confused...
09 August 2003 11:07 AM PDT
confused...
A couple days ago, he ( my recent ex) said and did some really hurtful things to me.

I was so shocked that I couldnt/wouldnt think about it that day. I had to register for my courses and I had to focus on that...

here's how it started. I was getting ready to go to school... I was putting some make up on, when he came online...( this is not the exact conversation,but i'll write whatever i remember from it)


me: hi
- hey, what's up
-not much.. (blah blah) I might be going to toronto next week
-really cool! have fun there
-yeah I really need it I didnt have that much fun this summer,, i was busy most of the time
- dont ever say that, there are people in the third world who are dying to even have the food u are eating and they dont know what fun is!
-hehe.. yeah.. damn you always have a good answer ! :)
(blah blah)

me- so are you gonna miss me ..
-yea
-hehe.. sure
-wtf?
-(jokingly)thing is that we never see eachother in vancouver anyways.. we only talk online , so it shouldnt make a difference where i am!

-fuck, you always say these things.. its not funny
-I was joking, i'm sorry.. ofcourse i'm gonna miss you and you are gonna miss me too
-its not funny!
- I said i'm sorry, what else should I do?
- you always do this fucking thing! i'm tired of hearing it. you make me sound like i'm never good enough. you need to grow up and have more responsibilities. You excpect too much from me!
- I excpect too much? I dont see you or talk to you on the phone anymore. I dont ask for anything from you anymore. the only time we talk is over the msn, if you want me to, i'll stop that too!

-hehe.. that's what its all about : your comments, you say you are mature and you think you understand everything and you dont! you need to grow up first and see the things the way i see and stop these immature statements! you cant turn me into your robson friends, you cant change me. I'm me and that's the way its going to be!!

- I never said i was mature! I said i'm more mature than some people my age and I never tried to turn you into my robson friend.

- yeah , comments again!

- YOU are the one who's making statements here! you just said i'm immature, i excpect too much, i'm trying to change you. and you know these are not right! you are fast to judge.

- you know what, I dont want to talk about this anymore, I respect you as a friend and i care about you, but for now, i'll put an end to this right now and I never want to talk about it again, adn that's to your end too...

-ok..

(converstation ends)

I was frustrated. I didnt know what to do. He was so wrong.. all I was trying to do , was to joke around with him. and we turned it into the most hurtful and judgemental conversation ever. I had to explain myself to him. I couldnt leave him thinking that i purposly hurt him or that I was trying to get back with him or change him.

His house was on my way to school. So i stopped by and buzzed him, I wanted to talk to him even for 5 minutes and explain..

he picked up , and he heard my voice. and he hung up. I called him:

- hey its me can you plz open up i need to talk to you for like 5 minutes.

- I cant i'm sorry. You should have told me earlier. I feel like shit and I have to finish something up for work I cant.

- ok
-ok bye

=================================

I coudnt even breathe anymore. Just walked to my car shocked. couldnt believe what he did. Nobody in my life, had ever done something like that to me. I just sat in my car and tried to calm down adn breathe. Just told myself, " i tried to explain and he didnt want to hear it. He didnt have enough respect to even open the door for 5 minutes. He obiously doesnt care much about it. and he has his reasons for that"

I started driving.. trying not to think about what just happened. the phone rang, and it was him. I picked up. I couldnt ever talk.. but I tried:

-hello?
- hey i'm sorry I couldnt open the door, I have 15 more minutes to finish this work, otherwise i'll lose my job. and you should have told me earlier. but If you come in 30 minutes, I'll have time to talk about it.

- no its fine. I was just on my way to school and i thought i'd buzz you and if you were in , maybe we would have talked. but i'm gonig there now and i wont come over . not a big deal anyways..

- ok..
- ok bye.

I kept driving.. still trying to figure out, why he did that. I dont care what the excuse was. Just the way he talked and how he told me " no i wont open the door" just hurt me so much...

still i tried not to think about it..

I went to school and did my registration...at night he called and we just had a simple conversation. it was the fireworks and he wanted to watch it together. but it was too late and i really didnt want to see him this time. we talked for 10 minutes and i hung up.


