November 5, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The traffic was terrible today! It took me 45 minutes to get to work from the exit ramp of the Meadowbrook Parkway ? and I?m not even sure what the problem was. That must have been SOME accident! People don?t know how to drive in this traffic either?the drivers weren?t yielding the right of way ? and they blocked the intersections and caused gridlock. I thought this one tractor trailer was going to smash a lady flat because she stubbornly moved in front of him (even though HE had the green light) and then got stuck because the other lanes were clear and traffic was flowing. So there she was, parked in front of this big truck and you could see how MAD he was!

I didn?t sleep well last night. I was excited about the possibility of a get together of Long Islanders somewhere soon ? and feeling guilty about the idea of wanting to be around the widowers, just to talk. It?s the same thing with this email friend, David. He is planning to come to Connecticut, to Mystic Seaport. He wrote that he needed to go to exorcize military demons (he was in the Navy?he has a grown son, Nate, who is in the Navy too) and then he asked how far I am from Mystic Seaport. I told him and explained that it was easy to get there by ferry but left it general like that. Later I saw him post on the WN board about friendship get-togethers and wondered if a woman could call a man ? I knew he meant this widow he?s been trying to ask out and she?s been avoiding him. Anyway I wrote to him and said when he comes to CT it would be nice to say hello ? and he wrote back and said he was thankful for my candor because he wanted to stop and say hello, wasn?t shy, but lacked self confidence. I know what he means.

I don?t know how I feel about all this, Rich. I am so confused. I love you, I miss you very much and at the same time I am so lonely. I don?t know what I want from David or from the group get together. I don?t want to hurt David. He lost his wife 9 months ago and so we are both very very vulnerable. I am thinking to myself: move SLOWLY. It?s better to stay friends than to get messed up emotionally. Besides, maybe David doesn?t like fat women. He has stuff going on with him too. Nate has testicular cancer, he has a mentally disabled son, Glenn, and a 19 year old daughter, Erica. He lives in Minnesota, which is a nice safe distance away ? or so I thought.

But what does this mean for you and me? I always felt that we were soulmates and that we have a deep abiding love. I don?t know that I want to get involved with another man if my heart is with you ? and then I think about the movie, ?Titanic? and about how Rose promised Jack to go on. She married someone else after Jack died, had children with him, and had a full life ? and yet, when Rose died, she returned to Jack?her true love. Would that happen for us? Or is heaven and after life just a place where souls are equally delighted to see everyone? And what we had here is no special thing in heaven? The thought makes me crazy.

I haven?t been dreaming the last couple of nights, and I wonder if it?s because I?m staying up too late and sleeping too heavily. On Friday, I heard a song by the Beatles called ?Across the Universe? and the words brought tears to my eyes. It?s a beautiful song, written by John Lennon.The lyrics are:


Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away
Across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me

CHORUS 1 (twice)
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on
Across the universe
Thoughts meander like the restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

CHORUS 1 (twice)

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on and on
Across the universe

CHORUS 1 (thrice)

The first thing that got me was the ?pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me??that?s the way I feel now. And then the chorus comes, ?Nothing?s gonna change my world??but my world DID change. It changed forever the day you died. Then later, ?limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on and on across the universe?? That seemed to be you. I was crying, wondering is that YOU sending me the song? And why can?t I get it out of my head?

Joanne suggested that I write a letter to you that talks about how I feel about your death and everything that has happened. She seemed to think it would be better if I wrote everything into a notebook because there is a connection between the pen and the paper, an emotional connection that you can?t get with a word processor, but my thoughts flow so quickly and my hands hurt so when I write that I just am not sure it?s the case. I dunno but here goes ?

It?s been almost six months since my whole world turned upside down. I miss you so much, you were my best friend. I could talk to you about what I was feeling and you loved me and accepted me for who I was. You?re not here now and I?m lonely and yes, sometimes I do feel abandoned. I have so many things that I have to struggle with now on my own and you are not here for me to bounce ideas off of. You were my wall, you were my support, and you?re gone. Yes, I feel abandoned! You said you would never leave me, but you did ? I know that was not really your choice ? or was it? The fact remains that you did leave.

