January 12, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I guess I didn?t tell you about Mouse ? but you MUST know about her. I?m sure you were there when we got her. Heidi?s been wanting her own cat especially since we went to PA and she made friends with Alberta?s cat, Snowshoe. She seems so needy, the ?nothing is ever enough kid? and so I said yes, sure, we could look at the shelters and find a cat. I got sick, though, and so did she after we got back and when she began to feel better she started asking about the cat again. Last Friday, I said okay, we?ll look this weekend.

On Saturday, Jan. 5th, Heidi, Kristin, and I drove over to Petsmart first. They had a couple of older cats there. Heidi decided she wanted a cat and not a kitten. These were REALLY older cats, 3 and 5 years old, supposedly a brother and a sister and Heidi didn?t want to separate them. I remembered how to get to the Oyster Bay Animal Shelter and remembered the man said they had several cats a year and older, so we went there next.

There were three cats in the lobby. One of them was already howling as we walked in and it seemed to put off or scare the girls. The guy behind the counter said the cat was just moved there and was scared. It was pretty?completely gray. Anyway, I told the man we were here to adopt a cat and he had another animal control officer take us to the back to visit the cats available for adoption.

The first cat we looked at looked like Paddywhack, the cat we had in Maryland. She was very affectionate with Heidi, bumping her head and rubbing against her. Heidi already was in a dither. ?Mommy, I don?t know what to do!? she exclaimed.

?Just pet them and call to them and see how they respond to you,? I advised.

We looked at the next cat, a tabby like Kushna. He was reserved and withdrawn so he didn?t stay with us very long. I said to the lady that we?d like to see the three cats in the front, but Heidi suddenly said she wanted the black and white. She was definitely sure about that so I went back out to the front to talk to the officer and arrange for the adoption. I found out her name is Mouse (cute name) and the officer added she was brought in yesterday by a man. The cat belonged to his wife.

The officer stopped there but all of a sudden, it was like I KNEW that we had been led to this cat. ?The man?s wife died, didn?t she?? I asked.

The officer looked up at me, surprised. ?How?d you know THAT??

I said, ?Because my husband died.? It didn?t make any sense to HIM. He mumbled he was sorry. It made sense to ME. I felt like you?d led us to this cat because you knew that Heidi needed her. I added, ?I just think we were meant to have this cat.?

The man gave me an odd look but didn?t say anything. We completed the paperwork and took Mouse home. She?s been fitting in really nicely, Rich. Amber tolerates her just fine. They haven?t fought at all although they haven?t become buddies. I took her to the vet to have her checked out and they found ear mites but we got medicine for that. Mousie hates it. She also seems to be very gassy and the assistant asked for a stool sample but to be honest, I can?t remember how you get one. :P

More later, darling,
Love you,
Me

January 11, 2002
Hi love,

What a rotten day today ? a carryover from last night! The kids were absolutely miserable last night, disrespectful, nasty, fighting with each other, leaving their junk everywhere and I?m at my wit?s end. I?m too soft on them, I know, but I can?t seem to get them to listen to me without the insults and nasty attitudes. I was so disgusted. Then Kristin got sick, puking until almost 3 in the morning, and I feel rather sick myself. Ugh. Heidi woke up with a stomachache and I just said to her, look, just stay home then because I?m not going to feel well enough to come and get you. I don?t know if I?ll get a chance to do automatic handwriting today.

Steve O called last night and it was during the last fifteen minutes of Survivor, like 9:45 p.m. so I wasn?t too happy about that and then on top of that he was asking these questions about work, no work this month either? What about next month, what?s that situation look like? What about the Montessori school? I wanted to bite his head off. I know he?s just trying to help?I tell myself I?m doing the best I can, but am I? Maybe I should be doing something different, like a temp job.

The problem with that is that it is a lot less money, also not steady income and what do I do if a kid gets sick? I really don?t like the way the interpreting is going though ? I just feel this malaise about everything, though ? I wish I knew what to do.

January 10, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Last night and today I have been feeling restless, irritable ? and maybe useless. No interpreting work has come in yet. There is work for February and I?m sure we can squeak by using savings this month. I hate doing that stuff. That?s part of the reason why I feel cranky. The other reason is because I?ve been sluffing off on the writing, although I HAVE been finding time to pray and do automatic handwriting everyday. It?s not the same as writing, though. I thought about keeping a separate journal for automatic handwriting and then I thought, that?s going to get REALLY confusing. So I?m going to try and keep them together for the now.

