Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name...
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: 'Eleanor Rigby' by the Beatles

It has come full circle. I am, once again, miserable. Thanks in large part to my doctor who blames me for everything. Have they ever thought instead of blaming me for things they should try to offer solutions? I mean, call me crazy but aren't doctors problem solvers? I understand that a certain accountability lies on my own shoulders but there is only so much that one person can do without some kind of medical intervention. I have also discovered that I like to be on the giving end of medicine and not the recieving end. People can be so mean for absolutely no reason. So much for empathy and compassion...

In other news...it snowed like hell here this past weekend so I got stuck at my apartment all my lonesome. I didn't really mind it all that much, to be honest. It gave me time to just chill. I made chicken parm from scratch Sunday night for dinner. I ate it for lunch and dinner on Monday, too. I guess I over-cooked a little. Lisa and Fritz were supposed to come over and we were supposed to drop some acid but the snow kept them home. I didn't really want to do acid that much anyway. I have a feeling that it's not going to be the best drug for me to experiment with. There's this kid, Keith, that they're trying to hook me up with but like everything, I'm not holding my breath for it. Somehow these things never work out for me.

I actually seriously started looking into gastric bypass surgery seriously. I think it's the only thing that's going to help me for good. The only thing that I'm worried about is not having the insurance cover it. I've had two physicians tell me that they think it's medically necessary but working in the medical field, I know how shitty insurance companies can be. I might even see if I can get a personal loan. I probably won't be able to get approved but I have to do something or else I'm doomed to a life of misery. I'm going to call the doctors that can do this. I'm a little nervous because the hospital that I work for doesn't have any good gastroenterologists. But oh well...

I better get back to work...

Slow down, you crazy child...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Watching The X Files

I worked day shift today so I had to get up at like 6am. When I came home, I took a nap so now I'm wide awake. At least I don't have to be back at work until 3pm. I still have to take my Christmas stuff down but there's no time. I have no time to do anything because I sleep all the fucking time. No matter what time it is that I go to bed and set my alarm.

My mom and I were talking about my father's ordination party today and I swear it's like planning a wedding. And you know, I'm taking it seriously because I have a feeling that it's going to be the only wedding that I am ever going to plan in my life. What a sad thought.

I am feeling unusually fat and disgusting today. I have to be getting my period soon. I am very concious of what I am eating lately and am recently getting embarrased to eat in front of people no matter what it is that I'm eating. Today at lunch, there were people in the lunch room that I'm not too familiar with...I know them but that's about it...but I feel comfortable enough around. For some reason, I could not bring myself to heat up my food and eat. I am embarrased by myself and I guess that this is the way to materialize it. I dunno...I'm just freakin' looney, I guess.

So no one told you life was going to be this way...
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: The 90s Hits Channel on digital cable

This biotch needs a shower something bad! No one's home with me so why should I even bother? LOL!

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I was reading over my past entries but I started to get depressed so I decided to stop reading and start writing.

I think the last time I wrote I was talking about my new crush, Josh. He was my single reason for going to work every day but naturally someone had to ruin it for me by telling him I have the hots for him. Now it's just awkward and everyone knows. It's like people found out that I had one thing that would keep me going and they took it away from me by making me uncomfortable every time he's around. I, as expected, played psycho-stalker and drove past his house all the time for three or four days. Hey, it's his fault for being in the phone book. I'll never go after him or do anything because like I said, he'd married and has a kid...along with a HUGE house in the 'burbs. I guess it's good to be a doctor. Maybe after I graduate school, I can be his neighbor. Maybe not. I obsess way too much over him. I think about him constantly. This was so dumb...I was watching the Discovery Health Channel and they had this thing on about water births and I was thinking in my head that if he and I ever had kids, I'd have him come in the tub with me for a water birth. How fucked up is that? The only thing that I have to say for myself is that he is the object of obsession for the moment and this too shall pass. It happens a lot with me. First it was John, then it wa just the mere fact of having a boyfriend at all, now it's Josh. It'll go away soon and I'll think to myself, "Self, what were you thinking when you decided to pick him to waste X amount of time thinking about when you could have been doing something productive?"

Enough of that shit. Like I said, I've been feeling pretty good about things and myself lately. One of the things that makes me scared is knowing that some time soon it will come full circle and I'll be miserable again. I don't want to think like that right now, though. I have so much stuff that miss when I feel sorry for myself and I don't want to miss out on life anymore. I was listening to the radio the one day on my to work and the song 'I Hope You Dance' by Lee Ann Womack came on. I think it was the first time that I ever listened to the lyrics and it kind of hit me when she said "May you never take one single breath for granted". I was like, 'Wow. I take it all for granted some times and I shouldn't'. Especially in light of the whole Tsunamo situation, I should be especially greatful for what I have instead of feeling sorry for myself for what I do not. I don't know, I was like something somewhere deep inside of me snapped out of whatever funk I was in. I was like, wait a minute, this isn't right. So since then, I've been back 'on the happiness wagon'. It's been nearly a week and there was only once that I almost blew it. Saturday, I was miserable. Instead of picking up the phone and calling my friends, I sat at home pissed off that they didn't call me. I was brooding almost all day. Then I was like, 'Back the bus up...quit feeling like a victim and do something about it.' So I did. Yea Me!