And about choices ? something happened inside you so that you were still smoking and overeating even though you knew it wasn?t healthy for you, that I worried about you, and the doctors just about gave up on you. I?d say to you, ?I?m worried, I don?t want you to die? and you?d say, ?I?m not going anywhere soon.? What the hell was wrong with you? What were you thinking? That you were really invincible and that no matter what you did to your body you?d just live forever? Or did you just not care about yourself enough to take care of you and cherish you?

If I believed that you were destined to die on May 23 no matter what, then I think it would not make me so damn mad that you were so heavy and you were smoking again. The thing is, I?m not sure that everything is predestined ? what if these things DO depend on certain choices we make? Then I am angry you smoked and angry you kept overeating and getting upset so easily. I know you were trying to live a more healthy live style but it looks like you got started too late ? and what was this ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have done a better job taking care of myself? ? Did you think the doctors lied to you about that?

What makes me feel really sad is that I don?t think you felt very good about yourself for a long long time. Most of that was from things your Dad said to you that you just didn?t get over and I feel guilty about the things I said that hurt you and contributed to that. You helped so many people with your support and encouragement. You gave the right advice to them about losing weight and loving themselves and saying affirmations to themselves ? but you didn?t do it for yourself. I feel sad about that.

I think you knew that I loved you, big or not, and that I cherished you. It just wasn?t enough, though, I guess? I don?t know?

And so now I don?t have my best friend anymore. Who do I confide in now? I don?t really feel comfortable with married friends anymore and I don?t think they?re comfortable with me. Seeing them reminds me of what I don?t have, and I feel angry, envious, jealous, resentful. Why should they have their mates when I?ve lost mine? Even worse is when the women clack and complain about their husbands. That really gets me going. Don?t they realize what they might lose?

I have to start over again, new friendships, maybe new relationships ? and this was not how I thought it was going to be. I saw us growing old together, like another beautiful John Lennon song we both liked??Grow Old Along With Me??well, now I won?t grow old with you. You?re 40 forever, and I?m moving on in this aging fat body of mine. I didn?t think that I?d ever have to worry about how I appeared to others?I didn?t care before because you loved me as I was. Now I have this issue again, what are they thinking? What are they saying about me?that I?m fat and my boobs sag and that I?m not attractive?it really makes me mad that I am put in this position. I just wanted to be with you. I didn?t want to have to worry about rejection and AIDS and all the other crap that goes with taking risks and moving into a new relationship with someone.

Maybe I should just hide in a cave and say to hell with it?and maybe I will try these widow/widower get-togethers and hope and pray no one hurts me with that look that says ?Oh my God, look how big she is, why doesn?t she take care of herself? Why is she so fat??

And maybe I?d better start taking care of myself. Maybe I better care about what happens to me because of our kids ? they needed us both and now they only have me.

Rich, what was so cosmically important that you had to leave NOW? What was your purpose for being here and what the hell is mine now? And are you with me, do you play those songs for me on the radio? I invite you, I want you to come to me in a dream or something and TALK to me, can you do that? I?ve tried meditating and praying and it doesn?t seem to be bringing us closer. I need guidance, I don?t know what the hell to do with myself half the time. I need to know if I?m on the right path.

And I need to know how the hell you got from the sofa to the floor ? can you at least explain that to me?

I am running out of steam so I?ll stop here for now.

In spite of all the feelings I have, the anger, the resentment, it doesn?t change the fact that I love you, that no one ever made me feel as attractive and sexy as you did, and I don?t think anyone ever will again.