On Tuesday, I was focusing more on angels and this was the first message that came through. This is from two days ago, January 8th:

Look into your heart for the inner beauty and truth and don?t be afraid to bring it forth. Love is everything. Love everyone. When you give your love away it will be returned to you threefold. Love never dies. Love endures beyond everything, wars, personal disagreements, strife, personal problems. All of these unpleasant realities will pass, leaving love in its place. A person?s color or religion does not matter. We are all brothers and sisters in the Light of God and His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Let us stand hand in hand in fellowship and love for each other and give praise. Blessings will come to those who love and who help to bring the message to all.

After I finished writing, I did some breathing and thanked God and the angels, and then I began to think about you for awhile, holding me, comforting me and pretty soon I was writing again:

I am here with you always. I will try to send you a sign but you have to open your eyes and look for it. You were never too observant (got an impression of you laughing, comparing me to your mom) and I?ve been sending you lots of signs that you haven?t seen. I don?t want to use a club (which I told Coral to suggest to you!) because you know I?d never hurt you. Just listen for a song or look for the butterflies and it will click and you?ll realize you got the message.

Coral and the other friends I?ve made from AngelVoice swear up and down that you and angels are writing these words because I am not aware of thinking them. They just sort of come out. The next day I prayed and thought only of you and this is what I got for January 9th:

I could see you going through the box from work. I remember each and every beanie toy you gave me and when and kept them in my cubby because I loved them and I love you. I loved the sewing Billy made for me. You are right to ask him if he wants it back and you?re right to give the little toys away. You can take my beanies out wheenever you want to. They?re for you now and the same goes for the rock pool. I couldn?t use it often at work ?cuz of the noise it made but I really did love it just as I love you and always will. I am here. I wish I could hold you and kiss you the way you want but please know how much I still love you.

I spent an hour cleaning our room yesterday, thinking to myself that you?d often suggested breaking a job down into hour long chunks. One thing I did was go through your box from work, half hoping that the poetry book might be there. I found all these little beanie toys I gave you over the years and my eyes blurred with tears. There was a craft sewing project that Billy made for you that said ?I?d rather be fishing? and there were all the little McDonald/Burger King/Taco Bell toys you?d collected over the years.

I haven?t given the sewing back to Billy yet nor divvied up the toys but I will. This afternoon I have to take Mouse to the vet to have bloodwork drawn to see if she can hold up for a de-clawing operation.

Today, because I was feeling so yucky about procrastinating on everything I prayed for guidance and this is what I wrote:

The stories are in you. You have to stop being afraid to tell them. You know what you should be doing. You have to stop letting the Internet interfere with your work. Instead of practicing your skills, you go to check your email. Many times there is no mail and you wander back and forth between websites. Try using a practice exercise instead. Read books about the formulas for writing certain stories, like romance. You are afraid to begin. Don?t be afraid! Start our story in the middle if you want and then work backward and forward. Try to spend an hour every day reading about how to write. You can do this. We are all here to help you but you need to make the time and get started. Try for a shorter goal at first, maybe 15 minutes of writing and then keep building on it. And don?t feel you have to keep checking your email. It will still be there when you get back to it.

Now was that you? Doesn?t exactly sound like an angel, it sounds like something YOU would say but it also sounds like something I would say ? well, I will keep on trying this automatic handwriting. It?s interesting and it keeps me from missing you too much while I?m sitting here without you.

Love you always,
Me

January 7, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Today I tried the automatic handwriting. I waited for the kids to go off to school and then I turned on the radio. I drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, did that several times, thinking of you and exhaling saying your name. I had the picture we had taken of us at the Poconos on the table with me and I looked at it a few minutes. I felt a little nervous, wondering what would happen and then suddenly I began to write, and it wasn?t like I was thinking at all. The words just poured out of me:

Ask Ann R and Alberta about the filing cabinet.

You are in my heart forever. No matter where you go I will be there with you. I will take care of you. I will not leave you. I promised you I would never leave you and I won't because I love you too much.

The kids are doing great! You just need to spend a little more time with them and less time on the computer. They need you now. I'm proud of everything they're doing, proud that they are my kids. I wish I'd told them that more often.

