I had thought...
I had thought that your death
was a waste and a destruction.
A pain of grief hardly to be endured.
I am only beginning to learn
That your life was a gift and a growing
And a loving left with me.

-- Marjorie Pizer

LETTING GO PRAYER
Your death has left a gaping hole in my life and heart, producing an emptiness I know will never be filled.

I miss your voice, the sound of your laughter, those funny endearing things you did, those moments when I was infuriated at you. I miss the dreams I had for and with you. I miss the future we will never have and the past, no matter how long it may have been?will never be long enough.

I have wept for you as well as for myself. I have raged in anger at you, at God, at fate, at the world, at anyone and anything that seemed to be an appropriate target.

I have tried to understand why you are no longer with me. Why I have to struggle through this world without you. Some people have reached out to help me. Others have turned away, unable to bear the pain I carry. I do not ask them to share it with me, only to listen as I talk and cry.

I have waited in the darkness for some sign that you are in a better place, and even when I may receive it?I could not help but question how it could be better if I am not there with you. I have wanted to join you so often when aloneness threatened to overwhelm me.

Through all this turmoil and doubt, I have managed to come this far. I have not yet achieved my goal, but at least I can now recognize that I am on the road to recovery. I am not sure how I will go on without you. No matter how many other important people may be in my life, you have held a special place and it is hard to imagine you not with me.

Will you walk beside me now as a friend, comrade and loving companion? I cannot come to you at this time, I can only trust that we will be united in God?s love and compassion. My life must go on. It is time for me to begin to live my life for myself and others.

As I think of letting go of you, I must now ask that you also let go of me. Your new life must seem as strange to you as my new life seems to me. Perhaps the memory of me is as comforting to you as your memory is to me. Let us then, agree to explore these new existences, these new spheres of reality, knowing that we carry the other with us, not with chains?but with loving open hands.

I let you go, my dearest. I know you will never leave my side, as I will never leave yours. Thank you for the wonderful, unique relationship we shared. When we meet once more, I look forward to sharing these new experiences with you.

I love you. I will never forget you.

November 2, 2001
My concentration level still sucks. I can?t remember whether or not there?s a Girl Scouts meeting?I thought there was one today and I bought all the snacks and stuff?and then there wasn?t one. Some night next week I THINK there is a Junior Training and I have to call Carol to find out about it or I might miss it.

Grief

by Sandra K. Hester

I wish I had the words to comfort you,
In all your pain and grief.
But I know there is nothing I can say or do,
to help you find relief.
Your numbness will soon subside,
and the pain and tears will be real.
Just remember no matter what,
It's ok to feel what you feel.
Each day may seem like a burden,
sometimes it will be hard to face.
But they will never stop loving you,
just because they're in a new and better place
They will live on in your hearts,
you will all have memories to share.
And when your time on earth is through,
with open arms, they will be waiting for you there.

November 1, 2001
Good morning Rich,

Did you like the little altar I made for you last night? I got the idea from a Wiccan friend, and I know I don?t practice it but I really liked the idea of the candles and having things that belonged to you around the candle and just thinking about you and letting you know how much I love and miss you.

I talked a little bit about that with Joanne, the bereavement therapist. She thinks the idea of keeping a journal is great and I guess it?s fine to type it out on the word processor. She still thinks I need to write a big long letter to you, though, about how you dying has made me feel. I thought I did that in the journal, but maybe it?s not enough. I?ll try again.

I feel a little funny and a little guilty about emailing David, the widower in Minnesota. He?s about nine months into this. His wife?s name was Melany and the newest bit of information is that he?s coming to Mystic Seaport, CT but I?m not sure when. He wanted to know how far I was from there and it?s not that far at all, especially by ferry. He hasn?t come out and asked me to meet him or anything. He has this lady he?s interested in but so far she keeps putting him off.

So I sort of feel safe by that and also by my weight. I don?t care what people say I do think that other people judge the way a person looks and what they see when they look at me: fat lady with huge sagging breasts. Yuck.

I think we?re going away to Orlando for Christmas break. We sort of kicked the idea of going before and I know you weren?t really into it because of the cost. I don?t know that I want to hang around/mope around Long Island all week long ? so why not? The trip would cost a couple thousand dollars but what the hell? I think we need to go away?all of us.

Kristin missed you last night and so did I. She says no one calls her ?Christmas pudding? anymore, which is your nickname for her. I call her Kristi-Belle but it just isn?t the same.

I feel very lonely for you. Billy and I managed to change the lightbulbs in the kitchen but I wasn?t especially happy with that. It?s something you and I did together and I wasn?t looking forward to doing it ? but it had to get done.

The tension here at work is so thick you could cut it with a knife. And the thing is everyone wants to confide in me when they really need to be having some sort of confrontational meeting. When I started here last year there were two instructors in the graphics department, Marcia and Hope. Marcia had the expertise with the creative programs like Pagemaker and Illustrator and stuff and Hope was more into word and Excell. Well there is another clerical teacher here, too, Marlene, and she does mostly data entry, typing filing, some word and that?s about it. Then the company hired some new people. Joanna, my friend here, is a graphics teacher. Mary Helen is in clerical and there?s another lady too for clerical. Well, Hope got moved over to Marlene?s end and she is really mad. She?s telling me all kinds of things she probably ought not to be confiding and it?s bothering Joanna because she really has nothing to do with what happened, she?s just trying to do her job. So I suggested to both of them that they need to have a meeting to air everything out rather than talking behind everyone?s back. I don?t know if they?re going to do that though.

