouncing up and down with our fingers in our ears.
And then something snapped in my head. I started ranting about having been inside for 6 months for GBH and I'm going in again if they don't shut the f*ck up. None of this is true but I knew the b*tch next door was in so I just went for it.
"Jesus Christ! They don't know who they're dealing with!", I shouted. " I got jumped by the three hardest men in nick and I beat the cr@p out of them!"
Scott was flapping his arms wildly at me at this point, but I carried on.
"For f*ck's sake I can have their fingers chopped off for a grand! Who the f*ck do they think they're messing with?"
Anyway, after about 5 minutes of this Laura came upstairs and said the landlady wasn't going to do anything, so she had slammed the 'phone down on her.
Scott and I decided to go to the off-licence and get some wine. As we drove off I could see the b*tch peeping out from behind the curtains from her upstairs window. It was most amusing.
When Scott and I returned the ladlady was there! She had come 'round to apologise about our situation and said that she would try to get someone else to take over the tenancy. She had come 'round crying and this had set Laura off too. It didn't help when I said I was going to kill the neighbours.
In the end we were all talking so loudly about the Munsters that there is no way the b*tch could fail to hear us slagging her and her husband off! Hehehehe.
Anyway, there's more to tell but I'm so tired. I've really got to go to bed. Herman came home about an hour ago and all is very quiet next door. If they start up again tonight Laura is going to go 'round there.
God help them.

That's Just Bloody Typical That is!
This will amuse you. I thought I would listen to one of my 'Teach Yourself Swahili' tapes while I cook dinner. Well, unless they talk like Daleks in Kenya then my f*ckin' cheapo personal tape player from Tesco's is knackered! I only got it the other day aswell. Bugger!
Oh yeah, not only that, but the screen that seperates the kitchen from the rest of the house got stuck and I couldn't get out! Bloody thing!
What else can go wrong? Food poisoning? I'll let you know.

Countdown To Operation 'Up Yours'
Went to Maplins today and got a digital dictaphone thingamajig with a covert microphone doodah. Tomorrow is the comencement of Operation 'Up Yours', where hopefully Laura will trap her boss into talking himself out of a job. If he doesn't say anything we can use against him Laura will just have to throw herself 'round the room shouting "Get off me you pervert!" or something.
I also went to the City to get my 'Teach Yourself Arabic' tapes. Unfortunately they didn't have any left so I ended up with 'Teach Yourself Somali' instead. I can see myself getting very confused soon.
Went to my mums and had some dinner and loaded in a few war games for my dad. I bought 'Destroyer Command' today so I can hunt my dad down online and destroy him and his precious U-Boat hehehehe.
I tried playing one of his WWII aircraft games but I kept crashing all the time so I gave up. I don't like flying much anyway.
I also tried to fix my dad's internet connection. He only got online the other day and now his password wasn't working. In the end he had to 'phone customer support and they said they had to cut the Al Qaeda bit out of his password 'cos it was a bit dodgy! It's up and running now.
The C*nsters are out at the moment. We heard their TV last night but it was nowhere near as loud as it has been. We also put the remote control jammer near the wall so hopefully their TV was f*cked up all night.
Right, I'm on earlies tomorrow so I need to eat something now and then I might lay in bed and watch the 'Black Hawk Down' bonus disk. The new DVD player is awesome by the way, and it doesn't need a code to change regions like the other one.
Ok, catch ya later peeps.

Jewish You Were Here
The Inbreds are quiet so far today. Scott said he heard Rosemary Inbred this morning telling Herman Inbred that he had the TV on too loud. Herman replied "It's not on 41." I'm not sure what that means but I think it could be a significant breakthrough. Stay tuned.
Laura and I met my brother and parents for a drink at 'The Coachmakers Arms' in Newport Pagnell today. I got the feeling it was a bit of a 'Deliverance' pub. Laura thought everyone in there was an inbred yokel. I don't think they liked us 'cos they turned the stereo up full blast when we walked in. The speaker was right over our table and I think they might have been hinting at us to f*ck off.
We decided to leave after one drink and as we walked through the door I turned and said "You sure got a purdy mouth" in a thick Southern American drawl to nobody in particular.
I thought it was quite amusing. Bouncing Bob says that to me a lot at work. He started saying it to me after I likened him to the guy that gets buttf*cked in 'Deliverence'. He thought it was a compliment at first until he watched the film a few days ago hehehe. After he watched it he said "I don't look anything like that bloke!" I don't think he got the point.
I call him Bouncing Bob because when he walks his head moves backwards and forwards like a chicken. He is a pretty overweight guy aswell and he looks like he would bounce if you dropped him off a skyscraper. He probably wouldn't though. I think he would probably make about as much mess as that whale that exploded in Japan the other week.
