Wow. Talk about a workload. It seems like everything is due the same week here. I have a test tonight is Pyschology...I had absolutely no motivation to study for it, I had to force myself.
I mean, how can you get motivated to study for something when all the test questions look like this: "There are significant differences between respondant and operant conditioning techniques, with respect to environment, behavior and conditioning. Select two of these differences and explain the effects of each on the learning process."
Really, after I finish one of these tests, I feel like Han Solo after being interrogated by Darth Vader. He lays down on that little deal that slides out of the wall (which is really cool by the way) and he says in this weak voice, "They didn't even ask me any questions."
And then, on top of that, I've got a Revolutionary America test tomorrow, so as soon as I get home from one test tonight, I get to start studying for the next one. Yippee! And then, I also have to review five articles for another class, and that's due on Thursday....oh well.
I'm sure I will survive, but it's just a bunch of mindless busy work that isn't helping me be a better teacher or anything like that....frustrating.
Hi Manderz!....just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today....*wraps arms around you and gives you a great big hug*!
Jake said sayonara @3:52 PM
10.23.03
hmmm, Having a bit of a mental crisis this afternoon. Just got out of class, walked back to my pick up by myself. Drove home, by myself. Came into this house, by myself...and sit here, all alone. Tonight, I will be all alone.
This is the sum of my life. It's just one of those moments of realization that I have nothing to show for the last two months. I mean, yeah, I've talked to a few people, but what do I have to show for it....seemingly a bunch of people who only talk to me because they feel obligated too, and if they didn't, they wouldn't.
Jake said sayonara @3:22 PM
10.21.03
Cartoons. I think they are the secret to my sanity. They are what keep me sane. Without them, I think I would go nuts.
I was re-watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and I was struck by several things. First, a scene in which Lucy is sitting on the floor reading TV Guide....and who is on the cover of that TV Guide, you ask. Well, amazingly enough, Lucy is on the cover of the TV Guide....pretty cool.
It's amazing how much TV has changed since that was taped. It only has five commercials in it. And I don't mean commercial breaks, I mean the whole thing only has five commercials. If it aired today, there would be at least nine.
It also amazes me that those 25 minutes of cartoon footage, have essentially enshrined the modern view of Halloween. To so many Americans that simple TV special made in 1963 symbolizes everything that is good and pure and wholesome about Halloween.....and oh, that music....I love that music, I could listen to that over and over and over again.
I couldn't help but notice that Linus spends all night in the pumpkin patch. There's something appealing to me about staying out all night on Halloween night in the middle of a pumpkin patch...or some such place. It's the stuff dreams are made out of...I think there's a part in every kid that would love to do something like that. That is, of course, except for those wussy little kids who are afraid of Halloween and their parents taught them that it was forged by the devil or something like that.
Damn, I think I really need to get laid....or something.
Jake said sayonara @ 8:32 PM
10.19.03
Well, I spent most of my weekend in a bad mood. I think it all started on Thursday evening when I watched the Howard Stern show. There was this really hot chick on there and she was going to screw a listener. The guy that won was this absolute loser who was a virgin....and he got to bang this freaking hot chick.....it was kind of depressing to know that that first class loser could screw something like that-- and here I am, reduced to watching it.....at my PARENTS house. Of course, I could have changed the channel, but she was just so damned hot.
And then there was the usual torture on Saturday. Saturdays are always bad when I go to football games and I see all these gorgeous women roaming around....I mean, yeah, it's visually stimulating, but it's just kind of sad to know that 99% of those girls wouldn't even give me a second look. Of course, I have to remind myself that most of them I wouldn't want to have anything to do with anyways, because they are brain dead wonders.
And Saturday was even double the torture that it usually is....because me and Mark and Fulton went to Hooters. Damn. That's all I can say about that.
And then at the football game, there was the usual temptation...thousands of hot girls, smoking. I don't know what it is, I can watch a thousand guys smoke and a thousand old hags smoke, and it repulses me....but I watch one good looking girl smoke- and it makes me want one.....bad (the cigarette, not the girl....well, wait a second....hmmm...)...anyways, you get the idea....so I have also been craving that for the last two days.
Boy, I don't usually talk about stuff like that here, but oh well, I'll have something more light-hearted the next time.
Jake said sayonara @ 6:04 PM
10.12.03
Comfortable. That's the word I find myself coming back to more and more. Comfortable. That's how I want a relationship to feel. I don't want to have to feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not or anything like that...I just want us to be comfortable with each other.
