April 1, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

Well ... here we are in Orlando, and I think this part of the drive was the most difficult and not even necessarily the shortest part. I thought it would take about two or three hours to get here from Kingsland. The kids were being twitchy and bitchy, getting on each other's nerves and generally embarrassing me ... so what else is new? We went to the pool for about an hour before packing up to leave ... and I got my period. No swimming for me...a mixed blessing, if you ask me, because at least now I don't have to worry about hauling my fat self to the pool and feel so totally EXPOSED. Yuck.

I got the kids good with an April 1 joke. I bumped my head as I was getting into the car and the kids asked, are you all right? So I played it up good, groaned and moaned and said no and I didn't think I could make the drive after all. They really got going then, partly worried about me and partly upset that the trip was slowing going down the drain. Then I laughed and they realized they'd been had.

We went up to K-Mart to get beach towels and a few other supplies and then we finally got under way just before noon. We crossed into Florida very soon afterwards and came into a couple of traffic jams. I was feeling pretty tired and out of it by the time we got to Orlando ... it was about four, I guess, and we stopped by the vacation center to pick up our voucher and other perks (ha) for the vacation.

That was almost an ordeal. I was driving along and realized I didn't know quite what I was looking for and so I pulled into this strip mall and searched for the letter with all the information on it. Then I happened to see "Travel Information" and I saw the number above the door ... and it was where we were supposed to be! We'd accidentally pulled into the right place. I said, "Thanks, Rich!" But that was where the good luck ended for a while.

We spent an hour searching for the Radisson. Sheesh. We went back and forth for it seemed like forever looking for the place. It's not right up front and noticeable. It's hidden behind the Hyatt. What a pain. I was so worn out by the time we arrived. It didn't help that Heidi was in a snit and huffing and screaming about god knows what and everything besides.

This is a HUGE la-dee-da place, Rich. We are definitely out of our element here, the Beverly Hillbillies amongst the rich and famous, ha ha. Well the first thing that happened to turn me off was that they didn't have a double bed room that we requested ... they only had one king sized bed. I asked for two roll away beds and the man at the desk said he'd see what he could do. Well, right away I was annoyed because I thought I'm paying EXTRA to stay here and I'm not even getting the services I asked for. Big turn off.

Heidi has been a real wicked witch. If she's not brooding about her weight, then she's screaming or complaining about Billy farting or burping or about Kristin or about ... anything! I lost it a couple of times and told her to SHUT UP. I told her if she'd try looking at things positively some time instead of negatively all the time she might have a better time.

So ... here it is almost 10 p.m. on our first evening in Orlando. We just got back from having a Chinese buffet dinner. Driving back to the hotel, the bright lights and amusement rides reminded me of Ocean City, Maryland. The plan for tomorrow is: go to the presentation and have the free breakfast, go to Water Mania with our free passes, and then go to Sea World.

That's the plan of the moment anyway. See you later, honey,
love you,
Me

P.S. I didn't get a chance to call Teddy until we got back and I just left him a message.

March 31, 2002

Happy Easter in Heaven, sweetie!

We woke up this morning in Santee, SC, and I gave the kids their Easter bags, stuffed animals with three Cadbury eggs (still haven't been able to get weaned off them!). Each of the places we've eaten in have had continental breakfasts so we haven't eaten ANY of the stuff Billy so thoughtfully packed. Well, he's been eating the eggs and the kids have been drinking the sodas. After breakfast the kids put on their suits and went swimming for a while and I washed clothes and dried them. We checked out before noon and were on our way to Kingsland, Georgia. It was the shortest trip so far and the easiest to drive. We did get a little screwed up in terms of FINDING the hotel. The computer directions were so way wrong! I kind of double-backed another way, found Rt. 40, which was an alternate way to get back on 95. As we got to the insection to get back on 95, I saw all the hotels and restaurants around and kiddingly said, oh, watch, this is where we're supposed to be ... and ya know what? IT WAS!!!!! So we turned around and came back.