Heartbroken,
Me

November 5, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

The traffic was terrible today! It took me 45 minutes to get to work from the exit ramp of the Meadowbrook Parkway ? and I?m not even sure what the problem was. That must have been SOME accident! People don?t know how to drive in this traffic either?the drivers weren?t yielding the right of way ? and they blocked the intersections and caused gridlock. I thought this one tractor trailer was going to smash a lady flat because she stubbornly moved in front of him (even though HE had the green light) and then got stuck because the other lanes were clear and traffic was flowing. So there she was, parked in front of this big truck and you could see how MAD he was!

I didn?t sleep well last night. I was excited about the possibility of a get together of Long Islanders somewhere soon ? and feeling guilty about the idea of wanting to be around the widowers, just to talk. It?s the same thing with this email friend, David. He is planning to come to Connecticut, to Mystic Seaport. He wrote that he needed to go to exorcize military demons (he was in the Navy?he has a grown son, Nate, who is in the Navy too) and then he asked how far I am from Mystic Seaport. I told him and explained that it was easy to get there by ferry but left it general like that. Later I saw him post on the WN board about friendship get-togethers and wondered if a woman could call a man ? I knew he meant this widow he?s been trying to ask out and she?s been avoiding him. Anyway I wrote to him and said when he comes to CT it would be nice to say hello ? and he wrote back and said he was thankful for my candor because he wanted to stop and say hello, wasn?t shy, but lacked self confidence. I know what he means.

I don?t know how I feel about all this, Rich. I am so confused. I love you, I miss you very much and at the same time I am so lonely. I don?t know what I want from David or from the group get together. I don?t want to hurt David. He lost his wife 9 months ago and so we are both very very vulnerable. I am thinking to myself: move SLOWLY. It?s better to stay friends than to get messed up emotionally. Besides, maybe David doesn?t like fat women. He has stuff going on with him too. Nate has testicular cancer, he has a mentally disabled son, Glenn, and a 19 year old daughter, Erica. He lives in Minnesota, which is a nice safe distance away ? or so I thought.

But what does this mean for you and me? I always felt that we were soulmates and that we have a deep abiding love. I don?t know that I want to get involved with another man if my heart is with you ? and then I think about the movie, ?Titanic? and about how Rose promised Jack to go on. She married someone else after Jack died, had children with him, and had a full life ? and yet, when Rose died, she returned to Jack?her true love. Would that happen for us? Or is heaven and after life just a place where souls are equally delighted to see everyone? And what we had here is no special thing in heaven? The thought makes me crazy.

I haven?t been dreaming the last couple of nights, and I wonder if it?s because I?m staying up too late and sleeping too heavily. On Friday, I heard a song by the Beatles called ?Across the Universe? and the words brought tears to my eyes. It?s a beautiful song, written by John Lennon.The lyrics are:


Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away
Across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me

CHORUS 1 (twice)
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on
Across the universe
Thoughts meander like the restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

CHORUS 1 (twice)

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on and on
Across the universe

CHORUS 1 (thrice)

The first thing that got me was the ?pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me??that?s the way I feel now. And then the chorus comes, ?Nothing?s gonna change my world??but my world DID change. It changed forever the day you died. Then later, ?limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns, it calls me on and on and on across the universe?? That seemed to be you. I was crying, wondering is that YOU sending me the song? And why can?t I get it out of my head?

Joanne suggested that I write a letter to you that talks about how I feel about your death and everything that has happened. She seemed to think it would be better if I wrote everything into a notebook because there is a connection between the pen and the paper, an emotional connection that you can?t get with a word processor, but my thoughts flow so quickly and my hands hurt so when I write that I just am not sure it?s the case. I dunno but here goes ?

It?s been almost six months since my whole world turned upside down. I miss you so much, you were my best friend. I could talk to you about what I was feeling and you loved me and accepted me for who I was. You?re not here now and I?m lonely and yes, sometimes I do feel abandoned. I have so many things that I have to struggle with now on my own and you are not here for me to bounce ideas off of. You were my wall, you were my support, and you?re gone. Yes, I feel abandoned! You said you would never leave me, but you did ? I know that was not really your choice ? or was it? The fact remains that you did leave.