Like, curl up on the couch comfortable. Or, socks comfortable. Fuzzy sweatshirt on a cold day comfortable. Rainy day comfortable. The way I feel when I look at my little ceramic haunted house that lights up, or a Christmas tree...the way I feel when the humidifier is running or something like that.
Hmmm, I think more and more, that's how I find myself describing what I want my life to be....comfortable. Not necessarily that I don't do anything with it, just a little more stable, I'm sick of all the moving around and stuff like that. I'm sick of being in debt and not having a job and all of that.
In other news, I found out last week that one of my role models over the past ten years is addicted to prescription pain killers.....that's kind of weird. I mean, I know it's not like he was a serial killer or anything, but it still makes you realize that everyone has their faults. Except for Amanda Stevens, she's nearly perfect in every way.
For some reason I'm having a real hard time concentrating on school work now. Something threw me for a loop and now I just can't hardly bring myself to sit down and do any of it. I know I've got papers to write and two books to read, but every time I have time to do it, I just don't for some reason. It seems like I would rather be working on making my own classes better...but lately, I haven't even been doing that. I've just been sitting here wasting time. I need to figure out how to get motivated again.
Well, I will stop there for now. More later.
Jake said sayonara @ 10:28 PM
10.06.03
Deep thoughts on Nickelodeon revised...
Tommy Pickles. The first time I watched "Rugrats All Grown Up", I realized Nickelodeon made a horrible mistake with their characterization of Tommy as a Jr. High student. He was just another average nobody. No way. Tommy is a leader and he will always be larger than life at any level of school or life.
Do the kids on Rocket Power ever play any normal sports?
The people at that network have made another mistake by abandoning Hey Arnold. They hardly even put it on any more...they prefer to show stupid programming that noone would watch like "My life as a Teenage Robot."
Speaking of "My Life as a Teenage Robot" this brings me to another point. Nickelodeon is the worst rip-off artist in the world. They flagrently plagerize other cartoons. The Rugrats is nothing but the Muppet Babies Reborn. Jimmy Nuetron is a rip-off of Dexter's Labratory and is it any surprise that the afore mentioned Robot cartoon came out just a few months after the Cartoon Network debuted their show called "The Adventures of Robot Jones (in the cartoon Network case, the show is about a "boy" robot and his experiences in school....in the Nick show, it's a "girl" robot and her experiences being a "teenage" robot).
Helga G. Petaki. Hmmm, I wonder if she's related to the honorable Governor of her state, George Petaki. At some point in her life, Helga needs to...for lack of a less used cliche...crap or get off the pot. She has that shrine built to Arnold in her closet. That's just weird. She should tell Arnold what's up...I mean, she might leave the part out about the shrine. What was it John Michael Montgomery said "Life's a Dance". When I was 14, I was fallin' fast for a blue eyed girl in my home room class. Trying to find the courage to ask her out was like trying to get oil from a water spout. What she said, I can't say, because I never did ask and she moved away. But I learned something from that blue eyed girl, sink or swim you've gotta give it a whirl.
Trust me on that one Helga, I have some personal experience with that. When I was in High School I spent all my time longing for one girl, and completely missed my opportunities to make good on it.
Speaking of that, Tonight is Monday, which means the girl I have been trying to get to know better will be there....at some point, I need to take my own advice to heart.
Arnold. When that fateful day does come, Arnold should grab hold of Helga and run with her. She's smart, she's funny, she loves to talk....and as soon as she's old enough to care about personal grooming, she'll get rid of that one eyebrow thing. Beside, her sister is pretty hot, how could she miss.
Sponge Bob has to be gay.
Courtney. Courtney is a character on "As Told By Ginger". She's the preppy stuck up girl that's the most popular girl in school. I feel for her, because occasionally she shows the heart of a real person, but she is so hopelessly lost in this maze of popularity that is highschool, she can't get out. The sad thing is, I have seen people who were just like that.
By the way, I don't watch that show a lot, just occassionally. I think the two guys in that show are hilarious....I can't even remember their names, Hoodsy and something.
One last thought for now. They're not on Nickelodeon, but it's the Peanuts. There is a very similar situation in the Peanuts as the Helga, Arnold situation so it is worth mentioning in the annals of time here. That is Sally and Linus. Sally's affections for Linus are much more overt than Helgas. But here is a note to Linus, you are a fool. Sally's going to be a really good looking girl some day....ok, so she's an idiot, but come on Linus, you're kind of a nerd...go with what's there. Once again, I can speak from personal experience on this one, when I was in Highschool I passed up several girls who liked me, and who I probably could have really liked, because I was chasing after that one girl.
