entry dates

this is not fair! i hate myself for breaking my leg. i called up nicole today and breezey and lindsay needham and jessica were all over there helping with the haunted house. and all four of them are in their own little room and i can.t be in it because of my stupid leg AND because there.s only four people allowed in THAT room. it.s not fair. i can.t do anything.

besides lindsay and breezey and jessica have each other. i.m suppose to have nicole....but i have to be in a room all by myself being some old lady. so because i have a broken leg i get left out.

i.m a lil hurt right now....so don.t get me wrong. i love working in the haunted house...but i wanted to be with nicole...or someone i knew....but now i.m by myself cuz i can.t stand or anything for a long time....i hate this

when i called her today they were having so much fun and i was suppose to be there...but now i can.t and it.s not fuken fair.

i want this stupid thing off so i can go do normal stuff again. so people will stop having to hold doors open and carry shit to my car for me....i want to be able to do stuff for myself....

this cast thing really sucks, i.m going through all this emotional stuff because my freakin leg. i can.t walk. i can.t play soccer. i can.t DO anything thanks to the excruciating pain my ankle is in. i absolutely cannot stand this. i sobbed on the phone with stevie last night. and for the first time ever he let me cry. maybe the whole 'probation' thing is working. gawd i hate that word. it sounds so criminal and cold and unfeeling. when really that.s not how i feel about the situation at all. it.s just that i.m not gonna believe it.s gonna work between us until i see a consistent change. i guess so far so good...i think we.re both trying now. i think eventually i plan to scan my scrapbook pictures on here....well maybe not i don.t even have my last name on this site let alone my pictures....sooo scracth that.

homecoming is saturday. i want to go really bad. but at the same time i am dreading the dance. going around on crutches all night isn.t going to be fun (after almost a week i have bruises on my arms, a weird friction rash on my sides, and calouses on my hands)...but i know there will be lots of laughs and good times so that.ll make up for it....i hope.

newspaper came out today. i read through the entire thing and found about a million and two mistakes....but...it looked goood...and i did eight pages of the layout all by myself. how cool is that?>? well i think it.s awesome.

on a lighter note. i love the friendship group i have this year. nicole, blair-ey and linnsey are such great friends...and i am so happy that we have formed our own little 'clique' it.s hard to stay with friends this year becuase so many people go home every day...at least sarah and balir are there half the time not to mention i prolly do something with blair and linnsey every weeked. :) i dunno how to explain it...i just feel so lucky. like today blair forgot to say goodbye to me in english so she came back cuz she felt bad. how sweet is that? i dunno things like that are just amazing to me.

this could quite possibly be the worst weekend that i.ve had for a long time...i broke up with stevie on friday because i didn.t feel like i was getting what i needed out of the relationship...in fact charlie prolly worded it the best "you know you.re in love with him, but you also know that there.s something wrong in the relationship"

stevie and i have talked since then...and basically what i.m getting out of him is that he wants to be together and he.s willing to change...o but wait there.so much more.

at my soccer game todya i practically broke my ankle. same thing i did 4 years ago. 'cept somehow this hurts so much worse...i.m in a splint now to let it swell and i get a cast on tuesday...ya crutches again! :S

so here.s what i.m thinking...if stevie is really willing to change and show me that he loves me then why the hell isn.t he over at my house right now....obviously he isn.t willing to change...it.s not my job to tell him everything he could do to show me...is it really that hard for guys to know what to do and when to do it? i really don.t mean to sound selfish or like i want the relationship to be all about me...it.s just that you think he would catually think about what i said and how he can approve or whateve...i dunno...

my ankle hurts and the meds that the dr. gave me makes me wanna goto sleep so...ya

newspaper was fun today...but incredibly stressful (what else is new?)...i edited about a million and two stories and then charlie and i had the neatest conversation...i guess some other people were involved in it too...but mostly charlie and me....

i think i would have a crush on him if it wasn't for stevie...but that seems to be happening a lot recently....

in other news with me...i have a B in math now..t.hank the lord...but i have to do well on this test this coming wednesday...

OMG my life is boring...i really need to learn to let go off all my inhibitions and get down to the nitty gritty in regards to this journal.

fat and ugly-well i watched dr. phil's weight loss challenge today and the show was suppose to be about how in order to loose weight it.s important to get rid of your negative feelings by replacing them with positive ones...so i tried it, but i couldn.t replace it with positive ones regarding my appearance. i absolutely hate the way i look. and i don.t know how to change the way i think about myself...except if i change myself. well there.s my deep thought for the day.

keep in mind i.m a huge nerd....but this piece of writing really touched me...i love it.

The hilltop. The setting sun lies pierced by his own crystal spears, bleeding purple and crimson from every vein. Before his splendor the green pine grove is dulled, turns vaguely red; and from the flushed transparent grass and small flowers a penetrating and luminous essences emanates.

I stopped entranced in the twilight. Platero, his black eyes turned to scarlet by sunset, walks softly to a pool of crimson, violet, rose-colored waters; gently he sinks he mouth into these mirrors, which again become liquid at his touch; and there is a profuse passing of dark waters up his huge throat.

I know this place well; but, the moment has changed it and made it portentous. At any moment an unearthly adventure may befall us, an abandoned castle may loom before us...Evening prolongs itself beyond itself, and the hour, imbued with the spirit of eternity, is infinite, peaceful, beyond sounding.

ok well i.m updating cuz two people have told me too...probably the only two people who read this but that.s besides the point...i went to this journal prompt sight and it actually has some kewl things...so i.m gonna take one...and it reads : Make a list of the top 10 values or beliefs you have.