And about choices ? something happened inside you so that you were still smoking and overeating even though you knew it wasn?t healthy for you, that I worried about you, and the doctors just about gave up on you. I?d say to you, ?I?m worried, I don?t want you to die? and you?d say, ?I?m not going anywhere soon.? What the hell was wrong with you? What were you thinking? That you were really invincible and that no matter what you did to your body you?d just live forever? Or did you just not care about yourself enough to take care of you and cherish you?

If I believed that you were destined to die on May 23 no matter what, then I think it would not make me so damn mad that you were so heavy and you were smoking again. The thing is, I?m not sure that everything is predestined ? what if these things DO depend on certain choices we make? Then I am angry you smoked and angry you kept overeating and getting upset so easily. I know you were trying to live a more healthy live style but it looks like you got started too late ? and what was this ?If I?d known I would live this long I would have done a better job taking care of myself? ? Did you think the doctors lied to you about that?

What makes me feel really sad is that I don?t think you felt very good about yourself for a long long time. Most of that was from things your Dad said to you that you just didn?t get over and I feel guilty about the things I said that hurt you and contributed to that. You helped so many people with your support and encouragement. You gave the right advice to them about losing weight and loving themselves and saying affirmations to themselves ? but you didn?t do it for yourself. I feel sad about that.

I think you knew that I loved you, big or not, and that I cherished you. It just wasn?t enough, though, I guess? I don?t know?

And so now I don?t have my best friend anymore. Who do I confide in now? I don?t really feel comfortable with married friends anymore and I don?t think they?re comfortable with me. Seeing them reminds me of what I don?t have, and I feel angry, envious, jealous, resentful. Why should they have their mates when I?ve lost mine? Even worse is when the women clack and complain about their husbands. That really gets me going. Don?t they realize what they might lose?

I have to start over again, new friendships, maybe new relationships ? and this was not how I thought it was going to be. I saw us growing old together, like another beautiful John Lennon song we both liked??Grow Old Along With Me??well, now I won?t grow old with you. You?re 40 forever, and I?m moving on in this aging fat body of mine. I didn?t think that I?d ever have to worry about how I appeared to others?I didn?t care before because you loved me as I was. Now I have this issue again, what are they thinking? What are they saying about me?that I?m fat and my boobs sag and that I?m not attractive?it really makes me mad that I am put in this position. I just wanted to be with you. I didn?t want to have to worry about rejection and AIDS and all the other crap that goes with taking risks and moving into a new relationship with someone.

Maybe I should just hide in a cave and say to hell with it?and maybe I will try these widow/widower get-togethers and hope and pray no one hurts me with that look that says ?Oh my God, look how big she is, why doesn?t she take care of herself? Why is she so fat??

And maybe I?d better start taking care of myself. Maybe I better care about what happens to me because of our kids ? they needed us both and now they only have me.

Rich, what was so cosmically important that you had to leave NOW? What was your purpose for being here and what the hell is mine now? And are you with me, do you play those songs for me on the radio? I invite you, I want you to come to me in a dream or something and TALK to me, can you do that? I?ve tried meditating and praying and it doesn?t seem to be bringing us closer. I need guidance, I don?t know what the hell to do with myself half the time. I need to know if I?m on the right path.

And I need to know how the hell you got from the sofa to the floor ? can you at least explain that to me?

I am running out of steam so I?ll stop here for now.

In spite of all the feelings I have, the anger, the resentment, it doesn?t change the fact that I love you, that no one ever made me feel as attractive and sexy as you did, and I don?t think anyone ever will again.

Heartbroken,
Me

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 7:19 AM EST
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I had thought...
I had thought that your death
was a waste and a destruction.
A pain of grief hardly to be endured.
I am only beginning to learn
That your life was a gift and a growing
And a loving left with me.

