November 27, 2001
Hi,

You know what happened this morning? I woke up at 5:49 and I thought you were there for just a moment, sleeping beside me. Then I realized that, of course, it was Kristin but I felt such a sense of comfort and peace. I wondered if that was really you lying there with me overnight. One of the widows sent a link around about life after death and I thought it was so cool. It said that life after death is not so different from here except on a different plane and that everyone is happy, filled with joy. Married couples can make love, too, they just don?t have babies. That would be so awesome!

Here?s something else that is wild ? I bid on a personal phone call from David Selby on ebay. The money is supposed to go to The Women?s Cottage and there was a reserve on it that I didn?t meet. I guess they were looking for like a thousand dollars or more because it said in the description you had to verify you had the money if that?s how much you bid and so on. My max was $300. I don?t mind donating to that charity although that is a little high and I did it for the hell of it, fully expecting to be outbid at the last minute. I ended up being the ONLY bidder! I couldn?t believe it and felt a little bad for Selby that NO ONE else bid on the personal call. There were three on the personally recorded message but even that fell short of the reserve.

When a reserve isn?t met then the seller can walk away from the deal. Anyway, I emailed the Women?s Cottage and said look, I am a recent widow with young children. I bid what I could afford, it?s not the reserve, can?t meet the reserve, what do you want to do? And the ball is in THEIR court now?

November 26, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I wanted to tell you that we survived the weekend, and I am relieved to have this anniversary behind us. Yesterday ended up being a mostly nice day because we went to see Oma and Uncle Walter. It wasn?t so great that Heidi caught an attitude while we were there and spent much of the time making it obvious how annoyed and bored she felt. I talked to her about it afterwards?Oma and Uncle Walter love her, and she may find it boring there but they won?t be around forever and she should take more of an interest in the older relatives while she has a chance. Geez, by the time I was 13, most of my grandparents were gone?never mind the great grandparents!

Oma?s been dreaming since 9/11 too. One time she dreamed of dead people marching down the street covered in plaster dust (like maybe they were all from the WTC). Another time she dreamed about your mom, Carol. She dreamed that Carol was a little girl again and had climbed up a tree. She was reaching out for a branch and began to fall. Oma shut her eyes tight because she didn?t want to see. She couldn?t imagine how anyone could survive such a fall but she was hoping that Carol would be all right. It sounded to me like she was working through anxieties and even old unresolved feelings through the dreams.

I talked to them about you and this time they were okay with listening to me. I started to tear up when I was talking about the ornaments and Billy came to put his arm around me. I said to him, ?I?m okay, it?s all right,? and Oma said, to support me, ?It needs to come out.? So I was grateful for that. It seems that Oma didn?t know you?d made some of the ornaments and I said, oh, yes ? do you remember our early Christmases when we made the ornaments together? We had so much fun with them! I?m sorry that most of your stuff got broken along the way ? the manger set, the Christmas villages, the tree, the Santa music box ? well, we let the kids play with the stuff when they were younger. Kids will be kids and everything broke. Who knew you wouldn?t be around now? But I am keeping the other ornaments you made safe. I showed some of them to the kids.

We have a set of angels that I don?t remember having before. Apparently we picked them up from someone?maybe it was your dad? Your mom apparently collected angels. I vaguely remember them now ? they were broken somehow, but I don?t remember how or why it happened. You fixed them all and they look as good as new. The kids unwrapped them and they are out on the corner table now.

I talked to Oma and Uncle Walter about our early courting days, about how I wasn?t really attracted to you in the beginning but how we became good friends. I miss you. I can?t believe I?m going to drive down to Orlando without you. On the one hand I?m excited about going, on the other I?m worried about being bummed out and tired and about bridges and panic attacks. I never dreamed I?d have to drive over a bridge. I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there to drive over them for me. I feel afraid to drive over the bridges?I?m hoping you?ll come and help me out, help me get over the bridges?

Billy had to have a repeat blood test today. His liver enzymes were a little high. The doctor thinks it might be because he?s going through a growth spurt. He had an echo last week Wednesday and I?m just going to assume that it?s all right. But you know what? He?s home again with more diahrea. It started last night, and I suppose it?s possible he picked up another stomach virus. It just seems he?s been getting too much Monday morning flu this year?and Kristin! Trying to get her to go to bed at a reasonable hour when I don?t want to is next to impossible. I can?t have more scenes like I had this morning so I?m going to have to start shutting the computer off at ten and going up to read or something.

