November 29, 2001
Rich, I was so sad this morning listening to the radio as I drove to work. Bob Buckman on Q104 started out with a Christmas song but it was sad?I think it came out during the Gulf War but the words went something like?

Bells will be ringing this sad sad tune
Oh what a good time to sing the blues?
My baby?s gone?

Well, that did it. I was crying my eyes out and missing you so much. And here is the comforting part?when I got into the parking garage here, I started to get out of the car still feeling really shitty and then all of a sudden I could swear I smelled your aftershave, the one you used most recently before you died. I thought maybe you were just with me and I did feel better although I really miss you so much.

Do you remember the early years when we made Christmas ornaments together? You were into more of a variety than I was. You did crewel, counted cross stitch and painted ornaments. I just liked painting at that point although I did get into the counted cross stitch later. I guess we must have spent hours together doing that stuff. What happened to that? Did we start to drift away from each other once the kids came? That?s really too bad?that was really special, working together like that. I also remember playing Scrabble with you a lot and backgammon too. I?m sorry we fell away from that ? I guess it must have happened when we began working opposite shifts and had little free time to spend with each other. How sad. I better get away from this before I start bawling again. I?m at work ? this is not the place for it?

Love you,
Me

November 28, 2001
Hi Sweetie,

Yuk! I?ve been feeling pretty lousy over the last couple of days. I?ve been feeling listless and very sleepy in the afternoons?feel almost like I?m going to pass out if I don?t take a nap. Yesterday I skipped the last meeting of our bereavement group, do you believe that? I just felt too tired and out of it to go ? or maybe I didn?t want to say goodbye .. or maybe I didn?t want to go out with them. Whatever, I just wasn?t in the mood. Joanne Melito called to see what happened and I explained to her that I just felt sick and to tell the group I?m sorry. Later on someone called and asked for me, but I told Billy to say I was asleep. So what is this? Am I depressed? I just didn?t want to be bothered.

I have been thinking about how much I want to write and how much you encouraged me to write a ?real? book. I was chatting in a chat room with Coral and told her I felt bad for goofing off and not trying to write. She said that I have nine angels around me saying that I could write three books in five years. LOL! Imagine that. Well, Angels, you?ve got to start pushing on me really hard to get me off my butt and moving!! I just don?t feel like doing anything at all?:P

Hey, you know what? Still haven?t heard from the Women?s Cottage. Someone bid on a personalized message from David Selby, went up to $300 and that didn?t meet the reserve. So someone told her they were just going to put that item up for bid again. Boy, I think those people are being really presumptuous!

I got a letter from your godmother, Milvi Erickson. It was good to hear from her and I will write her back. I think she?d be a great penpal?

Rich, I am so sad today. My eyes fill up with tears when I hear certain songs. I miss you so much. This is a really rotten time of the year to be without you. ?Tis the season to be jolly ? NOT. I try to be strong and then I hit a wall and fall apart. I don?t even know that I?m feel angry. Maybe there is anger under this deep sadness and loneliness?I miss the ?skin? touch but I miss the touch of souls too. No one knows as much about me as you did?and you probably did not even know everything. I feel empty today, empty and drained.

Happy Thanksgiving 2003
It's much better this year.

Wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving! :)

November 27, 2001
Hi,

You know what happened this morning? I woke up at 5:49 and I thought you were there for just a moment, sleeping beside me. Then I realized that, of course, it was Kristin but I felt such a sense of comfort and peace. I wondered if that was really you lying there with me overnight. One of the widows sent a link around about life after death and I thought it was so cool. It said that life after death is not so different from here except on a different plane and that everyone is happy, filled with joy. Married couples can make love, too, they just don?t have babies. That would be so awesome!

Here?s something else that is wild ? I bid on a personal phone call from David Selby on ebay. The money is supposed to go to The Women?s Cottage and there was a reserve on it that I didn?t meet. I guess they were looking for like a thousand dollars or more because it said in the description you had to verify you had the money if that?s how much you bid and so on. My max was $300. I don?t mind donating to that charity although that is a little high and I did it for the hell of it, fully expecting to be outbid at the last minute. I ended up being the ONLY bidder! I couldn?t believe it and felt a little bad for Selby that NO ONE else bid on the personal call. There were three on the personally recorded message but even that fell short of the reserve.

When a reserve isn?t met then the seller can walk away from the deal. Anyway, I emailed the Women?s Cottage and said look, I am a recent widow with young children. I bid what I could afford, it?s not the reserve, can?t meet the reserve, what do you want to do? And the ball is in THEIR court now?