Kids can be awfully self-centered, ya know? Billy was miffed that the jacuzzi/hot tub wasn't hot and seemed to be more like a baby pool. He was also annoyed that the gym was closed. Kristin was hinting about wanting to go into the pool ... even after a downpour, when we were returning from dinner. And Billy and Heidi, Billy and Kristin, and Heidi and Kristin have been at each other constantly. It really is discouraging. We went to a nice diner and Heidi had a real puss on. Teenagers!

I had the kids going for a couple of times and I got them good, lol. Billy has a stuffed white bunny that fell into a muddy pool of water. When I came back with some of the laundry, he asked if I washed the bunny and I said no, it wouldn't fit in the machine, that the hole for the clothes was so small I could only get the clothes in by rolling them up in a ball. Heidi asked skeptically how the bunny got white again and I said, I ran it under a sink and they finally caught on.

The other time was when I checked in here. Now, we'd already been lost about a half hour and so the kids were anxious to get to the hot tub and jacuzzi. I got back in the car and told the kids the hotel was overbooked and we had to go to another hotel ten miles away. The kids started hollering and carryingon and I was just laughing!

It was a mean thing to do, I guess, but it's fun to fool them like that. I guess this is paybacks for what they do to me. So tomorrow we'll be in Orlando, stopping at that Visitor Center to sign in for that 90 minutes spiel and then checking into the Radisson.

Wonder what that will be like?

Already we've begun to see exotic trees...cypress (I think that's what they are) and palm trees here in Georgia. There's lots of rivers and creeks too. Some of these creeks look like rivers and some of the rivers look like creeks! Doesn't make much sense to me.

It's hard to believe we're actually going to be going to Disney World...didn't think that would happen. It'll be fun to see Universal Studios and SeaWorld too. Just hope the kids aren't too much of a pain in my butt.

Well, sweetie, I'm going to put the laptop away and will tell you about my day tomorrow. I guess you'll be seeing it with us...I'm really sure that you are with us, my love,

love you,
Me

March 30, 2002
March 30, 2002

Hi sweetheart,

Thanks for letting us know that you're with us, and probably getting a big kick out of our adventures so far! Imagine my surprise when I opened my vitamin bottle and there was one of your pills--I feel sure it was, and I still have it. Finding it like that, well, I just think you were letting me know that you are with us and it was such a warm feeling! We got stuffed on a continental breakfast and then got underway on our next leg of the trip.

Today's drive was really long and I guess the most difficult part was that I felt so sleepy sometimes. I almost felt like I was nodding off and so I would pull off to get a cup of coffee or to walk around. Billy was so good, really helpful. He would hold my cup for me and even put the straw against my lips so that I wouldn't have to take one hand off the wheel. He's been really patient, too, because he can't watch movies like Kristin and Heidi can.

Well, Rich, I have to say that Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina aren't particularly interesting to look at from Rt. 95. It all looked like New Jersey to me! There were signs all over for historic places to visit--Civil War battlefields in Virginia, South of the Border (a theme park in NC, I think), and there was something in SC but off the top of my hand I can't think what it was. Widow brain. A senior moment. :p

There were a couple of times during this long drive that I thought you might be sending me a song. One was "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" a song I dedicated to you years ago, in 1984, maybe--before we got married. There was another song not long after that, too, but widow brain strikes again. And then came a song that Teddy sent me as a wav file: "I Can't Stop This Feeling". Weird but very nice feelings around it.

There was one unexpected bridge over the James River in Virginia. It wasn't too bad; it didn't go too high and I got over it without a problem. The next time there was a bridge of sorts was at Lake Marion. Now that is a BIG lake and apparently it's the only place where striped bass are landlocked. It seems to be a big retirement community.

We had a few minor glitches when we got here. One was that the toilet backed up and it took forever to get it unplugged because the dingaling at the counter forgot to send the guy (she also forgot the rollaway cot). The other was the kids' fighting. You'd think they would get over that and try to enjoy themselves. But no, Heidi needs to pick at everything, and Billy and Kristin need to do whatever they can to aggravate her. I was so mortified at the diner we ate in.