Ok, enough of my insane ramblings for now, perhaps more later.
Jake said sayonara @ 4:13 PM
9.29.03
"I'm like the arrow that springs from the bow...no doubts, no hesitations."
My mind is more clear right now than it has felt in years. And it's just in time too. October is my month. The weather is perfect, the air is perfect, the holidays are wonderful......well, I'm not real big on Columbus Day, but you can't win them all.
I feel more concentrated, more focused than I have been in a long time. I don't know what has made the difference....but it all just seems easier.
School seems easy...except for that Psyschology test I took tonight...but the History classes seem so easy to me. The Education classes so simple, it's like all of a sudden my mind just opened up and I can see everything.
It has become so much easier to talk to people in class. I have talked to more people since I have gotten here than I did in my four previous years in college. It's amazing. Especially this girl Dana in my Psychology class...she's really neat. Neat, boy there's a Clark Kent word for you....I need to come up with something else...swell, no that's even worse.
Eggplants....ugh, do I even need to say it any more.......they are still not asthetically pleasing.
Get that wasp off my sandwich.
Jake said sayonara @ 10:50 PM
9.10.03
"Curse my feeble brain."
I don't know if that's an exact quote, but it's appropriate. I screwed up again tonight. Ever since I got here, I have been looking for some of the girls from Reydon. Tonight, I finally see them and what do I do, I freeze up. No, "Hey, here's my phone number," no "Come on over some night..." or anything like that....so, curse my socially maladjusted brain.
But, then again, at the same time, I'm not sure if that's a group of people I need to revisit. I mean, here I was, on the verge of making some really big breakthroughs with several different people....really coming out of my shell so to speak....and then wham, I get hit by a blast from the past like that.
Oh well, tomorrow is Thursday again. Damn, the weeks are just flying by. It's hard to believe I have already been in school a month. Before I know it, it will all be over. It's all happening too quickly. I have not accomplished what I set out to.
There's a part of me that thinks maybe I am trying just a little too hard. Like this whole thing should be happening a little easier. You know, it should just click.
On the other hand, during the days, I am getting a shitload of stuff done. I mean, if I can get a job next year, I am going to come out with the world on fire. It'll almost be like a whole new teacher in front of the class. I vow that I will never get burned out again and I will cherish each and every day I am given in the classroom.
Jake said sayonara @ 9:48 PM
9.03.03
"It's your own fault, Charlie Brown, because you're so wishy washy."
So said Sally to her older brother. That's how I feel all the time. I don't even really know what wishy washy means, but I'm pretty sure it defines me in some way. Everything is my fault, somehow...I mean, that I'm here, and by myself and everything else.
It's almost like I have forgotten how to interact with other people sometimes. I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge, the miserable old miser sitting behind his desk, counting money. Oh wait, I don't have any money, bad example.
I mean, I don't want to be that way. I would love to be a very sociable person and have a lot of fun and go out and have a good time, but I just don't know how. I just wish I had a better way to meet people.
But, I want to meet people like me. People who are smart AND can still have a good time. I don't want to hang out with the brainless wonders who think there is nothing more to life than drinking beer three nights a week. And I don't want to hang out with the people who are so religiously pious...the "holyier than thou" crowd. And I don't want to hang out with a bunch of people who are intellectual snobs.
I made such good progress last week too. I really felt like I was accomplishing something, coming out of my shell, so to speak. And then, this week has been kind of blah... I will keep trying though, that's all I can do.
It's like someone once said, when you trip over your own feet enough, you stop looking at where you're going and start looking at your feet. I need to lift my head up again and focus on the goal.
Chapter Seven of the Hook story has gotten really good review, that's seven for seven. I guess I have really struck a chord with a lot of people with this story. People seem to like the character of Captain Hook. Either that, or I am just riding the wave of popularity that pirate stories seem to be having lately (aka Pirates of the Carribean).
Well, that's enough for now...I'll come back in a day or two, after Thursday night's round two with Robert in the battle over the sexy chick. Heck, it's probably not even much of a battle, she's surely got a boyfriend or something already...but, it never hurts to try. Friday should be alright too.
Jake said sayonara @ 8:09 PM
8.27.03
"Time is a precious thing, never waste it."
