White Dream
White Dream

After receiving the relentless news
and experiencing the terrible invasion,
I was strangely unafraid, and even glad
as I sank into each day as into a soft pillow
and wafted like a child into healing sleep.
Perhaps it was simply resignation.
I knew it as unconditional peace.
Pain, I knew, would come later.
Let it.
I turned over on my pillow
and sank into another
white dream.


by Robert Friend, from Dancing With A Tiger: Poems 1941-1998 (Spuyten Duyvil).

January 24, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I was waking up every couple of hours last night. I remember thinking that you were there, trying to communicate but I don?t remember anything else. I guess it didn?t work out and that?s why I feel irritable today? It?s a rainy, miserable day and I?m not feeling well. Billy?s sick now too; both of the girls have been sick.

Today Kristin is 10 years old. Imagine, huh? I remember after you died, Kristin said it wasn?t fair that you didn?t live long enough to ?even see me in my double digits.? So she?s 10 and I?ve been cranky with her this morning already. Last night at 9 o?clock she tells me she needs cookies or donuts for the class. I?m going to run out this morning for a couple boxes of cookies for her class and some cheesecake for later. She wants to go to the same Chinese buffet where we went on our anniversary?the restaurant you never got to try.

Do you remember when Kristin was born? I just can?t believe it?s been ten years! I remember being awake most of Thursday night into Friday the 24th. My contractions were uncomfortable enough to keep me awake or wake me up if I?d drifted off but never together consistently enough to wake you and have you take me to the hospital. I wanted you to have some rest ? you were still on the night shift. I remember sitting on the bed and watching you sleep as I had the contractions. I also remember being resentful and angry toward you ?not about the birth, but about something else. It?s funny, I don?t remember what it was, your weight or an argument?it hardly seems important now.

I had an appointment to see Ellen Ray that morning?the midwife who delivered our kids. I told you I?d been up most of the night and we decided to bring Billy and Heidi with us in case I really was in labor. You were going to take them to friends of ours if I was in labor. And the funny thing is when Ellen examined me, she gave me an odd look and said, ?You ready to have this baby today?? I was about six or seven cm dilated!

Ellen and I walked the bridge from the doctor's office to the hospital while you took the kids to our friends. By the time you got back, I was dilated to almost 10 cm and that?s when labor stopped. We walked around; I took a nice warm shower (I remember that!) and we tried a bunch of other things, including inducing me. I was exhausted by the time I was supposed to push and didn?t want to do anything at all. Ellen, who didn?t know what was going on, was under pressure to get to her daughter?s gym meet.

It was uncomfortable and difficult and when you finally were born, Ellen exclaimed with surprise, ?Oh, she?s sunny side up!? Kristin was posterior, totally turned around, and I?d been experiencing such back labor that my nerves were inflamed and I couldn?t walk for the first two days. We held little Kristin, first me and then you, and then you went back to get some sleep and then get the kids before coming back to the hospital. Ellen went off to the meet ? do you remember? Her daughter, Elise, was in the Summer Olympics in Sydney in summer, 2000. We watched her on TV.

I spent all afternoon with Kristin in my arms. It seemed like everyone forgot at me. The floor of the room was still covered with blood, I was feeling messy and couldn?t walk by myself?but I enjoyed bonding with the baby. Just before you got back with the kids, they finally moved me up to my room. I kept baby Kristin in the bassinette when you came in with Billy and Heidi. Billy wanted to see Kristin right away and I have a darling picture of the three of you together. Heidi just wanted to sit in my lap. I stayed on the bed and didn?t say anything then about not being able to walk.

Thank God it cleared up. I have a feeling people thought I was faking it but then everyone could see I really couldn?t make my legs move to take steps. It was really scary.

I thought when I woke up several times that you were around because, of course, I have been thinking about you a lot today. I?m going to try and go back to sleep a bit this morning before taking Billy to school for his mid-term. I love you so much, Rich.
For a while, we sort of lost that, didn?t we? For a few years after Kristin was born we were just so out of sync with each other. I?m so glad we got it all back in the years before you died. I will always love you.

By Tennyson
O That 'twere possible,
After long grief and pain,
To find the arms of my true love,
Round me once again!

A shadow flits before me,
Not thou, but like to thee.
Ah, Christ! that it were possible,
For one short hour to see,
The souls we loved, that they might tell us,
What and where they be!

