December 19, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

It?s about 8:30 in the evening of my birthday, my first one without you since I met you in 1983. And yet, except for a few moments here and there (once, when I was passing a Big & Tall store on Sunrise Highway that we went to frequently) and right now, I didn?t feel sad. I slept soundly, hoping the night before to remember a dream with you in it. I?ve been praying to God, to the angels and asking you to please come and please let me remember but it didn?t happen. Still, I was in a good mood.

I went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping for the kids, for Alberta, your father ? and for me, too, I guess. I got a couple of things that were on the kids? list but a lot of it was also impulsive buying, oh, I think they?d like this or I think they?d like that. I found two books at Hallmark. They are collections of thoughts and verses from mothers to daughters. I looked for a book that was from a mother to a son and there was nothing. There was from FATHER to son ? and I couldn?t bring myself to buy it. I got Billy an ID bracelet. I hope he feels it is masculine enough to wear. I was still going to try and find a mother to son book.

I came home and took a nap. There was something odd going on last night so I knew the kids were up to something about my birthday. They were upstairs like a bunch of conspirators until about 11. I came up, read for a while, and then turned in but noticed Billy was still up ?cleaning his room.? And you can actually see into it. The piles of clothes have been moved to one big hill in the hall way upstairs. I can see the floor entering his room although God knows what is still behind the bed. Anyway, I said to him, ?Don?t stay up too late? and he said he wouldn?t, but he wanted to clean his room. I said, ?You don?t have to do that now? and he said he was almost done.

Anyway, he overslept, which is really unusual for him. I got up at six and he was still sleeping so I woke up and came downstairs to find his robe draped over the door to the hutch. I spent about two seconds wondering what it was doing there and then just went about my business making my coffee. Billy was so tired and dragging around but he made it off to school. When I got up from my nap though I could see he was just about sound asleep on the couch. I wondered about that. I woke him and sent him upstairs to sleep for about an hour while I waited for the girls to get home.

My plan was to have dinner at Applebee?s and then stop at the bookstore with one of my gift certificates. I found out Billy had a paper and all this homework to do that is all due tomorrow and I was kind of annoyed but I figured it?s MY birthday, he chose to put everything off to the last minute so he?ll have to suffer the consequences. We had a really nice dinner. A young man came around making balloon hats, animals, flowers, and other things. It turns out Wednesdays are balloon night at Applebees. Nice to know I can associate Wednesday with something other than the day of the week you died. The man made a bow and arrow set for Billy, a flower for Heidi, a very tall bizarre hat for Kristin and another birthday hat for me. It kind of looks like it has a propeller on it, like a Beanie hat.

We got so FULL. Then we went to Barnes and Noble next. I got the kids some books with the certificate. I also picked up a Georgia O?Keeffe calendar. I always did like her paintings of flowers.

We stopped at Burger King for some desserts and I figured that would be our ?birthday cake? ? except we hadn?t been home for five minutes when Billy came out with a double layer chocolate fudge cake! He had stuck candles in it and was singing ?Happy Birthday? at the top of his voice. I was SO surprised I couldn?t say a word. Billy was so proud of himself. He said now you know why my bathrobe was there and now you know why I was up so late! I asked him what time he?d finally gone to bed and when he said two I nearly cried.

Heidi fussed at him saying it was HER idea too and he admitted yes, it was and that originally she would have stayed up too to help except they figured she would be a perfect beast in the morning after so little sleep. He ended up doing everything himself ? including washing the dishes he?d messed up! I was so touched. I had to give him a big hug.

Kristin said she picked out the cake mix and frosting and I asked, ?When did you do that?? She explained it was when we went grocery shopping. She and Heidi went in one direction with the cart and Billy and I went in the other. Billy was surprised that I didn?t see it being rung up but then I remembered that a big metal rod of some sort fell and hit me behind the knee. It was so painful the managers had to get me a chair to sit in and I missed seeing the groceries go into the bag. I said, ?Dad must have done that so I wouldn?t see the cake mix? and everyone laughed.

Billy hid the cake last night before going to bed and everyone just carried on like nothing was going on. They didn?t want to ruin the surprise and that?s why they didn?t try to stop me from buying the Burger King desserts.

Billy won a pink rabbit for me out of one of those machines at the bowling alley, the same kind of machine where you spent about $20 before finally winning Boo-Boo Bear for me. Kristin bought a green Irish beanie baby bear for me with money she?d saved and I?m not sure what Heidi got me because the gift isn?t finished. It needs to be painted.

I thanked them all for such a wonderful day. I stopped myself from saying the only thing missing was you. What I should have said was that the only thing that would have made the day any better was if you?d been here ? and I didn?t say that either. I?m not sure why. I didn?t want them to feel like what they?d done wasn?t good enough because it was. I don?t think I?ve ever had such a nice birthday ? without you. It would not have been such a good day without the things they did to make it a nice birthday.