Boy am I bored. I forgot just what college was like. It's that old feeling of sitting around waiting to go to bed. I really need to find something to occupy my time with.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm trapped in a shell and I need to bust out. I know this sounds like a broken record, but if I could ever just tap into that alter-ego that gets up in front of the class.
Hmmm, alter-ego. Strange that I call him that. When, in actuality, I think that is who I really am. And the quiet reserved person is just some sort of cover. I mean, after all, isn't Clark Kent really Superman....and not the other way around.
Gosh, the one class I know I could help is that Teaching Social Studies class. I mean, that class is so boring...and the guy teaching it has never taught in public schools. If I could just cut loose in that class, I could tell them all sorts of wild stuff...I wish I had the opportunity. They have no idea who that quiet guy is...
I've got to talk to her. That girl...I missed my chance monday night, but I know where she'll be Thursday night...and if not then, then I will wait til the next time I see her in the monday night class....I mean, I know a lot can happen in two weeks, but I have to try.
But, at the same time, I can't completely concentrate on her, because if I did, then I might overlook someone very special in the next two weeks...I mean, someone else could just walk right under my nose.
I've done that before. I spent my entire highschool career longing for Amanda Stevens and in the end, what did I get, nothing. I look back on that now and see a hundred girls who probably liked me that I didn't even give a second thought to because of her. Not again.
It's funny...even after all these years, late at night, when my sleeping, dreaming brain starts wandering, it still goes back to Amanda Stevens. That world class Tri-Athelete haunts my dreams endlessly.
Jake said sayonara @ 10:30 PM
8.24.03
"You've heard of the fury of a woman scorned...well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a woman who's been cheated out of trick or treat."
Well, One week in and nothing seems to be the way it supposed to be. It was all supposed to happen easier than this. I was supposed to be talkative and funny in my classes. I was supposed to be social, I was supposed to get out and meet people....and instead, I have sat here by myself every day.
With the exception of the magazine girl, I haven't even talked to a girl yet.
I guess it has just been three days of class though, a year of college should not be won or lost on the basis of the first three days of class. After all, I have two classes that I haven't even been to yet.
I'm tired of hearing about other people's adventures. I want to have some of my own. I want to have friends. I want be able to enjoy myself. I want to be able to talk to people and see them and have them right here with me and we can all have a good time.
I want to laugh.
I want to be happy.
I want to have people care about whether or not I am there. You know, I want them to say, "Hey, Jake's not here, we need to call him up and get him over here." I don't think that's ever happened before. It's always, "Oh, man, we had the best time last night." and I say, "well you should have called me..." or something like that and they say "Oh, We didn't even think about that." This has been the case my whole life. I have been an invisible presence in peoples lives. My preants have never even really cared whether I was there. Every single second of my sisters life is recorded on video or photograph....and there's a couple pictures of me....anything of mine that has been videotaped gets recorded over for the latest episode of ER or some crap like that.
My parents watch far too much TV. They schedule their lives around what's going to be on next. Personally, I think it's a useless thing. I use it as a movie screen and that's about it.
I wonder, after all this is said and done, will I be any more hireable? Will a Principal look at my Resume and say "OOh, he has his Masters..." or will they say "Oh, he has his Masters, that means we'll have to pay him more."
"There's no earthly way of knowing...which direction we are going....or which way the river's flowing...Is it raining, is it snowing, is a hurricane a blowing. Not a speck of light is showing so the danger must be growing. Are the fires of hell aglowing? Is the grizzly reaper mowing? YES! The danger must be growing for THE ROWERS KEEP ON ROWING, AND THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!" Sorry, I just felt that coming on. They're making the new Wonka movie soon...Johnny Depp as Wonka...I find it odd that nobody gives a rat's ass who plays Charlie...he's actually the main character. I guess Wonka's just the man.
Jake said sayonara @ 10:30 PM
8.16.03
"There ain't no voice that's louder, than the one inside your brain."
This is the end. The end of a very long year for me. A new one is now beginning. Today is my last day in Enid. What the next year will hold in store for me, I have no idea, but I'm sure it will prove to be interesting.
I spent last night in the loneliness of this apartment, with just my thoughts to keep me company. Packing up all my stuff...how would one of my favorite singers put it "It took me years, to get those souveniers, and I don't know how they slipped away from me..." or something like that.
I wish I could capture the students I had second semester last year. I just want to hold on to that group and never let them go, teach them everything I know. They have no idea what they meant to me. They saved me from a year of substituting...I got to go in there and do what I do best. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll never get into a class again. I mean, think about it, this is the second August in a row that I have been out of the loop. Sitting on the sidelines.
