November 22, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Today is Thanksgiving ? and we managed to get through the day. I brought your apple muffin candle to the table at Carol R?s and I lit it and I sort of felt good to have it there but also felt like we didn?t do enough to recognize that you weren?t there. But I didn?t feel comfortable to continue calling attention to it and so I just lit your candle again when we got home.

I?m glad I made a plan for today. It was a good day. I didn?t feel terribly sad or depressed, just sort of resigned I guess. I called your Aunt Terri last night, talked to your sister for a few minutes today and called Alberta. They were all almost perfunctory calls. I did it to be nice and because you loved your family. They say they all think of me a lot ? but they don?t call. I can understand this from Terri, she?s weak a lot from chemo. Alberta says she sent two books to me about grief. I?ll read them. I hope they help.

Okay, so we slept in this morning because I had trouble falling asleep last night. Carol was running a little behind too because she called and asked to meet us at the movie theatre. We saw ?Harry Potter and the Sorcerer?s Stone?. What an excellent movie!!! I think you would have liked it a LOT. I saw another movie I want to see that opens on my birthday, ?The Lord of the Rings?. I was talking to the kids about going out for dinner and then seeing that movie. There?s a new Jim Carrey movie I think I?d like to see too?

Anyway, Joanne is right?it does help to have a plan. Carol have another friend over Mary Ellen and we had a really nice Thanksgiving dinner, no grace, no big deal over anything, everyone was well behaved, and we had some great conversation.

I?m sorry you weren?t with us ? maybe you were. I?d like to think so, Rich. I really do love you and miss you a lot. It hurts not to have you here but not as much as it would if I?d stayed home.

Love you, my darling,
Me

November 20, 2001
Hi sweetie,

I don?t really feel angry this morning ? for a change. I feel frustrated but that?s more because I?ve been writing and journaling and bits and pieces of it are here at work and other bits and pieces are at home, and I?m trying to keep the whole thing together.

I think I remember you from a dream this morning. I?m sorry I didn?t write it down. I thought about it but many of the images seemed to fade before I could get the paper and pencil. I remember you sitting there talking to me, and you looked healthy and young and you were smiling. The other night?and I thought I wrote about this in a journal entry somewhere but now I can?t FIND it?I woke up around 5:07, it was about the time there was going to be a meteor shower. I think I dreamed we made love?it seemed that way to me, and that I thought I should wake up and wake up the kids to see the meteor shower?but I didn?t. I fell asleep, thinking that Billy set his alarm. He forgot, of course, and we missed it. It?s something you would have loved to have seen! I?ll bet you were watching it, weren?t you? And the dream I had last night, I wonder if that was in response to my question from the other day: are you there? Do you hear me? I think it was to come and say, yes, you are here and you do hear me. Maybe that?s why I don?t feel so angry today.

Heidi was a perfect beast yesterday and I am pretty mad at her. I think part of her problem is she hasn?t been taking the Zoloft like she should. Anyway, the issue remains that the kids refuse to pick up after themselves. It?s really getting on my nerves. The house is a mess, and I refuse to have to pick up after these kids like they?re royalty or something. I mean, they leave their trash lying around and dirty glasses lying out! I don?t think it?s asking too much to make them pick up after themselves. So I?m dumping everything into a box today. And I guess that?s what I?ll do every day. Dump their stuff into one big box. Ugh.

Anyway, Heidi was just perfectly ugly. She was pissed off about having to go to the dr?s office, saying it was a waste of money and that the dr couldn?t help her anyway. Then, in terms of cleaning up, she said she couldn?t understand why I got so upset about the way the place looks, she cleaned YESTERDAY (first of all, no, she didn?t and second of all, the place was a huge mess!) ? and that she wasn?t going to do anything at all until I was nicer to her. I told her if she was going to use blackmail and stuff then I was not going to speak to her.

As she and Billy brought in the groceries, she was screaming and carrying on. Apparently our neighbor on the corner heard and came to ask what was going on because I could hear Billy explaining oh she is just upset about having to clean up or something. I told Heidi, I hope the neighbor calls DSS again. You?re so miserable, you should go live somewhere else. Kristin immediately got upset and I felt bad about saying it but you know what? Heidi is miserable ALL THE TIME. Maybe she really would be better off somewhere else!

Well, I took Heidi?s prescription over to Pathmark and then went out to have Chinese food. I thought to myself: why am I going to come home and cook and these kids are not going to lift a finger to help me with anything? Eh, I?ll get my own dinner. I called home and told them I was going to pick up the medicine and that they should make dinner without me. It was easy enough to prepare, hotdogs, beans and salad. Do you think anyone could do the dishes or the pots and pans though? What is it going to take to get through to these kids?

I had Heidi screaming at me again?and meanwhile, her medicine costs $50 because it?s one of those expensive new drugs. Billy?s new inhaler cost $75. I had to call the drs to find out if there is something else they can substitute. It?s stuff like this that I HATE, Rich!

I was reading this handout Joanne gave the group last week, and it really connected with me. It was written by a woman named Sharon Ohnemus after her husband died. Interestingly enough, she died too about a year later. Anyway, this is what she wrote:

?when I lost my husband, I lost part of myself. During my marriage, I had nearly forgotten who I am, because I was part of ?we?. Now, again, I have had to become whole, in and of myself. No longer are there two pairs of eyes, two pairs of arms, two hearts entwined, two souls enmeshed. Like the painful separation of Siamese twins, there is a critical period after the surgery where survival is questionable?followed by a long period of healing.?