You won't need the widownet list and the board as much anymore. They pull you down sometimes and you need to focus on your writing your real book. Don't be so afraid to write -- you have the stories in you. It's just a matter of believing in your self and doing it. Try making another journal if that helps. Use the ideas on the CD you bought and from the books. You can do this, don't be afraid to try, sweetie. I always thought you could write the Great American novel. Go with the idea you have now. It's the story of us. People would like to read that, Cass. It's a good story, a great story idea -- go with it!

I know that Billy and Heidi want to move closer to Milford. It would be nice if you could do that but let it happen. Don't try to force it or rush things. We always want what we want now. If you wait, the right opportunity will come along.

I know things look negative on the job front but we've gotten through this before, and we'll get through it again. Remember, that which doesn't kill us only serves to build our character and you've got a lot of that. Something will turn up. It always does.

Remember us from the Poconos. Those days were the best and I'm glad we got to have that together. I am glad to have had you in my life. In spite of the hard times and the fights our love was true. It is still there. It endures.

I will always be there for you. You can always depend on me for strength and encouragement -- whatever you need. Stay strong, knowing I'm right there with you, holding you, loving you, missing you, my darling. I will come back to you again and again and one day we will be together forever.

Okay, I blew it on the writing today but I?m getting off the computer early, Rich, and will limit the amount of time I spend on it. I?m getting off in fifteen minutes so that I can read to Kristin and get us into bed at a reasonable hour. I?ll get off earlier and earlier each night. And tomorrow I WILL do journal exercises.

I love you my darling,
Thank you for coming to me in a dream and thank you for that loving, supportive message!

Always with love,
Me

January 6, 2002
Oh sweetie,

You did come to visit me in a dream last night! It was so wonderful I am feeling a thrill filling me again. I remember being a little afraid but only because I knew that you were gone and just visiting. I didn?t see you clearly but I knew it was you. You whispered into my ear, very reassuringly. I couldn?t make out all the words but I thought I heard ?my darling?. You held me and rocked me against your chest. I could feel the movement. We made love, that was what scared me a little, how is it to make love with a spirit but I woke up feeling so LOVED and so glad that I?d finally remembered a dream with you. Oh, I hope this is just the beginning. I want more loving dreams?greedy aren?t I?

It does make me wonder about what happens if we do meet someone else? Do I let nature take its course? I really feel YOU are my soul mate, Rich. What if I met someone else and we hit it off ? what happens later? I want to be with you. What happens to the other guy?

January 1, 2002
Dear Rich,

And so it?s the start of another new year, you are not here and I have no job. Why am I not feeling anything? I should be raving, upset, cursing at you, me, God ? but I?m not. I have this feeling of almost malaise?a ?whatever? kind of feeling. Let?s see what tomorrow brings. That was NEVER like me. Am I changing? I feel that if one thing is changing it?s that I?m more connected to the kids ? I?m doing more things with them.

Billy at Pathmark at the height of shoppers? frenzy yesterday ? you wouldn?t have believed this kid. He had two special meals all planned out, one for yesterday, one for today. He?s been knocking himself out. It?s almost too much. Anyway, as he shopped in the store, people were crowding around, pushing, shoving and he was just totally oblivious. It was so cool to watch him in action; he was so calm, so unlike you, me and Heidi.

I?ve been going offline more often to do things with the kids, shopping, the movies?I?m learning not to kick myself for not having done this earlier.

I?m still procrastinating on the writing, though?give me a good swift kick, eh?

I love you and miss you,
Me

December 31, 2001
It?s the last day of a year I?d mostly like to forget, my love. I have spent more months WITHOUT you than with you. Are you with me tonight? Billy made a special dinner for us. We have all the usual New Year?s Eve appetizers and movies ready to watch in a little while. I?ll get through this but it just isn?t the same without you, my love. I miss you. I miss making love with you, holding you, you holding me. The future is unsure ? I can?t possibly say ?it can?t get any worse?. I used to think it, and it DID get worse. I will light a candle for you tonight, my love, and invite you in to be part of our ? what would you call this? Celebration? Observance? Please, sweetie, give me a sign that you are with us and that you still love us?me. I do miss you so.

I?ll always love you ? see you next year?

Love you always,
Me

December 30, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I?ve got this thing that Heidi and Kristin have, yuck. I have no voice?can?t talk?it kind of sucks because I know I need to go back to the dr to get an antibiotic. I had a feeling I should have had him look at me while I was there with Heidi, oh well.

