February 10, 2002
My head feels stuffed with partial ideas of stories, Rich. I?m just stuck trying to choose between them. Should I work on my fanfiction? Should I work on that one mainstream idea that I had started a couple of years ago? Should I try to make an online serial? I get so many ideas going at one time I stop, unable to function. Feel almost paralyzed. And yet I want to DO SOMETHING and so I feel very frustrated! Which idea should I go with? There?s the Falcon Crest story that Sylvia and I have been working on. I could do that except?how about the Dark Shadows one? Or, better yet, the widow one? I hate the way I feel! Yesterday all I did was copy over widow support posts because it seemed the ?safest? thing to do, there was no thinking to have to do, no decision making. ARGH! And the cable seems to be out on the internet so my means of escape is gone to me. I?m sorta forced into moving in one direction or another. Blah?

I feel so blah?I?m not sure if this paxil is helping or not. I sleep a lot. Feels like a lot of motivation and energy lately has just been sucked away. I?m too tired to battle with the kids, too tired to make them clean up after themselves. It just seems to much easier to give in. They aren?t bad kids, either?maybe just in need of attention?

Help me, Rich. I feel so alone?

Love you,
Me

February 9, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I don?t know if this Paxil is doing any good. I felt a little hyper yesterday and today, cranky after my nap. Maybe I don?t need to nap? I still don?t feel too much better but I expect it?s too early to tell?it?s only been two days.

This morning I took Billy to a College Partnership workshop and I ended up signing him up for it and the two girls as well. They seem to be kind of like Steve O?advisors, except in the education field. So I got some software for Billy to work on here at home and we?re going to start on the process of getting him through college. And the girls are both able to get into the program for $125 each. Billy?s membership costs almost $1,200 but it?s worth it if they can give us guidance and point us in the right direction for finding scholarship money and other financial aid.

I still have to do the taxes? :( I hate this time of the year. I hope we get some money back because that?s what I?m planning to spend in Florida.

I am at such a loss right now. I want to write?I don?t know what to write. I want to take down the posts from the widow support board. Then I think what for? It does seem to chronicle what I think and so for the time being, while my mind seems to be so fallow I figured that this would be better than nothing?this and making scans of the pictures that have come in recently?I just feel so useless sometimes. I think you should be writing be stories you oughta be doing this?

I need to give it a rest.

I was thinking about quitting interpreting all together now I?m thinking NO don?t give up, just cut back for a little while, then go back.

I?m so confused.

I wish you could help me. Maybe you can?give me a sign, a dream, something so that I know what I?m doing is okay?

I miss you so much, Rich.

I love you,
Me

February 8, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Well it would seem I?m not doing so well after all. I had a melt down at the National Center. I was already feeling frustrated and low because work was cancelled on me and then when I went in, the point of contact Kathleen was furious at the agency. Apparently they were having some employer/client practice interviews and there was supposed to be an interpreter there to do it. The terp showed up but through one mix-up or another called the agency and they told her to go home, she wasn?t needed. So Kathleen pulled me out of my program (which was nice & easy) to go do the interviews and then this roundtable discussion. I?m not sure how long that went on, but there were a LOT of people and my shoulder began to hurt like hell.

The next day (yesterday) I figured well, lightning won?t strike twice in the same place so I went in and damned if Kathleen wasn?t there AGAIN at 10, wanting to pull me out and drag me to this other meeting to team interpret for 2 hours at an interview skills lecture. I couldn?t believe it. I was furious. I should have said NO right off the bat and I should have called the agency but I was so stunned that by the time I thought of it I just LEFT. I made an appt for me and Billy to see the dr. Billy was having an asthma episode and my shoulder hurt like hell.

Dr. Dimeo gave me a cortisone shot and we were talking and I suddenly started to cry. I miss you so much, Rich. I try not to think about it but the last couple of days with all the ACOA crap being stirred up?it?s just happening. I asked Dr. Dimeo to hug me and he did but it?s just not the same. It?s not YOU. He talked me into trying paxil. I was surprised because I?m already taking the klonopin and the desipramine but I guess it?s not so effective now. I also wanted to come back and see the nutritionist.

I was crying, too, because I weigh about 240 now and the kids, Billy and Heidi, are only about 10 pounds lighter and even Kristin is over 100 pounds?and how did I let this happen? It?s horrible! I have to find a Y, a place where we can exercise, and I have to try and get us counseling again and in to see a dietician.