It?s not only becoming whole again ? I am not even the same person I was when we first met. I am not sure WHO I am?just feel that a very essential piece of me is irrevocably gone. I feel bereft. Lonely, sad?what was amputated isn?t there, but it aches.

?When I lost my husband I lost my best friend. Now who will share my secrets? Who is going to like me in spite of my faults? Who will bolster my ego, make me laugh when I?d rather pout or cry, be my sounding board and not tell or get angry? Who?s going to tell it to me straight because I need to be told!?

Do you know that there is NO ONE who knows me as well as you did? And even you didn?t know everything there was to know while you were alive. I was so messed up it was hard to put my trust in someone. I don?t think that I even know all there is to know about me. More later?

November 19, 2001
Hi sweetie,

Part of my problem is not scheduling enough alone/writing time. That makes me angry too. There are so many things I want to write and I keep procrastinating and putting it off and getting into other things. The kids are always around or I decide to take a nap or there?s a doctor?s appointment, this that or the other thing. It?s really ridiculous, as Elfie would say.

I could feel annoyance and anger building up again today and I?m not sure why exactly unless it?s that I?m just not letting go of the resentments and anger I felt from two weeks ago. I am also kinda mad that my free time in the afternoons have been evaporating. :P Heidi is sick today so I have to take her to the dr at 2. On Wednesday I?m supposed to take Billy to the cardiologist at 1:30 or something?and I think I?m supposed to be doing something else on Wednesday afternoon as well. Tuesday I?m supposed to see Joanne. Also need to go grocery shopping and make some dishes for Thanksgiving at Carol?s.

I should set aside at least an hour so I can journal or just work on a story. Remember when I would write stories for hours? Now I spend those hours on the internet?and I need to quit it! I?m toooo addicted to it now and that is one of my regrets that I will always have ? that I didn?t turn off the computer earlier to spend time with you. Now I?m making the same mistake with the kids.

I talked to Steve O again today and he found a place where I can get disability insurance for 60% of my net salary. That is better than nothing I would say because it can work in conjunction with social security disability. The idea is to GET it. I also asked him to check into the New York State Education Fund and told him about my time share vacation plan. He thinks it?s a great idea.

Ha! I should tell this to A?I sent around an email to everyone to tell them about what was happening with Billy. First of all, when she writes back, it?s just to say something like ?nice to hear from you? and then the second email warned me about who I meet on email?some woman almost got killed by an email acquaintance she met at Disney World and blah blah blah they love us and worry about us, especially where three children are concerned?I?m looking at this wondering where the HELL did she get the idea that any email friends were involved? So next time I talk to her I?m going to tell her Steve gave his stamp of approval to this.

I don?t know if I wrote this but David did write back and I wrote back to him. Now the next bit of silence. He has a disabled son, 24 year old, who has hydrocephalus (I?m guessing) and is mentally like a 3 year old. David wrote that he was going to pray for Billy and that he thought Glenn (his son) would need another shunt. I wrote and asked him about Glenn and told him I worked with disabled kids and work with disabled adults and there is always something new to learn about how nice they can be, things like that. Maybe I came off sounding too patronizing. Maybe David is just busy and I?m too paranoid.

I don?t like this making new widower friends, Rich. This really puts me in an awkward position emotionally and I am angry about it. We were supposed to be set for life and then you bailed on me. Now, here I am fat and in my forties, and do I really want to spend whatever time I have left alone? No more hugs, kisses, no more making love? And yet the idea of being with someone is repulsive. So that makes me angrier. You should be here to satisfy my needs!

I?m mad that I didn?t follow my instincts early Sunday morning to wake up. We missed the whole meteor show, that glorious shower that is one of a kind for the century. Billy was supposed to set an alarm at five and apparently he forgot. I woke up at 5:07. I?d had some kind of sexual dream where you were making love to me and then when I woke up I had the urge to wake everyone else up to go outside. Then I thought naaaah, I?ll wait five minutes, I?ll wait for Billy?s alarm to go off ? and I slept until almost 8. I guess it didn?t help that I was up until almost 2 in the morning the night before.

Well, Joanne says I?m supposed to focus on the feelings and every day I?m supposed to get this stuff out rather than just keep a journal. I just feel like I?m saying the same thing over and over. What is there to say? I miss you. I hate it that you?re gone. I?m angry that I?m forced into this new life.

Went on a holiday parade through Farmingdale with Kristin (Girl Scouts) and I realized that we were doing this because you?re gone. Otherwise we?d have skipped the activity. You wouldn?t have been up to it; we would?ve been too busy. That makes me angry too. Why didn?t we make more time for ourselves? Why didn?t we keep in shape so that stuff like this wouldn?t tire us out?

I?m still having trouble getting the kids to listen and help me clean up. Heidi takes this snotty attitude and sometimes so does Billy. "Why are you always angry?" "Why do we always have to clean, clean, clean?" Well, duh, I?m angry because the place is a pig sty and obviously, if we did clean clean clean, it wouldn?t be dirty!!!

I?m angry that I have to go grocery shopping today. I hate it, especially alone. I was so mad about it yesterday I skipped it all together. Didn?t want to deal with it.