We went to see Monsters, Inc. on Saturday. I can?t believe how much money I spent between the movies and the popcorn and the movie wasn?t THAT great. Still it was a good diversion.

I would say, all in all, we successfully got through the whole Thanksgiving weekend with a minimum of trauma. I think that?s the name of the game right now isn?t it?

And today we have a new deaf person in the bookkeeping area?I?ll be here another six months I?m sure. And if I had any doubts at all about the way people feel about me I got invited to the staff holiday party. It?s on Oma?s birthday, December 10th, from 5 to 9 p.m. at a place called Elisa?s Restaurant in N. Bellmore. I?m going to go, what the heck? These people are nice ? I don?t know if they?re going to be bringing their spouses or not but I suppose I?d be all right. I was thinking it would be nice to stop and see your grandmother first?we?ll see how things work out.

And now we move into the seventh month without you, my love?

I still miss you. I wish I could dream about you more often and remember the dreams?

Love you,
Me

November 24, 2001
Hi sweetie,

The worst of the weekend is over. It was rough yesterday, last night, I mean. We cleaned up the house and then Billy went downstairs and brought up all the Christmas boxes. He rearranged the furniture in the living room. He had this one idea that Heidi and I didn?t agree with, and he got frustrated and started to cry and then refused to have anything to do with the tree or anything else. I thought, okay grief is hitting all of us here. I thought his idea was really impractical but I said if he could get it to work, fine?do it. So he totally moved all the pieces of furniture around and it actually looked pretty good. Then he was going to put the TV in front of the window and I said no again?had a good reason, the sun shines in that window. He was okay with that.

He put the tree up by himself and I let him do it. In years past you?d sit there and coach him and encourage him. You told him he was pretty good at opening up the branches so that the tree looked fuller. Well, he didn?t really do that this year and we couldn?t find the trunk part to the tree. Heidi and I could see big gaps where it looked real obvious that the tree was fake and when we pointed it out to him, Billy had another meltdown. Heidi took over and began working with the branches and then Billy began to help but then the two of them began to fight.

I couldn?t handle it anymore. It was too hard with you not being there. I was thinking how much you loved this season and how much you would have enjoyed putting up the tree, decorating it ? maybe we?d make cookies and watch a movie. I started crying, really hard. Then Billy put his arms around me and he was crying too. I felt better after I cried so hard. I mean, I do understand that you aren?t coming back. I am so damn lonely for you, though, sweetheart, especially now?

Today we put all the ornaments onto the tree and it looks really nice. I have a new ornament there for you?one that I ordered from the Irish shop. It?s a sleeping Santa-in-the-moon and I had them personalize it with your name and birthdate. It?s there along with the first ornament I got for you, a little wooden sled with your name on it. I looked at the other ornaments I bought for you over the years and I felt so sad with missing you. There was a Santa in the bathtub with Rudolph because I knew how much you loved to take baths. There was a Santa playing outfielder ? that was because you loved the Mets. There was a blue convertible because you loved old cars?I wanted each of the ornaments to be in the front where I could see them. And then there were the ornaments we made together?in the past you kind of relegated them to the back and bottom of the tree but you know, they mean so much more to me. And then there were all of ?our? ornaments?the egg Bill (your cousin) gave us and the one with our picture on one side and those of the kids on the other ? oh Rich, I do miss you so much, my love.

Tears in my eyes again,
Love you forever,
Me

Coping with Holiday Grief
The best advice I was ever given was to make sure I had plans for the holidays. It's easier to get through the holiday season when you attack it dead-on and figure out how you want to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Dealing with the holidays

November 22, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Today is Thanksgiving ? and we managed to get through the day. I brought your apple muffin candle to the table at Carol R?s and I lit it and I sort of felt good to have it there but also felt like we didn?t do enough to recognize that you weren?t there. But I didn?t feel comfortable to continue calling attention to it and so I just lit your candle again when we got home.

