March 3, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Not such a great day today. I bailed out of the WN city GTG but Arline came back and invited me to join her and other widow ladies at the Seaford diner on Tuesday. So I guess I can manage that. The kids have just been shitty today. I loaned Billy $15 yesterday so he could participate in two magic card tournaments and wouldn?t you know he whined, complained and was totally unhelpful today. And Kristin, who has a cold, was having a tantrum because I didn?t feel like taking them to the mall. She screamed and carried on, and I couldn?t believe it. So I went upstairs and took a nap. But first I pointed out to the kids that I go online a hell of a lot less than I used to, and we?re also doing a hell of a lot more than we used to. I guess they couldn?t argue there.

I was so bored last night I thought for fun I would go through and surf through match.com and I found a widower who sounds like YOU. I wrote to him and he?s written back twice now. His name is Teddy. I?ll respond to David when he writes me but I think he?s still missing Melany very much. His posts have become short and sparse and just the tone?he?s down. He?s begun moving into his second year and is having a harder time now. So many people say that!

I would like to keep writing to Teddy because he seems so nice but I also want to keep things very slow. I think Teddy?s wife just died in October and so that means he?s really new in the grief journey, unless it?s October of 2000. I guess we?ll see. He has two grown children and three grandchildren, likes to read, watch movies, walk on the beach, listen to music?sound familiar? I should view this as sorta like talking with Bernie or John, who are both online buddies, nothing romantic or as you would?ve said ?nothing for me to worry about?? and I would?ve said, ?nah, just friends.?

Trying to start over again is a really depressing concept although Nancy, Cheryl and Robin all tell me oh you?re young?ugh. The thought of being intimate with someone else?ack! It gives me the creeps.

I love you and miss you,
Me

March 2, 2002
Hi sweetie,
I have a bad case of the blahs today. Nothing is holding my interest. I don?t feel like doing the rpgs, don?t feel like posting at WN, didn?t even feel like writing to you except everytime I try to edit the posts I copied from Widownet I get a ?winword has committed an illegal operation and will be shut down.? What a freaking drag. All I am doing is trying to neaten up the margins so that the space is used more efficiently. Eventually, I?d like to print the stuff out but NOT if it?s like fifty pages long because I can?t get rid of the extra spaces and lines.

I did end up bailing on Nancy and Cheryl. Cheryl called around 4, while I was out picking up the girls from Scouts. Heidi told me that they would call from ?on the road? and shrugged. I just felt exasperated. I?d sent a post out telling about my interaction, why couldn?t they just let it go? And this was AFTER I said I probably couldn?t make it. So anyway, I didn?t feel like making the steak after all and so I decided to take everyone, including Ashley, to McDonald?s. We got back around 6:30 and there were no messages from either Cheryl or Nancy. Ashley?s aunt came to pick her niece up around 7 and about an hour and a half later, the phone rings again. I?m thinking, oh, man, what if they haven?t eaten dinner out? So I decided to be ?asleep? and Heidi just said I wasn?t feeling well and had fallen asleep.

I don?t want to go to this GTG in the city, either. Kristin turned up with another cold yesterday and is running a slight temperature. On top of that, the weather is supposed to be really nasty. On top of that, I don?t feel like spending money on a train to go to the city and then again to go to this GTG. So I thought, aw, the hell with it. Anyway I emailed Arline and just said the truth, I didn?t feel up to it. She emailed back and encouraged me to try and I thought that?s really kind of her. She understands what I?m feeling and is trying to persuade me to go without strong-arming me. I appreciate that.

I talked to Steve for the first time in a while. I wanted to know his opinion of the Computer Learning Center and me trying to get a degree in computer networking. He thought I had a better skill?sign language?and asked me, why didn?t I finish my degree and become a teacher? And I thought, hell, why not? I would enjoy that. So I?m going to look into it.

