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sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I just didn't feel anything.  would it be better?  would it be worse?  Is it possible to feel too much?  is it possible to just go numb to everything?  If it is, I think I am almost there.  that's why I started cutting, I think.  to see if I could still feel.  because I wasn't sure anymore.  I was so numb to everything, to everyone, that I was scared that I couldn't feel anything anymore.  seeing my blood made me feel so alive, but it only lasted for a while.  so I did it again and again and again, it was like I had no choice but to keep cutting and keep doing it until I could feel everything, and then I laid in my bed and ran my hand over the bumps I had made in my body and knew that i had that power, at least.  I could make myself feel.