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Can you tell that I haven't talked to people much in the past few days?

If I could fall into the sky...
Mood:  crushed out

So perhaps my crush is unrequited but it makes me feel good despite that.

I just want John to know that he could never even come close to Josh. Josh sits on top of the highest mountain and John is 'ameboas on fleas on rats'in my mind. Josh is the defintion of a man and John is a little boy that still lives with his mommy.

Even though nothing will ever come of Josh and I (perhaps because he is happily married), I still respect him and hold him high.

I was all by myself

alone...

alone...

alone...

alone...

Mama said think before speaking
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: "My Stupid Mouth" by John Mayer

So I just got back from my neurologist's office and he wants me to go to see a neurosurgeon. Lucky me. So much for me starting school in January. He wants me to get an LP shunt placed to help the CSF fluid drain. Who knows, though...Dr. Li (the neurosurgeon) might not even think that I'm a good surgical candidate. He's a big to-do at the office that I work at so I guess I'll have to trust his judgement. But what do I really know about him other than he's an asshole sometimes when he comes into where I work? I hear that he's good at what he does. I guess everyone's got to be good at something. I go back to see Margraf in a month and he's going to talk to Li in the meantime. So I probably won't know for sure for the next few months what's going to go on. I'm thinking March is when I'll end up having the surgery. Do I want it? Well, yes and no. But I think I want to stop having headaches more than I don't want the surgery. Maybe all the stress will make me lose weight so all of this will clear up on it's own. But then again, this is me we're talking about. The older I get, the fatter I get and no matter how hard I try there seems to be nothing I can do for it. But like I said...everybody's got to be something.

Don't...stop..Everybody get on the floor
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The voices in my head

Thanksgiving was a general pain in my ass. Now all I have to get through alive is Christmas and New Year's.

I have a party to go to tonight. Fritz turned 21 on the 24th and tonight there's a big party for him at Jonas's house. Lisa says everyone is asking if I'm coming because they all want me there. For some reason, I find that hard to believe. But it's true. I heard people yelling for me in the background when we were on the phone. I don't know why I have a tough time accepting that people like me and want to be around me. Maybe I should just get my head out of my ass and focus on the good people in my life like them instead of the people that make me miserable like John. I want him to just move away so I can forget about him forever.

I'm not too in the mood to party. The last few times that I've gone out, I haven't been able to get hammered because I've had to drive. I suppose that is a good thing but I miss getting drunk. It's like missing a bad ex-boyfriend. You want them there because they are something and it's your comfort zone. God forbid if I walk outside of my comfort zone! Look, I think I'm doing fairly well. Instead of going home to my half gallon of strawberry ice cream, I'm going out to party a little.

A good friend of mine and I were talking last night and she said to me, "There's more to life than ice cream." I'm going to write a book and call it that. You all heard it here first! It's my idea and if anyone takes it, I'm suing their ass!!! t'll be about coping with major depression and my battle with it. Hopefully I can help people deal with their problems. But until then, it looks like I'm going to have to deal with mine.

Shut up just shut up shut up!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The buzzing and banging of an MRI machine

I have just been in a general pissy mood for the past few weeks and I hope that some time soon it goes away. I hate people and I hate being around them sometimes. It takes everything that I have to get out of bed in the morning but Monday thru Friday I do for the sake of a place to live. Saturdays and Sundays are questionable. I don't feel like working and when I do, it lasts for about 10 seconds. I want to crawl under a rock and hide. Nothing new ever goes on and I hate that. My life is a boring, worthless, useless exsistance and I am a piece of shit.

Don't let your life pass you by...
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: 100.7 FM

I have had a shitty past few days and I fear that it's not going to get any better for a while.

I didn't take my diagnosis of psuedotumor cerebri seriously and I fear that I should have. I had to go for another spinal tap on Friday and I think that there are some not good results that came out of it. My neurologist wants to see me sooner than planned so I'm wondering what was found on the tap. How sad is this...I kind of want there to be something wrong. I like the attention. That is the most horrible thing that I have ever admitted in my life. That's part of the reason that I want to get out of the medical field. I am a sick, sad person.

Whatcha waiting whatcha waiting whatcha waiting for?
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Gwen Stefani

I don't really like No Doubt but for some reason, I like this song. This too shall pass...

So, nothing incredibly exciting has gone on in the past few weeks. I signed up for school and all I have to do is get approved with financial aide and I'm in like Flynn. I'm going back for visual communications. We'll see how far that gets me compared to the medical field. I can see myself doing something that I love and making money at the same time. Go me!

I'm still single and fear that I will be for the rest of my life.

That's my life...and boy doesn't it suck!