Dreams (written in 2002, I think)
I believe I dream to deal with what?s been happening in my life during the day. Some of my dreams have been silly or funny; the ones I?ve had over the last 18 months have been tragic but hopeful. My first husband, my best friend Rich, died in May, 2001. My dreams about him have had two purposes: to help me deal with the grief and to help him communicate with me.

I wanted to dream about Rich so desperately. I wondered why it didn?t happen ? was it the antidepressants I was taking? Other widows told me that the initial grief is so deep and so intense, our loved ones can?t come through in a dream. Later, when the worst of the pain has passed, they can come to us in a dream. That is what happened with me.

I have had two types of dreams about Rich. In one, he is dead and I realize it. In the other, it?s as if we were both alive and married. I first dreamed about him about 6 months after he died.

I dreamed we were selling our house in Maryland. A deaf couple came to the house, wanting to buy it. Rich and I were frantically trying to pack up the basement and I suddenly realized the toilet was leaking! Rich tried to clean it up but there was just too much water. The deaf couple said, sorry, but we can?t help you and left. Later, I dreamed I was in the parking lot outside a hotel. It looked like it was at the beach, maybe Ocean City. I was looking for Rich and went into the hotel. There was a long line waiting to get into the dining room. I didn?t see Rich. The person in front of me was Alex Trebec and he told me he was sorry, he didn?t know the answer to my question.

It wasn?t hard for me to understand what was going on. The leaking toilet was Rich?s heart condition. He?d had a leaky aortic valve. He hadn?t especially wanted to deal with having a heart condition in the beginning. Later, it was to the point that neither of us could stop the progression. The deaf couple are my parents. When Rich had his heart surgery, they weren?t especially supportive or helpful. I interpret the hotel to be the afterlife. Alex Trebec hosted Jeopardy, our favorite game show, and I thought he was saying he couldn?t answer my question about what happened to Rich or where he was. I think I was just dealing with everything that happened in that dream.

I?ve had several dreams in which Rich either was alive (and it was his last day) or he thought he was alive. I knew in each dream that I was going to lose him. I didn?t want him to know because he looked so young and happy. He was healthy and strong again. I believe I had these dreams to help me work through grief. When I was awake, I sometimes was in a state of shock. I couldn?t believe it happened. I knew that it had but it just seemed so incredible. I think these dreams were to help me let go of him.

I haven?t had as many dreams where I knew he was just visiting for a short time but had to go back to heaven. He came into the room and sat on the bed, holding me in his arms and rocking me gently. He said he could only stay a few moments but he wanted me to know that he would always love me and watch over me. Another time, he lay down next to me and draped his arm across my waist, just as he always used to do. It was a comforting gesture. I knew he couldn?t stay long. I always felt so much better after a dream like that. I strongly believe that life goes on after death and that Rich was actually with me. I think that because heaven is in a parallel time band, we can?t see our loved ones in the conventional way. They can communicate with us through dreams and I think that is why so many people experience after death communications (ADCs) in dreams.

None of my dreams have been predictive. I think it?s possible that some dreams do foretell events. I don?t have them because I am not sensitive to the afterlife and to the future. I think there are people who do have prophetical dreams. Just as a loved one would come and communicate with me, why wouldn?t others try to let us know what?s happening in the future?

Some people don?t like to remember their dreams. I welcome them because they help me understand a little more about myself.

"The Meeting"
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

After so long an absence
At last we meet again:
Does the meeting give us pleasure,
Or does it give us pain?

The tree of life has been shaken,
And but few of us linger now,
Like the Prophet's two or three berries
In the top of the uttermost bough.

We cordially greet each other
In the old, familiar tone;
And we think, though we do not say it,
How old and gray he is grown!

We speak of a Merry Christmas
And many a Happy New Year
But each in his heart is thinking
Of those that are not here.

We speak of friends and their fortunes,
And of what they did and said,
Till the dead alone seem living,
And the living alone seem dead.

And at last we hardly distinguish
Between the ghosts and the guests;
And a mist and shadow of sadness
Steals over our merriest jests.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

Preparing for Christmas
I didn't write this. It was on a mailing list on yahoogroups:

"As we approach the holiday season many many telephone calls have been received regarding tips for coping during the first holiday season after the loss and while still working the way through grief. The losses that many of our friends and families are experiencing are overwhelming, especially during this holiday season. There are many in our communities who will be celebrating (or perhaps just getting through) this holiday after the recent loss of a loved one. There are others who are coping with stresses as the result of mental illness and other physical illnesses. All of us know the stress level is heightened throughout the holiday season. Below are some tips from various sources. It is important to keep one another in our thoughts especially over the next few days.


