December 2, 2001
Dear Rich,

Another weekend gone like the wind?gee if the whole month goes this way, the holidays will be over with and maybe it won?t be so bad! I?ve been working most of the day on our website, adding pictures and stories and stuff and trying not to think about you. I went to the diner and had brunch/coffee with Robin and Cheryl, and we decided we?d walk together at the mall a couple of times a week?and we?d take the kids with us too. Soon we?ll be going to CT for the Jonathan Frid show, and the weekend after that we?ll be going to Florida.

December 1, 2001
Dear Rich,

?And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another day over ? a new one?s just begun??

It doesn?t feel like Christmas although our radio station is playing the songs. It?s in the mid-sixties outside and you are not here. How can it be Christmas?

November 30, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The last couple of days have been really tough. Last night I took the kids to the mall and we had our Christmas pictures taken. I wanted us to have a family portrait because we hadn?t done one in years, not since 1992 I think, and we hadn?t had Christmas portraits done in years either. The last time we were all together in a picture was at Oma's birthday last December...so hard to believe it's a year already!

And I looked at the proofs and just wanted to cry because their was this big open space where you should have been. How am I supposed to go on like this without you? All of our dreams of retirement, all the things we were going to do together ? all the places we were going to see?Rich, all of that died with you, and my heart is just breaking. I just cried and cired for like two hours last night.

I?m not really looking forward to going away to the Jonathan Frid show or to Orlando or anything else right now. I was telling Nancy that this feels like the Dark Shadows storyline about parallel time. The character goes into this room of the house and it changes and the character is in parallel time,where people look and act the same but things are still very different. I feel like I?m a character that accidentally got trapped into this parallel time world and now there is no way to get back. It?s horrible?

I love you and miss you still, my darling,
Me

November 29, 2001
Rich, I was so sad this morning listening to the radio as I drove to work. Bob Buckman on Q104 started out with a Christmas song but it was sad?I think it came out during the Gulf War but the words went something like?

Bells will be ringing this sad sad tune
Oh what a good time to sing the blues?
My baby?s gone?

Well, that did it. I was crying my eyes out and missing you so much. And here is the comforting part?when I got into the parking garage here, I started to get out of the car still feeling really shitty and then all of a sudden I could swear I smelled your aftershave, the one you used most recently before you died. I thought maybe you were just with me and I did feel better although I really miss you so much.

Do you remember the early years when we made Christmas ornaments together? You were into more of a variety than I was. You did crewel, counted cross stitch and painted ornaments. I just liked painting at that point although I did get into the counted cross stitch later. I guess we must have spent hours together doing that stuff. What happened to that? Did we start to drift away from each other once the kids came? That?s really too bad?that was really special, working together like that. I also remember playing Scrabble with you a lot and backgammon too. I?m sorry we fell away from that ? I guess it must have happened when we began working opposite shifts and had little free time to spend with each other. How sad. I better get away from this before I start bawling again. I?m at work ? this is not the place for it?

Love you,
Me

November 28, 2001
Hi Sweetie,

Yuk! I?ve been feeling pretty lousy over the last couple of days. I?ve been feeling listless and very sleepy in the afternoons?feel almost like I?m going to pass out if I don?t take a nap. Yesterday I skipped the last meeting of our bereavement group, do you believe that? I just felt too tired and out of it to go ? or maybe I didn?t want to say goodbye .. or maybe I didn?t want to go out with them. Whatever, I just wasn?t in the mood. Joanne Melito called to see what happened and I explained to her that I just felt sick and to tell the group I?m sorry. Later on someone called and asked for me, but I told Billy to say I was asleep. So what is this? Am I depressed? I just didn?t want to be bothered.

I have been thinking about how much I want to write and how much you encouraged me to write a ?real? book. I was chatting in a chat room with Coral and told her I felt bad for goofing off and not trying to write. She said that I have nine angels around me saying that I could write three books in five years. LOL! Imagine that. Well, Angels, you?ve got to start pushing on me really hard to get me off my butt and moving!! I just don?t feel like doing anything at all?:P

Hey, you know what? Still haven?t heard from the Women?s Cottage. Someone bid on a personalized message from David Selby, went up to $300 and that didn?t meet the reserve. So someone told her they were just going to put that item up for bid again. Boy, I think those people are being really presumptuous!