I miss you so much Rich. My wish as I blew out the candles was that I could talk to you once more ? and remember it. I love you so much. I?m sure you were with us today, too, and I just want to say thanks for being with me, for loving me, for all the special things you did for me ? I?ll always love you.

I got a balloon for myself today, thinking that you might have picked out something like that. It says, ?Aged to Perfection?.

Goodnight my love. Come up and see me sometime, willya?

Love,
Me

December 17, 2001
Hi Rich,

You would not like how the house looks now. You wouldn?t have liked all the crazy stuff that went on today. I wasn?t too much crazy about it but you know what? It makes me laugh and well, this just seems to be the way things are for us. This is what I wrote back to Nancy K:

Tonight was an adventure. Billy was supposed to go to a holiday party at TGIFridays at 5:30, Heidi had a Girl Scout party to go to and Kristin was in the winter concert. So no big deal, I go to drop him off and he'd said it was at the mall ... but no TGIFriday's. He said, "Oh, I guess it's AROUND the mall."

Me (trying to be calm): Around the mall? You mean like behind it? East of it? West of it?

Billy: I don't know. Can't we look?

grrrrrr....so l went west on Sunrise, remembering maybe a TGIFriday's about a 1/2 mile away and it's there. Whew. So then we stop at home for a quick bite. I was going to drop Heidi off at 6:15 and then get Kristin to the school by 6:30 ... and at about five after six, Billy calls to tell me that his party "forgot" to show up and he has no money. It figures.

So we get to TGIFriday's only to learn the boy has become bored and wandered off into Borders bookstore. I am ready to kill him. It's now 6:20 and no way is either girl going to be on time. Heidi is yelling at him for being so "stupid" and he's insisting that he got the information right, it's just that NO ONE showed up, they must have gotten sick or forgot. This is the SGA...and not even the teachers are there? I don't think so...I think he heard "mall" and assumed Sunrise Mall. There's a mall on 110 too...and that's IN Farmingdale. Billy insists no, everyone must have just forgotten.

So I drop Heidi off at the library for her party (only because it's before the place Kristin needs to go to) and we get to the school at 10 minutes before 7 and there are NO parking places, it's pouring, and Kristin's crying her eyes out. But we went running into the building looking like three fat members of The Breakfast Club skidding in the hallways and Kristin gets there just in time to join her line going in.

And there is no place to sit. Luckily Kristin's part is done within a half hour, we go back to the library, and now it's really pouring, collect Heidi (who has had the best time of the evening but the first thing she says is I don't WANNA go to school tomorrow).

I had a job interview on friday at a Montessori school. They liked me a lot and said they have to go through this red tape stuff with the Board. I liked them BUT it's another M-F gig 8-3:30 and while that is great for the money, what the hell am I supposed to do if Kristin gets sick again and can't go to school? So luckily I think nothing will happen on that until after the new year. After I send the kids to school tomorrow I'm either going to go back to sleep (if it's raining) or I'm going to go bopping around town.

December 15, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I thought you were going to motivate me to write? LOL?well, I did cancel the spa membership. And today Kristin, Heidi and I went caroling with the Girl Scouts. That was eh for me but fun for Kristin. Heidi was completely miserable, poor kid. She only came along because she thought we?d go someplace fun afterwards so I did take her for some ice cream. I?ve been playing lots of CDs this evening while the TV is one ? it?s been very relaxing.

Last night I went into a candle lighting ceremony with Coral and other people and it was very nice, very emotional. I sat there with tears rolling down my face, imagining you holding me, reassuring me. I wonder if that?s the beginning?what Coral and the others meant by FEEL it ? was it real? Anyway, I felt really warm, really good. I haven?t feel as depressed or as despairing as I have in past days.

I feel like we should go to see Oma tomorrow. It was her birthday on Monday ? 91!

She sent us a lot of money. So did your father and your Uncle George and Aunt Terri ? they all think we?re going to Florida. I just now wrote to Alberta to tell her that we weren?t going? I really am going to try and work on the story. If I don?t do that then at least I?ll work on better journal entries, pull out some pictures and write more memories of our life together. It?s almost Christmas?please come home for Christmas, just for a little while.

December 13, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I?m not sure how I feel today. A little depressed, a little disoriented ? it is raining, and at first I thought: oh goody, a day to go out and finish my Christmas shopping for the kids. Now I?m thinking: do I really want to go out in THIS? It?s supposed to be rainy and foggy tonight too and I?m supposed to go out to Mineola to take a first aid course. Yuck. Of course, I am NOT into doing that at all?

Kristin went off to school but Heidi is still sick so it?s not like I have the house to myself either.