Well, hopefully, the next time I write here, it will be with a happier spirit and a positive attitude. It might be a few days, because I don't have an internet connection in the new town yet. But, until then, this is me, signing off....see you on the flipside.
Jake said sayonara @ 9:31 AM
8.11.03
"Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory."
The day is approaching quickly now that I begin on this new journey in my life. For what purpose I am being taken down this road, I do not know. But I believe that every place God takes me-- there is a reason.
I may not know it now, but there is a reason I am going back to this town. I just pray that I don't screw it up.....as I have screwed up so many things before.
I'm afraid all the time. I'm afraid of making mistakes that I've made before. I'm afraid of seeing myself ten years from now, and my life is still disorganized as it is right now. But, at the same time, I know that I am just one or two pieces away from having everything just fall right into place. I could have a really good life, if those things could just get figured out.....all I can do is pray.
Jake said sayonara @ 12:12 AM
8.04.03
"I'm reminded of the hetty days of Sputnik and Yuri Gegarin, when the world trembled at the sounds of our rockets. Well, they shall tremble again, at the sounds of our silence."
Well, here we go. Off into the wild blue yonder....or the desert plains of western Oklahoma as the case may be. Weatherford, the last time I was in school there, I wasted all that time, doing nothing. Not this time, I refuse to just sit there and let life pass me by.
I know, SWOSU isn't exactly Norman or Stillwater....but it's still a college town, and everything that goes with that.
I just hope I have enough money. Even with the big loan, I will still probably just barely have enough each month. And this whole thing is pretty much dependent on my getting a job next summer. If I can do that, I will be OK.
There's a school district in Colorado that is building a new highschool to open in 2004. And I don't mean a new building, I mean a new highschool, which means they will need to hire a whole new staff. My Aunt has a friend who was the Assistant Superintendent in that district for years, he is retired now, but he still has a lot of pull. It could be my best chance to get out of Oklahoma.
Oh, by the way, the snozberries still taste like snozberries.....and oh yeah, as always, eggplants are still not asthetically pleasing.
Jake said sayonara @ 11:40 PM
8.01.03
"The snozberries taste like snozberries..."
I'm tired. Tired of everything. This whole summer has just worn me out. I'm tired of looking for a job. I have spent the last two summers looking for a job. I feel like curling up in a ball.
Now, I guess I can just relax....my search is over. My search is over, not because I found a job, but because I guess I just decided not to find one. But, either way, I can forget about it for six months or so, and concentrate on being a student again. Maybe i can get one of those cum things....
You know, Magna Cum Lade, Summa Cum Lade or however it is you spell it...I have never excelled academically, perhaps the best and the brightest will finally show the world what he can do when he puts his mind to it.
Jake said sayonara @ 12:21 AM
8.01.03
"No more happy thoughts."
Well, I've done it. 15 hours, 1500 dollars. Can't find a place to live. And once it's all said and done 15,000 dollars of debt. Wow, what a way to start a new life.
The debt is the part that really bothers me. I mean, I wouldn't mind going to school if it wasn't for the massive debt. It's a lot of money to pay back, and in the end, what do you have to show for it, a little piece of paper and they pay you a thousand dollars a more each month.
Oh well, I guess I can't do anything about the debt. If it must be, it must be. I suppose I should just try and relax and enjoy one more year in college for what it is......a second chance. A second chance at life, a second chance at happiness, a second chance at college, a second chance at getting to do all the stuff that I didn't do the first time I was there.
Jake said sayonara @ 12:14 AM
7.27.03
"It was the dawn of a new age of mankind."
Well, my life seems to have gone down the shitter this summer. I don't know where everything went wrong, but it just seems like nothing works right any more.
I think I am quickly being backed into a corner where I have no other option left, but to go back to college. It's all I have left. I can't just go work, because I'm not qualified to do anything but teach....nobody will hire me....I went down that road last fall.
I am not substituting again...that sucked.
So, there you have it. I will give the job search one more frenzied week, but it nothing comes by August 1st, I am going to have change my direction.
Damn, I love teaching. It's the only thing I have ever found in my life that I do better than anyone else. I mean, I'm sure there's someone out there that's better than me, but I've never met them.
Mark keeps telling me that everything always works out in the end. I'd really like to believe him. I would. But, if everything always works out in the end, how come there are homeless people. How come there are people who haven't had jobs in years. How come there are people that nothing ever goes right for them...