I used to go to Party City to fill that ?Get Well? balloon of yours religiously. I think it and Kristin?s two balloons have been flat for at least 2 weeks. I don?t think it?s that I am moving on or forgetting about you, I am just pissed about the whole thing. What?s the use of refilling this balloon? Are you there? Do you hear me?

Just wondering,
Love,
Me


PS I just had a nice Chinese dinner?OUT. The kids won?t clean this house and it is really bad. It looks like a slum dump and I cannot get them to help me pick up THEIR stuff?it?s not even a matter of my stuff. So I took Heidi to the doctor and she had a real ?tude. The doctor thinks she needs to see a counselor, no kidding?maybe a different one if Denise at YES isn?t working out. So I drop her off at home and then go shopping and come in and there is junk everywhere, coats, books, toys, food wrappers, glasses, etc and NO ONE will pick up. Heidi started screaming her head off ? ala the time the neighbors called Social Services. Hey, maybe our nosey neighbor will Social Services again ? I could only be so lucky, right???

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 10:37 AM EST
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November 15, 2001
Dear Rich,

The anger and rage came back this morning, white hot again and burning, so I thought okay when you get to work write about it and maybe you?ll feel better.

You left me with such a mess in some areas and I really resent that. Now the holidays are coming up and more than ever I notice the lack of ANY kind of family ties at all. I shouldn?t be surprised but if you?d been here it wouldn?t have mattered. Now all these old issues are being stirred up and are bubbling and brewing again. It?s just awful.

Who am I angry with? You, for one, for leaving me ? even though you didn?t intend to. God, for not being more involved. I feel like I?m a pawn or something ? let?s see how much bad shit we can dump on this person before she cracks. Yesterday I took Billy to the doctor for a pulmonary function test. He?s at 60-70% ? and that?s NOT good. Dr. Joe changed his meds and now I have to take Billy to see an opthamologist and a cardiologist to rule out Marfans. Dr. Joe also told me that Billy?s thyroid is very enlarged and when I saw Billy without his shirt, I was appalled. He looks like you, a LOT like you and it was scary. Suppose he does have a thyroid condition which has kept him from growing? Well, suppose that masked Marfan? I shouldn?t worry about it but you know what? YOU are not here to help me deal with it!

I am not the same person I was six months ago, and I resent it that people don?t take notice of it ? especially here at work. I don?t want to hear their personal troubles anymore and I sure as hell don?t want to know about the petty politics going on around here.

So if I could throw bricks at someone, I would get a picture of you and throw the first brick at you. I would throw bricks at your father, my parents (I know they never liked you but come on they COULD mention your name once in a letter instead of doing the how are you, we are terrible, here?s what happened to us bit), my brother (who has never called or sent a card or anything), all of the relatives on my dad?s side of the family, except for my cousin Patsy, my cousins Anne and Bob (because when I tell them about my pain they say go see our mom, she?d like that ? well, that?s because my aunt is being a pain in THEIR asses and they?d love to palm her off on someone ? thank you, I can?t handle it right now), the people here at work, Gwen at the interpreter agency (the one who told me I need a man), and some of these deaf clients.

What is it with deaf people? They just don?t GET it. They don?t seem to have any emotional connection at all about what it means to lose someone?unless of course it happens to THEM and then you?d think the world was ending. Oh and I would heave a brick at one more person, that 80 year old widow who published her journal before I got a chance to!

Joanne says the best writers are fueled by anger and rage. You know what? I am also angry at me for not having the discipline to put together a good story. You?re right, I AM a good writer. I just don?t ever do anything about it!

Joanne also felt that I should write about this anger every day. There are pieces to it that come from other places, she says, but she wondered how much of it is anger directed against you. I don?t know ? I didn?t think it was a big piece of it. The trigger, maybe, but it seems to me that you and I were both full of rage anyway, even before you died. I think we both had a lot of unresolved issues and that is why there was so much yelling and screaming in the house. You were no saint and neither am I. We had some pretty ugly arguments. My voice, the angry one, used to make you crazy, you said, and made you blow up at the kids. Well, some of that is bullshit.

We both yelled way too much. We both over-reacted to everything way too much. And somehow we both spoiled the kids so that it?s very hard to get them to help or to go to bed on time or anything. If you thought the house was a mess before, hoo! You should see it now! I am ashamed when people come to the door, like yesterday?our neighbor, Phil, brought Billy two new coats because his winter coat was stolen. And Phil didn?t say anything but I felt mortified at the way the place looked, coats and books and blankets thrown everyway, candy wrappers on the floor, lollypop sticks on the armrests, empty glasses, empty plates lying around?and if I ask the kids to clean up THEY scream. They learned well from us! So I am pissed about that.

I am pissed that now I am thrown into this position of having to start my life over again. I was comfortable with it the way it was with you. I want my life to go on, I would like to meet a nice man ? but marry? Get adjusted to that again? Maybe give up the time I spend on the computer to invest in a new relationship? Dealing with my feelings of insecurity when I look at my fat ugly self in the mirror? Gee, thanks, Rich! Sometimes I think I would rather be alone, rather than take the risk of getting hurt or being left alone again. Other times, I think: I miss sex, I miss being close to someone, I miss the hugs, I miss the male voice. It?s more than just missing you now. It?s becoming a more generalized human need. Man fuck this shit! It really does suck!