November 26, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I wanted to tell you that we survived the weekend, and I am relieved to have this anniversary behind us. Yesterday ended up being a mostly nice day because we went to see Oma and Uncle Walter. It wasn?t so great that Heidi caught an attitude while we were there and spent much of the time making it obvious how annoyed and bored she felt. I talked to her about it afterwards?Oma and Uncle Walter love her, and she may find it boring there but they won?t be around forever and she should take more of an interest in the older relatives while she has a chance. Geez, by the time I was 13, most of my grandparents were gone?never mind the great grandparents!

Oma?s been dreaming since 9/11 too. One time she dreamed of dead people marching down the street covered in plaster dust (like maybe they were all from the WTC). Another time she dreamed about your mom, Carol. She dreamed that Carol was a little girl again and had climbed up a tree. She was reaching out for a branch and began to fall. Oma shut her eyes tight because she didn?t want to see. She couldn?t imagine how anyone could survive such a fall but she was hoping that Carol would be all right. It sounded to me like she was working through anxieties and even old unresolved feelings through the dreams.

I talked to them about you and this time they were okay with listening to me. I started to tear up when I was talking about the ornaments and Billy came to put his arm around me. I said to him, ?I?m okay, it?s all right,? and Oma said, to support me, ?It needs to come out.? So I was grateful for that. It seems that Oma didn?t know you?d made some of the ornaments and I said, oh, yes ? do you remember our early Christmases when we made the ornaments together? We had so much fun with them! I?m sorry that most of your stuff got broken along the way ? the manger set, the Christmas villages, the tree, the Santa music box ? well, we let the kids play with the stuff when they were younger. Kids will be kids and everything broke. Who knew you wouldn?t be around now? But I am keeping the other ornaments you made safe. I showed some of them to the kids.

We have a set of angels that I don?t remember having before. Apparently we picked them up from someone?maybe it was your dad? Your mom apparently collected angels. I vaguely remember them now ? they were broken somehow, but I don?t remember how or why it happened. You fixed them all and they look as good as new. The kids unwrapped them and they are out on the corner table now.

I talked to Oma and Uncle Walter about our early courting days, about how I wasn?t really attracted to you in the beginning but how we became good friends. I miss you. I can?t believe I?m going to drive down to Orlando without you. On the one hand I?m excited about going, on the other I?m worried about being bummed out and tired and about bridges and panic attacks. I never dreamed I?d have to drive over a bridge. I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there to drive over them for me. I feel afraid to drive over the bridges?I?m hoping you?ll come and help me out, help me get over the bridges?

Billy had to have a repeat blood test today. His liver enzymes were a little high. The doctor thinks it might be because he?s going through a growth spurt. He had an echo last week Wednesday and I?m just going to assume that it?s all right. But you know what? He?s home again with more diahrea. It started last night, and I suppose it?s possible he picked up another stomach virus. It just seems he?s been getting too much Monday morning flu this year?and Kristin! Trying to get her to go to bed at a reasonable hour when I don?t want to is next to impossible. I can?t have more scenes like I had this morning so I?m going to have to start shutting the computer off at ten and going up to read or something.

We went to see Monsters, Inc. on Saturday. I can?t believe how much money I spent between the movies and the popcorn and the movie wasn?t THAT great. Still it was a good diversion.

I would say, all in all, we successfully got through the whole Thanksgiving weekend with a minimum of trauma. I think that?s the name of the game right now isn?t it?

And today we have a new deaf person in the bookkeeping area?I?ll be here another six months I?m sure. And if I had any doubts at all about the way people feel about me I got invited to the staff holiday party. It?s on Oma?s birthday, December 10th, from 5 to 9 p.m. at a place called Elisa?s Restaurant in N. Bellmore. I?m going to go, what the heck? These people are nice ? I don?t know if they?re going to be bringing their spouses or not but I suppose I?d be all right. I was thinking it would be nice to stop and see your grandmother first?we?ll see how things work out.

And now we move into the seventh month without you, my love?

I still miss you. I wish I could dream about you more often and remember the dreams?

Love you,
Me

November 24, 2001
Hi sweetie,

The worst of the weekend is over. It was rough yesterday, last night, I mean. We cleaned up the house and then Billy went downstairs and brought up all the Christmas boxes. He rearranged the furniture in the living room. He had this one idea that Heidi and I didn?t agree with, and he got frustrated and started to cry and then refused to have anything to do with the tree or anything else. I thought, okay grief is hitting all of us here. I thought his idea was really impractical but I said if he could get it to work, fine?do it. So he totally moved all the pieces of furniture around and it actually looked pretty good. Then he was going to put the TV in front of the window and I said no again?had a good reason, the sun shines in that window. He was okay with that.