Jake said sayonara @ 5:09 PM
7.23.03
"Time is a precious thing...never waste it."
Well, the last few days has been eventful. Sort of. I mean, it seems like I have done a lot, but in the end, I don't think I really have. Called a couple principals...way far away...and spent a whole bunch of money faxing a bunch of stuff. As much as I have spent this summer faxing stuff, I could have paid for my own fax line.
I just need a break. I need to find a way back in the game.
I finished the Fifth chapter of the Hook story. This is a big step for me, because I'm over the hump. I am officially over half done with that story now. I have never finished one before.
I am still having the Wilhelm Reich problem. I suppose I will for a while, at least until I can find a job and get moved into a new place and start working on that.
I hate the heat. I hate it with a passion. I can't stand it. There is only one thing positive about hot weather, and it speaks for itself. Otherwise, give me cool, fall weather and rainy, misty afternoons.
Wolf Lake, Illinois. It just kind of sounds like a cool place. It sounds like it might be a nice place to just disappear with some girl, and write......amongst other things....
Jake said sayonara @ 9:55 PM
7.20.03
"We just want you to have something to fall back on in case things don't work out."
"Well, I'm not gonna fall back..."
I've only got about three, maybe four weeks before the fit hits the shan. If I haven't found a job by then, I am going to be forced to...fall back.
Fall back on what, I don't have a clue...but that's what I'm looking at. I'm running out of time awfully quickly. As Tom Hanks said in Apollo 13, "The Earth's starting to look awfully big in the window."
Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri, Colorado...the state doesn't matter any more....just as long as I stay in the game. I had to sit on the sidelines for a semester last year....and it sucked. It's just like they say, any athlete in the world would rather start for a losing team than sit on the bench with a winning team. Same goes for me, I'd rather be the first string teacher of some Eskimo school in Alaska than substitute in Enid.
They probably wouldn't hire me either because I don't speak Eskimo.
The job search is driving me insane. I want it to be over. There's something else that's driving me insane too. A student of Freud's (his name was Wilhelm Reich I believe) once said that if we went without it for too long, it would cause insanity. I am starting to believe him....oh well, there's nothing I can do about that right now. Must solve the job problem first.
The Hook story is still going good. I think I may stand a good chance at actually finishing this one. I would just love to finish it, and then throw it in my parents face....on second thought, I think I might wait to throw it at my Dad when it's out in hardback.
Jake said sayonara @ 10:08 PM
7.17.03
"All my dreams torn asunder."
I can't believe I could do something that stupid. I was just in too big of a hurry. My best chance at getting a job in months and I may have ruined it because of a careless mistake.
I hate my apartment. I almost can't bring myself to stay here any more, it just feels like a prison. I need to get out, I need to be around other people, I am sick and tired of solitude.
My ass hurts. I feel like I have been sitting all summer. Sitting in front of the computer, sitting on the couch, sitting in a tractor, sitting in my pickup....sit,sit,sit,sit...that's all I ever do.
The Hook thing is getting bigger than I imagined. I mean, yeah sure, there's only about twenty or twenty five people reading it...but now they are expecting each chapter to be as good and exciting as the one before...what if I disappoint them, what if it doesn't live up to their expectations?
Jake said sayonara @ 9:42 PM
7.12.03
All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to sail her by."
I am experiencing something new. Pressure. Ever since that Pan story was posted, it has gotten such good reviews, and so many people wanting to read more of it, I am afraid of letting them down. What if I can't make the rest of it as good as the first two chapters. I mean, sure, I've got some ideas, but is it enough...can I put those thoughts into words well enough to make it work?
Well, the whole possibilities of me getting a job in Enid were just renewed today. Mr. Melka got arrested yesterday. He teaches at Waller. It's his second arrest for public intoxication, that may be grounds for dismissal. Waller wouldn't be a bad place to end up. I could think of better though....like out of Enid. But, those hopes come and go with each new job I apply for, and each new "Sorry, the position has been filled."
Jake said sayonara @ 8:13 PM
7.10.03
"A war with no battles....no monuments...only casualties."
Boy, I have gone through the entire spectrum of emotions in the past two days. From downright pissed off fighting mad, to depressed, to mildly happy, to whatever.
I talked to another school today. The position was filled yesterday. I was taken aback. It was only posted four days ago. I told them I sent my stuff as quickly as I could. They wanted a quick turn around and already had some applications on file. I started to tell them that was illegal, and the position had to be posted for two weeks before it could be filled, but somehow I don't think that would have helped any.