P.S. A little less pissed off tonight. I thought about calling Joe from the group ? we all decided we would see each other in a diner or someplace, imagine that! Even more encouraging than that, Joe knows exactly where I work, knows about Gotte?s and nodded when I said hey, next time you?re in the building let?s have coffee. The assignment is ? I?m supposed to call him. I was going to just say hi and then say I?m glad you talked about being vulnerable and mentioned you?d like to be asked out to coffee by a woman?that YOU fear rejection too. That was a BIG surprise to me. Actually the whole session went really well! And not only that ? David began to write again, and I?ve picked up 2 or 3 email friends since then too. The one fellow isn?t very talkative at all, Tom in western New York. Then there is Steve in Albany who has a heart condition and isn?t working. There is also Lee in NJ (I think) ? Steve and Lee are widowers, too.

November 14, 2001
Dear Rich,

The anger in me is so hot it burns and eats and my stomach. I went off like a flaming volcano on Monday. Joanne says anger is a good thing, normal for what I?m going through right now but the way I expressed it wasn?t good. No kidding. Well, you and I have had temper tantrums like these before, just not out in public. It was a sight to behold, let me tell you! And what is a good healthy outlet for all this rage? I guess I?ll have to try different things and see. First is this writing?

And about what happened on Monday ? gradually things have been ?going away? at work. First there was my table. I didn?t mind that too much. I spent most of my time on the computer anyway and so when they needed the room there was no big deal. After that, Joanne (who is a two faced bitch if you ask me) came to me and said that Susan (who is the person in charge of the office) doesn?t like for anyone to drink water from their desks. Now, never mind that Susan herself could have said something and never mind that I had the water UNDER the desk and that I need to drink two quarts a day ? okay, no more water. No more coffee.

Lately, I haven?t wanted to eat with these people. I am angry with them and I?m not exactly sure why. It?s not all of them ? just Joanne and this other lady named Barbara and a few others who just bitch and moan about their husbands and their lives. I tried shutting them out by reading but can?t do that?too much noise. I tried ignoring them. Sometimes I tried to talk to them. I wanted to talk to them about you ? they didn?t want to hear it. The subject would change quickly.

It?s just like with your family ? you know, your family doesn?t talk about you either. Your sister was the only one who even remembered our anniversary. Haven?t heard from your father and Alberta in ages. I suppose it?s MY turn to call? And MY parents, wooo hooo! You?d think these children of ours were conceived immaculately. My mother?s letter will go, hope you are well and by the way here is what is happening to me, blah blah blah blah. There has been NO word from my brother or from my MD relatives. So they can all go to the Devil too, as far as I?m concerned.

Okay, so back to work. I was getting friendly with this one woman, Joanna, but even she gets on my nerves going on about her husband and kids. If it?s not that, it?s the jealousy Hope feels because Joanna got her job and her friend Marcia. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? Both Hope and Joanna want to talk about it ? I have my own shit. LEAVE ME ALONE!

And so I began walking outdoors. While it was warm enough, I?d eat outside too. When it got too cold, I found an empty office I could sit in. Less than a week later, Marcia crammed it full of computers. Great. Now there?s no place to eat lunch. On Monday, a deaf person showed up around 11:30 and by the time she left, it was almost noon. They always ask me to help out and I always say okay. Couldn?t walk, though, it was too late. I started to eat in Gotte?s deli but there were too many clients there. So I went and asked Roz, the receptionist I am friendly with, where I could eat and she suggested Barbara?s office. I ate in Barbara?s office because she out that day (Veterans? Day), and I didn?t like it very much.

I went and got some coffee and came back. I sat in the lobby sipping the coffee and looking at magazines while Roz, Lorraine (the other receptionist) and some other lady talked about a new way of signing in by using a machine to record your handprints. They were outraged. I began snickering and laughing. Imagine being so stingy and cheap you?re gonna use a machine like that ? not buy a time clock, a punch machine, but get this idiotic machine! I thought that was just so hilarious and sad at the same time.

Hope came in and there must have been a look on her face because she said, ?What?s wrong?? and I said, ?My friend died.? She sat down and asked how and before I could even tell her, Lorraine came over and said, ?Ladies, you can?t sit there and have coffee and talk.? That was it. No, we can?t sit and have coffee and talk, can?t have a table to keep my water, can?t have this, no that, but we?ll ask good old Cassie to give up part of her lunch to interpret. I think I said something like you can?t do a fucking thing around here and then left. I was just going to sit in the car and cool off but then I decided nope, I?m out of here for the day, the hell with everyone.

The following day I came in and avoided everyone. And everyone sort of avoided me. Then Joan, the only person there other than Roz who is a widow, asked to talk to me. Of course my temper tantrum was inappropriate. It sure was. She said that the others didn?t understand that anger was part of the grieving process. They think I need to be drugged up or maybe in the booby hatch. Ha! I was THAT mad.

I am still angry. I can feel it churning and sizzling in my belly. I got rid of it at group last night and I unloaded again with Joanne, but still it returns. Why? Why doesn?t it ever go away? I thought all this shit with my parents was resolved. Is it because I am angry that I am trapped, angry that you left me even if you didn?t intend to? Am I angry with God? I won?t go to church ? but that?s been years already.