I?m trying to motivate myself to make small trips?to the post office, to cancel the spa membership, other little things. I?m trying to motivate myself to WRITE. Think you could help inspire me a little there? More later dear. I have so much free time on my hands I have no clue what to do right now?

December 12, 2001
Well, sweetheart,

What do you think of this now? No more job at ***! I went in on Monday ? slept only 3 hours for some reason over Sunday. When I got home I took a nap and woke up NOT in the mood to go to the holiday party. The kids were fighting and being uncooperative, though, and Kristin was whining about a sore throat and so I wanted out. I went without directions and so, of course, I didn?t find the damn place.

The next day, when I got up, Kristin?s throat was a mess and she had a fever. I called work and I called the interpreter agency and told them I had to take Kristin to the dr. Turns out she had a bacterial infection in her throat. Today, both Kristin and Heidi both felt poopy and the agency said if I needed more time to let them know and I did.

Then Joan ?you?re like a member of our family? M called and basically told me not to come back. The girls were frightened and upset but I told them not to worry. The Florida trip is gonna be off until I get another stable job though ?

I also called the agency and Liz at the school for the deaf to tell them I was available to interpret. NYSD called with a position in South Huntington ? a Montessori school. I?m going to go over there and meet with them on Friday morning. It?s from 8:30 to 3, if I like it. Well, we?ll have to see, right, sweetie?

Damn, it?s always something! What would you say? That which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger ? this too shall pass ? it?ll work out for us. I know you are with us, dear. I?m sorry I?m not being stronger. I imagine if I was my sweet accommodating self this wouldn?t be happening but I won?t suck up to them?they may say I?m like family but they have unrealistic expectations of their employees so ? I am not really all that sorry. I am a little concerned about the amount of interpreting at the Montessori school but we?ll just have to see, right?

I love you baby.

Was that you on my left side tonight?

Love ya forever,
Me

December 10, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

It?s 4:35 in the morning, and I?ve been awake for about an hour. Why am I not sleeping on your grandmother?s birthday? Is it because you are not here? Is it because I thought I might hear from you sometime during the hour I lay upstairs, suddenly wide-eyed and unable to drift off again? Is it gas pains?

Later on, I am supposed to go to work?s Christmas party. Now how am I supposed to function when I haven?t had enough sleep? Rich, you used to have insomnia almost all the time ? have I ?caught? it from you somehow? Are you coming to me in my dreams and I just don?t know it, just don?t remember? Ya wanna give me a sign here and let me know if I?m on the right track? I did everything right, I thought?signed off the computer at 10, got the kids into bed, read a chapter of Harry Potter, was turning out the light and trying to sleep by 11:30 ? at at 3:30, I?m wiiiiiiiiide awake. Someone got into bed with me and woke me up but I?m pretty sure that was Kristin, getting into bed ? but where was she? Sleep walking? Going to the bathroom? I don?t know?

Babydoll, this is not easy without you. I miss you. I was irritable yesterday and warned the kids I would be. I took them to Tri-County flea market and then we also stopped for some Christmas printer papers, a TV sling for the new TV ?

December 8, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

I woke up this morning at about 5:30 and was feeling wide-awake with an odd, tense feeling in my stomach. I don?t remember if I dreamed anything but there was some Christmas music on the air and the song had to do with missing the loved one at Christmas ? was that you? And Jennifer from work sent me an email that had to do with one of the museums in the city opening a butterfly exhibit. She saw it and sent it to me. Sometimes I think angels send messages through other people and I wonder if these weren?t the signs I was looking for from you?

There are a couple of poems that I saw online that have been bringing me comfort and easing the sting of you not being here. I don?t know who wrote either of these:

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heavens stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music cant compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels voices sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really are'nt apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold, I
t was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I cant count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

The other one goes like this and it seems more like for after Christmas or for people who have been gone longer:

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I had my first Christmas in heaven--
A glorious and wonderful day.
I stood with the saints of the ages
Who found the truth and the way.
I sang with the heavenly choir.
Just think, I joined in to sing,
And oh, what celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!
We sang the glad songs of redemption--
How Jesus to Bethlehem came--
And how they called his name "Jesus,"
That all might be saved through His name.
We sang once again with the angels
The Message they sang that blest morn,
When shepherds first heard the glad story,
That Jesus the Savior was born.
Oh Dear Ones, I wish you had been there!
No Christmas on earth can compare
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in heaven so fair.
You know that I always loved Christmas.
It seemed such a wonderful day
With all my loved ones around me,
The children so happy and gay.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And oh, what a joy it will be
When all my loved ones are with me
To share in the glories I see!
So dear ones on earth, here's my greeting:
Look up til the day dawn appears.
And oh, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond our parting and tears!
author unknown

Oh yeah, and I decided not to go to the Frid show after all. Ya know, I just haven?t felt right about it since you died. I didn?t get what I felt were satisfactory arrangements for Billy and Kristin ? he would be staying alone in the house, and she was going to be with a neighbor. Then, two nights ago, Kristin asked me about it?are you really going? I said yes, but she didn?t say anything and started to cry. She?s really worried about the separation from me. I talked to the school psychologist and she said she was more concerned about Billy being alone, which hadn?t really occurred to me!