Another school told me that I had never sent them an applictation....I know for a fact that I did. How else would I have known their school colors were purple and beige BEFORE I went to their website. Purple and beige...yuck.
But, they were at least polite to me. I filled out their online application, will fax stuff tomorrow. Hopefully that will be good enough for them.
Creatively, I am drained. I haven't thought of a creative idea in a long time. There's something about having your life and career hanging out over the abyss that will do that to you. I have no idea where I will be a month from now. The job search is a little more important to me right now than the creative process.
Boy, that would be great. If I could somehow manage to get that job in the next week or so (yeah right). Then I could sit down and really concentrate for a month, and not have that whole lack of job thing hanging over my head.
Sometime, I would really like to see what I could come up with (creatively), if I just had one whole summer to focus on it.....no harvest....no job search...only results. (hoping anyone notices the parallel to the quote at the beginning).
Jake said sayonara @ 10:53 PM
7.08.03
That place between asleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming..."
I've been thinking about the Peter Pan story a lot lately. I think it is the most fully developed of all my ideas and I would have a better shot at finishing it. Wow, imagine that, actually finishing something, that by itself would be a major accomplishment.
But what to do about that pesky third chapter. It's been troubling me for months, I never have figured out to write it correctly. If I can. It bugs me because, the Hook chapters were supposed to come easily, and the Pan chapters were supposed to be hard. But, so far, it has been the opposite,...damn that little brat, Peter Pan.
Then there is the other problem. I seem to have developed this phobia of letting other people read my writing. It's a fear of failure, a fear of rejection. This is not a good thing for a writer to have. I feel like if they reject my writing, they are rejecting me. I guess I'm just afraid to find out that I suck. I guess, at least that way, I would know if I did or not. And if I did, I could quit wasting my time.
Jake said sayonara @ 12:23 AM
6.29.03
"You'll be even better when you begin to understand, what you do not understand."
My Aunt called yesterday trying to encourage me to take out a loan and go back to college. I know, in the end, this may be the best option for me, but it's so hard to put myself in that frame of mind to just decided to do it.
It's like admitting defeat. It's like giving up and saying OK, you're right, I can't get a job and I just need to pack it up and forget the last four years ever happened.
I can certainly see some major advantages to it in more than one aspect of my life. I don't know, I guess I just fear the unknown sometimes. Making that decision is stepping into a whole new world, a new environment that I'm not used to.
Besides that, I am still afraid that I couldn't do the type of research or work that I would have to do to get a Masters or whatever.
And of course, then there's all that work I have done over the past four years, I would feel like all of that was for nothing. Oh well, I guess I wasn't doing anything else with that time.
Jake said sayonara @ 3:42 PM
6.27.03
"Ahhh, Jesus, I like him very much. He no help with curve ball."
I think I figured it all out today. The writing thing. I am closer to a unified whole vision than I have ever been. I Just had the wrong country I think. Not Spain. Why did I think it needed to be Spain. Why not America.
Then, I just need to unify all of my ideas together. The Socialists take over. The Capitalists reach a point of desperation and begin to fight back.
That could lead to my third idea about the planet for Idealist. Hmmmm, that by itself creates problems. Still thinking about that one.
And of course, the war for Antarctica still fits into the whole time line....I think.
Will write more later.
Jake said sayonara @ 8:42 PM
6.26.03
Yo bartender! Jobu needs a refill."
I had a bad dream last night. It wasn't your typical type of bad dream though. I dreamed I hit my dog. I hit Indy. I couldn't imagine anything anything worse than that.
Speaking of Dreams. There are three that I would like to record here. I'm not sure why, I just want to have them written down somewhere. Because, I think that in these dreams there is one of three things. Sheer brilliance, utter stupidity or divine prophecy. I certainly hope it's not the third. These are three "apocolypse" dreams that I have had-- about the "end of the world", or atomic bombs or something like that.
Dream One: All I can remember is, me and a bunch of other people were living in a world where nukes had been detonated. We walked outside and there was this green hazy stuff everywhere. It wasn't just haze though, you could actually touch the stuff, walk through it, jump over it-- breath it in. Yet, it just hung there, in the air. It was a powerful image. I wish I could remember more.