I?m glad I made a plan for today. It was a good day. I didn?t feel terribly sad or depressed, just sort of resigned I guess. I called your Aunt Terri last night, talked to your sister for a few minutes today and called Alberta. They were all almost perfunctory calls. I did it to be nice and because you loved your family. They say they all think of me a lot ? but they don?t call. I can understand this from Terri, she?s weak a lot from chemo. Alberta says she sent two books to me about grief. I?ll read them. I hope they help.

Okay, so we slept in this morning because I had trouble falling asleep last night. Carol was running a little behind too because she called and asked to meet us at the movie theatre. We saw ?Harry Potter and the Sorcerer?s Stone?. What an excellent movie!!! I think you would have liked it a LOT. I saw another movie I want to see that opens on my birthday, ?The Lord of the Rings?. I was talking to the kids about going out for dinner and then seeing that movie. There?s a new Jim Carrey movie I think I?d like to see too?

Anyway, Joanne is right?it does help to have a plan. Carol have another friend over Mary Ellen and we had a really nice Thanksgiving dinner, no grace, no big deal over anything, everyone was well behaved, and we had some great conversation.

I?m sorry you weren?t with us ? maybe you were. I?d like to think so, Rich. I really do love you and miss you a lot. It hurts not to have you here but not as much as it would if I?d stayed home.

Love you, my darling,
Me

November 20, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I don?t really feel angry this morning ? for a change. I feel frustrated but that?s more because I?ve been writing and journaling and bits and pieces of it are here at work and other bits and pieces are at home, and I?m trying to keep the whole thing together.

I think I remember you from a dream this morning. I?m sorry I didn?t write it down. I thought about it but many of the images seemed to fade before I could get the paper and pencil. I remember you sitting there talking to me, and you looked healthy and young and you were smiling. The other night?and I thought I wrote about this in a journal entry somewhere but now I can?t FIND it?I woke up around 5:07, it was about the time there was going to be a meteor shower. I think I dreamed we made love?it seemed that way to me, and that I thought I should wake up and wake up the kids to see the meteor shower?but I didn?t. I fell asleep, thinking that Billy set his alarm. He forgot, of course, and we missed it. It?s something you would have loved to have seen! I?ll bet you were watching it, weren?t you? And the dream I had last night, I wonder if that was in response to my question from the other day: are you there? Do you hear me? I think it was to come and say, yes, you are here and you do hear me. Maybe that?s why I don?t feel so angry today.

Heidi was a perfect beast yesterday and I am pretty mad at her. I think part of her problem is she hasn?t been taking the Zoloft like she should. Anyway, the issue remains that the kids refuse to pick up after themselves. It?s really getting on my nerves. The house is a mess, and I refuse to have to pick up after these kids like they?re royalty or something. I mean, they leave their trash lying around and dirty glasses lying out! I don?t think it?s asking too much to make them pick up after themselves. So I?m dumping everything into a box today. And I guess that?s what I?ll do every day. Dump their stuff into one big box. Ugh.

Anyway, Heidi was just perfectly ugly. She was pissed off about having to go to the dr?s office, saying it was a waste of money and that the dr couldn?t help her anyway. Then, in terms of cleaning up, she said she couldn?t understand why I got so upset about the way the place looks, she cleaned YESTERDAY (first of all, no, she didn?t and second of all, the place was a huge mess!) ? and that she wasn?t going to do anything at all until I was nicer to her. I told her if she was going to use blackmail and stuff then I was not going to speak to her.

As she and Billy brought in the groceries, she was screaming and carrying on. Apparently our neighbor on the corner heard and came to ask what was going on because I could hear Billy explaining oh she is just upset about having to clean up or something. I told Heidi, I hope the neighbor calls DSS again. You?re so miserable, you should go live somewhere else. Kristin immediately got upset and I felt bad about saying it but you know what? Heidi is miserable ALL THE TIME. Maybe she really would be better off somewhere else!

Well, I took Heidi?s prescription over to Pathmark and then went out to have Chinese food. I thought to myself: why am I going to come home and cook and these kids are not going to lift a finger to help me with anything? Eh, I?ll get my own dinner. I called home and told them I was going to pick up the medicine and that they should make dinner without me. It was easy enough to prepare, hotdogs, beans and salad. Do you think anyone could do the dishes or the pots and pans though? What is it going to take to get through to these kids?

