EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women
can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
Liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only
time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:” Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
Enable you to fly."
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Inspiration
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I DON’T SUFFER FROM INSANITY…
I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
I JUST DO WHAT THE VOICES
INSIDE MY HEAD TELL ME TO DO
IF IT'S CALLED TOURIST SEASON,
WHY CAN'T WE HUNT THEM?
GROWING OLD IS INEVITABLE...
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
AT MY AGE, I'VE SEEN IT ALL,
DONE IT ALL, HEARD IT ALL...
I Just Can't Remember It All