Alfred Tennyson, Lord Tennyson. 1809??1892

January 21, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?ve been spending less time on the computer, less time with the lists and the message boards. I worked on another fiction practice piece and got some feedback on it. It needs to be expanded a little more. I just got a little lazy I guess. But I can work on it today. I?ve been trying to do some kind of writing everyday, be it writing to you, or fanfiction or an exercise to help get me started. You know, you?re right, I do know how to write. It?s a matter of DOING it.

Kristin was sick this weekend, poor kid. She ran a temperature of around 104 on Saturday but she?s been better yesterday and today. It snowed on Saturday ? FINALLY ? but not very much and now the snow is just about all gone. Kristin was in tears because it was unfair that she was sick. I guess she saw this as a wasted opportunity to play in the snow.

I got really mad at my dentist on Friday and I?m going to find a new one. I broke a bit of my tooth off, one he?d been working on but never got the crown for. He did the root canal. I couldn?t figure out what he was waiting for. He should have told me he wanted his money. Anyway the receptionist was saying he was busy and couldn?t see me until Tuesday. I was upset and then she mentioned this big bill and I really got mad, sad forget it and hung up. Then HE called, said he?d been nothing but kind to me and hadn?t bugged me about the bill and just generally sounded snotty. Hey I don?t need anyone doing me any favors! If he wanted his damn money he should have said so. So now there is hard feelings and I don?t want to see him. I paid the bill off in full, sending a check certified, and now I?m going to find a new dentist.

Nancy came out Thursday evening to see us and we had to go out and eat because no one felt like cooking. Nancy also brought over all these Jonathan Frid tapes. I sure wish she?d stop doing that because when we got back to Cheryl?s apartment she wanted to pop in the tapes and watch them. I?d seen most of them already and was BORED and just wanted to go home. I did stay one hour, playing on the computer with Cheryl?s daughter, Christina, and then politely excused myself. I have to tell her NO MORE tapes. I think Robin and Cheryl were just being polite but then I can?t be sure. Why can?t we just sit around and talk?

Your aunt Terri called yesterday and it was good to hear her voice. I talked to her for quite a while and I?ll stop over to see her on Wednesday when I go to Holbrook to interpret. Anyway, I found myself comforting her and telling her not to be sad about you being gone, that you would want her to remember you when you were laughing and happy and I?m thinking to myself, what the hell is going on here? I told her about the dream I had about you and about telling your father that you had no grudges and spent a lot of time with him?and she said she felt so much better talking to me. I felt so WEIRD about that.

I thought, why is it that I don?t miss you more? What the hell is wrong with me? Coral says nothing is wrong with me. She says I know that you are with me and that you?ll always love me. That?s it, partly. The other part is, well, I am pretty sure I am taking the thought of being alone and setting it aside. Well, why not? Why deal with the future now? That?s not a bad thing, is it?

I don?t want to think about forever without you, Rich. It already FEELS like I?ve been without you forever. You know what? It?s going to be about 8 months this week. I can?t believe the time has gone so fast. Somehow I?ve survived the holidays without you in your skin, but deep down I know you are here with me. I know you love me. I still love you, in spite of any hard times we had. There was the basic, tender core that was YOU and that is who I?ve loved all this time. That?s who I want to write about. I?m getting there.

Love you always,
Me
P.S. Em sent this to me. I thought it was beautiful?

..... THE JOURNEY .....

There is a journey awaiting you.

It comes in truth and promise . . . . when you reach the point of not
knowing who you are or where to go.

This most precious but often painful passage is the journey into yourself.

You will travel to places never before visited, where you meet unspoken
fears and unearth buried truths.

You will climb high and perilous mountains . . . . those that rise up from
inside yourself.

You will explore forgotten waters held deep in the sea of your soul.

You will be stranded in the wilderness and find a way through pathless land.

You will be lost before you are found.

You will be empty before you are full.

You will cry the deep sobs of the earth and tears of rain will cleanse the
house around your heart.

In time . . . . because life, like birth and death, knows it's own
time...your fears and struggles and unknowing will be transformed.

You will become a mountain place where eagles soar.

You will become a reflecting pool which sees and knows the mysteries of
your life.