I had Heidi screaming at me again?and meanwhile, her medicine costs $50 because it?s one of those expensive new drugs. Billy?s new inhaler cost $75. I had to call the drs to find out if there is something else they can substitute. It?s stuff like this that I HATE, Rich!

I was reading this handout Joanne gave the group last week, and it really connected with me. It was written by a woman named Sharon Ohnemus after her husband died. Interestingly enough, she died too about a year later. Anyway, this is what she wrote:

?when I lost my husband, I lost part of myself. During my marriage, I had nearly forgotten who I am, because I was part of ?we?. Now, again, I have had to become whole, in and of myself. No longer are there two pairs of eyes, two pairs of arms, two hearts entwined, two souls enmeshed. Like the painful separation of Siamese twins, there is a critical period after the surgery where survival is questionable?followed by a long period of healing.?

It?s not only becoming whole again ? I am not even the same person I was when we first met. I am not sure WHO I am?just feel that a very essential piece of me is irrevocably gone. I feel bereft. Lonely, sad?what was amputated isn?t there, but it aches.

?When I lost my husband I lost my best friend. Now who will share my secrets? Who is going to like me in spite of my faults? Who will bolster my ego, make me laugh when I?d rather pout or cry, be my sounding board and not tell or get angry? Who?s going to tell it to me straight because I need to be told!?

Do you know that there is NO ONE who knows me as well as you did? And even you didn?t know everything there was to know while you were alive. I was so messed up it was hard to put my trust in someone. I don?t think that I even know all there is to know about me. More later?

November 19, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Part of my problem is not scheduling enough alone/writing time. That makes me angry too. There are so many things I want to write and I keep procrastinating and putting it off and getting into other things. The kids are always around or I decide to take a nap or there?s a doctor?s appointment, this that or the other thing. It?s really ridiculous, as Elfie would say.

I could feel annoyance and anger building up again today and I?m not sure why exactly unless it?s that I?m just not letting go of the resentments and anger I felt from two weeks ago. I am also kinda mad that my free time in the afternoons have been evaporating. :P Heidi is sick today so I have to take her to the dr at 2. On Wednesday I?m supposed to take Billy to the cardiologist at 1:30 or something?and I think I?m supposed to be doing something else on Wednesday afternoon as well. Tuesday I?m supposed to see Joanne. Also need to go grocery shopping and make some dishes for Thanksgiving at Carol?s.

I should set aside at least an hour so I can journal or just work on a story. Remember when I would write stories for hours? Now I spend those hours on the internet?and I need to quit it! I?m toooo addicted to it now and that is one of my regrets that I will always have ? that I didn?t turn off the computer earlier to spend time with you. Now I?m making the same mistake with the kids.

I talked to Steve O again today and he found a place where I can get disability insurance for 60% of my net salary. That is better than nothing I would say because it can work in conjunction with social security disability. The idea is to GET it. I also asked him to check into the New York State Education Fund and told him about my time share vacation plan. He thinks it?s a great idea.

Ha! I should tell this to A?I sent around an email to everyone to tell them about what was happening with Billy. First of all, when she writes back, it?s just to say something like ?nice to hear from you? and then the second email warned me about who I meet on email?some woman almost got killed by an email acquaintance she met at Disney World and blah blah blah they love us and worry about us, especially where three children are concerned?I?m looking at this wondering where the HELL did she get the idea that any email friends were involved? So next time I talk to her I?m going to tell her Steve gave his stamp of approval to this.

I don?t know if I wrote this but David did write back and I wrote back to him. Now the next bit of silence. He has a disabled son, 24 year old, who has hydrocephalus (I?m guessing) and is mentally like a 3 year old. David wrote that he was going to pray for Billy and that he thought Glenn (his son) would need another shunt. I wrote and asked him about Glenn and told him I worked with disabled kids and work with disabled adults and there is always something new to learn about how nice they can be, things like that. Maybe I came off sounding too patronizing. Maybe David is just busy and I?m too paranoid.

I don?t like this making new widower friends, Rich. This really puts me in an awkward position emotionally and I am angry about it. We were supposed to be set for life and then you bailed on me. Now, here I am fat and in my forties, and do I really want to spend whatever time I have left alone? No more hugs, kisses, no more making love? And yet the idea of being with someone is repulsive. So that makes me angrier. You should be here to satisfy my needs!