Okay, so now what do I do with all this rage in me? Joanne says that the best writers are angry. Hey, you always said I was a good writer ? but guess what? Another widow already stole my thunder, publishing a journal she kept after HER husband died. So what now? Try to make up a story with my own characters? Always had trouble getting started there?tell the story of thee and me? That would certainly be INTERESTING if I told the whole truth about us!

It?s getting late ? I should be stopping now and getting ready for bed. Joanne says I should be writing about this anger everyday. Hmmmm?.that should make for quite a read, eh?

You seem so far away. I do love you,
Me

November 12, 2001
Good morning dearest,

The significance of the day just hit me. Today is the official celebration of Veterans? Day. Do you remember that big snowstorm we had on Veterans? Day in 1987? We had a big fight that day. The snow was coming down so hard and you were sick ? you were scheduled to go in to see the doctor in the next day or two and you collapsed in the emergency room at Laurel Hospital on Friday the 13th, 1987 ? anyway, I didn?t want to go to work, and you were mad that I didn?t want to go. I thought the snow was going to get worse and was appalled that the schools weren?t closed. You thought I should go ? we needed the money. I was mad and went outside and started to brush the car off and then you came out and said to come back in, forget it. I refused at first and we were acting like a couple of babies. It?s a good thing I stayed home that day.

What a fiasco it turned out to be! The schools weren?t closed although the snow was coming down heavily. By the time the buses were arriving at the high schools, the school officials realized we were having a major storm and announced the kids would be sent back home. Parents scrambled for daycare. Buses with kids, enroute to the schools, got stuck in the drifts. Parents were going crazy when they couldn?t get into the schools (because the roads were so bad) to get their children. Kids were stranded in the schools overnight with the unfortunate teachers who showed up there! After that, the schools in Maryland would close if a snowflake was in the forecast.

Guess I don?t have to worry about David anymore. I sent him an email and, as Joanne suggested, I told him that I was ?zaftig? but that I was working on it. Joanne said it would be better to find out now what kind of person he is. I haven?t heard from him since. Ha! Well, giving him the benefit of the doubt, it was Veterans? Day weekend and he seemed to be deeply affected by that. I saw two posts by him on the WN board about being a Veteran and his wife was a Veteran, too ? I didn?t respond to him there but I did send him a card. He sent me one back that just said he was giving me a hand salute for Veterans? Day. So it goes ?

I responded to an online ad for a penpal with a guy named Tom who lives near Binghamton, NY. He is single (wonder why he never married?) and he answered me, so I answered him back. Don?t know if anything will come of that, either. I feel guilty about it all, thinking that maybe I?m moving too fast. I decided I only want email friendships although I am desperate for a hug and, yes, sex too. I miss being with you.

Saving the worst news for last today ? my friend Ron died on Friday. Ron is one of the co-writers of the online fanfiction series A New Vintage, which continues the story of the old Falcon Crest series?the one where David Selby played Richard Channing. The executive producer of this new series is a young man who often rubs me the wrong way. I was much closer to the other writers, Nancy and Ron. The three of them were great, very supportive of me when you died and Ron has been a fun email friend?sorta like a kid brother I liked to tease. Anyway, I didn?t know this but apparently he was very overweight like you and as a last measure decided to go in for this radical gastric bypass operation. I had some really strong misgivings when he told me what the surgery was for ? but then, I thought, oh, it?s just the year that?s been so bad. You?re over-reacting. I absolutely could NOT believe it when Jim emailed us on Saturday to let us know that Ron died and burst into tears.

Kristin tried really hard to comfort me, telling me that maybe you were with Ron helping him into heaven. And when I asked aloud, why does this keep happening to good people? Meaning you died too soon, Ron died too soon ? Billy answered, ?Mom, this happens to bad people, too. We just don?t know them.? Smart kid, huh?

Billy refused to go to bereavement group on Thursday night. Everyone was supposed to bring in a memory of their loved one and he procrastinated and didn?t seem to want to go and put it off and finally picked out a pocket knife that belonged to you. When I said I didn?t think that was appropriate and he should choose a picture or something else, he went ballistic and said he wasn?t going to go, didn?t need the group and on and on and on. I talked to Eileen, his counselor, and we?re doing all we can for him. He answers very superficially and denies any emotions ? he?s been like this since he was a child. WHY? And yet his report card is wonderful! He is carrying an 89.2 GPA ? it hasn?t been so good since like 5th grade!

Joanne wants me to write a letter from you back to me. I haven?t done it yet. I?m going to try it today ? I have no idea WHAT will happen.

Love you always,
Me

P.S. Last night the Faith Hill song, ?There You?ll Be? was playing on the radio and once again I thought, we really belong together. I don?t know how long I?ll be around but it?s going to be a long lonely 10, 20, 30 years if that?s what it ends up to be ?

I Wish You Enough
"I wish you enough!"?
By Bob Perks

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."

She said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral, " he said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"

He smiled. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough 'Hello's' to get you through the final 'Good-bye.'
He then began to sob and walked away.

My friends, I wish you enough!

November 7, 2001
Hi sweetie,

My bereavement therapist, Joanne, wants me to try something different this week. I am sure I?m going to need your help with this. She wants to me sit and just ?be? with you for a while and then she wants me to write a letter from you to me. She said, just try it and see what happens. Well I have a week ?