1-never do drugs. 2-never cheat on anyone. 3-God. 4-never let dreams die. 5-'it is better to feel too much than too little.' 6-take risks. 7-love MY life. 8-never indulge in myself. 9-support what i believe in. 10-have a good tyme.

well...i have a c in math...i just got a d on my last freakin quiz...ick....but honest to GOd i was more worried about my dad.s reaction than the actual grade...but guess what...?>?> i told him and he said it was ok

he actually said that it.s just gonna take time for me to get used to his grading policies and the way he makes up tests....and i was like... 'who they hell are you and where is my father?' it was so crazy...but i.m feeling totally relieved...

junior year is actually pretty chill considering i have a 3.86 right now and that.s with a c in math....so if i get that up to a B then i.m at a 4.0...and if english comes up to an a then i.m at a 4.15 so that.s tight....i just gotta keep working hard

oh ya and i got voted CSF secretary today...at least it.ll look good on college applications....i.m trying just to not care about whether other people consider me a nerd....i mean i KNOW i am....but i don.t care if that.s what it takes to get me into NYU then that.s what i.ll do...so i.m hoping that my extracurriculur activities will make up for my non 4.infinite gpa.....and my LOW sat scores... i guess that.s it...ttyl later

i wrote this big long entry about a whole bunch of stuff like 3 days ago, and my computer froze, so it disappeared and i think that.s really dumb! but ya. my neighbor died. well they moved to utah and then he died...the thing is he lived across the street from me for like ever....my handprints are stained on his driveway in blue paint when his granddaughter and i were like 5. and it was weird when he moved....but it.s so sad that he.s not alive anymore. but at the same time i.m nowhere near as emotional as i probably should be. it.s just that i think i am becoming hardened....like because i.ve been through death so many flippin times...i just don.t care anymore....i hope not....i think that.s sick. if i am like that. i think that it would just be so wrong.

i guess bill and i made up...i dunno i yelled at him after the last letter he sent me telling him he couldn.t just pretend him disappearing for 6 monthes was no big deal...i hate when people act fukin nonchalant about everything...it was a big deal to me....so don.t act like u don.t give a shit.....unless u want the wrath of jewels upon u....do i have a wrath? l0l

my friend is sorta kinda not really into me. i usually know what "sorta kinda not really" means....but this time i have no flippin clue....and it really bugs me....it just makes things more complicated....it probably shouldn.t i mean really shouldn.t i be like that.s flattering but i have stevie.....but now i.m thinking of all the what-ifs....and i.m officially confused. so that.s that...comment please...my comment page is lonely

"well i wrote you a little note telling everyone i was back on the internet, but never heard back from you, well i hope all is well, and if you let me know i will tell you everything that has gone on...

i could keep saying i am sorry, but it will not get me any further than this, please at least write me back to tell me it you still want to talk....

josh says hi

love bill"

ok i have so much to talk about yesterday was great. i.m so happy for nicole. i really am. she was so surprised with all the limo things. she had no idea what so ever. and then her party was fun. lots of people there. stevie and i fought. well according to him i fought. he never fights with me. either way. he brought sean. that pissed me off. but i understood why. so he and sean played pool all night. i am not gonna sit there in that hot garage watching some lame ass movie and their never-ending pool games, when i can be outside chillin with like all my friends. so it bugged me that he holed himself up in her garage. but i had fun. and after he took sean home he swam with me in the pool. so i liked that part. :)

boys are so fickle to me tho. it.s like girls make up their mind about something and stick to it. i dunno. oh and my other rant..."honesty is the best policy" = CRAPOLA if u don.t have fun somewhere or whatever, then don.t say it....do the general ya it was great thing...u don.t have to say...well i could have had fun sumwhere else...really...that.s really screwed up

on a lighter note, first soccer game today *w0otwo0t* we won 2-1...i played for like 2 quarters of the first half....so that actually equals one full quarter of the whole game,...i HATE being out. it.s dumb. if my team only had 11 players i would be so much happier...but anyway...the second half he didn.t take me out till i asked...i was tired! the field was really small so we didn.t have any tyme to recuperate after making a run down field...it was great though...i forgot how much i actually loved soccer.......stevie didn.t come :( but devie called me up and was like "jewels i really wanna come see you play" he.s so freakin nice to me...but i didn.t call him back last night cuz it was too late...i didn.t get home till like 1115, so ya he didn.t come by...but he.s like the kewlest friend ever...seriously...i shoulda invited him to cole.s party...oh well

all and all the weekend has been so great so far. can.t wait till tomorrow...l0l bye guys :)

love. what a strange word. with so many meanings, it.s one of my most frequently used words. i love nicole. i love my parents. i love stevie. i love soccer. i love alex, devie, and charlie. i love strawberries. i love writing. all differently. how can a four letter word be used so many different ways? how can four letters be arranged in such a way to cause fear, pain, confusion, happiness, security, contentement?

nicole asked me a long time ago if i would write down my definition of love for her. ya. here it is.

love. you only have to feel t once to know exactly what it is. it is not constant, but unconditional. it is not easy nor a chore. it is an atmosphere that surrounds you when you.re with a person. an atomosphere that you breathe in and out. it is not always felt, but is always there. it is confusion until the person comes near. it is sadness until 'the one' grazes his hand across yours. it blurs colors with tears and darkness iwth kisses. it is comfort and pain, even at the same time. it.s security and neglect. it.s jealousy and anger balanced with romance and friendship. love is a million things occuring all at the same exact time over and over again. it can lay dormant of years or come dressed in bright clothing to be seen by all. love just is.