I?m mad that I didn?t follow my instincts early Sunday morning to wake up. We missed the whole meteor show, that glorious shower that is one of a kind for the century. Billy was supposed to set an alarm at five and apparently he forgot. I woke up at 5:07. I?d had some kind of sexual dream where you were making love to me and then when I woke up I had the urge to wake everyone else up to go outside. Then I thought naaaah, I?ll wait five minutes, I?ll wait for Billy?s alarm to go off ? and I slept until almost 8. I guess it didn?t help that I was up until almost 2 in the morning the night before.

Well, Joanne says I?m supposed to focus on the feelings and every day I?m supposed to get this stuff out rather than just keep a journal. I just feel like I?m saying the same thing over and over. What is there to say? I miss you. I hate it that you?re gone. I?m angry that I?m forced into this new life.

Went on a holiday parade through Farmingdale with Kristin (Girl Scouts) and I realized that we were doing this because you?re gone. Otherwise we?d have skipped the activity. You wouldn?t have been up to it; we would?ve been too busy. That makes me angry too. Why didn?t we make more time for ourselves? Why didn?t we keep in shape so that stuff like this wouldn?t tire us out?

I?m still having trouble getting the kids to listen and help me clean up. Heidi takes this snotty attitude and sometimes so does Billy. "Why are you always angry?" "Why do we always have to clean, clean, clean?" Well, duh, I?m angry because the place is a pig sty and obviously, if we did clean clean clean, it wouldn?t be dirty!!!

I?m angry that I have to go grocery shopping today. I hate it, especially alone. I was so mad about it yesterday I skipped it all together. Didn?t want to deal with it.

I used to go to Party City to fill that ?Get Well? balloon of yours religiously. I think it and Kristin?s two balloons have been flat for at least 2 weeks. I don?t think it?s that I am moving on or forgetting about you, I am just pissed about the whole thing. What?s the use of refilling this balloon? Are you there? Do you hear me?

Just wondering,
Love,
Me


PS I just had a nice Chinese dinner?OUT. The kids won?t clean this house and it is really bad. It looks like a slum dump and I cannot get them to help me pick up THEIR stuff?it?s not even a matter of my stuff. So I took Heidi to the doctor and she had a real ?tude. The doctor thinks she needs to see a counselor, no kidding?maybe a different one if Denise at YES isn?t working out. So I drop her off at home and then go shopping and come in and there is junk everywhere, coats, books, toys, food wrappers, glasses, etc and NO ONE will pick up. Heidi started screaming her head off ? ala the time the neighbors called Social Services. Hey, maybe our nosey neighbor will Social Services again ? I could only be so lucky, right???

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 10:37 AM EST
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November 15, 2001
Dear Rich,

The anger and rage came back this morning, white hot again and burning, so I thought okay when you get to work write about it and maybe you?ll feel better.

You left me with such a mess in some areas and I really resent that. Now the holidays are coming up and more than ever I notice the lack of ANY kind of family ties at all. I shouldn?t be surprised but if you?d been here it wouldn?t have mattered. Now all these old issues are being stirred up and are bubbling and brewing again. It?s just awful.

Who am I angry with? You, for one, for leaving me ? even though you didn?t intend to. God, for not being more involved. I feel like I?m a pawn or something ? let?s see how much bad shit we can dump on this person before she cracks. Yesterday I took Billy to the doctor for a pulmonary function test. He?s at 60-70% ? and that?s NOT good. Dr. Joe changed his meds and now I have to take Billy to see an opthamologist and a cardiologist to rule out Marfans. Dr. Joe also told me that Billy?s thyroid is very enlarged and when I saw Billy without his shirt, I was appalled. He looks like you, a LOT like you and it was scary. Suppose he does have a thyroid condition which has kept him from growing? Well, suppose that masked Marfan? I shouldn?t worry about it but you know what? YOU are not here to help me deal with it!

I am not the same person I was six months ago, and I resent it that people don?t take notice of it ? especially here at work. I don?t want to hear their personal troubles anymore and I sure as hell don?t want to know about the petty politics going on around here.