I guess you would say, you don?t have to listen to them. It?s not your problem, just do your work and don?t get involved, etc., and I?m trying. Right now I?m trying to think how I would tell everyone we?re going to Orlando for the holidays?

Love you, Rich,
Me

Going Through Grief
Grief discriminates against no one. It kills.
Maims. And cripples. It is the ashes from which
the phoenix rises, and the mettle of re-birth.
It returns life to the living dead. It teaches
that there is nothing absolutely true, or untrue.
It assures the living that we know nothing
for certain. It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens.
It enlightens.
Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making.
--Stephanie Ericsson

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 4:15 PM EDT
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If Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me



If tomorrow starts without me, and I?m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn?t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn?t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you?ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I?d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I?d always thought I didn?t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I?d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I?d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven?s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I?ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it?s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day?s the same, there?s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn?t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you?re free.
So won?t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?"

So if tomorrow starts without me, don?t think we?re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I?m in your heart.

Author Unknown

October 23, 2001
Hi sweetheart,

I?ve been in to several psychic rooms with no luck in trying to contact you. I?m going to give it up for now because it?s just too depressing.

We have another guest in the house. Lehani is Afrikaans, from South Africa. She is here with a group of young people from that country and they are putting on performances at the high school and junior high school. It?s my understanding that it has something to do with multicultural understanding, getting along with others, relationships and so on. I was planning on going to one of the sessions but I?m not sure which one.

I am taking this week off from work and not telling anyone (except the interpreting agency, I mean). I feel a little guilty about it ? but I need the break I think. I want my old life back?I still do and Gwen from the agency is the first one to say, ?You have to look forward, not back.? It?s another way of saying move on, I think. She?s right?I know she is.

I cried a little more for you yesterday, especially when Lehani was talking to her boyfriend. I remembered that when we were dating, we?d talk for hours on the phone. Gosh, isn?t it funny? Once we got married we didn?t do that as much although I do remember you would call me every single day at work?or I would call you. We didn?t do that as much when we moved to NY.

We really did love each other, didn?t we? I don?t know why I put a question mark there. I know we did.

On the WN board, I asked if big fat widows/widowers were able to find unconditional love again. I guess we?ll see what they say.

Living through it
Your happiness has been ripped apart. The mind is in shock. There seems no hope, no joy, no purpose in living.

But you are of a species bred to endure. The sufferings of others do not make your own less real -- but remember how those others clung to life, and in the end, won through.

You can do it.

The old happiness is withered and dead. But, see, there is a greenness veiling the land ... the frail beginnings of a new and better life.

--Pam Brown

The real value of ease
The real value of ease cannot be appreciated
without having known pain, nor of sweetness
without having tasted bitterness, nor of good
without having seen evil, nor even of life itself
without having passed through death.

--Sadhu Sundar Singh

October 20, 2001
I didn?t sleep so great last night, Rich. I went to bed around 2 in the morning and was up at 7:30. We are going out east to one of those pumpkin/apple picking farms. There?s also hayrides and a corn maze so I am hoping this will be fun. We were going to take Ashley but what a PITA her grandmother is turning out to be. We?re leaving around 12:30 and when I invited Ashley along her grandmother didn?t say anything about having plans. Now all of a sudden they have to go out east somewhere and Ashley has to be home at 5:30?well I don?t want to be putting Cheryl and Robin under that kind of stress so we?re just not going to take her this time.

Well, it was a real laugh ? I could have taken Ashley after all. Went over to Cheryl?s around 12:30 and we got under way about 20 minutes later. The place Cheryl wanted to go to was about 60 miles away, yeesh!!! I would have preferred to go to White Post Farms but okay, I was willing to go along with everyone else. Cheryl, her daughter, another kid, and Robin and Dan got into the car with Cheryl with me and the kids following in the van. We were on the LIE less than 5 minutes when Cheryl pulled ahead and lost us. Along about the exit to White Post, I was tempted to get off but I stuck it out and we were almost in Riverhead (been driving an hour) when Billy asked just where this farm was. He was getting antsy. Luckily the LIE ended in Riverhead, but the traffic was even worse! We crept along for almost another hour and then we all decided to hell with the place Cheryl was going to. Cheryl and Robin probably wouldn?t wait for us anyway, etc., so we pulled off and went to a farm stand that had a corn maze and a haunted walk through. We bought pumpkins and apples and corn on the cob. The kids said they had a good time?I hope so.

You know what? I felt sort of abandoned by Cheryl. I can understand us not staying right close to each other but you?d think she?d not pull so far ahead I?d lose her entirely. There was no way to be able to let her know we were going to give up and try another place. Ah, the hell with it.