He put the tree up by himself and I let him do it. In years past you?d sit there and coach him and encourage him. You told him he was pretty good at opening up the branches so that the tree looked fuller. Well, he didn?t really do that this year and we couldn?t find the trunk part to the tree. Heidi and I could see big gaps where it looked real obvious that the tree was fake and when we pointed it out to him, Billy had another meltdown. Heidi took over and began working with the branches and then Billy began to help but then the two of them began to fight.

I couldn?t handle it anymore. It was too hard with you not being there. I was thinking how much you loved this season and how much you would have enjoyed putting up the tree, decorating it ? maybe we?d make cookies and watch a movie. I started crying, really hard. Then Billy put his arms around me and he was crying too. I felt better after I cried so hard. I mean, I do understand that you aren?t coming back. I am so damn lonely for you, though, sweetheart, especially now?

Today we put all the ornaments onto the tree and it looks really nice. I have a new ornament there for you?one that I ordered from the Irish shop. It?s a sleeping Santa-in-the-moon and I had them personalize it with your name and birthdate. It?s there along with the first ornament I got for you, a little wooden sled with your name on it. I looked at the other ornaments I bought for you over the years and I felt so sad with missing you. There was a Santa in the bathtub with Rudolph because I knew how much you loved to take baths. There was a Santa playing outfielder ? that was because you loved the Mets. There was a blue convertible because you loved old cars?I wanted each of the ornaments to be in the front where I could see them. And then there were the ornaments we made together?in the past you kind of relegated them to the back and bottom of the tree but you know, they mean so much more to me. And then there were all of ?our? ornaments?the egg Bill (your cousin) gave us and the one with our picture on one side and those of the kids on the other ? oh Rich, I do miss you so much, my love.

Tears in my eyes again,
Love you forever,
Me

Coping with Holiday Grief
The best advice I was ever given was to make sure I had plans for the holidays. It's easier to get through the holiday season when you attack it dead-on and figure out how you want to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Dealing with the holidays

November 22, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Today is Thanksgiving ? and we managed to get through the day. I brought your apple muffin candle to the table at Carol R?s and I lit it and I sort of felt good to have it there but also felt like we didn?t do enough to recognize that you weren?t there. But I didn?t feel comfortable to continue calling attention to it and so I just lit your candle again when we got home.

I?m glad I made a plan for today. It was a good day. I didn?t feel terribly sad or depressed, just sort of resigned I guess. I called your Aunt Terri last night, talked to your sister for a few minutes today and called Alberta. They were all almost perfunctory calls. I did it to be nice and because you loved your family. They say they all think of me a lot ? but they don?t call. I can understand this from Terri, she?s weak a lot from chemo. Alberta says she sent two books to me about grief. I?ll read them. I hope they help.

Okay, so we slept in this morning because I had trouble falling asleep last night. Carol was running a little behind too because she called and asked to meet us at the movie theatre. We saw ?Harry Potter and the Sorcerer?s Stone?. What an excellent movie!!! I think you would have liked it a LOT. I saw another movie I want to see that opens on my birthday, ?The Lord of the Rings?. I was talking to the kids about going out for dinner and then seeing that movie. There?s a new Jim Carrey movie I think I?d like to see too?

Anyway, Joanne is right?it does help to have a plan. Carol have another friend over Mary Ellen and we had a really nice Thanksgiving dinner, no grace, no big deal over anything, everyone was well behaved, and we had some great conversation.

I?m sorry you weren?t with us ? maybe you were. I?d like to think so, Rich. I really do love you and miss you a lot. It hurts not to have you here but not as much as it would if I?d stayed home.

Love you, my darling,
Me

November 20, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I don?t really feel angry this morning ? for a change. I feel frustrated but that?s more because I?ve been writing and journaling and bits and pieces of it are here at work and other bits and pieces are at home, and I?m trying to keep the whole thing together.

I think I remember you from a dream this morning. I?m sorry I didn?t write it down. I thought about it but many of the images seemed to fade before I could get the paper and pencil. I remember you sitting there talking to me, and you looked healthy and young and you were smiling. The other night?and I thought I wrote about this in a journal entry somewhere but now I can?t FIND it?I woke up around 5:07, it was about the time there was going to be a meteor shower. I think I dreamed we made love?it seemed that way to me, and that I thought I should wake up and wake up the kids to see the meteor shower?but I didn?t. I fell asleep, thinking that Billy set his alarm. He forgot, of course, and we missed it. It?s something you would have loved to have seen! I?ll bet you were watching it, weren?t you? And the dream I had last night, I wonder if that was in response to my question from the other day: are you there? Do you hear me? I think it was to come and say, yes, you are here and you do hear me. Maybe that?s why I don?t feel so angry today.