So if I could throw bricks at someone, I would get a picture of you and throw the first brick at you. I would throw bricks at your father, my parents (I know they never liked you but come on they COULD mention your name once in a letter instead of doing the how are you, we are terrible, here?s what happened to us bit), my brother (who has never called or sent a card or anything), all of the relatives on my dad?s side of the family, except for my cousin Patsy, my cousins Anne and Bob (because when I tell them about my pain they say go see our mom, she?d like that ? well, that?s because my aunt is being a pain in THEIR asses and they?d love to palm her off on someone ? thank you, I can?t handle it right now), the people here at work, Gwen at the interpreter agency (the one who told me I need a man), and some of these deaf clients.

What is it with deaf people? They just don?t GET it. They don?t seem to have any emotional connection at all about what it means to lose someone?unless of course it happens to THEM and then you?d think the world was ending. Oh and I would heave a brick at one more person, that 80 year old widow who published her journal before I got a chance to!

Joanne says the best writers are fueled by anger and rage. You know what? I am also angry at me for not having the discipline to put together a good story. You?re right, I AM a good writer. I just don?t ever do anything about it!

Joanne also felt that I should write about this anger every day. There are pieces to it that come from other places, she says, but she wondered how much of it is anger directed against you. I don?t know ? I didn?t think it was a big piece of it. The trigger, maybe, but it seems to me that you and I were both full of rage anyway, even before you died. I think we both had a lot of unresolved issues and that is why there was so much yelling and screaming in the house. You were no saint and neither am I. We had some pretty ugly arguments. My voice, the angry one, used to make you crazy, you said, and made you blow up at the kids. Well, some of that is bullshit.

We both yelled way too much. We both over-reacted to everything way too much. And somehow we both spoiled the kids so that it?s very hard to get them to help or to go to bed on time or anything. If you thought the house was a mess before, hoo! You should see it now! I am ashamed when people come to the door, like yesterday?our neighbor, Phil, brought Billy two new coats because his winter coat was stolen. And Phil didn?t say anything but I felt mortified at the way the place looked, coats and books and blankets thrown everyway, candy wrappers on the floor, lollypop sticks on the armrests, empty glasses, empty plates lying around?and if I ask the kids to clean up THEY scream. They learned well from us! So I am pissed about that.

I am pissed that now I am thrown into this position of having to start my life over again. I was comfortable with it the way it was with you. I want my life to go on, I would like to meet a nice man ? but marry? Get adjusted to that again? Maybe give up the time I spend on the computer to invest in a new relationship? Dealing with my feelings of insecurity when I look at my fat ugly self in the mirror? Gee, thanks, Rich! Sometimes I think I would rather be alone, rather than take the risk of getting hurt or being left alone again. Other times, I think: I miss sex, I miss being close to someone, I miss the hugs, I miss the male voice. It?s more than just missing you now. It?s becoming a more generalized human need. Man fuck this shit! It really does suck!

P.S. A little less pissed off tonight. I thought about calling Joe from the group ? we all decided we would see each other in a diner or someplace, imagine that! Even more encouraging than that, Joe knows exactly where I work, knows about Gotte?s and nodded when I said hey, next time you?re in the building let?s have coffee. The assignment is ? I?m supposed to call him. I was going to just say hi and then say I?m glad you talked about being vulnerable and mentioned you?d like to be asked out to coffee by a woman?that YOU fear rejection too. That was a BIG surprise to me. Actually the whole session went really well! And not only that ? David began to write again, and I?ve picked up 2 or 3 email friends since then too. The one fellow isn?t very talkative at all, Tom in western New York. Then there is Steve in Albany who has a heart condition and isn?t working. There is also Lee in NJ (I think) ? Steve and Lee are widowers, too.

November 14, 2001
Dear Rich,

The anger in me is so hot it burns and eats and my stomach. I went off like a flaming volcano on Monday. Joanne says anger is a good thing, normal for what I?m going through right now but the way I expressed it wasn?t good. No kidding. Well, you and I have had temper tantrums like these before, just not out in public. It was a sight to behold, let me tell you! And what is a good healthy outlet for all this rage? I guess I?ll have to try different things and see. First is this writing?

And about what happened on Monday ? gradually things have been ?going away? at work. First there was my table. I didn?t mind that too much. I spent most of my time on the computer anyway and so when they needed the room there was no big deal. After that, Joanne (who is a two faced bitch if you ask me) came to me and said that Susan (who is the person in charge of the office) doesn?t like for anyone to drink water from their desks. Now, never mind that Susan herself could have said something and never mind that I had the water UNDER the desk and that I need to drink two quarts a day ? okay, no more water. No more coffee.