He is a nice guy but he can be very annoying at times. He tends to choose the exact moment my boss is coming 'round the corner to stop me from working and dazzle me with his movie trivia knowledge. And once he starts he doesn't stop. My boss is getting closer and closer and I'm trying to warn him by mumbling out of the corner of my mouth, frantically wiggling my eyebrows and flicking my eyes back and forth between him and my boss trying to create some kind of signal, but all he's interested in doing is telling me which Star trek episode the Tribbles first appeared in or how many uniforms James T. Kirk actually owns or something like that.
Once a girl at work joked that she had a Star Trek uniform at home and I could tell he was getting sexually exited about it. (Actually, come to think about it, I don't blame him).
He was stuck for words but I think if he had answered he would have said "So do I".
Anyway, I digress. After leaving 'The Deliverance' we went to Stony Stratford to the 'Cock Hotel' to meet Mike. It was Mike's sister's party type thing for her birthday which is next Tuesday.
A few doors down from 'The Cock' is 'The Bull Inn' and these two pubs is where the term 'Cock and Bull story' originated! Supposedly the two pubs tried to out do each other by seeing who could come up with the most outlandish stories, or something like that.
Anyway, my mum, dad and brother were on one table and Mike and friends were on another. I spent the next hour or so sitting in the middle trying to talk to both sides. Mike introduced me to one of his friends who has also read David Icke's books. The three of us had a very interesting discussion about reptilians and the New World Order, the difference between Jewish and Arab DNA (we're not sure there is any), and whether there really is a Zionist plot to take over the world (we decided there probably is). It turns out we're pretty much on the same wavelength which is cool 'cos I thought me an' Mr. Icke were the only nutters on the planet.
After a while we left the pub (It was getting very busy. Mike's sister has a lot of friends, most of them with high pitched squealy voices!).
Laura and I went to the City Centre to get a dictaphone. I made the joke earlier to Mike whilst patting him on the back that actually, thinking about it, I already had a dictaphone. He didn't get it. It went straight over his head.
Laura wants a dictaphone because she has to have a meeting with her boss on Monday and she knows he is going to be a pr*ck with her. She wants to record what he says so she can prove he is an a*sehole.
Unfortunately most of the shops were shut so we'll try again tomorrow. Laura did, however, manage to purchase a TV remote control jammer for £2.50 from 'The Gadget Shop' to p*ss the C*ntsters off with later.
Oh, did I mention I had ordered a 'Teach Yourself Arabic' book and CD thingy? Well anyway, I forgot to tell you that the book arrived the other day but Amazon can't get hold of the CD's!! What!!?? What the hell use is the book without the CD's? How will I know how to pronounce the words? I can see myself getting into all sorts of trouble now!
Instead of saying "Hello my friend, how are you and your wife?", I'll probably end up saying "Hello my friend, may I impregnate your wife?" or something like that. Trust me, that's just my luck.
Anyway, we're back home now and we can't hear the Munsters. I'm not sure if they're in or not. If anything occurs later on I'll let you know.
Ta-ra for now.

P.S.
Disclaimer:
Even though there probably is a Zionist plot to take over the world, this has nothing to do with the real people of the Jewish faith but people who have hijacked the name 'Jewish'. I am not anti-Semetic and if I have caused offence please realise that the left side of my brain rarely knows what the right side is doing, and vice versa.

Oh....My.....God
We were woken up this morning by the sound of the C*ntsters TV. It was extremely loud! I knew right then that things were gonna turn nasty.
Laura and I got ready to go to the gym. As we were about to leave Laura said "I'm not having this! I'm gonna tell the b*tch to shut the f*ck up".
I told her to please wait until I got to the van before she did anything.
So that's what I did. I legged it to the safety of my van and left Laura to do whatever it was she was gonna do.
A few minutes later Laura turned up and told me what had happened. She said that Rosemary C*ntster had turned the TV up even louder after I had left. Laura went mental and banged on the wall so hard she nearly put her fists through it!
She shouted "Turn your TV down you f*cking ignorant cow! We've been nothing but polite since we moved in and all you've done is take the f*ckin' p*ss! Well if you want a f*ckin' war, you've got one!"
Sh*t man, I'm glad I was sitting in my van during all this. I was dreading coming back home later.
I had a good workout at the gym. I think I'm getting a bit fitter! Yayyy!
After the gym we went to the estate agents to make a proper complaint about the Munsters, but they were a bit busy and we couldn't be bothered to hang about so we went to the Rat and Parrot and had some dinner. I had a Quorn burger and Laura had a massive portion of BBQ chicken nachos! Still no beer for me!
Work was ok today. The guy who went early to have his hair done didn't look any different! We took the p*ss out of him all day hehehe.