I told Joanne all about what I wrote you yesterday and I began to cry, hard. It really helps to do that there. I don?t seem to be able to do it anywhere else as well. There always seems to be other people around and that hinders me. I always feel like I have to cut it short or something. I also told Joanne that I was angry here at work and she said that they were reaching out from concern and that if I kept pushing them away then eventually they would leave me alone when I do want to talk.

You know what, though? I don?t care ? I feel alienated, a ?stranger in a strange land? and so I don?t care whether they ever talk to me or not. Just give me my paycheck. I?m still taking walks and eating alone when I get back. I don?t plan to stop cuz I can?t stand the whining, complaining and then the holiday planning.

We talked a little bit about David. I told Joanne great, David is 5?10? and 140 pounds, neat and trim. She said I could be honest with him and tell him I?m weighing more than I?d like to (what an understatement!) and that I?m working on losing weight (that?s true). So ? I wrote David last night and said I am 5?5? and ?zaftig?. He lives in Minnesota, he?ll understand what that means. Now I?ll get to see what kind of friend he really is.

Joanne had another great idea about the Orlando trip that I am kicking around in my head, and that is: drive down. Stay Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my parents (ACK!) and then maybe stop and see John in South Carolina or Janet in West Virginia. Stop and see Edith and Jeff in Atlanta, then go to Orlando, stay our five nights and then head back up.

I was just now looking at the calendar and hinking: hmmm, actually we could drive down to Maryland on Friday, Dec 21, stay Friday night and Saturday, leave Sunday for maybe S. Carolina or Georgia, stay through Christmas, go to Orlando on the 26th, stay there until the 30th, go back to Georgia for New Year?s Eve, drive back up on New Year?s Day? maybe the kids would miss one or two days of school if we got back on Jan 2nd or 3rd.

I was thinking to myself that you probably would take that option, as opposed to flying. It?ll save us almost $600 in airfare plus transportation to and from the airport, car rental, and all that stuff? so I?m seriously considering it. Would you please give me a sign and let me know that this is a good idea? Please ? something that I would recognize as just coming from you?

Oh and then I got together with that little group. I?m liking them less and less except for Joanne M, the social worker leading the group. She?s not the same Joanne I see individually. Anyway, it started out okay. John came in, greeted me and said I looked teary which was actually okay. I said yes, and then Kathy came in and we talked for a little while. I found out that John is kind of like a Felix. He irons everything, even his tee shirts! He got rid of his Labrador retriever as soon as his wife, Doreen, died because the dog sheds and he is allergic. Then Joe arrived and we started talking.

Kathy wanted to know if we were stressed about the holidays. John says he?s never stressed anymore. Joe says he?s not stressed about the holidays either. I said I?m okay now that I?ve made my plans?and I?m not dwelling on it. Joe was thinking of taking a trip to the Bahamas, John is going to his brother?s upstate, and I?m going to Carol Ricena?s house (she?s another widow, Kristin?s scout leader). Kathy is going to her in-laws and she seems VERY uptight although she says she wants to do this.

We did some relaxation techniques and Joanne had this meditation tape she wanted us to try. She asked if we wanted to and I said sure, why not? And the others sat there and kind of looked at each other and then shrugged noncommittally. I?m going to try this deep breathing three times a day. Maybe it?ll help me get in touch with you.

Afterwards, as we were closing for the evening, I told the other three about the hoped-for get-together at a diner. I said, if you guys would like to join us let me know and I?ll tell you when we?re getting together. Well, the three of them looked at me like I?d lost my mind or something. I said, meeting at a diner is neutral, non-threatening.

?What are you going to do?? Kathy asked. And I said, just talk. Not gloom and doom and wail and cry, maybe we?ll actually have some fun. And I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were NOT into this at all. And Joanne said again that a home assignment for week 7 (this is week 5, I guess) is that we call each other to see how we?re doing. They didn?t look all that thrilled about THAT either? maybe it?s me.

I?d told Joanne A (the bereavement therapist) that I felt slighted that Joe and John were always approaching Kathy after the meeting, walking to her car ? nobody even says goodnight to me. :P Same thing last night. Kathy and I started to walk out together but then Joe came over asking did she want to follow him home and off she went, neither said good night to me.

The hell with YOU people, I thought.

I love you and I miss you so much, especially now,
Love,
Me

November 6, 2001
Hi Rich,

I didn?t sleep long enough again. It?s not that I don?t sleep deeply once I do fall asleep, it?s that I am staying up way too late and then when I get to bed and to sleep it?s after midnight. I get up in the morning to make lunch for the girls?I took that responsibility away from Billy. I don?t know how you?d feel about that but it seems to me he has enough to do to get ready on his own and he?s been doing a fine job of it.

The bad part is that with my staying up late, the kids do too. I?m surprised Kristin can function at all. She won?t go to bed without me and I SHOULD get off the computer and go up with her at ten but I haven?t been able to. I am going to try and get off earlier tonight and get us all into bed at a reasonable hour. Luckily the kids have off for election day.

