09 August 2003 11:07 AM PDT
confused...
A couple days ago, he ( my recent ex) said and did some really hurtful things to me.
I was so shocked that I couldnt/wouldnt think about it that day. I had to register for my courses and I had to focus on that...
here's how it started. I was getting ready to go to school... I was putting some make up on, when he came online...( this is not the exact conversation,but i'll write whatever i remember from it)
me: hi
- hey, what's up
-not much.. (blah blah) I might be going to toronto next week
-really cool! have fun there
-yeah I really need it I didnt have that much fun this summer,, i was busy most of the time
- dont ever say that, there are people in the third world who are dying to even have the food u are eating and they dont know what fun is!
-hehe.. yeah.. damn you always have a good answer ! :)
(blah blah)
me- so are you gonna miss me ..
-yea
-hehe.. sure
-wtf?
-(jokingly)thing is that we never see eachother in vancouver anyways.. we only talk online , so it shouldnt make a difference where i am!
-fuck, you always say these things.. its not funny
-I was joking, i'm sorry.. ofcourse i'm gonna miss you and you are gonna miss me too
-its not funny!
- I said i'm sorry, what else should I do?
- you always do this fucking thing! i'm tired of hearing it. you make me sound like i'm never good enough. you need to grow up and have more responsibilities. You excpect too much from me!
- I excpect too much? I dont see you or talk to you on the phone anymore. I dont ask for anything from you anymore. the only time we talk is over the msn, if you want me to, i'll stop that too!
-hehe.. that's what its all about : your comments, you say you are mature and you think you understand everything and you dont! you need to grow up first and see the things the way i see and stop these immature statements! you cant turn me into your robson friends, you cant change me. I'm me and that's the way its going to be!!
- I never said i was mature! I said i'm more mature than some people my age and I never tried to turn you into my robson friend.
- yeah , comments again!
- YOU are the one who's making statements here! you just said i'm immature, i excpect too much, i'm trying to change you. and you know these are not right! you are fast to judge.
- you know what, I dont want to talk about this anymore, I respect you as a friend and i care about you, but for now, i'll put an end to this right now and I never want to talk about it again, adn that's to your end too...
-ok..
(converstation ends)
I was frustrated. I didnt know what to do. He was so wrong.. all I was trying to do , was to joke around with him. and we turned it into the most hurtful and judgemental conversation ever. I had to explain myself to him. I couldnt leave him thinking that i purposly hurt him or that I was trying to get back with him or change him.
His house was on my way to school. So i stopped by and buzzed him, I wanted to talk to him even for 5 minutes and explain..
he picked up , and he heard my voice. and he hung up. I called him:
- hey its me can you plz open up i need to talk to you for like 5 minutes.
- I cant i'm sorry. You should have told me earlier. I feel like shit and I have to finish something up for work I cant.
- ok
-ok bye
=================================
I coudnt even breathe anymore. Just walked to my car shocked. couldnt believe what he did. Nobody in my life, had ever done something like that to me. I just sat in my car and tried to calm down adn breathe. Just told myself, " i tried to explain and he didnt want to hear it. He didnt have enough respect to even open the door for 5 minutes. He obiously doesnt care much about it. and he has his reasons for that"
I started driving.. trying not to think about what just happened. the phone rang, and it was him. I picked up. I couldnt ever talk.. but I tried:
-hello?
- hey i'm sorry I couldnt open the door, I have 15 more minutes to finish this work, otherwise i'll lose my job. and you should have told me earlier. but If you come in 30 minutes, I'll have time to talk about it.
- no its fine. I was just on my way to school and i thought i'd buzz you and if you were in , maybe we would have talked. but i'm gonig there now and i wont come over . not a big deal anyways..
- ok..
- ok bye.
I kept driving.. still trying to figure out, why he did that. I dont care what the excuse was. Just the way he talked and how he told me " no i wont open the door" just hurt me so much...
still i tried not to think about it..
I went to school and did my registration...at night he called and we just had a simple conversation. it was the fireworks and he wanted to watch it together. but it was too late and i really didnt want to see him this time. we talked for 10 minutes and i hung up.
(what did I think about all this? go to the "thoughts" section)