Your heart will be light like a butterfly, as you follow the currents of
its true desires.

The flight of the honeybee will be like yours, as you seek the nectar of
what brings sweetness to your daily life.

Most of all, you will become who you truly are.

Your life will hold truth and promise and meaning.

And the heart of the heavens will hold your heart.

~~~~~~Author Unknown~~~~~

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 3:17 PM EST
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January 19, 2002
Dear Rich,

I had an oddball dream just before I woke to hear Billy Joel singing ?New York State of Mind? with either Elton John or Tony Bennett. I dreamed that you or Billy (why can?t I remember?) said that David Selby was coming to visit and I said, ?Okay, but only if he?s in blue jeans.? Then whichever one of them came to me and said, ?Well, he?s here ? but he IS in blue jeans.? So I went to the living room which didn?t look like our living room and had some kind of obstruction there. I don?t know what it was a big pile of boxes or something. There David Selby sat, wearing a tee shirt, that same jacket?and his blue jeans. I was saying, ?My God, I don?t believe it! You?re really here!? And he grinned, got up and gave me a big hug. Then next thing I know we?re having to say goodbye ? why am I leaving my house? And it?s very important that I hug the Chinese cook, who is also smiling and doesn?t look like anyone I know. But I go to him as if he?s some old friend of mine and we hug and then it?s important for me to give him a really tight hug and so I do. Then I woke up. Now what was THAT about? I need a dream analyst here!

January 18, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I?ve got such a terrible headache right now! I thought Ashley?s grandmother Marilyn or her aunt would have picked her up long before now (it?s after 7) but when 6 came and went I began to get a little suspicious and so I asked Ashley for her grandmother?s phone number at work. It turns out Marilyn was supposed to work until seven (I didn?t know that) and that the aunt was working until 6:30 but had to wait for a friend to pick her up and bring her here. The aunt apparently lost the key to the car? It was some oddball story. Anyway, I was annoyed. Someone should have called me to tell me, don?t you think? No one did. I decided that instead of going to Burger King we?d have subs delivered. Kristin had a fit but I don?t care. The aunt said she?d be here at 6:45 and still she isn?t here ? and I suspect that the delivery boy will be here before either the aunt or the grandmother shows up! If that happens, I?ll offer Ashley some applesauce or a fruit cup. I?m very very hungry, so hungry that?s why I have the headache. I feel resentment toward Marilyn because I?ve been doing her lots of favors, watching Ashley for free and I think it?s not asking too much to ask for a courtesy call. ARGH!

Love you,
Me

January 16, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Yesterday I wrote like a person possessed, all kinds of stuff !K writing exercises, a soap story (exactly 250 words) about us to Soapet, lots of posts to the Widownet board, some fanfiction !K and today I have done little to nothing. It!|s pitiful being such a lackadaisical writer. The exercises are helping me build confidence though. Now I just gotta move my ass. You were right !K I CAN write. Now I have to apply myself.

I have the writing exercise in a separate journal because it has nothing to do with us !K it!|s more about my parents and I didn!|t think it would be good to have you and my parents in the same journal. ?? Here is what I submitted to Soapnet:

!?Don!|t you leave me,!? my husband and soulmate said to me in a choked voice, clutching my hand tightly. His eyes filled with tears and he looked more frightened than I!|d ever seen him before. My appendix had ruptured and we were spending a few last moments together before I was taken for emergency surgery.

!?I won!|t,!? I assured him, and I didn!|t. Instead, he left me although he did not mean to or want to.

We!|d survived already HIS heart surgery, in 1987. He developed congestive heart failure at 27, and the doctors discovered he had cardiomyopathy (an enlarged heart) due to a genetic disorder of connective tissue called Marfan Syndrome. He was stable for so long, I guess we just got used to living with the Sword of Damocles over our heads. At first a doctor told me not to make any "long term plans with this man." Like that? He went on and said don't have any more children, don't buy a house together, he won't be around in five years. So much for the doctor!|s advice !V five years later, I was having our third child and Rich was still in stable condition although he had occasional bouts of !?skipped beats!?.

In April, 2001, Rich fainted; his heart was beating too fast. In the emergency room, I found myself saying the same words to him: !?Don!|t you leave me.!? He didn!|t then and came home. He died on May 23, and half my heart was taken away.

It was really really hard to keep THAT to 250 words, Rich!