It was a really nice Tastee Diner. It was really folksy and part of a larger family business. They have two inns as well as the restaurant. They're real strong Christians here because there was a driver's prayer in the menu, the Ten Commandments, and a little parable about Jesus. It's the first time I ever saw anything like that in a menu.

I thought of Teddy then, too, because he said he'd be praying for us on our trip. I called him just before we went to dinner and talked to him a few minutes. He seemed delighted to hear from me and said it was probably a good thing that I did leave for vacation because the kisses left him light headed. Well, I don't know where all this is going. I never even thought about being with another man. There seems to be some chemistry with Teddy, though, and he looks so much like you it's scary!

Tomorrow we go to Kingsland, GA, and hopefully the drive won't be too terrible. I think it's only 3 hours from here. We can chill out a little more, go in the pool or jacuzzi and have a little more fun. This is one of the best vacations we've ever been on, thank you for being with us. The only one that tops this is the days I spent with you at the Poconos.

here's looking at you, kid,
love,
Me

March 29, 2002
Dear Rich,

I did it! I made it over the Verrazano Bridge! Okay, I cheated a little bit; I took the lower level instead of the upper but I still did it! I prayed to God, to the Archangel Michael and to you for help, and I really felt like I wssn't alone. I didn't even have a panic attack!

You would have been proud of Billy. This morning he got up at 5:30 and walked across the street to return the Nintendo games and to get us bagels for breakfast. He also cleaned up most of the house. Heidi helped too, but Billy did the bulk of it. I swear he's been like a totally different kid since you left us. I'm not sure exactly why ....

I am so proud of me! I got us one third of the way on this trip and I have not snapped anyone's head off at all. The TV I bought so the kids culd watch movies worked out great. They picked three movies to watch.

We hit all this traffic around 6 and it was almost bumper to bumper until we finally got to the Comfort Inn just now ... and it's like 9:30 p.m. Whew! 12 hours on the road was not what I expected and hopefully the rest of the trip won't be as arduous.

You know I met Teddy today. Did you send him to me, Rich? He LOOKS like you--the only difference is his van dyke beard and hair is more silver than yours. But then Teddy is 48 and you were only 40. Teddy is a sheet metal worker and so he was strong muscular arms.

We met at McDonald's near his home in New Jersey. He wanted me to come to his house but I had a feeling we would really be delayed so we're going to go see him on the return trip. I feel like he's okay ... he's sorta like a blessing. He's a bit more on the religious and saved side than me but he is also very courtly and I like that.

When we got out of the car, he was just pulling up next to us. We knew who we were right away. I was so glad to see him and he to see me we gave each other a big bear hug. We'd brought gifts for each other -- I brought him a musical bunny rabbit. I had a feeling he would llike it and he did, he laughed and said oh, he had to bring this one to work. He gave me a dear bear angel. I decided to call her Teddie. Ha!

I took his hand, it's not long like yours. It's short, his fingers stubby, and much rougher than yours. He likes holding hands and we talked for about 2 hours at McDonald's. Then I said we needed to be on the way. We walked back to the car and made plans for next Sunday.

I let him kiss me. He said I was sweet and I kissed him. And then again. I didn't feel guilty. I miss you, Rich, I always will and I will always love you. Teddy is sweet, though, and I like him. We got into the cars, waving at each other and blowing kisses. When Teddy turned right and I turned left, Billy teased me. "Mom has a boyfriend, Mom has a boyfriend!"