Lately, I haven?t wanted to eat with these people. I am angry with them and I?m not exactly sure why. It?s not all of them ? just Joanne and this other lady named Barbara and a few others who just bitch and moan about their husbands and their lives. I tried shutting them out by reading but can?t do that?too much noise. I tried ignoring them. Sometimes I tried to talk to them. I wanted to talk to them about you ? they didn?t want to hear it. The subject would change quickly.

It?s just like with your family ? you know, your family doesn?t talk about you either. Your sister was the only one who even remembered our anniversary. Haven?t heard from your father and Alberta in ages. I suppose it?s MY turn to call? And MY parents, wooo hooo! You?d think these children of ours were conceived immaculately. My mother?s letter will go, hope you are well and by the way here is what is happening to me, blah blah blah blah. There has been NO word from my brother or from my MD relatives. So they can all go to the Devil too, as far as I?m concerned.

Okay, so back to work. I was getting friendly with this one woman, Joanna, but even she gets on my nerves going on about her husband and kids. If it?s not that, it?s the jealousy Hope feels because Joanna got her job and her friend Marcia. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? Both Hope and Joanna want to talk about it ? I have my own shit. LEAVE ME ALONE!

And so I began walking outdoors. While it was warm enough, I?d eat outside too. When it got too cold, I found an empty office I could sit in. Less than a week later, Marcia crammed it full of computers. Great. Now there?s no place to eat lunch. On Monday, a deaf person showed up around 11:30 and by the time she left, it was almost noon. They always ask me to help out and I always say okay. Couldn?t walk, though, it was too late. I started to eat in Gotte?s deli but there were too many clients there. So I went and asked Roz, the receptionist I am friendly with, where I could eat and she suggested Barbara?s office. I ate in Barbara?s office because she out that day (Veterans? Day), and I didn?t like it very much.

I went and got some coffee and came back. I sat in the lobby sipping the coffee and looking at magazines while Roz, Lorraine (the other receptionist) and some other lady talked about a new way of signing in by using a machine to record your handprints. They were outraged. I began snickering and laughing. Imagine being so stingy and cheap you?re gonna use a machine like that ? not buy a time clock, a punch machine, but get this idiotic machine! I thought that was just so hilarious and sad at the same time.

Hope came in and there must have been a look on her face because she said, ?What?s wrong?? and I said, ?My friend died.? She sat down and asked how and before I could even tell her, Lorraine came over and said, ?Ladies, you can?t sit there and have coffee and talk.? That was it. No, we can?t sit and have coffee and talk, can?t have a table to keep my water, can?t have this, no that, but we?ll ask good old Cassie to give up part of her lunch to interpret. I think I said something like you can?t do a fucking thing around here and then left. I was just going to sit in the car and cool off but then I decided nope, I?m out of here for the day, the hell with everyone.

The following day I came in and avoided everyone. And everyone sort of avoided me. Then Joan, the only person there other than Roz who is a widow, asked to talk to me. Of course my temper tantrum was inappropriate. It sure was. She said that the others didn?t understand that anger was part of the grieving process. They think I need to be drugged up or maybe in the booby hatch. Ha! I was THAT mad.

I am still angry. I can feel it churning and sizzling in my belly. I got rid of it at group last night and I unloaded again with Joanne, but still it returns. Why? Why doesn?t it ever go away? I thought all this shit with my parents was resolved. Is it because I am angry that I am trapped, angry that you left me even if you didn?t intend to? Am I angry with God? I won?t go to church ? but that?s been years already.

Okay, so now what do I do with all this rage in me? Joanne says that the best writers are angry. Hey, you always said I was a good writer ? but guess what? Another widow already stole my thunder, publishing a journal she kept after HER husband died. So what now? Try to make up a story with my own characters? Always had trouble getting started there?tell the story of thee and me? That would certainly be INTERESTING if I told the whole truth about us!

It?s getting late ? I should be stopping now and getting ready for bed. Joanne says I should be writing about this anger everyday. Hmmmm?.that should make for quite a read, eh?