Dream Two: This was the disturbing one. Once again, I can't remember much of it. It was long. It was quite possibly the longest dream I have ever had. The pyramids opened up. Yes, the pyramids opened. The tops seperated and they almost inverted themselves. Then they began transmitting some sort of signal-- to space ships, or God, or who knows what. I think it may be the most scared I have ever been during a dream. There was also a repetive chant in the background. I wish I could remember the chant, all I know is it was in a different language.
Dream Three: More silly than the other two. My third favorite dog, Wendy, somehow managed to activate an atomic bomb by pulling out the cigarette lighter in a pick-up. After witnessing this, my only response was "I think we need to get as far away from here as we possibly can." We ran in the house and threw blankets on top of us...but it never went off. Maybe I am beginning to control my dreams again.
Well, I'm not sure if I want this to turn into a dreamblog, but those three I know I wanted to remember.
Jake said sayonara @ 1:57 AM
6.25.03
"You trying to tell me that Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"
Harvest is over! Yay! *Does a little happy dance*. And I'm getting paid a lot for it too. Yay! *Does another little happy dance.*
Grrrrr. My Dad really hacked me off Tuesday. He told me I needed to go back out and start working with Ryan so I could make money for the summer. Then he said, either that or I could probably get you a job mowing grass or something. I told him, "No, I need to start looking for a job." And he said, "That's what I said." I just looked at him, and said, "No, I've got to get my career back." and walked away.
It was almost like he was implying that he didn't think I would be able to get a teaching job, and I should just get some other kind of job. I know he probably just meant for the summer, but he doesn't realize I need to be here to call people and answer phones and stuff.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I will write more later, and try to update more often, for a certain someone.
"She is great, isn't she."
Jake said sayonara @ 11:25 PM
6.21.03
"God will not permit this to happen. I will be allowed to fulfill my destiny."
It's so incredibly frustrating. Do you have any idea what it's like to be one of THE very best in your field and nobody cares. Nobody will even call you for an interview. It would be the same thing as Major League Baseball just telling Alex Rodriguez, "Well, you're the best player in the league, but why don't you just go work at Wal-Mart for a year or two.
Mooreland sent me a letter this week. "We regret to inform you...yada, yada, yada."
I am ready for harvest to be OVER. If they weren't my family members, I probably would have told them to take a flying leap by now. It is preventing me from doing three things that I really want to do. A)Spend more time with Her. B)Continue this never ending process of a job search. C) Attempt to write. I say attempt, because my skills are nowhere near what they should be.
I have to find another job. I have no other skills. Other than what I do, I'm not sure I can do anything else. Besides that, I have devoted the last four years of my life to being the best I could possibly be. It would kill me to see those notes sitting on the shelf for another year. So much work. So much work.
. She says that good things always happen in threes. Well, she is certainly #1. The additional paychecks I got from Enid could be #2. But, I think I am still waiting for #3.
Jake said sayonara @ 11:23 AM
6.15.03
"May fortune favor the foolish."
I want to move some place far away from wheatfields. I guess it's not the fields themselves that bother me, just the fact that I have to go out in them. I had the startling realization the other day that I have been doing this harvest thing for ten years. That's ten years too many in my opinion.
My thoughts are of her. Always. When I'm sitting on the tractor, when I am driving, when I am sleeping....she's like no one I have ever met before.
I had a WTC dream last night. Very weird. I dreamed that they were rebuilding it as a hotel. I was walking around from room to room trying doors, when I found one unlocked and unoccupied, I went in and made myself at home. My sister was there too somewhere, but I kept losing her, and then finding her again. very weird.
Still no calls on the job search. I will be very disappointed if Mooreland never calls. I thought I had a real shot at that one. It's such a perfect location too. Still holding out slim hope for Arkcity as well.
Jake said sayonara @ 11:20 PM
6.13.03
"I feel that I am destined for some great thing. What? I don't know..."
I look back on all of the events of my life over the past year and- at the time- it made no sense to me why it was happening. Resigning at Reydon when I didn't have another job, that was stupid. Not getting the job in Agra last June after a great interview, that was stupid on their part.
Then I was offered a job in Dalhart, TX, just a week before school started....and TURNED IT DOWN. That was really stupid on my part. Stupid and selfish. I was holding out for a job in Wichita that never came. I kicked myself in the ass for months about turning down that job.
But now I understand why all that happened. It was so I could end up in that classroom on January 7, 2003. The events of my life had to happen exactly as they did for me to be at that exact moment, at that exact time--and I am really glad I was.
Jake said sayonara @ 12:07 AM