The Gerbil, or Gollum as someone called him today, told my boss to go home and stop worrying about stuff (my boss has been doing really long shifts recently). My boss went home and then Gerbil boy promptly f*cked his fork truck up by somehow making the battery fall out! My boss had only just got home when he got a 'phonecall telling him to come back and sort it out hehehehe.
Yesterday I kept insulting the Gerbil in Swahili. I thought I was calling him a w*nker but it turns out I was actually calling him gay. It still had the desired effect though 'cos when he finally got someone to translate for him he was not amused!
Today I kept calling him a 'b*tch' in Somali. He kept asking me what it meant and I told him it meant 'Top Man' hehehe. Eventually, to my horror, a Somali guy told him that I was calling him a b*tch and with that I was sent to another department as punishment! It was ok though 'cos the other department was really quiet so I didn't have to do much.
I have noticed that the Gerbil doesn't like being referred to as a woman. He goes mental when you question his gender. This got me thinkin' that maybe he was actually once a woman but had a sex change and now if you call him one it hits a nerve deep inside her....him, I mean. This could be complete b*llocks of course but it's funny how offended he gets. I'd love to be a woman. I'd play with my jubblies all day long.
One of the Somalian guys has invited me to go to Somalia with him and shoot guns! I said that would be cool but would I survive? (This is the guy that told me they would kill me out there!)
He said that if I went with him then I would be classed as part of his family and if there was any trouble his family would give their lives defending me! I thought this was very nice but I can see the headlines now:
'Civil War Erupts In Somalia Again As Englishman Accidently Asks Somali Warlord To Suck His C*ck!'
After work I went to my mums to try and put off coming home as long as possible, but it looked like my mum and dad were asleep so we didn't knock, we just came home instead.
At home Scott was in and everything was quiet. Scott said that the C*nsters had been quiet all evening! I hope Laura scared the sh*t out of them! Now Laura has got our TV on loud, which is making me a bit anxious but I'm going to kill Yankees online in a minute so that will take my mind off things.
Catch ya on da flip flop people!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.
Man, I had a great game of 'Capture the Flag' last night on 'Vietcong'. There was me an' about 6 other VC's fighting a load of Yankee imperialist invaders. I had a massive machine gun and I enjoyed cutting them to ribbons so much hehehe. I also shot one of them in the head with a snipers rifle. That was cool. I'll be back on there later tonight I think.
I watched Mike's video this morning in bed. Did you know we've only got 30 years worth of oil left in the planet? That's what all these wars are about. We now have our troops positioned around the world in strategic places, ready to fight for the last remaining oil reserves. We need to fight back against our fascist governments before it's too late people. (Hmmm, can I get arrested under the new anti-terrorism laws for saying that? I 'spose we'll soon find out!)
I didn't have time to go to the gym today 'cos by the time the video was finished it was nearly time to go work.
Work was ok. I was given the easy job of doing high picks. All I have to do is drive a guy around in a cage to different locations while he picks stuff. I don't get this job very often these days so it was a nice change. Later on though when the high picks were finished I got really busy doing other stuff for some reason. I couldn't work it out, the work was piling up like crazy! What was going on?
Eventually I found out what the problem was. My boss had let one of the temps go home at 8.00 pm to have his hair highlighted!!! What!!??!! I couldn't believe it. And Jeeezuz! How big are this guys balls? Would you have the testicular fortitude to ask your boss if you could go home to have your hair done? I know I haven't. Well, I haven't got any hair but you know what I mean. Man, this guy's gonna get the p*ss taken out of him tomorrow hehehehe.
My workmates Jake and Scott seem back to their normal selves today. They were acting as though nothing strange happened yesterday. I think I better keep my eyes on them for while though, just in case.
I tried to recruit people today for my army I'm forming. We are gonna take on the might of the capitalist imperialist pigdogs that run the world and create a truly free world for everyone. Well, I say we, It's just me at the moment. I thought I had convinced a Muslim guy to join me, but when I started telling everyone that walked past me at work that this guy was with me and we were gonna kill the fascist b*stards of the New World Order he started saying "No! No! You are making me a target!"
I knew then I might not be able to rely on him when the sh*t hits the fan. Nice guy though.
We left work at 10.00 and came straight home. Fred and Rosemary C*ntster have got their TV on really loud. Not only that but they keep changing channels and turning the volume up and down, which is really annoying.
Laura has retaliated by banging on the wall and putting 'The Osbournes' on really loud! As you can imagine I have spent most of the time between writing these sentences laying on the kitchen floor with my jumper over my head and my hands pushed tightly against my ears. I can see out of the corner of my eye that she's got her annoying noise box thing at the ready. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
Now Laura is jumping up and down shadow boxing and saying "Let me at 'em! Just say the word and I'll beat the sh*t out of 'em".