You seem so far away. I do love you,
Me

November 12, 2001
Good morning dearest,

The significance of the day just hit me. Today is the official celebration of Veterans? Day. Do you remember that big snowstorm we had on Veterans? Day in 1987? We had a big fight that day. The snow was coming down so hard and you were sick ? you were scheduled to go in to see the doctor in the next day or two and you collapsed in the emergency room at Laurel Hospital on Friday the 13th, 1987 ? anyway, I didn?t want to go to work, and you were mad that I didn?t want to go. I thought the snow was going to get worse and was appalled that the schools weren?t closed. You thought I should go ? we needed the money. I was mad and went outside and started to brush the car off and then you came out and said to come back in, forget it. I refused at first and we were acting like a couple of babies. It?s a good thing I stayed home that day.

What a fiasco it turned out to be! The schools weren?t closed although the snow was coming down heavily. By the time the buses were arriving at the high schools, the school officials realized we were having a major storm and announced the kids would be sent back home. Parents scrambled for daycare. Buses with kids, enroute to the schools, got stuck in the drifts. Parents were going crazy when they couldn?t get into the schools (because the roads were so bad) to get their children. Kids were stranded in the schools overnight with the unfortunate teachers who showed up there! After that, the schools in Maryland would close if a snowflake was in the forecast.

Guess I don?t have to worry about David anymore. I sent him an email and, as Joanne suggested, I told him that I was ?zaftig? but that I was working on it. Joanne said it would be better to find out now what kind of person he is. I haven?t heard from him since. Ha! Well, giving him the benefit of the doubt, it was Veterans? Day weekend and he seemed to be deeply affected by that. I saw two posts by him on the WN board about being a Veteran and his wife was a Veteran, too ? I didn?t respond to him there but I did send him a card. He sent me one back that just said he was giving me a hand salute for Veterans? Day. So it goes ?

I responded to an online ad for a penpal with a guy named Tom who lives near Binghamton, NY. He is single (wonder why he never married?) and he answered me, so I answered him back. Don?t know if anything will come of that, either. I feel guilty about it all, thinking that maybe I?m moving too fast. I decided I only want email friendships although I am desperate for a hug and, yes, sex too. I miss being with you.

Saving the worst news for last today ? my friend Ron died on Friday. Ron is one of the co-writers of the online fanfiction series A New Vintage, which continues the story of the old Falcon Crest series?the one where David Selby played Richard Channing. The executive producer of this new series is a young man who often rubs me the wrong way. I was much closer to the other writers, Nancy and Ron. The three of them were great, very supportive of me when you died and Ron has been a fun email friend?sorta like a kid brother I liked to tease. Anyway, I didn?t know this but apparently he was very overweight like you and as a last measure decided to go in for this radical gastric bypass operation. I had some really strong misgivings when he told me what the surgery was for ? but then, I thought, oh, it?s just the year that?s been so bad. You?re over-reacting. I absolutely could NOT believe it when Jim emailed us on Saturday to let us know that Ron died and burst into tears.

Kristin tried really hard to comfort me, telling me that maybe you were with Ron helping him into heaven. And when I asked aloud, why does this keep happening to good people? Meaning you died too soon, Ron died too soon ? Billy answered, ?Mom, this happens to bad people, too. We just don?t know them.? Smart kid, huh?

Billy refused to go to bereavement group on Thursday night. Everyone was supposed to bring in a memory of their loved one and he procrastinated and didn?t seem to want to go and put it off and finally picked out a pocket knife that belonged to you. When I said I didn?t think that was appropriate and he should choose a picture or something else, he went ballistic and said he wasn?t going to go, didn?t need the group and on and on and on. I talked to Eileen, his counselor, and we?re doing all we can for him. He answers very superficially and denies any emotions ? he?s been like this since he was a child. WHY? And yet his report card is wonderful! He is carrying an 89.2 GPA ? it hasn?t been so good since like 5th grade!

Joanne wants me to write a letter from you back to me. I haven?t done it yet. I?m going to try it today ? I have no idea WHAT will happen.

Love you always,
Me

P.S. Last night the Faith Hill song, ?There You?ll Be? was playing on the radio and once again I thought, we really belong together. I don?t know how long I?ll be around but it?s going to be a long lonely 10, 20, 30 years if that?s what it ends up to be ?