-- Marjorie Pizer

LETTING GO PRAYER
Your death has left a gaping hole in my life and heart, producing an emptiness I know will never be filled.

I miss your voice, the sound of your laughter, those funny endearing things you did, those moments when I was infuriated at you. I miss the dreams I had for and with you. I miss the future we will never have and the past, no matter how long it may have been?will never be long enough.

I have wept for you as well as for myself. I have raged in anger at you, at God, at fate, at the world, at anyone and anything that seemed to be an appropriate target.

I have tried to understand why you are no longer with me. Why I have to struggle through this world without you. Some people have reached out to help me. Others have turned away, unable to bear the pain I carry. I do not ask them to share it with me, only to listen as I talk and cry.

I have waited in the darkness for some sign that you are in a better place, and even when I may receive it?I could not help but question how it could be better if I am not there with you. I have wanted to join you so often when aloneness threatened to overwhelm me.

Through all this turmoil and doubt, I have managed to come this far. I have not yet achieved my goal, but at least I can now recognize that I am on the road to recovery. I am not sure how I will go on without you. No matter how many other important people may be in my life, you have held a special place and it is hard to imagine you not with me.

Will you walk beside me now as a friend, comrade and loving companion? I cannot come to you at this time, I can only trust that we will be united in God?s love and compassion. My life must go on. It is time for me to begin to live my life for myself and others.

As I think of letting go of you, I must now ask that you also let go of me. Your new life must seem as strange to you as my new life seems to me. Perhaps the memory of me is as comforting to you as your memory is to me. Let us then, agree to explore these new existences, these new spheres of reality, knowing that we carry the other with us, not with chains?but with loving open hands.

I let you go, my dearest. I know you will never leave my side, as I will never leave yours. Thank you for the wonderful, unique relationship we shared. When we meet once more, I look forward to sharing these new experiences with you.

I love you. I will never forget you.

November 2, 2001
My concentration level still sucks. I can?t remember whether or not there?s a Girl Scouts meeting?I thought there was one today and I bought all the snacks and stuff?and then there wasn?t one. Some night next week I THINK there is a Junior Training and I have to call Carol to find out about it or I might miss it.

Grief

by Sandra K. Hester

I wish I had the words to comfort you,
In all your pain and grief.
But I know there is nothing I can say or do,
to help you find relief.
Your numbness will soon subside,
and the pain and tears will be real.
Just remember no matter what,
It's ok to feel what you feel.
Each day may seem like a burden,
sometimes it will be hard to face.
But they will never stop loving you,
just because they're in a new and better place
They will live on in your hearts,
you will all have memories to share.
And when your time on earth is through,
with open arms, they will be waiting for you there.

November 1, 2001
Good morning Rich,

Did you like the little altar I made for you last night? I got the idea from a Wiccan friend, and I know I don?t practice it but I really liked the idea of the candles and having things that belonged to you around the candle and just thinking about you and letting you know how much I love and miss you.

I talked a little bit about that with Joanne, the bereavement therapist. She thinks the idea of keeping a journal is great and I guess it?s fine to type it out on the word processor. She still thinks I need to write a big long letter to you, though, about how you dying has made me feel. I thought I did that in the journal, but maybe it?s not enough. I?ll try again.

I feel a little funny and a little guilty about emailing David, the widower in Minnesota. He?s about nine months into this. His wife?s name was Melany and the newest bit of information is that he?s coming to Mystic Seaport, CT but I?m not sure when. He wanted to know how far I was from there and it?s not that far at all, especially by ferry. He hasn?t come out and asked me to meet him or anything. He has this lady he?s interested in but so far she keeps putting him off.

So I sort of feel safe by that and also by my weight. I don?t care what people say I do think that other people judge the way a person looks and what they see when they look at me: fat lady with huge sagging breasts. Yuck.

I think we?re going away to Orlando for Christmas break. We sort of kicked the idea of going before and I know you weren?t really into it because of the cost. I don?t know that I want to hang around/mope around Long Island all week long ? so why not? The trip would cost a couple thousand dollars but what the hell? I think we need to go away?all of us.