I thought I was doing okay, I really did. I miss you so much, baby?

Love you,
Me

February 5, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Long time, no talk to ? but it doesn?t mean I haven?t been thinking about you. I?ve been posting a lot on the widow support board. A thread came up about having alcoholic parents and how those issues might be affecting our grieving. I THOUGHT it had to be, Rich, because I loved you so much. It doesn?t feel right that I?m not grieving you more. It might be this old ?hero? stoicism coming up again?have to be strong, have to be brave, don?t think about not having you because I can?t stand it. Hell, I can feel myself holding people at bay, friends and family as well. I avoid contact with them and have almost been in seclusion. I use the excuse that I want to write, I want to write ? but then I?m not writing either.

Kristin did so well bowling tonight! I talked to Steve (the league manager) about Big Brothers for Billy ? I?m hoping something pans out. And I made arrangements for us to go to Orlando this spring ? the first week of April. I am DETERMINED that we are going to get there this time and we?re going to have a good time. Heidi and I are at odds again and I?m pushing her away. I have to stop that. I think to myself sometimes that she makes herself so unlikeable but that means she needs me ? and I can?t push her away.

Back to that ACOA stuff. It still comes back to bite me on the ass. I feel like a total screw up right now ? that I?m wasting my time on things that don?t matter when I should be focusing on my writing. It?s to the point, though, where I?m sick of listening to myself whine about it ? shit or get off the pot! Write the story or don?t write it!

It?s just like that quote of yours, the line Yoda says in ?Star Wars?: ?Try not! Do! Or do not! There is no try!? It makes a lot of sense?it?s what I should do about the parenting, the grieving, the writing ?

Love you dear,
Me

January 31, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

Between problems with the computer and going back to work, I?ve become lazy about writing again. I just have to keep trying. I?ve been feeling moments of sadness all week. I?ll think about you and something that we might have done together or I?ll drive by someplace and I?ll think about the last time we were there ? I haven?t had any bouts of crying which might actually help me. I?ve just felt generally blue.

I found out that a girl has been harassing Billy about his weight and even making crude sexual comments to him like ?suck my dick?. Billy never said a word about it himself but his teacher, Mrs. C, called to tell me about it and about how she wasn?t going to put up with it. This girl apparently has ?issues? ? she is the only black girl in the class, lives in a foster home, and HER father died not long ago. So she?s angry. You know what, though? Billy is angry too! And I am at a loss to know how to get through to him. I almost posted on the WN board to get the male POV and then I didn?t because I saw a thread there about heavy women and I felt uncomfortable. Not all the guys were against heavy women but I still decided not to post because that?s one of the problems Billy has?he is too heavy.

So is Heidi. So is Kristin. And me. We?re all way too overweight. I?ve already done some things to try and help us all by not bringing fattening snack foods into the house. The kids are pissed. I feel hassled. I sure could use your help here.

Last night Heidi accused me of not listening. She said she wished you were here and that you would listen to all sides of the story. So I tried. And we made some agreements and compromises I hope we?ll stick to.

I miss you so much, Rich. I think I?ve been covering it up a lot and putting it on the ?back burner? because what else am I going to do? You?re gone, you?re not coming back. I have to make do somehow. But of course I wish you were still here.

Love you,
Me

White Dream
White Dream

After receiving the relentless news
and experiencing the terrible invasion,
I was strangely unafraid, and even glad
as I sank into each day as into a soft pillow
and wafted like a child into healing sleep.
Perhaps it was simply resignation.
I knew it as unconditional peace.
Pain, I knew, would come later.
Let it.
I turned over on my pillow
and sank into another
white dream.


by Robert Friend, from Dancing With A Tiger: Poems 1941-1998 (Spuyten Duyvil).

January 24, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I was waking up every couple of hours last night. I remember thinking that you were there, trying to communicate but I don?t remember anything else. I guess it didn?t work out and that?s why I feel irritable today? It?s a rainy, miserable day and I?m not feeling well. Billy?s sick now too; both of the girls have been sick.

Today Kristin is 10 years old. Imagine, huh? I remember after you died, Kristin said it wasn?t fair that you didn?t live long enough to ?even see me in my double digits.? So she?s 10 and I?ve been cranky with her this morning already. Last night at 9 o?clock she tells me she needs cookies or donuts for the class. I?m going to run out this morning for a couple boxes of cookies for her class and some cheesecake for later. She wants to go to the same Chinese buffet where we went on our anniversary?the restaurant you never got to try.