Last night I went into the Mediums room again and was with C and tnova and some of the other really nice psychic people I?ve met since I wrote to C. T has been having a fireman appear to her for the longest time and last night they finally located a friend he could talk to. Apparently, there was a group of firefighters in the WTC together and this particular one was carrying a woman out when the building came down and they?ve been wanting to contact their families to let them know that they are all right. It was so moving. Then there was a young woman who came through and she wanted to let her family know she was okay, they are having a hard time of it. I remembered there was a graphics arts student at work who lost a cousin at the WTC and they kept going to the city, searching for her.

I asked the two teachers if there is a student here named Janine and they said yes, and I made up a story about a dream I had and they STILL looked at me like I was nuts. It figures. This girl, Janine, isn?t here today.

That song ?Across the Universe? keeps playing through my head. It won?t stop. What does it mean?

How can I get you to communicate with me? I still want to know how you ended up on the floor. I miss you so much, I miss your voice and especially the hugs, the physical contact, the ?skin touching? or whatever it is the WN people call it. I think that?s what makes me reach out to people over the Net that I would not normally correspond with. I am so damn lonely.

I was at the parent-teacher conferences at the high school last night, for Heidi. She is doing so well, she?s got a solid B. I am proud of her and I know you would be, too. I think she will be too hard on herself, dissatisfied because she doesn?t have A?s. The material she is learning is challenging and particularly for the Earth Science, the B she has is very respectable! It?s a Regents class, which is Honors of a sort. I wanted so badly to tell you and it hurt so much to see the other couples walking around talking to teachers. It didn?t bother me so much last year because I could come home and tell you how the kids were doing?and this year, I can only hope that you are up there watching but without hearing from you I can?t tell for sure.

Billy worked so darn hard this last week or two with some other kids on a group project for his Humanities class. I?ve never seen him work so hard and have never seen him so organized as he is this spring. I hope you?re proud of him. He?s really trying.

The one area we are not doing so well is ? weight. I think all of us musta gained at least 20 pounds since you died and that worries me, especially for the sake of the kids. Heidi hates her school picture this year. Last year her picture was so pretty and this year you can really see the weight gain. I need to do something to help us! Heidi fights me at every turn, though, screaming that she?s hungry, she doesn?t care about losing weight ? if you were here, I could talk to you about it and we could work out a plan. I?m thinking for now I?ve just got to throw out all the candy and the fattening stuff and get us back to the gym.

I sent out this really funny post I got off 3fatchicks. It has to do with the 23rd Psalm combined with overeating and I sent it around to all my friends. David responded back and said that he loved holiday eating, that it gets cold in Minnesota and that he doesn?t mind the extra pounds to keep him warm. I realized we hadn?t talked about how we look and so when I wrote back I said I was into walking now so that my clothes don?t ?groweth? so small around me. He wrote back saying he?s 5?8? and weighs 142 pounds but was up to 148 and I thought, my God, he?s so thin, he?d never like me, big as I am. I?m going to write him back and try to be more upfront with how much I weigh and see what he says. I am trying to lose, and if he decides he doesn?t want to write anymore, well, he wasn?t much of a friend to begin with, was he?

See you later, sweetie,
Love,
Me

November 5, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The traffic was terrible today! It took me 45 minutes to get to work from the exit ramp of the Meadowbrook Parkway ? and I?m not even sure what the problem was. That must have been SOME accident! People don?t know how to drive in this traffic either?the drivers weren?t yielding the right of way ? and they blocked the intersections and caused gridlock. I thought this one tractor trailer was going to smash a lady flat because she stubbornly moved in front of him (even though HE had the green light) and then got stuck because the other lanes were clear and traffic was flowing. So there she was, parked in front of this big truck and you could see how MAD he was!

I didn?t sleep well last night. I was excited about the possibility of a get together of Long Islanders somewhere soon ? and feeling guilty about the idea of wanting to be around the widowers, just to talk. It?s the same thing with this email friend, David. He is planning to come to Connecticut, to Mystic Seaport. He wrote that he needed to go to exorcize military demons (he was in the Navy?he has a grown son, Nate, who is in the Navy too) and then he asked how far I am from Mystic Seaport. I told him and explained that it was easy to get there by ferry but left it general like that. Later I saw him post on the WN board about friendship get-togethers and wondered if a woman could call a man ? I knew he meant this widow he?s been trying to ask out and she?s been avoiding him. Anyway I wrote to him and said when he comes to CT it would be nice to say hello ? and he wrote back and said he was thankful for my candor because he wanted to stop and say hello, wasn?t shy, but lacked self confidence. I know what he means.

I don?t know how I feel about all this, Rich. I am so confused. I love you, I miss you very much and at the same time I am so lonely. I don?t know what I want from David or from the group get together. I don?t want to hurt David. He lost his wife 9 months ago and so we are both very very vulnerable. I am thinking to myself: move SLOWLY. It?s better to stay friends than to get messed up emotionally. Besides, maybe David doesn?t like fat women. He has stuff going on with him too. Nate has testicular cancer, he has a mentally disabled son, Glenn, and a 19 year old daughter, Erica. He lives in Minnesota, which is a nice safe distance away ? or so I thought.

But what does this mean for you and me? I always felt that we were soulmates and that we have a deep abiding love. I don?t know that I want to get involved with another man if my heart is with you ? and then I think about the movie, ?Titanic? and about how Rose promised Jack to go on. She married someone else after Jack died, had children with him, and had a full life ? and yet, when Rose died, she returned to Jack?her true love. Would that happen for us? Or is heaven and after life just a place where souls are equally delighted to see everyone? And what we had here is no special thing in heaven? The thought makes me crazy.