Take care of yourself physically. Of utmost importance, you must allow yourself to get a lot of rest. If your body is weary, take an hour to sit or lie down. Your body will tell you what you need. Loss and stress drains the body of energy and strength. Don't try to do what you have done at previous Christmases. If you want baking and decorating to be done and are not in the mood, ask someone to help you. Don't be afraid to admit your physical weakness. Remember at holiday time, your emotions will play a large part of your everyday schedule. Take time to sit down, review your thoughts and weep if necessary. Let the tears come...they are important. Traditional Christmas practices can be put aside until next year. You and your family are the most important consideration. Remember, it is ok to put yourself first! It is ok to do things differently this year.

Celebrate Christmas in a simple manner. Christmas had its beginnings in the simple and lowly surroundings of a stable. This may not be the year to put up all the extra decorations and lights. Perhaps just a tree and some trimmings with the family joining in to help. A simple creche on a table can help to bring your attention to the meaning of the holiday. Don't feel pressured to send cards this year; let your friends send you the blessings through the mail. Everyone will understand. Don't do all the time-consuming Christmas baking you usually do at the holidays, unless you genuinely want to. Your family will be ok! Allow yourself to buy cookies at the bakery and just have wassail and cookies for dessert. Christmas dinner can be special. It is usually better to have dinner at another's home. Let a relative have dinner at their home....if that is what you want. Don't feel responsible to bring anything. Let them treat you, or go out to a restaurant for dinner. If you insist on having the dinner at home, then do a simple buffet with items from the deli, paper plates, etc. If you need to, place some candles on the table, but everyone will remember this Christmas, if all of the family is together.

Christmas Programs and Services. This year may be difficult for you when you go to programs or church services. Give yourself permission to stay home if you want to. It is ok if you don't go, even though other family members may pressure you to attend. Remember next year will be better and you will be back at these events. God understands how you feel emotionally and does not judge you for not going to church if it hurts too bad. Don't feel guilty. Just staying at home by yourself and watching TV, reading, etc., is ok. Remember we are not approved by God because we go to church, but because of His precious Son, Jesus and His death on the cross for us.

Remembering your loved one. At Christmas time, we usually want to do something to remember our loved one. Perhaps going to the cemetery and placing new flowers, a small tree or cross will help you. Cemeteries at Christmas time are very pretty. Sometimes, it helps to walk around and see how others have remembered their loved ones. Some families write a little note and place it on the grave. Other families may just sit there and talk to one another or the person you have lost. There may be days when you cannot go to the cemetery; it was too painful. That is ok too. Some people donate time and money to needy people as a memorial. Others help those who have lost loved ones by contributing money to the family. It seems to help our grieving hearts to do something tangible to remember our loved one. Many families can sit around the dinner table or tree and talk about their loved one. Good memories shared bring healing to everyone. Remember, though, to let all the family members grieve in their own way.

Other suggestions.
Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself.
Give yourself the gift of time. The holiday itself will be only twenty-four hours in length.
Plan your day, keeping it simple. Allow yourself time to face the hard reality of your loved one's death, in a manageable dose, if you think you can do so this year.

Don't keep yourself so busy that you avoid your feelings or distract yourself from the reality that your loved one is no longer alive. Remember that feelings just are...feelings are ok.

Perhaps writing in your journal or even responses to the following statements will help your grieving process:
When I think of this holiday without you, I feel _________________.
The things I will miss most of all this special day without you is _______________.
The things that you gave me that were important were _____________________.


Next year will be better.
Always keep in mind through the holidays that this season will soon be past and with the new year things will get better. Also remember that there are many people like you who are walking through this season just like you are doing. Jesus will walk through the days with you and things will get better. You may think that most families are having a wonderful holiday season, but that is not the real story. You are not alone in your grieving. This thought may not comfort you now, but later God will show you opportunities to help others who grieve as you have grieved.