Later, when we stopped in Maryland for dinner, Heidi suddenly broke into tears and said she missed you. I asked her if it was because of Teddy and she said sorta. She misses you. The Zoloft deadens her feelings she said and she doesn't have anyone to talk to. I told her she could always talk to me, that I would never be angry with anything she said. I told her that I miss you too and I will always love you. We left it at that. I think we are having fun so far, Rich. I hope that you're with us and enjoying the trip as much as we are (except for the traffic!) :P

Love you,
Me

March 23, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I talked with Teddy for a long time this afternoon. He is very pleasant to talk to, very warm and friendly and has a wonderful laugh. He reminds me so much of you. I feel drawn to him but I don?t want anyone to get hurt. I don?t want to look for a replacement for you. When we go down to Florida, we?re going to stop and visit Teddy on our way south. It feels strange to do this. I have only been with you, loved only you all these years. I guess it feels the same for Teddy, he was married 28 years. That?s a long time. But it could happen again, for a friendship to become love. I know no one can take your place and so I wouldn?t want to even try making comparisons. You and Teddy are two different people. I want to remember that. I will always love you, my darling, in a special place in my heart. Still, I don?t want to be all alone for the next 20 years or so ? if I live that long.

Love you
Me

March 20, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Part of this month?s journal is on the kids? hard drive. I hooked this one up on St. Patrick?s day, going on the assumption that it would work because of ?the luck of the Irish? and I am most certainly Irish. Well, my luck has more of a tendency toward Murphy, though.

I took the kids to see ?The Time Machine? on St. Pat?s day. I didn?t especially want to go to a movie but I thought it would be good to go out and do something with the kids. I never read the book H.G. Welles wrote so I was altogether surprised that the whole reason the scientist built the machine was so that he could somehow save his fiancee from being killed. He couldn?t, though, and he didn?t understand WHY. I think Billy sort of ?got it? although I was a little confused. Billy said that if the woman did NOT die then the scientist would NOT build the time machine and all the rest wouldn?t happen.

I thought about that. I remembered Schrodinger?s cat and parallel universes and fate and all that stuff and actually had a good discussion with Billy about it. I think Heidi and Kristin couldn?t really follow it. There might be a world in which the fiancee did NOT die, and that would be yet another parallel universe. In some of the others she WOULD die and there would be different outcomes. What I wonder is, Rich, you died in THIS universe. Is there another universe where you DID NOT die?or does your ?counterpart/twinner? have to die in all the universes?

Maybe the Presbyterians were right with the predestination stuff?

March 16, 2002
Hi sweetie,

It?s been a mixed bag of a day. Heidi went to an all day training in baby sitting and she?s enthusiastic about babysitting and making money. She?s saved up $37 now and would like to watch babies. I think it?s cool. I think the zoloft is helping her because she?s so much better (her mood) and we?re getting along better (knock on wood). I dropped Billy off at the magic card store so he could play in another tournament. I don?t think he did very well because he called me around 1:30 to come and pick him up. Kristin helped me go grocery shopping. The kids want to go and see ?The Time Machine? so maybe we?ll do that tomorrow, although all I really want to do is watch ?The Quiet Man? and maybe ?Angela?s Ashes?. When I talked to Cheryl about borrowing ?Harry Potter? (she said no, Christina was watching it) I broke down and started to cry. I miss you, Rich! I can't believe you?re not here ? it?s almost like back to square one. I look at your picture and wonder, where did he go? When will he come back? And then I have to tell myself, you dummy, he?s gone, he?s NOT coming back! Teddy wrote to me again but it seems like he?s running out of steam, running out of things to say and I guess I am too. I?m not really ready for this. Not at all? I?m going to try and write some more. I think I?ll also look at pictures to help me with the letters to you. I know you already know this stuff but I?m thinking to a time when maybe the kids or someone else would be interested in reading this?to follow the grief process if nothing else.

I love you,
Me

March 15, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?m trying to clean and straighten up around here. I don?t know why I did this but I invited Robin, Dan, and Nancy to come over for a St. Patrick?s day dinner and now I don?t want the company. I?m wondering why the hell I decided to take on such a big project? Cheryl can?t come because her daughter is sick and Nancy and Robin wanted to know if we were still on and I was tempted to cancel and didn?t. Now I don?t want them to come over. What is wrong with me? I don?t feel all that great, got stomach cramps and the runs. Ugh.