So I survived Christmas without you this year and I think I?ll survive New Year?s too. I took the kids to the mall and we got some more toys, stuffed animals and movies. Maybe I?ll watch Pearl Harbor.

There was this guy I emailed from the WN Personal Ads board, a widower in South Dakota. We hit it off really well, really fast, and I suppose it was too good to be true. I sent him my picture, ah, the kiss of death. Apparently there is a certain type he?s attracted to. I haven?t heard from him since. So it goes ?

How are you spending New Year?s, my love?

I got that writer?s program to work and now I?m going to start journalling/writing stories/doing SOMETHING ? can you read a book coming out of my head? I hope so. I really want to do this. I love you ? I don?t think I?ll ever get over that in spite of being so lonely. Remember this song of Harry Chapin?s? It?s called ?A Better Place to Be?:

It was an early morning bar room,
And the place just opened up.
And the little man come in so fast and
Started at his cup.
And the broad who served the whisky
She was a big old friendly girl.
And she tried to fight her empty nights
By smilin' at the world.
And she said "Hey Bub, It's been awhile
Since you been around.
Where the hell you been hidin' ?
And why you look so down ?"
But the little man just sat there like he'd never heard a sound.
The waitress she gave out with a cough,
And acting not the least put off,
She spoke once again.
She said, "I don't want to bother you,
Consider it's understood.
I know I'm not no beauty queen,
But I sure can listen good."
And the little man took his drink in his hand
And he raised it to his lips.
He took a couple of sips.
And he told the waitress this story.
"I am the midnight watchman down at Miller's Tool and Die.
And I watch the metal rusting, and I watch the time go by.
A week ago at the diner I stopped to get a bite.
And this here lovely lady she sat two seats from my right.
And Lord, Lord, Lord she was alright.
"Oh she was so damned beautiful that she'd warm a winter's frost.
But she was long past lonely, and well nigh unto lost.
Now I'm not much of a mover, or a pick-em-up easy guy,
But I decided to glide on over, and give her one good try.
And Lord, Lord, Lord she was worth a try.
"Tongued-tied like a school boy, I stammered out some words.
But it did not really matter much, 'cause I don't think she heard.
She just looked clear on through me to a space back in my head.
And it shamed me into silence, as quietly she said,
'If you want me to come with you, then that's all right with me.
Cause I know I'm going nowhere, and anywhere's a better place to be.
Anywhere's a better place to be.'
"I drove her to my boarding house, and I took her up to my room.
And I went to turn on the only light to brighten up the gloom.
But she said, 'Please leave the light off, Oh I don't mind the dark.'
And as her clothes all tumbled 'round her, I could hear my heart.
The moonlight shown upon her as she lay back in my bed.
It was the kind of scene I only had imagined in my head.
I just could not believe it, to think that she was real.
And as I tried to tell her she said 'Shhh.. I know just how you feel.
And if you want to come here with me, then that's all right with me.
'Cause I've been oh so lonely, lovin' someone is a better way to be.
anywhere's a better way to be.'
"The morning come so swiftly but I held her in my arms.
But she slept like a baby, snug and safe from harm.
I did not want to share her with the world or break the mood,
So before she woke I went out and brought us both some food.
"I came back with my paper bag, to find out she was gone.
She'd left a six word letter saying 'It's time that I moved on.'"
The waitress took a bar rag, and she wiped it across her eyes.
And as she spoke her voice came out as something like a sigh.
She said "I wish that I was beautiful, or that you were halfway blind.
And I wish I weren't so dog-gone fat, I wish that you were mine.
And I wish that you'd come with me, when I leave for home.
For we both know all about loneliness, and livin' all alone."
And the little man,
Looked at the empty glass in his hand.
And he smiled a crooked grin,
He said, " I guess I'm out of gin.
And know we both have been so lonely.
And if you want me to come with you, then that's all right with me.
'Cause I know I'm goin' nowhere and anywhere's a better place to be."