Building Memories at Christmas!
Buy a small live tree to place in the yard after Christmas. The tree will be there in years to come and may be decorated with lights each year. (not necessarily a Christmas tree)

Candles help to bring warmth into a home a Christmas time. The light is a symbol of Jesus' birth. Luminaries in the yard bring a sense of peace, particularly on Christmas Eve. (white sack, sand in bottom, small candle inside; line the front of your home near the street or sidewalk)

Remember your loved one in your home in a special way. Perhaps a small vase with a single rose; buy an electric candle to place in your window. Often a poinsettia plant or a Christmas cactus provide memories if you replate them later. Children need to have something to help provide them with a memory of that special person they lost. Whether it is the loss of a sibling, parent, grandparent, friend, etc., allow the child to help pick out something so the whole family will remember their loved one. Buying a special ornament for the tree is a memory building for upcoming Christmases. You can be sure that whatever is done to remember the loved one, will be treasured and remembered for many years.

Be sure to keep some of your family traditions especially if you have children at home. They need to have warm familiar feelings at Christmas. Pick two or three traditions that will not overwork any one person. If a friend or relative can help put up the tree, decorate, etc., this is helpful. If possible have a relative or friend take the children to a Christmas pageant or concert; a night out looking at Christmas lights or a good Christmas movie. If you feel comfortable, then attend yourself. It will be a major step in the healing phase of grieving.

Christmas is certainly more than decorated trees, songs of snowmen and hectic shopping and gift giving. Christmas is a time to recall God's great love for us symbolized in the birth of the Christ child. As you walk through this holiday season, try to remember and focus on God's gift, which is so great that it encompasses all pain.

We are people of the past, present and future. We have been taught the value of the past. Some memories are happy ones, others are tragic or sorrowful. May we all find the grace to move the death of our loved ones into our memory. May the memories find a place of honor in our lives, but may we also be able to live fully in the present, which is all that has been given to us, and to move forward into the future with hope and confidence that we are experiencing guidance, empowerment and healing."

December 19, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

It?s about 8:30 in the evening of my birthday, my first one without you since I met you in 1983. And yet, except for a few moments here and there (once, when I was passing a Big & Tall store on Sunrise Highway that we went to frequently) and right now, I didn?t feel sad. I slept soundly, hoping the night before to remember a dream with you in it. I?ve been praying to God, to the angels and asking you to please come and please let me remember but it didn?t happen. Still, I was in a good mood.

I went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping for the kids, for Alberta, your father ? and for me, too, I guess. I got a couple of things that were on the kids? list but a lot of it was also impulsive buying, oh, I think they?d like this or I think they?d like that. I found two books at Hallmark. They are collections of thoughts and verses from mothers to daughters. I looked for a book that was from a mother to a son and there was nothing. There was from FATHER to son ? and I couldn?t bring myself to buy it. I got Billy an ID bracelet. I hope he feels it is masculine enough to wear. I was still going to try and find a mother to son book.

I came home and took a nap. There was something odd going on last night so I knew the kids were up to something about my birthday. They were upstairs like a bunch of conspirators until about 11. I came up, read for a while, and then turned in but noticed Billy was still up ?cleaning his room.? And you can actually see into it. The piles of clothes have been moved to one big hill in the hall way upstairs. I can see the floor entering his room although God knows what is still behind the bed. Anyway, I said to him, ?Don?t stay up too late? and he said he wouldn?t, but he wanted to clean his room. I said, ?You don?t have to do that now? and he said he was almost done.

Anyway, he overslept, which is really unusual for him. I got up at six and he was still sleeping so I woke up and came downstairs to find his robe draped over the door to the hutch. I spent about two seconds wondering what it was doing there and then just went about my business making my coffee. Billy was so tired and dragging around but he made it off to school. When I got up from my nap though I could see he was just about sound asleep on the couch. I wondered about that. I woke him and sent him upstairs to sleep for about an hour while I waited for the girls to get home.

My plan was to have dinner at Applebee?s and then stop at the bookstore with one of my gift certificates. I found out Billy had a paper and all this homework to do that is all due tomorrow and I was kind of annoyed but I figured it?s MY birthday, he chose to put everything off to the last minute so he?ll have to suffer the consequences. We had a really nice dinner. A young man came around making balloon hats, animals, flowers, and other things. It turns out Wednesdays are balloon night at Applebees. Nice to know I can associate Wednesday with something other than the day of the week you died. The man made a bow and arrow set for Billy, a flower for Heidi, a very tall bizarre hat for Kristin and another birthday hat for me. It kind of looks like it has a propeller on it, like a Beanie hat.