Anyway she said that while it would be a good idea for Kristin to get used to me going away now was not a good time to do it because all the arrangements are so fragmentary?Kristin in one place, Billy alone, Heidi with me ? and so I called it off. I know Nancy and the others are disappointed but I felt relieved. I was doing this more for Nancy than for any other reason.

I?m not sure how Heidi feels about it. I know she wanted to go away with me alone and I know I should make time for that but then all of the kids need that.

ARGH?Rich I really still miss you SO much!

9:45 p.m. I especially feel it now, sweetie. I finally broke down and we watched It?s A Wonderful Life and toward the end of the movie, I really began to miss you. I wonder if you know how much you touched our lives, as George Bailey touched the lives of the people around him ? and he ran past a movie theater showing The Bells of St. Mary?s and I thought how much you liked that movie too. I am trying really hard not to fall into a funk again. It?s hard to celebrate Christmas without you, my love.

December 6, 2001
Hi Rich,

I?ve been hit with another malaise?I wasn?t feeling too great this week, crampy in the stomach, got the runs, and when Kristin got the runs, too, I let her stay home Tuesday. Really, she should have gone back to school Wednesday but I let her stay home and then I let her stay home again today. I?m not sure why ? it?s not good for me to miss time from work. There will be less money in the check and we?re going to be spending lots of it soon, but I find I just don?t care.

Is this a part of missing you, or am I submerging those thoughts again? I find that I?m not trying to make myself think of you again ? too painful. I haven?t heard from David since just after Thanksgiving, when his son Glenn was hospitalized because of some kind of infection. This young man is REALLY disabled; he?s got a shunt in head, hydrocephalus and all that, and I?m thinking, do I need this? Eh. I haven?t written back to the other widowers either. The one, I can?t even remember his name now, has written to me a couple of times even though I didn?t answer and so I suppose I?ll have to politely answer him. He told me he?s not working and he gets $45 a month from social security ? very poor. Hmmm?don?t need that shit either. I?m no longer actively looking for a male friend or penpal.

I?ve been writing, more fanfiction stuff. I haven?t gotten started on the mainstream stuff yet. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home and just write write write all day and all night ? but I guess that wouldn?t be good for me or for the kids. Are you still around me? Did you tell me what you thought of my ideas for a story? Come on, you can show up in a dream or appear to me ? please give me some kind of sign, Rich!

Remember ...


Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

by Christina Rossetti, from The Complete Poems (Penguin).

December 4, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Well, this hasn?t been much of a journal so far has it? I?ve gotten out of dealing with feelings again and last night really had a fit of temper directed toward Kristin. I don?t know how or why it happened because it started out with Heidi in a snit (she has her period) and I guess along about 9:30 I mentioned to Kristin that it was her bedtime. She said she wasn?t tired as usual and then we got into how she?s not playing in the holiday concert this year because she?s been up so late that she can?t get up to get on the early morning bus. So Billy and Heidi got on her, like a couple of little parents, one criticizing her for wasting her time and money on the bass and the other saying to me that Dad wouldn?t let her get away with this, why do I let her get away with it? All of that made me really mad ? partly because they were interfering and partly because they?re right ? I?m too soft and they know it. Then I began to feel taken advantage of and that?s when I lost it.

Tsk, tsk?not good. So what was it then? I suppose it was not having you here to back me up to send the kids to bed like I should. Part of it was guilt for being too involved with the computer that Kristin feels she has to be down here with me ? I thought to myself, okay, I have to drag myself away from the damn thing long enough to get her into bed myself?and that means take a half hour to READ to her, spend time with her?and I should spend time with the other two as well! The email can wait, the lists are not that big a deal, and I can always write stories when I want?

So the anger I felt was driven by guilt (my own) and missing you ?

Today Kristin has the runs. She seems to have picked up a stomach virus. She?s had a couple of cups of tea so far?let?s see how she does.

I bought a laptop computer to take with us to Orlando ? NO I am not going to hook it up to the Internet. It?s strictly for keeping an account of our travels and maybe writing some stories in between.

I had an idea for a story about us?
So what do you think, Rich? Do you think you could get a message to me somehow that you like this idea? I?ll try working on it starting today ? maybe it could be that ?Great American Novel? you always thought I could write, huh?

Love you!

Me