Preparing for Christmas
I didn't write this. It was on a mailing list on yahoogroups:
"As we approach the holiday season many many telephone calls have been received regarding tips for coping during the first holiday season after the loss and while still working the way through grief. The losses that many of our friends and families are experiencing are overwhelming, especially during this holiday season. There are many in our communities who will be celebrating (or perhaps just getting through) this holiday after the recent loss of a loved one. There are others who are coping with stresses as the result of mental illness and other physical illnesses. All of us know the stress level is heightened throughout the holiday season. Below are some tips from various sources. It is important to keep one another in our thoughts especially over the next few days.
Take care of yourself physically. Of utmost importance, you must allow yourself to get a lot of rest. If your body is weary, take an hour to sit or lie down. Your body will tell you what you need. Loss and stress drains the body of energy and strength. Don't try to do what you have done at previous Christmases. If you want baking and decorating to be done and are not in the mood, ask someone to help you. Don't be afraid to admit your physical weakness. Remember at holiday time, your emotions will play a large part of your everyday schedule. Take time to sit down, review your thoughts and weep if necessary. Let the tears come...they are important. Traditional Christmas practices can be put aside until next year. You and your family are the most important consideration. Remember, it is ok to put yourself first! It is ok to do things differently this year.
Celebrate Christmas in a simple manner. Christmas had its beginnings in the simple and lowly surroundings of a stable. This may not be the year to put up all the extra decorations and lights. Perhaps just a tree and some trimmings with the family joining in to help. A simple creche on a table can help to bring your attention to the meaning of the holiday. Don't feel pressured to send cards this year; let your friends send you the blessings through the mail. Everyone will understand. Don't do all the time-consuming Christmas baking you usually do at the holidays, unless you genuinely want to. Your family will be ok! Allow yourself to buy cookies at the bakery and just have wassail and cookies for dessert. Christmas dinner can be special. It is usually better to have dinner at another's home. Let a relative have dinner at their home....if that is what you want. Don't feel responsible to bring anything. Let them treat you, or go out to a restaurant for dinner. If you insist on having the dinner at home, then do a simple buffet with items from the deli, paper plates, etc. If you need to, place some candles on the table, but everyone will remember this Christmas, if all of the family is together.
Christmas Programs and Services. This year may be difficult for you when you go to programs or church services. Give yourself permission to stay home if you want to. It is ok if you don't go, even though other family members may pressure you to attend. Remember next year will be better and you will be back at these events. God understands how you feel emotionally and does not judge you for not going to church if it hurts too bad. Don't feel guilty. Just staying at home by yourself and watching TV, reading, etc., is ok. Remember we are not approved by God because we go to church, but because of His precious Son, Jesus and His death on the cross for us.
Remembering your loved one. At Christmas time, we usually want to do something to remember our loved one. Perhaps going to the cemetery and placing new flowers, a small tree or cross will help you. Cemeteries at Christmas time are very pretty. Sometimes, it helps to walk around and see how others have remembered their loved ones. Some families write a little note and place it on the grave. Other families may just sit there and talk to one another or the person you have lost. There may be days when you cannot go to the cemetery; it was too painful. That is ok too. Some people donate time and money to needy people as a memorial. Others help those who have lost loved ones by contributing money to the family. It seems to help our grieving hearts to do something tangible to remember our loved one. Many families can sit around the dinner table or tree and talk about their loved one. Good memories shared bring healing to everyone. Remember, though, to let all the family members grieve in their own way.
Other suggestions.
Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself.
Give yourself the gift of time. The holiday itself will be only twenty-four hours in length.
Plan your day, keeping it simple. Allow yourself time to face the hard reality of your loved one's death, in a manageable dose, if you think you can do so this year.
Don't keep yourself so busy that you avoid your feelings or distract yourself from the reality that your loved one is no longer alive. Remember that feelings just are...feelings are ok.
Perhaps writing in your journal or even responses to the following statements will help your grieving process:
When I think of this holiday without you, I feel _________________.
The things I will miss most of all this special day without you is _______________.
The things that you gave me that were important were _____________________.
Next year will be better.
Always keep in mind through the holidays that this season will soon be past and with the new year things will get better. Also remember that there are many people like you who are walking through this season just like you are doing. Jesus will walk through the days with you and things will get better. You may think that most families are having a wonderful holiday season, but that is not the real story. You are not alone in your grieving. This thought may not comfort you now, but later God will show you opportunities to help others who grieve as you have grieved.
Building Memories at Christmas!
Buy a small live tree to place in the yard after Christmas. The tree will be there in years to come and may be decorated with lights each year. (not necessarily a Christmas tree)
Candles help to bring warmth into a home a Christmas time. The light is a symbol of Jesus' birth. Luminaries in the yard bring a sense of peace, particularly on Christmas Eve. (white sack, sand in bottom, small candle inside; line the front of your home near the street or sidewalk)
Remember your loved one in your home in a special way. Perhaps a small vase with a single rose; buy an electric candle to place in your window. Often a poinsettia plant or a Christmas cactus provide memories if you replate them later. Children need to have something to help provide them with a memory of that special person they lost. Whether it is the loss of a sibling, parent, grandparent, friend, etc., allow the child to help pick out something so the whole family will remember their loved one. Buying a special ornament for the tree is a memory building for upcoming Christmases. You can be sure that whatever is done to remember the loved one, will be treasured and remembered for many years.
Be sure to keep some of your family traditions especially if you have children at home. They need to have warm familiar feelings at Christmas. Pick two or three traditions that will not overwork any one person. If a friend or relative can help put up the tree, decorate, etc., this is helpful. If possible have a relative or friend take the children to a Christmas pageant or concert; a night out looking at Christmas lights or a good Christmas movie. If you feel comfortable, then attend yourself. It will be a major step in the healing phase of grieving.
Christmas is certainly more than decorated trees, songs of snowmen and hectic shopping and gift giving. Christmas is a time to recall God's great love for us symbolized in the birth of the Christ child. As you walk through this holiday season, try to remember and focus on God's gift, which is so great that it encompasses all pain.
We are people of the past, present and future. We have been taught the value of the past. Some memories are happy ones, others are tragic or sorrowful. May we all find the grace to move the death of our loved ones into our memory. May the memories find a place of honor in our lives, but may we also be able to live fully in the present, which is all that has been given to us, and to move forward into the future with hope and confidence that we are experiencing guidance, empowerment and healing."