Do you remember when Kristin was born? I just can?t believe it?s been ten years! I remember being awake most of Thursday night into Friday the 24th. My contractions were uncomfortable enough to keep me awake or wake me up if I?d drifted off but never together consistently enough to wake you and have you take me to the hospital. I wanted you to have some rest ? you were still on the night shift. I remember sitting on the bed and watching you sleep as I had the contractions. I also remember being resentful and angry toward you ?not about the birth, but about something else. It?s funny, I don?t remember what it was, your weight or an argument?it hardly seems important now.

I had an appointment to see Ellen Ray that morning?the midwife who delivered our kids. I told you I?d been up most of the night and we decided to bring Billy and Heidi with us in case I really was in labor. You were going to take them to friends of ours if I was in labor. And the funny thing is when Ellen examined me, she gave me an odd look and said, ?You ready to have this baby today?? I was about six or seven cm dilated!

Ellen and I walked the bridge from the doctor's office to the hospital while you took the kids to our friends. By the time you got back, I was dilated to almost 10 cm and that?s when labor stopped. We walked around; I took a nice warm shower (I remember that!) and we tried a bunch of other things, including inducing me. I was exhausted by the time I was supposed to push and didn?t want to do anything at all. Ellen, who didn?t know what was going on, was under pressure to get to her daughter?s gym meet.

It was uncomfortable and difficult and when you finally were born, Ellen exclaimed with surprise, ?Oh, she?s sunny side up!? Kristin was posterior, totally turned around, and I?d been experiencing such back labor that my nerves were inflamed and I couldn?t walk for the first two days. We held little Kristin, first me and then you, and then you went back to get some sleep and then get the kids before coming back to the hospital. Ellen went off to the meet ? do you remember? Her daughter, Elise, was in the Summer Olympics in Sydney in summer, 2000. We watched her on TV.

I spent all afternoon with Kristin in my arms. It seemed like everyone forgot at me. The floor of the room was still covered with blood, I was feeling messy and couldn?t walk by myself?but I enjoyed bonding with the baby. Just before you got back with the kids, they finally moved me up to my room. I kept baby Kristin in the bassinette when you came in with Billy and Heidi. Billy wanted to see Kristin right away and I have a darling picture of the three of you together. Heidi just wanted to sit in my lap. I stayed on the bed and didn?t say anything then about not being able to walk.

Thank God it cleared up. I have a feeling people thought I was faking it but then everyone could see I really couldn?t make my legs move to take steps. It was really scary.

I thought when I woke up several times that you were around because, of course, I have been thinking about you a lot today. I?m going to try and go back to sleep a bit this morning before taking Billy to school for his mid-term. I love you so much, Rich.
For a while, we sort of lost that, didn?t we? For a few years after Kristin was born we were just so out of sync with each other. I?m so glad we got it all back in the years before you died. I will always love you.

By Tennyson
O That 'twere possible,
After long grief and pain,
To find the arms of my true love,
Round me once again!

A shadow flits before me,
Not thou, but like to thee.
Ah, Christ! that it were possible,
For one short hour to see,
The souls we loved, that they might tell us,
What and where they be!

Alfred Tennyson, Lord Tennyson. 1809??1892

January 21, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?ve been spending less time on the computer, less time with the lists and the message boards. I worked on another fiction practice piece and got some feedback on it. It needs to be expanded a little more. I just got a little lazy I guess. But I can work on it today. I?ve been trying to do some kind of writing everyday, be it writing to you, or fanfiction or an exercise to help get me started. You know, you?re right, I do know how to write. It?s a matter of DOING it.

Kristin was sick this weekend, poor kid. She ran a temperature of around 104 on Saturday but she?s been better yesterday and today. It snowed on Saturday ? FINALLY ? but not very much and now the snow is just about all gone. Kristin was in tears because it was unfair that she was sick. I guess she saw this as a wasted opportunity to play in the snow.

I got really mad at my dentist on Friday and I?m going to find a new one. I broke a bit of my tooth off, one he?d been working on but never got the crown for. He did the root canal. I couldn?t figure out what he was waiting for. He should have told me he wanted his money. Anyway the receptionist was saying he was busy and couldn?t see me until Tuesday. I was upset and then she mentioned this big bill and I really got mad, sad forget it and hung up. Then HE called, said he?d been nothing but kind to me and hadn?t bugged me about the bill and just generally sounded snotty. Hey I don?t need anyone doing me any favors! If he wanted his damn money he should have said so. So now there is hard feelings and I don?t want to see him. I paid the bill off in full, sending a check certified, and now I?m going to find a new dentist.