Kristin missed you last night and so did I. She says no one calls her ?Christmas pudding? anymore, which is your nickname for her. I call her Kristi-Belle but it just isn?t the same.

I feel very lonely for you. Billy and I managed to change the lightbulbs in the kitchen but I wasn?t especially happy with that. It?s something you and I did together and I wasn?t looking forward to doing it ? but it had to get done.

The tension here at work is so thick you could cut it with a knife. And the thing is everyone wants to confide in me when they really need to be having some sort of confrontational meeting. When I started here last year there were two instructors in the graphics department, Marcia and Hope. Marcia had the expertise with the creative programs like Pagemaker and Illustrator and stuff and Hope was more into word and Excell. Well there is another clerical teacher here, too, Marlene, and she does mostly data entry, typing filing, some word and that?s about it. Then the company hired some new people. Joanna, my friend here, is a graphics teacher. Mary Helen is in clerical and there?s another lady too for clerical. Well, Hope got moved over to Marlene?s end and she is really mad. She?s telling me all kinds of things she probably ought not to be confiding and it?s bothering Joanna because she really has nothing to do with what happened, she?s just trying to do her job. So I suggested to both of them that they need to have a meeting to air everything out rather than talking behind everyone?s back. I don?t know if they?re going to do that though.

I guess you would say, you don?t have to listen to them. It?s not your problem, just do your work and don?t get involved, etc., and I?m trying. Right now I?m trying to think how I would tell everyone we?re going to Orlando for the holidays?

Love you, Rich,
Me

Going Through Grief
Grief discriminates against no one. It kills.
Maims. And cripples. It is the ashes from which
the phoenix rises, and the mettle of re-birth.
It returns life to the living dead. It teaches
that there is nothing absolutely true, or untrue.
It assures the living that we know nothing
for certain. It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens.
It enlightens.
Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making.
--Stephanie Ericsson

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 4:15 PM EDT
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If Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me



If tomorrow starts without me, and I?m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn?t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn?t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you?ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I?d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I?d always thought I didn?t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I?d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I?d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven?s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I?ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it?s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day?s the same, there?s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn?t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you?re free.
So won?t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?"

So if tomorrow starts without me, don?t think we?re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I?m in your heart.

Author Unknown

October 23, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I?ve been in to several psychic rooms with no luck in trying to contact you. I?m going to give it up for now because it?s just too depressing.

We have another guest in the house. Lehani is Afrikaans, from South Africa. She is here with a group of young people from that country and they are putting on performances at the high school and junior high school. It?s my understanding that it has something to do with multicultural understanding, getting along with others, relationships and so on. I was planning on going to one of the sessions but I?m not sure which one.

I am taking this week off from work and not telling anyone (except the interpreting agency, I mean). I feel a little guilty about it ? but I need the break I think. I want my old life back?I still do and Gwen from the agency is the first one to say, ?You have to look forward, not back.? It?s another way of saying move on, I think. She?s right?I know she is.

I cried a little more for you yesterday, especially when Lehani was talking to her boyfriend. I remembered that when we were dating, we?d talk for hours on the phone. Gosh, isn?t it funny? Once we got married we didn?t do that as much although I do remember you would call me every single day at work?or I would call you. We didn?t do that as much when we moved to NY.

We really did love each other, didn?t we? I don?t know why I put a question mark there. I know we did.

On the WN board, I asked if big fat widows/widowers were able to find unconditional love again. I guess we?ll see what they say.

Living through it
Your happiness has been ripped apart. The mind is in shock. There seems no hope, no joy, no purpose in living.

But you are of a species bred to endure. The sufferings of others do not make your own less real -- but remember how those others clung to life, and in the end, won through.

You can do it.

The old happiness is withered and dead. But, see, there is a greenness veiling the land ... the frail beginnings of a new and better life.

--Pam Brown