I got a letter from your godmother, Milvi Erickson. It was good to hear from her and I will write her back. I think she?d be a great penpal?

Rich, I am so sad today. My eyes fill up with tears when I hear certain songs. I miss you so much. This is a really rotten time of the year to be without you. ?Tis the season to be jolly ? NOT. I try to be strong and then I hit a wall and fall apart. I don?t even know that I?m feel angry. Maybe there is anger under this deep sadness and loneliness?I miss the ?skin? touch but I miss the touch of souls too. No one knows as much about me as you did?and you probably did not even know everything. I feel empty today, empty and drained.

Happy Thanksgiving 2003
It's much better this year.

Wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving! :)

November 27, 2001
Hi,

You know what happened this morning? I woke up at 5:49 and I thought you were there for just a moment, sleeping beside me. Then I realized that, of course, it was Kristin but I felt such a sense of comfort and peace. I wondered if that was really you lying there with me overnight. One of the widows sent a link around about life after death and I thought it was so cool. It said that life after death is not so different from here except on a different plane and that everyone is happy, filled with joy. Married couples can make love, too, they just don?t have babies. That would be so awesome!

Here?s something else that is wild ? I bid on a personal phone call from David Selby on ebay. The money is supposed to go to The Women?s Cottage and there was a reserve on it that I didn?t meet. I guess they were looking for like a thousand dollars or more because it said in the description you had to verify you had the money if that?s how much you bid and so on. My max was $300. I don?t mind donating to that charity although that is a little high and I did it for the hell of it, fully expecting to be outbid at the last minute. I ended up being the ONLY bidder! I couldn?t believe it and felt a little bad for Selby that NO ONE else bid on the personal call. There were three on the personally recorded message but even that fell short of the reserve.

When a reserve isn?t met then the seller can walk away from the deal. Anyway, I emailed the Women?s Cottage and said look, I am a recent widow with young children. I bid what I could afford, it?s not the reserve, can?t meet the reserve, what do you want to do? And the ball is in THEIR court now?

November 26, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I wanted to tell you that we survived the weekend, and I am relieved to have this anniversary behind us. Yesterday ended up being a mostly nice day because we went to see Oma and Uncle Walter. It wasn?t so great that Heidi caught an attitude while we were there and spent much of the time making it obvious how annoyed and bored she felt. I talked to her about it afterwards?Oma and Uncle Walter love her, and she may find it boring there but they won?t be around forever and she should take more of an interest in the older relatives while she has a chance. Geez, by the time I was 13, most of my grandparents were gone?never mind the great grandparents!

Oma?s been dreaming since 9/11 too. One time she dreamed of dead people marching down the street covered in plaster dust (like maybe they were all from the WTC). Another time she dreamed about your mom, Carol. She dreamed that Carol was a little girl again and had climbed up a tree. She was reaching out for a branch and began to fall. Oma shut her eyes tight because she didn?t want to see. She couldn?t imagine how anyone could survive such a fall but she was hoping that Carol would be all right. It sounded to me like she was working through anxieties and even old unresolved feelings through the dreams.

I talked to them about you and this time they were okay with listening to me. I started to tear up when I was talking about the ornaments and Billy came to put his arm around me. I said to him, ?I?m okay, it?s all right,? and Oma said, to support me, ?It needs to come out.? So I was grateful for that. It seems that Oma didn?t know you?d made some of the ornaments and I said, oh, yes ? do you remember our early Christmases when we made the ornaments together? We had so much fun with them! I?m sorry that most of your stuff got broken along the way ? the manger set, the Christmas villages, the tree, the Santa music box ? well, we let the kids play with the stuff when they were younger. Kids will be kids and everything broke. Who knew you wouldn?t be around now? But I am keeping the other ornaments you made safe. I showed some of them to the kids.

We have a set of angels that I don?t remember having before. Apparently we picked them up from someone?maybe it was your dad? Your mom apparently collected angels. I vaguely remember them now ? they were broken somehow, but I don?t remember how or why it happened. You fixed them all and they look as good as new. The kids unwrapped them and they are out on the corner table now.

I talked to Oma and Uncle Walter about our early courting days, about how I wasn?t really attracted to you in the beginning but how we became good friends. I miss you. I can?t believe I?m going to drive down to Orlando without you. On the one hand I?m excited about going, on the other I?m worried about being bummed out and tired and about bridges and panic attacks. I never dreamed I?d have to drive over a bridge. I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there to drive over them for me. I feel afraid to drive over the bridges?I?m hoping you?ll come and help me out, help me get over the bridges?