I haven?t been dreaming the last couple of nights, and I wonder if it?s because I?m staying up too late and sleeping too heavily. On Friday, I heard a song by the Beatles called ?Across the Universe? and the words brought tears to my eyes. It?s a beautiful song, written by John Lennon.The lyrics are:


Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away
Across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me

CHORUS 1 (twice)
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on
Across the universe
Thoughts meander like the restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

CHORUS 1 (twice)

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on and on
Across the universe

CHORUS 1 (thrice)

The first thing that got me was the ?pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me??that?s the way I feel now. And then the chorus comes, ?Nothing?s gonna change my world??but my world DID change. It changed forever the day you died. Then later, ?limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on and on across the universe?? That seemed to be you. I was crying, wondering is that YOU sending me the song? And why can?t I get it out of my head?

Joanne suggested that I write a letter to you that talks about how I feel about your death and everything that has happened. She seemed to think it would be better if I wrote everything into a notebook because there is a connection between the pen and the paper, an emotional connection that you can?t get with a word processor, but my thoughts flow so quickly and my hands hurt so when I write that I just am not sure it?s the case. I dunno but here goes ?

It?s been almost six months since my whole world turned upside down. I miss you so much, you were my best friend. I could talk to you about what I was feeling and you loved me and accepted me for who I was. You?re not here now and I?m lonely and yes, sometimes I do feel abandoned. I have so many things that I have to struggle with now on my own and you are not here for me to bounce ideas off of. You were my wall, you were my support, and you?re gone. Yes, I feel abandoned! You said you would never leave me, but you did ? I know that was not really your choice ? or was it? The fact remains that you did leave.

And about choices ? something happened inside you so that you were still smoking and overeating even though you knew it wasn?t healthy for you, that I worried about you, and the doctors just about gave up on you. I?d say to you, ?I?m worried, I don?t want you to die? and you?d say, ?I?m not going anywhere soon.? What the hell was wrong with you? What were you thinking? That you were really invincible and that no matter what you did to your body you?d just live forever? Or did you just not care about yourself enough to take care of you and cherish you?

If I believed that you were destined to die on May 23 no matter what, then I think it would not make me so damn mad that you were so heavy and you were smoking again. The thing is, I?m not sure that everything is predestined ? what if these things DO depend on certain choices we make? Then I am angry you smoked and angry you kept overeating and getting upset so easily. I know you were trying to live a more healthy live style but it looks like you got started too late ? and what was this ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have done a better job taking care of myself? ? Did you think the doctors lied to you about that?

What makes me feel really sad is that I don?t think you felt very good about yourself for a long long time. Most of that was from things your Dad said to you that you just didn?t get over and I feel guilty about the things I said that hurt you and contributed to that. You helped so many people with your support and encouragement. You gave the right advice to them about losing weight and loving themselves and saying affirmations to themselves ? but you didn?t do it for yourself. I feel sad about that.

I think you knew that I loved you, big or not, and that I cherished you. It just wasn?t enough, though, I guess? I don?t know?

And so now I don?t have my best friend anymore. Who do I confide in now? I don?t really feel comfortable with married friends anymore and I don?t think they?re comfortable with me. Seeing them reminds me of what I don?t have, and I feel angry, envious, jealous, resentful. Why should they have their mates when I?ve lost mine? Even worse is when the women clack and complain about their husbands. That really gets me going. Don?t they realize what they might lose?

I have to start over again, new friendships, maybe new relationships ? and this was not how I thought it was going to be. I saw us growing old together, like another beautiful John Lennon song we both liked??Grow Old Along With Me??well, now I won?t grow old with you. You?re 40 forever, and I?m moving on in this aging fat body of mine. I didn?t think that I?d ever have to worry about how I appeared to others?I didn?t care before because you loved me as I was. Now I have this issue again, what are they thinking? What are they saying about me?that I?m fat and my boobs sag and that I?m not attractive?it really makes me mad that I am put in this position. I just wanted to be with you. I didn?t want to have to worry about rejection and AIDS and all the other crap that goes with taking risks and moving into a new relationship with someone.

Maybe I should just hide in a cave and say to hell with it?and maybe I will try these widow/widower get-togethers and hope and pray no one hurts me with that look that says ?Oh my God, look how big she is, why doesn?t she take care of herself? Why is she so fat??

And maybe I?d better start taking care of myself. Maybe I better care about what happens to me because of our kids ? they needed us both and now they only have me.

Rich, what was so cosmically important that you had to leave NOW? What was your purpose for being here and what the hell is mine now? And are you with me, do you play those songs for me on the radio? I invite you, I want you to come to me in a dream or something and TALK to me, can you do that? I?ve tried meditating and praying and it doesn?t seem to be bringing us closer. I need guidance, I don?t know what the hell to do with myself half the time. I need to know if I?m on the right path.

And I need to know how the hell you got from the sofa to the floor ? can you at least explain that to me?

I am running out of steam so I?ll stop here for now.

In spite of all the feelings I have, the anger, the resentment, it doesn?t change the fact that I love you, that no one ever made me feel as attractive and sexy as you did, and I don?t think anyone ever will again.

Heartbroken,
Me