We got so FULL. Then we went to Barnes and Noble next. I got the kids some books with the certificate. I also picked up a Georgia O?Keeffe calendar. I always did like her paintings of flowers.

We stopped at Burger King for some desserts and I figured that would be our ?birthday cake? ? except we hadn?t been home for five minutes when Billy came out with a double layer chocolate fudge cake! He had stuck candles in it and was singing ?Happy Birthday? at the top of his voice. I was SO surprised I couldn?t say a word. Billy was so proud of himself. He said now you know why my bathrobe was there and now you know why I was up so late! I asked him what time he?d finally gone to bed and when he said two I nearly cried.

Heidi fussed at him saying it was HER idea too and he admitted yes, it was and that originally she would have stayed up too to help except they figured she would be a perfect beast in the morning after so little sleep. He ended up doing everything himself ? including washing the dishes he?d messed up! I was so touched. I had to give him a big hug.

Kristin said she picked out the cake mix and frosting and I asked, ?When did you do that?? She explained it was when we went grocery shopping. She and Heidi went in one direction with the cart and Billy and I went in the other. Billy was surprised that I didn?t see it being rung up but then I remembered that a big metal rod of some sort fell and hit me behind the knee. It was so painful the managers had to get me a chair to sit in and I missed seeing the groceries go into the bag. I said, ?Dad must have done that so I wouldn?t see the cake mix? and everyone laughed.

Billy hid the cake last night before going to bed and everyone just carried on like nothing was going on. They didn?t want to ruin the surprise and that?s why they didn?t try to stop me from buying the Burger King desserts.

Billy won a pink rabbit for me out of one of those machines at the bowling alley, the same kind of machine where you spent about $20 before finally winning Boo-Boo Bear for me. Kristin bought a green Irish beanie baby bear for me with money she?d saved and I?m not sure what Heidi got me because the gift isn?t finished. It needs to be painted.

I thanked them all for such a wonderful day. I stopped myself from saying the only thing missing was you. What I should have said was that the only thing that would have made the day any better was if you?d been here ? and I didn?t say that either. I?m not sure why. I didn?t want them to feel like what they?d done wasn?t good enough because it was. I don?t think I?ve ever had such a nice birthday ? without you. It would not have been such a good day without the things they did to make it a nice birthday.

I miss you so much Rich. My wish as I blew out the candles was that I could talk to you once more ? and remember it. I love you so much. I?m sure you were with us today, too, and I just want to say thanks for being with me, for loving me, for all the special things you did for me ? I?ll always love you.

I got a balloon for myself today, thinking that you might have picked out something like that. It says, ?Aged to Perfection?.

Goodnight my love. Come up and see me sometime, willya?

Love,
Me

December 17, 2001
Hi Rich,

You would not like how the house looks now. You wouldn?t have liked all the crazy stuff that went on today. I wasn?t too much crazy about it but you know what? It makes me laugh and well, this just seems to be the way things are for us. This is what I wrote back to Nancy K:

Tonight was an adventure. Billy was supposed to go to a holiday party at TGIFridays at 5:30, Heidi had a Girl Scout party to go to and Kristin was in the winter concert. So no big deal, I go to drop him off and he'd said it was at the mall ... but no TGIFriday's. He said, "Oh, I guess it's AROUND the mall."

Me (trying to be calm): Around the mall? You mean like behind it? East of it? West of it?

Billy: I don't know. Can't we look?

grrrrrr....so l went west on Sunrise, remembering maybe a TGIFriday's about a 1/2 mile away and it's there. Whew. So then we stop at home for a quick bite. I was going to drop Heidi off at 6:15 and then get Kristin to the school by 6:30 ... and at about five after six, Billy calls to tell me that his party "forgot" to show up and he has no money. It figures.

So we get to TGIFriday's only to learn the boy has become bored and wandered off into Borders bookstore. I am ready to kill him. It's now 6:20 and no way is either girl going to be on time. Heidi is yelling at him for being so "stupid" and he's insisting that he got the information right, it's just that NO ONE showed up, they must have gotten sick or forgot. This is the SGA...and not even the teachers are there? I don't think so...I think he heard "mall" and assumed Sunrise Mall. There's a mall on 110 too...and that's IN Farmingdale. Billy insists no, everyone must have just forgotten.