As for the writing, Rich, it?s like pulling teeth for me to sit and write anything. I shouldn?t pressure myself like this. I know it doesn?t help, which is why I just hoped to work on the stuff I posted to track my mood over the last few months. I see that I was in a much more positive upbeat frame of mind around Christmas and afterwards and I wondered what caused the change. Yech. Blah. Ptui. Who would have thought I would ever feel this way? I am at the computer and I?m BORED with it. I just can?t think of anything better to do?:P

Love you,
Me

March 1, 2002
Hi Rich,

I sit here trying to type straight while totally spaced out on drugs ? the legal kind. It seems I am hypersentive to a cough medicine (tablet) Dr. D gave me. It?s called Duratuss and the directions say not to give it to people who show ?hypersensitivity or idiosyncrasy to its components, to adreergic agents, or to other drugs of similar chemical structure. Manifestations of patient idiosyncrasy to adrenergic agent include: insomnia, dizziness, weakness, tremor, or arrhythmias.? Well this is the first time I?m taking it that it?s causing a problem. I had insomnia last night, was wide awake and restless until after 1 a.m., woke up before 6 and then I took another one this morning around 8 and I?ve been flying since. My hands started shaking and I could feel my heart racing so I looked at the box and read what I just wrote. So I am not taking this anymore. Left a message for Dr. D.

Nancy K wants me to go out with her and Cheryl. I understand what she?s doing but I wish she would stop doing stuff like this. I don?t really feel like going to Long John Silver?s late at night. Originally we were going to get together early in the afternoon but I remembered I have Scouts and Ashley here until 7. So I let them know and said I?d meet them. Nancy said might be better to come for dessert, which I liked better. Then Cheryl says maybe we can go shopping for computers and Nancy adds on she and Cheryl can do that and then go back to set up Cheryl?s computer. Then they might go and eat?and Long John Silver?s is open until ten. Ten??? I go to bed at ten now! Maybe I can talk them into a diner? Geeeeez?.

I realize I should be getting out and around more and that the reason I?m not is because I am depressed. Sometimes I feel like I?m watching myself acting out a role in a movie or something, that this isn?t real. Some day I?ll wake up and this will be just a long bad dream. On the other hand, I know the reality is that you?re really gone. I have the urn here to prove it. It FINALLY arrived! Anyway, according to a little pamphlet I have, this yearning I have is still a form of denial. I am having a delayed grief reaction. I still refuse to think of life in terms of being without you the rest of my life. It?s too hard to take it and I won?t do it. I guess that?s not helping me any, huh?

February 27, 2002
I have been bad bad bad. I was supposed to go to an interpreting assignment yesterday and today, at a high school ? a play rehearsal. I got to the place yesterday and went inside, unnerved by all the young people. They laughed and I could swear they were laughing at me, the big fat interpreter. I thought about interpreting for this deaf kid and how he?d wince and feel uncomfortable about having a totally uncool interpreter. So I didn?t look too hard or long for the room, just split. I thought someone from the school would call and complain, but apparently they didn?t. Today was a really yucky day. I had a sinus headache and was coughing and gagging stuff up out of my throat. After Kristin got on her bus I went back up to lie down and I was out like a light, for two hours. It was raining, changing to snow and back again and I just thought ah, the hell with this. I don?t even want to get dressed. So I didn?t. I have been in pjs all day. Now is that irresponsible or what? I can?t do this again. My reputation will be destroyed and the kids will freak out. It?s a lousy example to set for them.

Rich, am I depressed or what?

I did manage to write a piece yesterday for a list I belong to. I recounted a childhood memory, not a very pleasant one. I remember my brother and me playing in a mud hole and we got all dirty. My mother was furious. She hit me so hard, I got a bloody nose. The only other clear memory I have is of her carrying me inside and laying me on the kitchen table with my head tilted back. She kept saying she was sorry and begged me not to tell my father. Lovely, huh?