January 14,2002
Sweetie,

It?s just about 3 in the morning, and I woke up about 45 minutes ago. I had trouble falling asleep in the first place and then woke up and felt like I couldn?t go back. I had this strong desire to come down here and go on the computer. I fought it for a long time because ? you?re going to think this is crazy. I was thinking, what if it?s because I want to be out of the bed and not lying there cold and dead when Kristin wakes up in the morning? What a horrible thought. I was afraid to come down here and start typing because I was afraid my heart would stop ? just like yours did. I finally did come down and I told myself the only way to calm myself is to get it all out and type.

You see, I?m also supposed to do a small interpreting assignment for the agency at local college, and I don?t want to do it. I?m very angry with the agency although a lot of this is MY own fault! And I?m lying there thinking, I don?t want to go to this assignment, how do I get out of it? Call in sick? They gave me three days a week at the National Center ? what if they take that away from me? So I?m going round and round in circles, part of me thinking: I don?t care, let them take it away. Part of me thinking: are you crazy? You NEED this work! I need help here. What should I do?

I just sat here praing to God, my angels and to you, Rich, seeking guidance and an answer. I think I?m being selfish with the way I?m feeling about interpreting ? or am I? What should I do?

Trust yourself. You?re instincts are good. You must trust yourself and follow a lead that may go 2down a path you may not expect. You cannot go into a siituation angry and resentful. You have to find your way past the anger and resentment and the answer lies there. You must trust the inner voice that is guiding you. It?s telling you something for a reason. Listen to it.

Well that is what I just now typed after doing the meditating and the deep breathing and calling for help. This looks like the answer I wanted. Is this me talking? Is it an angel?s voice? I am torn with doubts now. I?m still confused and unsure what to do next. I wish you were here to help me, Rich, it?s just a lousy two hours! And yet, even when it was offered to me, instinctively I felt like I shouldn?t take it. I did it anyway only because I figured we needed the money?still I feel like I?m being tossed bones by the the agency .. and that this wouldn?t be a good situation.

You know that they changed everything around to make it more difficult for interpreters? Now we have to submit our own invoices! I think they?re trying to square it with the IRS to show that we really are ?independent contractors? and not their employees. It?s not fair. We have to pay out so much for taxes and expensese and a lot of times it?s not even reimbursed. That makes me mad. I remember when I got their newsletter I thought, boy, I never want to work for them again?and I don?t I really don?t want to.

I don?t know what will happen if I don?t go to this assignment. I do have some online applications to fill out. Maybe there?s a way to work from home. I did send in an application to DHIS?maybe there?s a way to work for just them and for Mill Neck. It?s a chance I?m suddenly very willing to take.

I?m also thinking to myself: call Hospice. Call Joanne. You?re in trouble now and you don?t even know it. Call her and tell her what?s going on. Get help get help get help.

Frankly, I think I must have some kind of serious personality flaw?some THING just like my father?s that makes me think I?m so superior and above all this ? that I can do exactly as I please and to hell with the consequences. God! That is scary, too ? to think that I am just like HIM. God help the kids, then, because my dad is the most irresponsible loser there is. He didn?t want to work ? I don?t want to work ? if I could find a way out of it, I would ? and I guess this is it. I can use the other stuff as an excuse but the bottom line is that for years I have not wanted to work, I have not wanted to do ANYTHING but type stories on the computer and who the hell do I think I am to be able to do that? This is going to hurt the kids and hurt me too!

And now that I?ve beaten myself up about it and put myself on a good old guilt trip, what now?

Call the agency and tell them I?m not going to the assignment?
Go ahead and do it? It?s just two hours?

Must call Joanne at Hospice. Must settle this issue and get all these other issues squared away ? this really SUCKS!

I did a little surfing on the net and checked into this automatic handwriting?the message really is supposed to come from an angel, a spirit guide, or from you. I called and cancelled myself off that job and feel an enormous sense of relief?but my gosh, what am I going to do for money? If I lose the other assignment NYSD gave me I won?t have anything ? but then again, something will work out. It always does.

You know, Rich, the urge to get up and come downstairs instead of going back to sleep was SO strong ? and so far I?m still here ? I wonder if something might have happened had I gone to the community college? I don?t know?

