cut
I cut tonight, because of the meet.
It's hard to explain what made me want to do it so much, and it's all just so pathetic. I think having so much discussion about it, especially about scars just made me want more scars, especially visible ones. Which, obviously, sensible me doesn't want. But I do......
I think also finding someone in the job that is really really similar to what I want to do who does this and copes made me think that it's ok for me to do it. All that reasoning about how I need to be normal to get on with life kind of went out the window.
I want scars and I want to be proud of them. Even if that means being proud of being a fuck-up, which just makes me more of a fuck-up

I was also quite pissed off in some ways about how the meet got hijacked and there was then loads of bitching about the very board that got us all together. Though I do understand where they're coming from....

Jo's said she'll come with me next week which is really cool - I'm lucky to have her. Also makes me want to be more open with other friends about stuff...

New Beginnings
I don't know how much time I'll get to come here and write. I'd like to do it often but internet access is hard at the moment. I just feel I need somewhere that I can vent without worrying about who's going to read it. I journal at home but it's not something I can carry around or leave lying about, and ranting is not something I only need to do when I'm at home in my room.

Round for mum's birthday last night and, as expected, Dad was behaving like a complete asshole to me. He kept blaming me for stuff and kept criticising me but whenever I showed it annoyed me I got told I was too sensitive. Which I am, I guess. I do overreact at the slightest lttle thing from him. I can't take any of it, it's been building up for years and now every single thing gets to me. I really wanted to cut last night because I was so worked up, but he's not worth it. Why should I secretly harm myself because he's a bastard? I just need to find a way to deal with him - it can't be like this every time I come round. I turn into a moody snapping angry monster and I hate that.
In my dream last night we had a massive fight and both said what we thought of the other one. I told him to fuck off at the end of it and he said he never wanted to see me again. Was quite hard to act normal when I woke up because that really got to me.

After a really good week at work, I've been feeling quite low today and very lethargic. I'm staying here tonight too even though I don't want to because I can't be assed to go back home. Don't know what's wrong with me.
Mum asked me earlier if I was ok - apparently I've been quiet today. If only she knew....