December 10, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

It?s 4:35 in the morning, and I?ve been awake for about an hour. Why am I not sleeping on your grandmother?s birthday? Is it because you are not here? Is it because I thought I might hear from you sometime during the hour I lay upstairs, suddenly wide-eyed and unable to drift off again? Is it gas pains?

Later on, I am supposed to go to work?s Christmas party. Now how am I supposed to function when I haven?t had enough sleep? Rich, you used to have insomnia almost all the time ? have I ?caught? it from you somehow? Are you coming to me in my dreams and I just don?t know it, just don?t remember? Ya wanna give me a sign here and let me know if I?m on the right track? I did everything right, I thought?signed off the computer at 10, got the kids into bed, read a chapter of Harry Potter, was turning out the light and trying to sleep by 11:30 ? at at 3:30, I?m wiiiiiiiiide awake. Someone got into bed with me and woke me up but I?m pretty sure that was Kristin, getting into bed ? but where was she? Sleep walking? Going to the bathroom? I don?t know?

Babydoll, this is not easy without you. I miss you. I was irritable yesterday and warned the kids I would be. I took them to Tri-County flea market and then we also stopped for some Christmas printer papers, a TV sling for the new TV ?

December 8, 2001
Good morning, Rich,

I woke up this morning at about 5:30 and was feeling wide-awake with an odd, tense feeling in my stomach. I don?t remember if I dreamed anything but there was some Christmas music on the air and the song had to do with missing the loved one at Christmas ? was that you? And Jennifer from work sent me an email that had to do with one of the museums in the city opening a butterfly exhibit. She saw it and sent it to me. Sometimes I think angels send messages through other people and I wonder if these weren?t the signs I was looking for from you?

There are a couple of poems that I saw online that have been bringing me comfort and easing the sting of you not being here. I don?t know who wrote either of these:

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heavens stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music cant compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels voices sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really are'nt apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold, I
t was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I cant count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

The other one goes like this and it seems more like for after Christmas or for people who have been gone longer:

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I had my first Christmas in heaven--
A glorious and wonderful day.
I stood with the saints of the ages
Who found the truth and the way.
I sang with the heavenly choir.
Just think, I joined in to sing,
And oh, what celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!
We sang the glad songs of redemption--
How Jesus to Bethlehem came--
And how they called his name "Jesus,"
That all might be saved through His name.
We sang once again with the angels
The Message they sang that blest morn,
When shepherds first heard the glad story,
That Jesus the Savior was born.
Oh Dear Ones, I wish you had been there!
No Christmas on earth can compare
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in heaven so fair.
You know that I always loved Christmas.
It seemed such a wonderful day
With all my loved ones around me,
The children so happy and gay.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And oh, what a joy it will be
When all my loved ones are with me
To share in the glories I see!
So dear ones on earth, here's my greeting:
Look up til the day dawn appears.
And oh, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond our parting and tears!
author unknown

Oh yeah, and I decided not to go to the Frid show after all. Ya know, I just haven?t felt right about it since you died. I didn?t get what I felt were satisfactory arrangements for Billy and Kristin ? he would be staying alone in the house, and she was going to be with a neighbor. Then, two nights ago, Kristin asked me about it?are you really going? I said yes, but she didn?t say anything and started to cry. She?s really worried about the separation from me. I talked to the school psychologist and she said she was more concerned about Billy being alone, which hadn?t really occurred to me!

Anyway she said that while it would be a good idea for Kristin to get used to me going away now was not a good time to do it because all the arrangements are so fragmentary?Kristin in one place, Billy alone, Heidi with me ? and so I called it off. I know Nancy and the others are disappointed but I felt relieved. I was doing this more for Nancy than for any other reason.

I?m not sure how Heidi feels about it. I know she wanted to go away with me alone and I know I should make time for that but then all of the kids need that.

ARGH?Rich I really still miss you SO much!

9:45 p.m. I especially feel it now, sweetie. I finally broke down and we watched It?s A Wonderful Life and toward the end of the movie, I really began to miss you. I wonder if you know how much you touched our lives, as George Bailey touched the lives of the people around him ? and he ran past a movie theater showing The Bells of St. Mary?s and I thought how much you liked that movie too. I am trying really hard not to fall into a funk again. It?s hard to celebrate Christmas without you, my love.

December 6, 2001
Hi Rich,

I?ve been hit with another malaise?I wasn?t feeling too great this week, crampy in the stomach, got the runs, and when Kristin got the runs, too, I let her stay home Tuesday. Really, she should have gone back to school Wednesday but I let her stay home and then I let her stay home again today. I?m not sure why ? it?s not good for me to miss time from work. There will be less money in the check and we?re going to be spending lots of it soon, but I find I just don?t care.

Is this a part of missing you, or am I submerging those thoughts again? I find that I?m not trying to make myself think of you again ? too painful. I haven?t heard from David since just after Thanksgiving, when his son Glenn was hospitalized because of some kind of infection. This young man is REALLY disabled; he?s got a shunt in head, hydrocephalus and all that, and I?m thinking, do I need this? Eh. I haven?t written back to the other widowers either. The one, I can?t even remember his name now, has written to me a couple of times even though I didn?t answer and so I suppose I?ll have to politely answer him. He told me he?s not working and he gets $45 a month from social security ? very poor. Hmmm?don?t need that shit either. I?m no longer actively looking for a male friend or penpal.