Still looking for guidance,
I love you,
Me

January 13, 2002
When I see the word ?blue? I think of the color of your eyes, Rich. They were a lovely shade of sky blue, very expressive, warm and loving. Most of the time they were hidden behind your thick glasses but when you took them off when we made love or when you were trying to fix something up close, I could see them. I didn?t realize how lovely your eyes were until you took your glasses off and the funny thing is, you didn?t believe me or you?d give me this skeptical look sometimes? but I think you were pleased.

When I hear the word ?word? blue it makes me think first about your eyes and the look in them when you?d ask me, ?Do you know how much I love you?? And I always would have something self-deprecating to say because I wondered myself WHY you loved me. Was it because of me or was it because I loved you? Does that make sense? I think my love for you grew because of how much you loved me. I guess it just self-perpetuates itself.

Another thing I think of is your shirts. Your favorite color seemed to be blue and you always looked so good in blue. I think of the long sleeved blue shirt I chose for you to wear at the wake and how I wish I could have had it back intact but they had to cut it up the back to get it to fit you. It was one of your favorite shirts and one of your newer ones. I think I?ll have a teddy bear or something made from it. I liked the way the shirt looked on you, bringing out the color of your eyes.

And the other thing I think of when I hear ?blue? is how I feel to go on living without you. I know that you are here with me, Rich. I know that you love me and I love you too. Still, I miss the hugs, the touches, the intimacy, the sound of your voice and oh, yes, the ?blue? of your eyes when you?d look at me with such devotion and love?God, I miss you, honey!

January 12, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I guess I didn?t tell you about Mouse ? but you MUST know about her. I?m sure you were there when we got her. Heidi?s been wanting her own cat especially since we went to PA and she made friends with Alberta?s cat, Snowshoe. She seems so needy, the ?nothing is ever enough kid? and so I said yes, sure, we could look at the shelters and find a cat. I got sick, though, and so did she after we got back and when she began to feel better she started asking about the cat again. Last Friday, I said okay, we?ll look this weekend.

On Saturday, Jan. 5th, Heidi, Kristin, and I drove over to Petsmart first. They had a couple of older cats there. Heidi decided she wanted a cat and not a kitten. These were REALLY older cats, 3 and 5 years old, supposedly a brother and a sister and Heidi didn?t want to separate them. I remembered how to get to the Oyster Bay Animal Shelter and remembered the man said they had several cats a year and older, so we went there next.

There were three cats in the lobby. One of them was already howling as we walked in and it seemed to put off or scare the girls. The guy behind the counter said the cat was just moved there and was scared. It was pretty?completely gray. Anyway, I told the man we were here to adopt a cat and he had another animal control officer take us to the back to visit the cats available for adoption.

The first cat we looked at looked like Paddywhack, the cat we had in Maryland. She was very affectionate with Heidi, bumping her head and rubbing against her. Heidi already was in a dither. ?Mommy, I don?t know what to do!? she exclaimed.

?Just pet them and call to them and see how they respond to you,? I advised.

We looked at the next cat, a tabby like Kushna. He was reserved and withdrawn so he didn?t stay with us very long. I said to the lady that we?d like to see the three cats in the front, but Heidi suddenly said she wanted the black and white. She was definitely sure about that so I went back out to the front to talk to the officer and arrange for the adoption. I found out her name is Mouse (cute name) and the officer added she was brought in yesterday by a man. The cat belonged to his wife.

The officer stopped there but all of a sudden, it was like I KNEW that we had been led to this cat. ?The man?s wife died, didn?t she?? I asked.

The officer looked up at me, surprised. ?How?d you know THAT??

I said, ?Because my husband died.? It didn?t make any sense to HIM. He mumbled he was sorry. It made sense to ME. I felt like you?d led us to this cat because you knew that Heidi needed her. I added, ?I just think we were meant to have this cat.?

The man gave me an odd look but didn?t say anything. We completed the paperwork and took Mouse home. She?s been fitting in really nicely, Rich. Amber tolerates her just fine. They haven?t fought at all although they haven?t become buddies. I took her to the vet to have her checked out and they found ear mites but we got medicine for that. Mousie hates it. She also seems to be very gassy and the assistant asked for a stool sample but to be honest, I can?t remember how you get one. :P

More later, darling,
Love you,
Me