I feel adrift, Rich. Things seem so pointless, meaningless. I?m not enjoying the computer or being online. I feel restless and impatient. I stopped getting mail from all the lists except the rpg (role playing game)s and the writers? list. The rpgs involve a little bit of creative writing but I don?t always feel motivated to participate. I used to be a heavy player. Now I think what?s the point? What a waste of time. I think the same thing about my fanfic now, too. I don?t enjoy it anymore. I just wish I?d come to these realizations when you were still alive. We take so much for granted. It?s so sad. What a waste. And now I?m wasting away more time, responsibility ? I have to pull myself back together.

Love you,
Me

February 26, 2002
Hi Rich,

I was working on a journal prompt today and I put my writing at the center of it. The prompt had to do with being ?stuck? and why it is difficult to RESOLVE to spend time writing instead of procrasting. I decided I would write for an hour, Internet for an hour. What do you think? Think I could swing it? The other thing I thought is: I?ll write FIRST before I allow myself to use the Net. Maybe that would work better, ya think?

I have to go to the High School and meet with Billy?s counselor this morning. We?re talking about his schedule for next year. He really has high ambitions, and has not even scheduled himself a lunch! I tried to talk him out of that idea but he wouldn?t hear of it. He says he?ll be fine. He?s gotten used to eating at 2. Yeah, but he eats TOO much. We all do! :P

February 24, 2002
Hi sweetie,

The last few days I haven?t wanted to stay on the computer very much. I feel as if I am wasting my time. At the same time, I am annoyed with myself for not starting a story, for not studying the medical terms?I?m really being hard on myself. It was a pretty good day today all in all. I cleaned downstairs, vacuumed and felt better with the way the place looked. Kristin?s friend Rachel came over and I took them over to Brady park for about an hour and a half. We walked around the pond (or whatever it is) and I looked at all the Canadian geese, ducks, and the swans. They looked really graceful. It didn?t really occur to me then, but I saw the swans and the geese in pairs. I wonder what the other bird does when its mate dies? Does it grieve forever or does it find a new mate? I don?t even feel like entertaining the thought anymore. No one could measure up to you, dear. The more I read guys? posts the more I realize that. It felt good to exercise. I wonder if the Paxil is helping me to get up and moving around. I?m not sure?I?m still eating way too many cookies. I have such a feeling of unreality about me. You?ve been gone now 9 months and it still seems so hard to believe! I still have this feeling of it happened yesterday, it happened a life time ago. I don?t like it this way, Rich. I miss you so very much.
Love you,
Me

February 23, 2002
You know, sweetie, these kids feel no shame at all sometimes? I?ve been walking around the house, cleaning up, putting the garbage out, and generally making it obvious that I?m trying to do something and most of the time the kids just sit there playing Nintendo or watching TV. I didn?t say anything to them ? but then they expect me to take them fun places and buy them things. It pisses me off. I took the kids out to look at a new bedroom set for Billy. I thought about getting him a loft bed and set to give him more room. We looked at one place yesterday and the two sets there cost $1200 and $1800, which didn't seem to faze him in the slightest?even though he knows I?m not working and we?re supposed to go to Disney World over Easter. Today we went back to look at another store. Meanwhile, the kids were not being cooperative at all about cleaning?not this whole week. So therefore we didn?t paint or do many of the other things I planned. The kids were basically at each other?s throats even before we went into this store. One set I looked at was only $800 and it was nice, like Heidi?s bunkbed set. I thought and maybe muttered he probably preferred the more expensive set and then Heidi said it aloud, that ?watch, he?ll want the more expensive one?. Well then Billy started to act like a two year old saying that although he liked THIS set better we couldn?t get it because Heidi said we had to get the expensive set. He?s saying all this loud enough for everyone else to hear it and I was mortified. So I said, ?Forget it, let?s go? and we went home. I tried to get Billy to understand how he was biting his nose off to spite his face but he just didn?t get it. Duh!! As far as he?s concerned all of this is Heidi?s fault. He doesn?t take any of the responsibility on himself. It?s so frustrating!