I?ve been writing, more fanfiction stuff. I haven?t gotten started on the mainstream stuff yet. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home and just write write write all day and all night ? but I guess that wouldn?t be good for me or for the kids. Are you still around me? Did you tell me what you thought of my ideas for a story? Come on, you can show up in a dream or appear to me ? please give me some kind of sign, Rich!

Remember ...


Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

by Christina Rossetti, from The Complete Poems (Penguin).

December 4, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

Well, this hasn?t been much of a journal so far has it? I?ve gotten out of dealing with feelings again and last night really had a fit of temper directed toward Kristin. I don?t know how or why it happened because it started out with Heidi in a snit (she has her period) and I guess along about 9:30 I mentioned to Kristin that it was her bedtime. She said she wasn?t tired as usual and then we got into how she?s not playing in the holiday concert this year because she?s been up so late that she can?t get up to get on the early morning bus. So Billy and Heidi got on her, like a couple of little parents, one criticizing her for wasting her time and money on the bass and the other saying to me that Dad wouldn?t let her get away with this, why do I let her get away with it? All of that made me really mad ? partly because they were interfering and partly because they?re right ? I?m too soft and they know it. Then I began to feel taken advantage of and that?s when I lost it.

Tsk, tsk?not good. So what was it then? I suppose it was not having you here to back me up to send the kids to bed like I should. Part of it was guilt for being too involved with the computer that Kristin feels she has to be down here with me ? I thought to myself, okay, I have to drag myself away from the damn thing long enough to get her into bed myself?and that means take a half hour to READ to her, spend time with her?and I should spend time with the other two as well! The email can wait, the lists are not that big a deal, and I can always write stories when I want?

So the anger I felt was driven by guilt (my own) and missing you ?

Today Kristin has the runs. She seems to have picked up a stomach virus. She?s had a couple of cups of tea so far?let?s see how she does.

I bought a laptop computer to take with us to Orlando ? NO I am not going to hook it up to the Internet. It?s strictly for keeping an account of our travels and maybe writing some stories in between.

I had an idea for a story about us?
So what do you think, Rich? Do you think you could get a message to me somehow that you like this idea? I?ll try working on it starting today ? maybe it could be that ?Great American Novel? you always thought I could write, huh?

Love you!

Me

Dying from a broken heart
Grief's affects

December 2, 2001
Dear Rich,

Another weekend gone like the wind?gee if the whole month goes this way, the holidays will be over with and maybe it won?t be so bad! I?ve been working most of the day on our website, adding pictures and stories and stuff and trying not to think about you. I went to the diner and had brunch/coffee with Robin and Cheryl, and we decided we?d walk together at the mall a couple of times a week?and we?d take the kids with us too. Soon we?ll be going to CT for the Jonathan Frid show, and the weekend after that we?ll be going to Florida.

December 1, 2001
Dear Rich,

?And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another day over ? a new one?s just begun??

It doesn?t feel like Christmas although our radio station is playing the songs. It?s in the mid-sixties outside and you are not here. How can it be Christmas?

November 30, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The last couple of days have been really tough. Last night I took the kids to the mall and we had our Christmas pictures taken. I wanted us to have a family portrait because we hadn?t done one in years, not since 1992 I think, and we hadn?t had Christmas portraits done in years either. The last time we were all together in a picture was at Oma's birthday last December...so hard to believe it's a year already!

And I looked at the proofs and just wanted to cry because their was this big open space where you should have been. How am I supposed to go on like this without you? All of our dreams of retirement, all the things we were going to do together ? all the places we were going to see?Rich, all of that died with you, and my heart is just breaking. I just cried and cired for like two hours last night.

I?m not really looking forward to going away to the Jonathan Frid show or to Orlando or anything else right now. I was telling Nancy that this feels like the Dark Shadows storyline about parallel time. The character goes into this room of the house and it changes and the character is in parallel time,where people look and act the same but things are still very different. I feel like I?m a character that accidentally got trapped into this parallel time world and now there is no way to get back. It?s horrible?

I love you and miss you still, my darling,
Me

November 29, 2001
Rich, I was so sad this morning listening to the radio as I drove to work. Bob Buckman on Q104 started out with a Christmas song but it was sad?I think it came out during the Gulf War but the words went something like?

Bells will be ringing this sad sad tune
Oh what a good time to sing the blues?
My baby?s gone?

Well, that did it. I was crying my eyes out and missing you so much. And here is the comforting part?when I got into the parking garage here, I started to get out of the car still feeling really shitty and then all of a sudden I could swear I smelled your aftershave, the one you used most recently before you died. I thought maybe you were just with me and I did feel better although I really miss you so much.

Do you remember the early years when we made Christmas ornaments together? You were into more of a variety than I was. You did crewel, counted cross stitch and painted ornaments. I just liked painting at that point although I did get into the counted cross stitch later. I guess we must have spent hours together doing that stuff. What happened to that? Did we start to drift away from each other once the kids came? That?s really too bad?that was really special, working together like that. I also remember playing Scrabble with you a lot and backgammon too. I?m sorry we fell away from that ? I guess it must have happened when we began working opposite shifts and had little free time to spend with each other. How sad. I better get away from this before I start bawling again. I?m at work ? this is not the place for it?

Love you,
Me