Billy had to have a repeat blood test today. His liver enzymes were a little high. The doctor thinks it might be because he?s going through a growth spurt. He had an echo last week Wednesday and I?m just going to assume that it?s all right. But you know what? He?s home again with more diahrea. It started last night, and I suppose it?s possible he picked up another stomach virus. It just seems he?s been getting too much Monday morning flu this year?and Kristin! Trying to get her to go to bed at a reasonable hour when I don?t want to is next to impossible. I can?t have more scenes like I had this morning so I?m going to have to start shutting the computer off at ten and going up to read or something.

We went to see Monsters, Inc. on Saturday. I can?t believe how much money I spent between the movies and the popcorn and the movie wasn?t THAT great. Still it was a good diversion.

I would say, all in all, we successfully got through the whole Thanksgiving weekend with a minimum of trauma. I think that?s the name of the game right now isn?t it?

And today we have a new deaf person in the bookkeeping area?I?ll be here another six months I?m sure. And if I had any doubts at all about the way people feel about me I got invited to the staff holiday party. It?s on Oma?s birthday, December 10th, from 5 to 9 p.m. at a place called Elisa?s Restaurant in N. Bellmore. I?m going to go, what the heck? These people are nice ? I don?t know if they?re going to be bringing their spouses or not but I suppose I?d be all right. I was thinking it would be nice to stop and see your grandmother first?we?ll see how things work out.

And now we move into the seventh month without you, my love?

I still miss you. I wish I could dream about you more often and remember the dreams?

Love you,
Me

November 24, 2001
Hi sweetie,

The worst of the weekend is over. It was rough yesterday, last night, I mean. We cleaned up the house and then Billy went downstairs and brought up all the Christmas boxes. He rearranged the furniture in the living room. He had this one idea that Heidi and I didn?t agree with, and he got frustrated and started to cry and then refused to have anything to do with the tree or anything else. I thought, okay grief is hitting all of us here. I thought his idea was really impractical but I said if he could get it to work, fine?do it. So he totally moved all the pieces of furniture around and it actually looked pretty good. Then he was going to put the TV in front of the window and I said no again?had a good reason, the sun shines in that window. He was okay with that.

He put the tree up by himself and I let him do it. In years past you?d sit there and coach him and encourage him. You told him he was pretty good at opening up the branches so that the tree looked fuller. Well, he didn?t really do that this year and we couldn?t find the trunk part to the tree. Heidi and I could see big gaps where it looked real obvious that the tree was fake and when we pointed it out to him, Billy had another meltdown. Heidi took over and began working with the branches and then Billy began to help but then the two of them began to fight.

I couldn?t handle it anymore. It was too hard with you not being there. I was thinking how much you loved this season and how much you would have enjoyed putting up the tree, decorating it ? maybe we?d make cookies and watch a movie. I started crying, really hard. Then Billy put his arms around me and he was crying too. I felt better after I cried so hard. I mean, I do understand that you aren?t coming back. I am so damn lonely for you, though, sweetheart, especially now?

Today we put all the ornaments onto the tree and it looks really nice. I have a new ornament there for you?one that I ordered from the Irish shop. It?s a sleeping Santa-in-the-moon and I had them personalize it with your name and birthdate. It?s there along with the first ornament I got for you, a little wooden sled with your name on it. I looked at the other ornaments I bought for you over the years and I felt so sad with missing you. There was a Santa in the bathtub with Rudolph because I knew how much you loved to take baths. There was a Santa playing outfielder ? that was because you loved the Mets. There was a blue convertible because you loved old cars?I wanted each of the ornaments to be in the front where I could see them. And then there were the ornaments we made together?in the past you kind of relegated them to the back and bottom of the tree but you know, they mean so much more to me. And then there were all of ?our? ornaments?the egg Bill (your cousin) gave us and the one with our picture on one side and those of the kids on the other ? oh Rich, I do miss you so much, my love.

Tears in my eyes again,
Love you forever,
Me

Coping with Holiday Grief
The best advice I was ever given was to make sure I had plans for the holidays. It's easier to get through the holiday season when you attack it dead-on and figure out how you want to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Dealing with the holidays