Heidi was a perfect beast yesterday and I am pretty mad at her. I think part of her problem is she hasn?t been taking the Zoloft like she should. Anyway, the issue remains that the kids refuse to pick up after themselves. It?s really getting on my nerves. The house is a mess, and I refuse to have to pick up after these kids like they?re royalty or something. I mean, they leave their trash lying around and dirty glasses lying out! I don?t think it?s asking too much to make them pick up after themselves. So I?m dumping everything into a box today. And I guess that?s what I?ll do every day. Dump their stuff into one big box. Ugh.

Anyway, Heidi was just perfectly ugly. She was pissed off about having to go to the dr?s office, saying it was a waste of money and that the dr couldn?t help her anyway. Then, in terms of cleaning up, she said she couldn?t understand why I got so upset about the way the place looks, she cleaned YESTERDAY (first of all, no, she didn?t and second of all, the place was a huge mess!) ? and that she wasn?t going to do anything at all until I was nicer to her. I told her if she was going to use blackmail and stuff then I was not going to speak to her.

As she and Billy brought in the groceries, she was screaming and carrying on. Apparently our neighbor on the corner heard and came to ask what was going on because I could hear Billy explaining oh she is just upset about having to clean up or something. I told Heidi, I hope the neighbor calls DSS again. You?re so miserable, you should go live somewhere else. Kristin immediately got upset and I felt bad about saying it but you know what? Heidi is miserable ALL THE TIME. Maybe she really would be better off somewhere else!

Well, I took Heidi?s prescription over to Pathmark and then went out to have Chinese food. I thought to myself: why am I going to come home and cook and these kids are not going to lift a finger to help me with anything? Eh, I?ll get my own dinner. I called home and told them I was going to pick up the medicine and that they should make dinner without me. It was easy enough to prepare, hotdogs, beans and salad. Do you think anyone could do the dishes or the pots and pans though? What is it going to take to get through to these kids?

I had Heidi screaming at me again?and meanwhile, her medicine costs $50 because it?s one of those expensive new drugs. Billy?s new inhaler cost $75. I had to call the drs to find out if there is something else they can substitute. It?s stuff like this that I HATE, Rich!

I was reading this handout Joanne gave the group last week, and it really connected with me. It was written by a woman named Sharon Ohnemus after her husband died. Interestingly enough, she died too about a year later. Anyway, this is what she wrote:

?when I lost my husband, I lost part of myself. During my marriage, I had nearly forgotten who I am, because I was part of ?we?. Now, again, I have had to become whole, in and of myself. No longer are there two pairs of eyes, two pairs of arms, two hearts entwined, two souls enmeshed. Like the painful separation of Siamese twins, there is a critical period after the surgery where survival is questionable?followed by a long period of healing.?

It?s not only becoming whole again ? I am not even the same person I was when we first met. I am not sure WHO I am?just feel that a very essential piece of me is irrevocably gone. I feel bereft. Lonely, sad?what was amputated isn?t there, but it aches.

?When I lost my husband I lost my best friend. Now who will share my secrets? Who is going to like me in spite of my faults? Who will bolster my ego, make me laugh when I?d rather pout or cry, be my sounding board and not tell or get angry? Who?s going to tell it to me straight because I need to be told!?

Do you know that there is NO ONE who knows me as well as you did? And even you didn?t know everything there was to know while you were alive. I was so messed up it was hard to put my trust in someone. I don?t think that I even know all there is to know about me. More later?

November 19, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Part of my problem is not scheduling enough alone/writing time. That makes me angry too. There are so many things I want to write and I keep procrastinating and putting it off and getting into other things. The kids are always around or I decide to take a nap or there?s a doctor?s appointment, this that or the other thing. It?s really ridiculous, as Elfie would say.

I could feel annoyance and anger building up again today and I?m not sure why exactly unless it?s that I?m just not letting go of the resentments and anger I felt from two weeks ago. I am also kinda mad that my free time in the afternoons have been evaporating. :P Heidi is sick today so I have to take her to the dr at 2. On Wednesday I?m supposed to take Billy to the cardiologist at 1:30 or something?and I think I?m supposed to be doing something else on Wednesday afternoon as well. Tuesday I?m supposed to see Joanne. Also need to go grocery shopping and make some dishes for Thanksgiving at Carol?s.