Nancy came out Thursday evening to see us and we had to go out and eat because no one felt like cooking. Nancy also brought over all these Jonathan Frid tapes. I sure wish she?d stop doing that because when we got back to Cheryl?s apartment she wanted to pop in the tapes and watch them. I?d seen most of them already and was BORED and just wanted to go home. I did stay one hour, playing on the computer with Cheryl?s daughter, Christina, and then politely excused myself. I have to tell her NO MORE tapes. I think Robin and Cheryl were just being polite but then I can?t be sure. Why can?t we just sit around and talk?

Your aunt Terri called yesterday and it was good to hear her voice. I talked to her for quite a while and I?ll stop over to see her on Wednesday when I go to Holbrook to interpret. Anyway, I found myself comforting her and telling her not to be sad about you being gone, that you would want her to remember you when you were laughing and happy and I?m thinking to myself, what the hell is going on here? I told her about the dream I had about you and about telling your father that you had no grudges and spent a lot of time with him?and she said she felt so much better talking to me. I felt so WEIRD about that.

I thought, why is it that I don?t miss you more? What the hell is wrong with me? Coral says nothing is wrong with me. She says I know that you are with me and that you?ll always love me. That?s it, partly. The other part is, well, I am pretty sure I am taking the thought of being alone and setting it aside. Well, why not? Why deal with the future now? That?s not a bad thing, is it?

I don?t want to think about forever without you, Rich. It already FEELS like I?ve been without you forever. You know what? It?s going to be about 8 months this week. I can?t believe the time has gone so fast. Somehow I?ve survived the holidays without you in your skin, but deep down I know you are here with me. I know you love me. I still love you, in spite of any hard times we had. There was the basic, tender core that was YOU and that is who I?ve loved all this time. That?s who I want to write about. I?m getting there.

Love you always,
Me
P.S. Em sent this to me. I thought it was beautiful?

..... THE JOURNEY .....

There is a journey awaiting you.

It comes in truth and promise . . . . when you reach the point of not
knowing who you are or where to go.

This most precious but often painful passage is the journey into yourself.

You will travel to places never before visited, where you meet unspoken
fears and unearth buried truths.

You will climb high and perilous mountains . . . . those that rise up from
inside yourself.

You will explore forgotten waters held deep in the sea of your soul.

You will be stranded in the wilderness and find a way through pathless land.

You will be lost before you are found.

You will be empty before you are full.

You will cry the deep sobs of the earth and tears of rain will cleanse the
house around your heart.

In time . . . . because life, like birth and death, knows it's own
time...your fears and struggles and unknowing will be transformed.

You will become a mountain place where eagles soar.

You will become a reflecting pool which sees and knows the mysteries of
your life.

Your heart will be light like a butterfly, as you follow the currents of
its true desires.

The flight of the honeybee will be like yours, as you seek the nectar of
what brings sweetness to your daily life.

Most of all, you will become who you truly are.

Your life will hold truth and promise and meaning.

And the heart of the heavens will hold your heart.

~~~~~~Author Unknown~~~~~

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 3:17 PM EST
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January 19, 2002
Dear Rich,

I had an oddball dream just before I woke to hear Billy Joel singing ?New York State of Mind? with either Elton John or Tony Bennett. I dreamed that you or Billy (why can?t I remember?) said that David Selby was coming to visit and I said, ?Okay, but only if he?s in blue jeans.? Then whichever one of them came to me and said, ?Well, he?s here ? but he IS in blue jeans.? So I went to the living room which didn?t look like our living room and had some kind of obstruction there. I don?t know what it was a big pile of boxes or something. There David Selby sat, wearing a tee shirt, that same jacket?and his blue jeans. I was saying, ?My God, I don?t believe it! You?re really here!? And he grinned, got up and gave me a big hug. Then next thing I know we?re having to say goodbye ? why am I leaving my house? And it?s very important that I hug the Chinese cook, who is also smiling and doesn?t look like anyone I know. But I go to him as if he?s some old friend of mine and we hug and then it?s important for me to give him a really tight hug and so I do. Then I woke up. Now what was THAT about? I need a dream analyst here!