Yep?I?ve been thinking about this song a LOT lately?say hello to Harry for me, willya love? I sure miss you,
Me

December 29, 2001
Hi Rich dear,

What is this? Ever since we got back from Milford, I?m not sleeping well again! I?m waking up at like 5 or 6?today I woke up before 4!! I thought, Rich is around, but I didn?t feel you or hear you ? my period was over just a few days ago so what IS this? It?s so frustrating. I know you used to say if you can?t sleep might as well just get up and not get upset about it. This morning, my throat hurt and my sinuses felt inflamed. I think I?m getting what Heidi and Kristin had. Luckily, we don?t really need to go anywhere, I just need to clean the house.

But what is going on? Am I missing you? Am I too frustrated with the kids? Worried about money? I have no idea!

I tried to install a writing sessions program that I ordered and paid for but I?m blocked because the email/password isn?t working. It?s maddening. Here it is six in the morning and I thought I could get started on this but noooooooo ?. So annoying!! I wonder if it?s another email address I signed up under for this? I have just a couple more to try and then I give up until I can get customer service.

December 27, 2001
I?ve had some messages from you, Rich, but am still waiting to see you in a dream! Don?t be stubborn, honey! I really want to see you and talk to you for myself without being passed messages from Coral or Robin?although I am VERY grateful for those?please don?t ever stop coming through any way you can! I love you so much!

We had a great weekend. Were you there with us? We left for your Dad?s house on Sunday, the 23rd?my gosh! I can?t believe I haven?t written since then! I can go back and fill in the holes. Anyway, I was okay until I saw the Throgs Neck Bridge. I had a bit of a tough time with that but driving across I just kept thinking, Rich help me out here, Michael help me out here. I?d gotten an email message from Coral that morning with angel cards and I?d gotten the Archangel Michael to give me courage Well, I managed to get OVER the bridge but then we were headed in the wrong direction! So we had to turn around and then I had to go over ANOTHER bridge, the George Washington Bridge and then I finally felt okay. Sometimes when we are in high places (and your dad lives up high) I could feel panic attacks setting in and I?d calm myself by thinking of you.

Anyway, we got to your Dad?s house before 4 and unloaded the car. The plan was to go out Christmas caroling. Rich, I hope you were there with us because it was fun! I don?t think I?ve ever been caroling before, and I do believe the kids enjoyed it. Afterwards we went for pizza. Later, after the kids went to bed I tried to talk to your Dad and Alberta with the message you wanted to give them. Maybe I did a half-assed job but I do believe your father was listening and understood. I talked to Alberta throughout the weekend while he was in ear shot and I?m sure he heard.

Christmas Eve was VERY relaxing. We talked, read and the kids played with their games until later in the afternoon and then Alberta took the kids and me into town for a walk. Heidi was wheezing and having trouble ? I think she?s allergic to cat fur and they have FIVE now. She took some of Billy?s Advair inhaler and that helped her a lot. Alberta and I got a chance to talk more about the similarities between you and your Dad and between her daughter Debbie and Heidi.

That evening, we went to church service. They go to this new Community Bible Church and it was nice. There were a LOT of young people there. I think Alberta is concerned about the souls of our kids because she was tactfully suggesting I find a church home. She?s right ? and I will look. There were so many people inside the little church that we couldn?t light the candles inside. We had to go outdoors. It was FREEZING!! Afterwards, we walked to a Chinese restaurant and had a delicious dinner?and we laughed about that scene from ?A Christmas Story?, when the neighbors? dogs steal the family turkey and the family has to go out to a Chinese restaurant. Three waiters tried to sing ?Deck the Halls? to them and it was hilarious!

Next day we opened all our presents. Billy played Santa Claus and it was fun. Alberta?s daughter, Debbie, and her husband (another Billy) came out for dinner and to open gifts. Debbie was sick with something too but we all made merry anyway.

Yesterday I took new directions from your Dad and Alberta and we went home that way (it seemed to take forever!). What was really SPECIAL though was that I was nervously anticipating the Throgs? Neck Bridge again and had been fighting waves of panic the whole way, concentrating on you and Michael. Anyway, we stopped at McDonald?s to get lunch and ?Stand By Me? was playing. I thought, I?ll be damned if that isn?t from Rich to me to reassure me!

One time when the song came on I said to you, ?When I hear this song, I think of you.? You were surprised. I added, ?yes, I think you?ll always be there by my side.? And according to Coral and the other psychics, you ARE ? which is what has kept me thinking and feeling positive, my darling.

And Billy has absolutely fallen in love with Milford. He wants to move there ? and so does Heidi! What do you think?

Love you, talk later,
Me