(what did I think about all this? go to the "thoughts" section)

the beach...mmmmmmmgood
I talked to shiva, about a week ago, and we sorted things out. She listened and agreed and apologized. So Amir (one of my guy friends) called and invited us to a beach party at spanish banks. So I called her and let her know. And she said she'll come. I got back home from work around 10, and then I called her and she wasnt home. Tell you the truth. I had a feeling she wouldnt call, plus she's been doing this ignorant thing for so long, I really wasnt surprised.

Anyway, Amir called again and asked me to come, and I really wanted to get out of this house. So I said OK, and drove up there. I got there around 11 and I was waiting there with a bunch of other girls, waiting for amir to come and take them to the spot everyone else was. Then I saw this girl.. I remembered her from Amir's party, exteremly hot body. Calm attractive face. Very classy. I rmemebered her name and we started talking. 5 minutes later amir and Arash ( his friend who i'm really attracted to ) came and took us to the spot. There was fire, house music and about 20 ppl. Me and her ( say her name is nicky) started talking. She's going to sfu and she's a good friend of amir. I think she liked amir too; although i was alittle bit jelouse, I didnt mind it. Despite the obious hit ons and his efforts to hook up, I am not physically attracted to him. But then again, he's got an awesome personality. Still I would never see me and him going out . I've thought alot about it, cause he's been trying so hard and he's from a good family etc. I just cant do it. anyways.. i was off subject for a second there...

me and her talked to Amir, then amir left to pick up his other friends. So we got some time to talk. That was a girl , I really wanted to be friends with. She was very mature and open minded. Not like the other persian stock ups. totally my type. We were hanging out the whole night.

Everyone was high that night. I didnt smoke up tho. Didnt feel like it. But at around 2am, this guy passed a joint around and i had a couple puffs. AND THERE WE GO...... it was so good. For the first time, I was not paranoid in that crowd. I just laid my head back and enjoyed the music. Then the guy who passed the joint around ( he was asking me if i want to smoke up the whole night and i said " maybe, ill let you know. But he wouldnt let go) came and sat beside me. trying to hit on me and get to know me. I was so high , I wasnt even into talking to anyone.. just wanted to enjoy myself. I opened my eyes and saw Amir and Nicky talking on the other side. i think they were talking about 20 minutes and she wouldnt let go , and I really wanted to get rid of the guy who was hitting on me. So i told amir and nicky to come sit beside me. Amir came, but nicky went to talk to another guy. as soon as amir came , the guy left. I guess he knew Amir liked me. We just talked for a little bit, I dont remember what we said. But i laid my head back again and listened to the music, going deeper deeper into my soul. Then he woke me and told me not to sleep. He told me to put my head on his shoulder ( and i did so, cause when i'm high I do whatever the person tells me , I cant make decisions), and he put his head on my too. I didnt feel comfortable but I was so gone, I couldnt do anything about it.

around 4, nicky came and said she's hungry and wants some thing to eat. so everyone got up and we left. We drove to wendy's but it had already closed at 4am. Amir was in my car, so he got out and wanted to say goodbye. He saw nicky in the car right beside me. So he coldly said 'bye' and didnt even give me a hug! I really didnt mind it that much. Cause he's a guy, and damn! even I was attracted to Nicky. What's a poor guy to do in this situation? hehe.

I'm really not the jelouse type. Sometimes I wonder why...

Anyways... me and nicky drove to west van ( found out she was living in west van too ) so when we got there. I just rolled the window down to say goodbye. She was on the phone with someone! at 5am! wonder who it was :) . She said she's get my number from Amir and would give me a call.

Well i'm sure she wont. Cause it's wierd. I wouldnt get her nubmer from amir, why would she? plus we just met that night and we could have exchanged numbers if we wanted to. I'm sure i'll get it next time I meet her.

She would be such a goodfriend. specially in this time, when i've totally left shiva and have no interest takling to her . and I'm lacking girlfriends.

so we'll see :)

Journal
This blog is for my day to day memories and how life goes and what goes through my mind at different points.


Just to keep track of my thoughts and memories.

for me :)