So I drop Heidi off at the library for her party (only because it's before the place Kristin needs to go to) and we get to the school at 10 minutes before 7 and there are NO parking places, it's pouring, and Kristin's crying her eyes out. But we went running into the building looking like three fat members of The Breakfast Club skidding in the hallways and Kristin gets there just in time to join her line going in.

And there is no place to sit. Luckily Kristin's part is done within a half hour, we go back to the library, and now it's really pouring, collect Heidi (who has had the best time of the evening but the first thing she says is I don't WANNA go to school tomorrow).

I had a job interview on friday at a Montessori school. They liked me a lot and said they have to go through this red tape stuff with the Board. I liked them BUT it's another M-F gig 8-3:30 and while that is great for the money, what the hell am I supposed to do if Kristin gets sick again and can't go to school? So luckily I think nothing will happen on that until after the new year. After I send the kids to school tomorrow I'm either going to go back to sleep (if it's raining) or I'm going to go bopping around town.

December 15, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I thought you were going to motivate me to write? LOL?well, I did cancel the spa membership. And today Kristin, Heidi and I went caroling with the Girl Scouts. That was eh for me but fun for Kristin. Heidi was completely miserable, poor kid. She only came along because she thought we?d go someplace fun afterwards so I did take her for some ice cream. I?ve been playing lots of CDs this evening while the TV is one ? it?s been very relaxing.

Last night I went into a candle lighting ceremony with Coral and other people and it was very nice, very emotional. I sat there with tears rolling down my face, imagining you holding me, reassuring me. I wonder if that?s the beginning?what Coral and the others meant by FEEL it ? was it real? Anyway, I felt really warm, really good. I haven?t feel as depressed or as despairing as I have in past days.

I feel like we should go to see Oma tomorrow. It was her birthday on Monday ? 91!

She sent us a lot of money. So did your father and your Uncle George and Aunt Terri ? they all think we?re going to Florida. I just now wrote to Alberta to tell her that we weren?t going? I really am going to try and work on the story. If I don?t do that then at least I?ll work on better journal entries, pull out some pictures and write more memories of our life together. It?s almost Christmas?please come home for Christmas, just for a little while.

December 13, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I?m not sure how I feel today. A little depressed, a little disoriented ? it is raining, and at first I thought: oh goody, a day to go out and finish my Christmas shopping for the kids. Now I?m thinking: do I really want to go out in THIS? It?s supposed to be rainy and foggy tonight too and I?m supposed to go out to Mineola to take a first aid course. Yuck. Of course, I am NOT into doing that at all?

Kristin went off to school but Heidi is still sick so it?s not like I have the house to myself either.

I?m trying to motivate myself to make small trips?to the post office, to cancel the spa membership, other little things. I?m trying to motivate myself to WRITE. Think you could help inspire me a little there? More later dear. I have so much free time on my hands I have no clue what to do right now?

December 12, 2001
Well, sweetheart,

What do you think of this now? No more job at ***! I went in on Monday ? slept only 3 hours for some reason over Sunday. When I got home I took a nap and woke up NOT in the mood to go to the holiday party. The kids were fighting and being uncooperative, though, and Kristin was whining about a sore throat and so I wanted out. I went without directions and so, of course, I didn?t find the damn place.

The next day, when I got up, Kristin?s throat was a mess and she had a fever. I called work and I called the interpreter agency and told them I had to take Kristin to the dr. Turns out she had a bacterial infection in her throat. Today, both Kristin and Heidi both felt poopy and the agency said if I needed more time to let them know and I did.

Then Joan ?you?re like a member of our family? M called and basically told me not to come back. The girls were frightened and upset but I told them not to worry. The Florida trip is gonna be off until I get another stable job though ?

I also called the agency and Liz at the school for the deaf to tell them I was available to interpret. NYSD called with a position in South Huntington ? a Montessori school. I?m going to go over there and meet with them on Friday morning. It?s from 8:30 to 3, if I like it. Well, we?ll have to see, right, sweetie?

Damn, it?s always something! What would you say? That which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger ? this too shall pass ? it?ll work out for us. I know you are with us, dear. I?m sorry I?m not being stronger. I imagine if I was my sweet accommodating self this wouldn?t be happening but I won?t suck up to them?they may say I?m like family but they have unrealistic expectations of their employees so ? I am not really all that sorry. I am a little concerned about the amount of interpreting at the Montessori school but we?ll just have to see, right?