And what is going on here in the house? Are you being Boo Radley, like from To Kill A Mockingbird? First I find the pizza spatula, which I was sincerely wishing for. Yesterday I went down stairs and stepped on a little plastic sandwich bag that made a loud pop! Sound. When I bent over to pick it up, I saw it was hospital ID bracelets, all of mine and Billy?s and some of yours. I remember you told me that your mom had this superstition that you need to keep hospital ID bracelets or something bad would happen to you. ? Well, we didn?t keep the one from your recent stay at NCMC that I know of? But even more puzzling is how did that plastic bag get there? I never noticed it before.

This morning when I went into the basement to show the furnace man where it was, I saw one of your straight razor blades on the floor, in a baggie. I am completely mystified. This morning, I opened my backpack and there are pictures of you. I sat looking at you and I began to cry. I miss you so much. Are you leaving little treasures around for me to find to let me know you are with me? How about that poetry book? I would love to have that ? and could you let me know HOW did you get on the floor from the sofa? It was as if someone had laid you out. You were on your back, legs fully extended, your arms down by your sides, hands curled slightly. How did it happen? And why? Why?

I miss you so much Rich.

March 14, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Sometimes I just feel that you are so close to me. I?ve been having heartburn the last few days and have convinced myself that I?m dying. Sheesh. I think to myself, I?ve over eaten to the point where my heart is going to give out too. I?ve seriously taken a look at how much I eat and am staying away from the snacky stuff. NOT EASY!

Today I took Girl Scout cookies to XXX, where you worked. Your friends were glad to see you?they miss you, Rich. Your supervisors, Ann Roddenberg and Claire M, and your lunch buddies, Dina and Jennifer spent over an hour talking to me. We played catch up and reminisced about good times. There?s been a lot of changes at XXX since you died, ?downsizing? (lay-offs) and just not bothering to replace people when they leave. It?s sorta sad. I kind of wonder what would have happened with YOUR job. Some of your colleagues who have been with the company for years have transferred to other departments.

Oh?and Teddy began writing to me again and so I?m answering him. I don?t know if this friendship is going to go anywhere. I invited Nancy K, Cheryl, and Dan and Robin over for corned beef and cabbage. Cheryl can?t make it. I hope this will be fun and that I don?t stress myself out over how the place looks.

Going to watch ?The Wizard of Oz? with the kids. Rich, this is so sad?recently I?ve just been getting off the computer earlier and sitting with the kids to watch movies or TV. I think to myself, why didn?t you do this when Rich was alive? And it was because when you were there, YOU kept the kids company and you said you didn?t mind if I was on the computer. Ugh. I wish now that I?d spent less time online.

Always the woulda coulda shouldas.

I love you so much.
Me

March 11, 2002
Hi sweetie,

The wind was too strong for you, huh? The window stayed closed a day but there was a high wind yesterday and the window went open again. The other big downer was that I missed the bag of quarters?it was gone from the hutch and I am pretty sure Billy took it but can?t be positive because I didn?t see. Well, I talked to all three of the kids about how hurt I felt and how this was a betrayal of my trust. Billy didn?t quite ?get it? at first. He thought it had to do with me needing the money and when I said it wasn?t that, he said, ?oh because it was a waste of your time?? I think that guess was based on how many months I?d been saving the quarters and I told him NO it?s not that either ? it has to do with a violation of my trust. I didn?t expect one of my own kids to steal from me! I said I wanted the money back ? and magically they turned up on the floor by Kristin?s side of the bed. She found them and was in a panic, afraid I?d blame her. Well, I don?t KNOW what to think.

There is something else though. Remember the porn magazines and books you had in your drawer? They?re gone. All of them. And I kind of think Billy took them, too. I mentioned them to him after school and he gave me a noncommittal look and I said I?d like for them to reappear in the bathroom, where I found the quarters.

He was surprised. ?You found the quarters in the bathroom??

I?d deliberately lied. ?Yes,? I answered and he said he thought they would have been returned to the hutch.

Who knows?

Teddy hasn?t written since Friday. In a way, I am very relieved. I wrote to him on Saturday and haven?t written to find out what?s up.

Love you,
Me