I'm writing this while wearing headphones and listening to the soundtrack of 'Black Hawk Down' in some sort of vain attempt to distract myself from what's going on around me. I hope my brain explodes soon and I lose consciousness. That would calm me down.

Body Snatchers!
Sorry about the lateness of this entry but I've just got back from the gym. No, I haven't been working out, I just went for a quick drink after work. Me an' Laura were both on non alcoholic stuff (Kaliber) tonight, which is rather splendid I think.
I took my DVD player back to Maplins today 'cos it has been playing up a bit. Actually Laura took it back while I hid in the van. When she came back and told me I had to go in there for some reason I nearly sh@t myself! It was ok though. They didn't have the same one in stock but for an extra £20 they had an even better one that plays every disk in the universe and gives you a massage aswell! I got that one and then legged it out of the shop before they realised that we hadn't given them the manual back for the other one!
Did I mention a while ago that the dodgy DVD player didn't come with a scart lead when I bought it so I had to go and buy one? Well, when I was packing it away to take it back guess what? Yeah, there was a bloody scart lead in the box all the time! That just sums my life up really I think.
We went to the City Centre today and I bought my dad a U-Boat simulator for his PC that he's just got from his mate. My dad's favourite film is 'Das Boot' so I'll be in his good books now. I got 'Planetside' so I can go online and kill things. I like killing things. Well, I don't like killing animals but humans and aliens with guns is ok.
Which reminds me, last night I was back in 'Nam again. I was 'Charlie' again and I did a bit better this time. I managed to get really high up on this rock and I could see all these little people running below me. I threw a load of stick-grenades at them and it was really funny to see them running around in panic trying to work out where the hell the grenades were coming from hehehe.
Work was a bit boring today and I really couldn't be bothered to do much. I spent most of the day saying "Hello, how are you my friend" in Somali to the the Somalians. I must have said it to one guy about 10 times! They stopped answering me in the end but I kept on saying it hehehe.
Oh yes, I thought I was being clever all week telling the Somalian geezers to "F*ck off" in their own language. They seemed to take it quite well 'cos they were laughing at me. But it turns out I wasn't saying "F*ck off" at all. I was actually saying "I want to f*ck you" which is not quite what I meant. Ho hum.
It wasn't entirely boring at work though. Something strange happened towards the end of the evening. I was minding my own business hiding behind some shelving units when two of my mates, Jake and Scott, came walking 'round the corner and stood in front in me. Well, they looked like my mates but something was different. They had walked towards me in a funny awkward sort of way, and they were wearing these funny visor things that looked like clear plastic Raybans or something. They spoke to me but I can't remember their lips moving or what they actually said. It was something like "You can be one of us now, join us". I was frozen to the spot but was unusually calm considering.
I found myself saying "Ok, I'll join you", and with that they walked back 'round the corner. A few seconds later they were back again and one of them was holding something in his hand.
"This is for you", he said and held the object towards me. I took it from him and saw that it was a visor just like the ones they were wearing.
'Cool!' I thought as I tried to put the visor on and failed. My hat was getting in the way, so I took my hat off and tried again. Now my glasses were in the way so I took them off gave it another go. At last! The visor was on and I could see! It was as if I didn't need glasses anymore! Or at least it would have been if everything wasn't blurry and orange. But it was still cool. And as suddenly as they had arrived the mysterious visitors were gone!
Spooky eh?
Later at work I told a guy that a friend of mine had drowned in a bowl of muesli. He looked shocked and said "No, you didn't tell me".
"Yes", I explained. "A strong currant pulled him in".
That cracked me up for the rest of the night.
Mike lent me a video today about the 911 coverup and the Iraqi war and oil and all that stuff so I'm gonna snuggle up in bed tonight and fill my head with some cool conspiracy theories. Mike said he made his parents watch it but they dismissed it all as nonsense. I told him that his parents were either in denial or they were actually FBI agents trying to throw him off the scent. He tried to assure me that his parents are ok but I wasn't having any of it.
"Be careful Mike", I shouted to him as he hurried off with a worried expression on his face, "they're FBI I tell ya!"
After work me an' Laura went to the gym, as I mentioned earlier. As we got out of the van and walked towards the entrance we saw this HUGE creaturey bug thing on the floor. It was dead I think 'cos it was on it's back and it wasn't moving. I don't know what it was but it was about the size of a mouse and it looked like a massive fly. It had wings and six legs!
On the way back to the van we looked for it again but it was gone!
Spookier and spookier!
One last thing, and I feel a bit guilty about this. I was 'round my mums and I was hungry, but the only stuff to eat was a load of kebab thingies. I know I'm meant to be vegetarian now but I just couldn't resist them.
Anyway, I just wanted to apologise to the poor animal I ate today. Sorry.
Catch ya on da flip flop peeps!