And I?m still procrastinating and not writing when I should be writing. I get so angry with myself. Then I tell myself to just get off the computer because I?m doing nothing. Well, you should be here NOW because you?d be spending a lot more time with me at this rate! But you?re NOT here and that just sucks big time!

Heidi went to the cookie booth sale at Greenstream and I went for a walk, the first one I?ve been on in months. And then I went home and ate lots of cookies. Well?at least it?s a start. God how I miss you, Rich. Even now I sometimes wonder if this isn?t some horrible nightmare I?m going to wake up from. I KNOW deep in my heart that you are gone but I guess I?m still in and out of denial. What a yucky feeling?

February 22, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Today was a pretty good day. Ashley was here with us again, and I had to go interpret at the hospital for a couple of hours. When I got back, I took all the kids to the bowling alley and bowled 3 games. Heidi gave up after one game but Billy, Kristin, and Ashley all bowled 3 games too. It was fun. I found a nice, light ball to use and I was fine. My shoulder and hands didn?t hurt at all. The only trouble was the cost. I wish bowling hadn?t gotten so expensive.

You know, out of the clear blue, my mother called last night. She asked perfunctorily how we were doing and then went on to tell me she was having cataract surgery on Tuesday and that she and my father were ?forced? to buy a new used car and that they were really strapped for cash. She wanted to know if I found a job yet and I said no ? later, it crossed my mind to wonder if she was going to hit me up for some cash. :P

Poem: "Funeral Blues," by W.H. Auden, from As I Walked Out One Evening (Vintage).

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

February 19, 2002
Hi sweetie,

We spent almost the whole day in bowling alleys. Kristin and Billy were to bowl in a tournament early in the morning. I hadn?t slept well, couldn?t get to sleep until after 1 so I was feeling really tired. Ashley came over around 8:30 and soon after, the four of us left for the alley. Heidi decided at the last minute she didn?t want to go. Well, Steve came in, saw me and asked, ?Where?s Heidi?? When I told him she decided to stay home, he said urgently, ?Go get her. I need her. I have kids cancelling on me right and left.?

I was doubtful about it but I called Heidi who sounded non-plused but agreed to bowl. I drove back home to pick her up and as expected, she was feeling fretful?people were going to be mad at her because she couldn?t bowl well, etc., but I soothed her and luckily Steve paired her with Billy. Kristin was on a team with three other boys. Actually the kids did okay, especially Kristin! It felt good to be in that bowling alley with the kids, cheering them on. I am so glad that Billy and Kristin wanted to join the league, and Heidi now says she?d like to try it next week.

Another one of my teeth broke today. What a pain in the ass this is. I haven?t gotten my dental cards yet and so I called Aetna and found out that the lady at work signed me up for a medical-COBRA instead of just the dental one. She is going to get the problem fixed tomorrow (I hope) but meanwhile I made an appt for next Thursday. I hope the tooth lasts that long!

And the biggest kicker of all was that Billy?s developed an allergy to augmentin so I called the dr and he called in a prescription?and it cost $75!!! Rich this sucks. An antibiotic costs THAT much??? Each one of us has to meet a deductible before the medical plan starts to pay for it. Even then, I still end up paying a minimum of $10 and usually around $25 for them. Widowhood SUCKS, being alone SUCKS, not having you there to root the kids on SUCKS.

And don?t say ?that which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger? or ?it builds character? ? after all we?ve been through I should have the strength of Superman and I AM already a character! I don?t need this extra shit! I want so much for you to be here?and I know it can?t be, I?m not kidding myself. I just miss you.

Steve reminds me of you. Sometimes it?s unnerving to look at him. His hair is like yours and he has a beard too, has glasses and he?s tall with blue eyes, broad shoulders?all like you, dear. It hurts to look at him sometimes.

I love you darling,
Me