I should set aside at least an hour so I can journal or just work on a story. Remember when I would write stories for hours? Now I spend those hours on the internet?and I need to quit it! I?m toooo addicted to it now and that is one of my regrets that I will always have ? that I didn?t turn off the computer earlier to spend time with you. Now I?m making the same mistake with the kids.

I talked to Steve O again today and he found a place where I can get disability insurance for 60% of my net salary. That is better than nothing I would say because it can work in conjunction with social security disability. The idea is to GET it. I also asked him to check into the New York State Education Fund and told him about my time share vacation plan. He thinks it?s a great idea.

Ha! I should tell this to A?I sent around an email to everyone to tell them about what was happening with Billy. First of all, when she writes back, it?s just to say something like ?nice to hear from you? and then the second email warned me about who I meet on email?some woman almost got killed by an email acquaintance she met at Disney World and blah blah blah they love us and worry about us, especially where three children are concerned?I?m looking at this wondering where the HELL did she get the idea that any email friends were involved? So next time I talk to her I?m going to tell her Steve gave his stamp of approval to this.

I don?t know if I wrote this but David did write back and I wrote back to him. Now the next bit of silence. He has a disabled son, 24 year old, who has hydrocephalus (I?m guessing) and is mentally like a 3 year old. David wrote that he was going to pray for Billy and that he thought Glenn (his son) would need another shunt. I wrote and asked him about Glenn and told him I worked with disabled kids and work with disabled adults and there is always something new to learn about how nice they can be, things like that. Maybe I came off sounding too patronizing. Maybe David is just busy and I?m too paranoid.

I don?t like this making new widower friends, Rich. This really puts me in an awkward position emotionally and I am angry about it. We were supposed to be set for life and then you bailed on me. Now, here I am fat and in my forties, and do I really want to spend whatever time I have left alone? No more hugs, kisses, no more making love? And yet the idea of being with someone is repulsive. So that makes me angrier. You should be here to satisfy my needs!

I?m mad that I didn?t follow my instincts early Sunday morning to wake up. We missed the whole meteor show, that glorious shower that is one of a kind for the century. Billy was supposed to set an alarm at five and apparently he forgot. I woke up at 5:07. I?d had some kind of sexual dream where you were making love to me and then when I woke up I had the urge to wake everyone else up to go outside. Then I thought naaaah, I?ll wait five minutes, I?ll wait for Billy?s alarm to go off ? and I slept until almost 8. I guess it didn?t help that I was up until almost 2 in the morning the night before.

Well, Joanne says I?m supposed to focus on the feelings and every day I?m supposed to get this stuff out rather than just keep a journal. I just feel like I?m saying the same thing over and over. What is there to say? I miss you. I hate it that you?re gone. I?m angry that I?m forced into this new life.

Went on a holiday parade through Farmingdale with Kristin (Girl Scouts) and I realized that we were doing this because you?re gone. Otherwise we?d have skipped the activity. You wouldn?t have been up to it; we would?ve been too busy. That makes me angry too. Why didn?t we make more time for ourselves? Why didn?t we keep in shape so that stuff like this wouldn?t tire us out?

I?m still having trouble getting the kids to listen and help me clean up. Heidi takes this snotty attitude and sometimes so does Billy. "Why are you always angry?" "Why do we always have to clean, clean, clean?" Well, duh, I?m angry because the place is a pig sty and obviously, if we did clean clean clean, it wouldn?t be dirty!!!

I?m angry that I have to go grocery shopping today. I hate it, especially alone. I was so mad about it yesterday I skipped it all together. Didn?t want to deal with it.

I used to go to Party City to fill that ?Get Well? balloon of yours religiously. I think it and Kristin?s two balloons have been flat for at least 2 weeks. I don?t think it?s that I am moving on or forgetting about you, I am just pissed about the whole thing. What?s the use of refilling this balloon? Are you there? Do you hear me?

Just wondering,
Love,
Me


PS I just had a nice Chinese dinner?OUT. The kids won?t clean this house and it is really bad. It looks like a slum dump and I cannot get them to help me pick up THEIR stuff?it?s not even a matter of my stuff. So I took Heidi to the doctor and she had a real ?tude. The doctor thinks she needs to see a counselor, no kidding?maybe a different one if Denise at YES isn?t working out. So I drop her off at home and then go shopping and come in and there is junk everywhere, coats, books, toys, food wrappers, glasses, etc and NO ONE will pick up. Heidi started screaming her head off ? ala the time the neighbors called Social Services. Hey, maybe our nosey neighbor will Social Services again ? I could only be so lucky, right???

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 10:37 AM EST
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