I love you baby.

Was that you on my left side tonight?

Love ya forever,
Me

December 10, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

It?s 4:35 in the morning, and I?ve been awake for about an hour. Why am I not sleeping on your grandmother?s birthday? Is it because you are not here? Is it because I thought I might hear from you sometime during the hour I lay upstairs, suddenly wide-eyed and unable to drift off again? Is it gas pains?

Later on, I am supposed to go to work?s Christmas party. Now how am I supposed to function when I haven?t had enough sleep? Rich, you used to have insomnia almost all the time ? have I ?caught? it from you somehow? Are you coming to me in my dreams and I just don?t know it, just don?t remember? Ya wanna give me a sign here and let me know if I?m on the right track? I did everything right, I thought?signed off the computer at 10, got the kids into bed, read a chapter of Harry Potter, was turning out the light and trying to sleep by 11:30 ? at at 3:30, I?m wiiiiiiiiide awake. Someone got into bed with me and woke me up but I?m pretty sure that was Kristin, getting into bed ? but where was she? Sleep walking? Going to the bathroom? I don?t know?

Babydoll, this is not easy without you. I miss you. I was irritable yesterday and warned the kids I would be. I took them to Tri-County flea market and then we also stopped for some Christmas printer papers, a TV sling for the new TV ?

December 8, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

I woke up this morning at about 5:30 and was feeling wide-awake with an odd, tense feeling in my stomach. I don?t remember if I dreamed anything but there was some Christmas music on the air and the song had to do with missing the loved one at Christmas ? was that you? And Jennifer from work sent me an email that had to do with one of the museums in the city opening a butterfly exhibit. She saw it and sent it to me. Sometimes I think angels send messages through other people and I wonder if these weren?t the signs I was looking for from you?

There are a couple of poems that I saw online that have been bringing me comfort and easing the sting of you not being here. I don?t know who wrote either of these:

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heavens stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music cant compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels voices sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really are'nt apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold, I
t was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I cant count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

The other one goes like this and it seems more like for after Christmas or for people who have been gone longer:

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I had my first Christmas in heaven--
A glorious and wonderful day.
I stood with the saints of the ages
Who found the truth and the way.
I sang with the heavenly choir.
Just think, I joined in to sing,
And oh, what celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!
We sang the glad songs of redemption--
How Jesus to Bethlehem came--
And how they called his name "Jesus,"
That all might be saved through His name.
We sang once again with the angels
The Message they sang that blest morn,
When shepherds first heard the glad story,
That Jesus the Savior was born.
Oh Dear Ones, I wish you had been there!
No Christmas on earth can compare
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in heaven so fair.
You know that I always loved Christmas.
It seemed such a wonderful day
With all my loved ones around me,
The children so happy and gay.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And oh, what a joy it will be
When all my loved ones are with me
To share in the glories I see!
So dear ones on earth, here's my greeting:
Look up til the day dawn appears.
And oh, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond our parting and tears!
author unknown

Oh yeah, and I decided not to go to the Frid show after all. Ya know, I just haven?t felt right about it since you died. I didn?t get what I felt were satisfactory arrangements for Billy and Kristin ? he would be staying alone in the house, and she was going to be with a neighbor. Then, two nights ago, Kristin asked me about it?are you really going? I said yes, but she didn?t say anything and started to cry. She?s really worried about the separation from me. I talked to the school psychologist and she said she was more concerned about Billy being alone, which hadn?t really occurred to me!

Anyway she said that while it would be a good idea for Kristin to get used to me going away now was not a good time to do it because all the arrangements are so fragmentary?Kristin in one place, Billy alone, Heidi with me ? and so I called it off. I know Nancy and the others are disappointed but I felt relieved. I was doing this more for Nancy than for any other reason.

I?m not sure how Heidi feels about it. I know she wanted to go away with me alone and I know I should make time for that but then all of the kids need that.

ARGH?Rich I really still miss you SO much!

9:45 p.m. I especially feel it now, sweetie. I finally broke down and we watched It?s A Wonderful Life and toward the end of the movie, I really began to miss you. I wonder if you know how much you touched our lives, as George Bailey touched the lives of the people around him ? and he ran past a movie theater showing The Bells of St. Mary?s and I thought how much you liked that movie too. I am trying really hard not to fall into a funk again. It?s hard to celebrate Christmas without you, my love.